Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Food”

Morris The Cat Meets Mikey


My eating habits often were compared to two television commercial icons decades ago because, well, the comparisons of my picky eating habits just could not be denied. Morris the Cat was an orange tabby who only ate “Nine Lives” cat food, turning his nose up at any other brand. While I have never tried cat food, I have had to smell it once the can was opened, and they all smelled the same, and looked just as awful. But somehow we were to believe that this housecat knew the difference between one brand and another. According to the commercial, the cat could do just that. Then there was the little kid in the high chair at the breakfast table with his siblings. His name was Mikey, and he did not like anything. Mom obviously did not buy sugar-loaded cereal and the siblings had the bright idea that the best way to deal with the situation, and not eat the cereal their mother bought for them was to “give it Mikey”. Which to their surprise, “he liked it, Mikey liked it”, Life cereal.

Yes, two finicky icons. Those two had nothing on me. My diet was simple… meat and potatoes. I would occasionally sneak in some corn and carrots, apples, bananas, oranges, and watermelon. No seafood. I was easy to cook for. Meat and potatoes. I did not even have to try the food to know that I did not like it. If it was green, I was not even going to spell the name of the food being served to me. Seafood? I did not “see food” go onto my plate if it did not walk on dry land.

This presented a unique challenge because having two small children, I knew that my diet was not a healthy one, and I definitely did not want my children to learn to eat like I did. And that is just it, my food lifestyle was a learned habit. The problem is, it was a forty year education of “no, I don’t want that.” I am fortunate that both daughters ate well right from the beginning. If there was any food that garnered a response “I don’t want that” or “I don’t like that” especially not having tried that, it was met with a “please take a ‘no thank you’ bite.” With that, my oldest daughter eats everything green except for the lawn, but I suspect given the opportunity, and a good recipe, she would find a way. With my youngest daughter, she alone could be responsible for the extinction of the lobster.

So what happens when my daughters diet clashes with my diet especially when my daughters know my health issues and know that I should be eating better? Guilt, lots of guilt and pressure to eat what they place on my plate. The funny thing is, I did whatever I could to change the flavor and the consistency of the food I would rather have turned my nose up. Which usually meant that I smothered everything in ketchup. Even garlic could not alter the food enough for me to eat it. But ketchup? Yep, did the trick. The only thing was, I eventually began to hate ketchup because I was eating so much of it. So it was easier for me to go back to my finicky ways.

Strangely, not until I filed for my divorce, I made another attempt to eat right, eat smart, eat healthy. I have no intention of ever going vegetarian (and I am by no means ridiculing anyone who chooses to eat vegetarian) I love meat way too much. But I am eating smarter. I am working with a dietician who is trying to undo 40 years of bad habits as well as to educate me on “why” I need to eat better, and how.

In between my visits, I would actually take pictures of my plates with all the different colors and email them to her. She could not believe with her own eyes and actually wanted video of me eating the food. I gave her one video, but from there on, she just gave me encouragement. And because I was getting a lot of emotional support from friends in the form of meals, the peer pressure I felt from friends trying to do something nice, I stopped turning my nose up at foods. I am now eating greens, other fruits, and even seafood. I still have the occasional red meat. But I do feel a lot better about how I am eating. And when my daughters visit me, I know that they will be pleased that they can sit down with me for a meal, and not see me drown my food in ketchup.

Of course, this only happens when there are eyes on me. I need to get to the next level to actually order or buy the food when I am on my own. One step at a time.

Post #300


I am never going to produce a major blockbuster movie like “300”. Nor will I ever have an opportunity to hit 300 homeruns. In fact the closest I have ever come to achieving 300 of anything would have been a perfect game in bowling back in my late 20’s. I threw strikes in the first nine frames, and then tapped a ten-pin, spared it, then completed the game with another strike in the 11th frame.

With my blog, I am finally achieving a 300, my 300th post on “Paul’s Heart.” My posts are at over 8000 views and the comments of support and appreciation are numerous. This is a big deal for me, but pales in comparison into the week ahead that I am going to have.

Next weekend, Father’s Day weekend, I will be memorializing my father who passed away three weeks ago. After discussing it with my siblings, we felt it was an appropriate tribute to our father. Just as many who have gone through such a personal loss, I am sure that you can understand the struggle to deal with “the first Father’s Day without my father.”

At the same time, it is Father’s Day weekend, something that I have always looked forward to since before I adopted my daughters. Besides the emotional toll of my father’s memorial to deal with, this will be the first Father’s Day for me with just my daughters. Due to the recent custody agreement I made with their mother, and my father’s passing, I have not been able to see them in a long time, the longest time apart.

I speak to my daughters every day, and on a couple of occasions I have been able to see my daughters courtesy of Facetime. I will get to spend the entire weekend with them, and I have a lot of activities planned with them. But next weekend will not be just about me. Every day I have thought about the hurt and confusion that my daughters must have. Which is why I will pull out all the stops to show them next weekend that the divorce does not change who their mother is, or who their father is. It is important to me to make sure that my children do not blame themselves for the divorce, that the divorce was an issue between just their mother and I.

The girls get to do a lot of fun things with their mother, and next weekend, I cannot wait to spend time with them.

My story is not unique, as there are probably thousands of other dads who have a similar story heading into next weekend. My parents divorced when I was young. So I have the perspective from both child and parent.

Next weekend is not about quantity, but rather the quality of the time that I get with my daughters.

Half Of My Life With Cancer


If you have followed “Paul’s Heart,” you notice a countdown box off to the right of the screen. It has a milestone, that to the majority of people, represent something once thought impossible, surviving 25 years from cancer. Yes, today I begin my 25th year of having survived Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. So the countdown should change from twelve months to go, to days left to go.

I am a 24 year survivor of cancer. I have lived half of my life in spite of a disease that kills millions and yet a cure for all seems so far away. Another year down, I know it is no small feat. But once again, as always, my heart is too heavy to celebrate yet another year gone by. I miss so many that I have had to say goodbye to, and this year gone by I include Kim, Karen, Peter, and Michael.

Last week, as I sat across from my father in his hospital room, a nurse asked my father who had been just told his cancer had returned, “what would you like?” To which my father responded, “to survive cancer like my son.”

Today I recognize, but not celebrate, my 24th completed year of remission for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. It is a sad commentary that in the twenty-first century, we still have not found a cure for cancer for everyone. I am disappointed that follow-up guidelines are not more well known so that survivors are better followed-up for late developing side effects. I want to see better surveillance of patients for critical side effects for drugs that are known to have the possibility of causing side effects, some potentially fatal.

We are so close. Seriously, part of the survivor guilt I deal with, is why I have gotten to live, while so many do not. I am hoping that if anything at this point, is that I may see in my lifetime, a cure for cancer is found, patients are followed more closely during their treatments, and survivors are better followed-up. And as the days count down to one next year, I want to celebrate.

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