Paul's Heart

Looking Forward

Every year, the prior week is so difficult for me emotionally. Of all the things that I have dealt with in my life, especially with my health, including my battle with cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma back in 1998, it is my emergency heart bypass in 2008 that carries the most weight with my thoughts each year. Even everything that I went through with my divorce, which I consider an experience worse than all of my health issues combined, it is my bypass, every year, I am reminded, how close to dying I really was. My cardiologist even told me so, “it’s not a question if you are going to die from a fatal heart attack, but when.”

My lifestyle went from “work can’t do without me” and “my family can’t do without me,” to “they did do without me” at least for a short time. The fact that I lived my life with the “can’t do without me” mantra for so long, ignoring the chest tightness I had for four months, whether I was mowing my lawn, shoveling snow, moving equipment at work, or carrying either of my daughters, could have ended my life at any time. The other things I dealt with my health and divorce, though not pleasant, they were not likely to be as final as a fatal heart attack.

As happens every year following this difficult week, I begin to pick myself back up emotionally. I am a goal-oriented person and it does not take long for me to re-focus on what is instore ahead of me. I have long term goals which is really a short list with several sub-goals, watching my daughters grow and experiencing the many milestones that are ahead of them. But I also have short term goals, the goals easily within my reach.

A month and half after this past week, comes my most favorite and important holiday, Father’s Day. Even under a custody order, Father’s Day ranked more important than all of the other holidays combined. That particular weekend has morphed over time especially as my daughters have gotten older, making it now a full week.

This year’s Father’s Day will be even more special, as it is the first time I will celebrate with both of my daughters being college age. One daughter has been studying abroad for the last four months, so I have not been able to see her other than in photos and an occasional video call. My other daughter I got to spend a day with a few weeks ago. Normally I would have seen them both over the Christmas holidays, but Covid had other plans for them as they were exposed to Covid, and were unable to travel. So, it will have been close to a year that I have seen both my daughters at the same time.

But as my younger daughter has become to struggle with the realization that growing older also means developing their own lives, which means less time for Dad, that is actually a good thing, and expected. As much as I loved my time with my daughters in their childhood, I am so excited for who they will become in the world ahead of them. I am only hoping that I have taught them and given them as much as I could to help them get there. I am reminded of the following story:

At 5 years, my Dad knew everything. At age 6, Dad knows. At age 8 years old, maybe Dad doesn’t know. At 10, Dad doesn’t know. At age 12, Dad is out of his mind crazy! At 14 years old, I just can’t take Dad seriously. When I was 18, what does Dad know! When I turned 21, Dad is talking nuts! I’m an adult at 23 years old, I know more than my Dad. At 25 years old, perhaps Dad does seem to know some things after all. At 30, maybe I need to ask my Dad about it. When I turned 40 years old, it’s amazing how Dad went through all of this. I’m 45 now, and it turns out my Dad has been right all along. When I turn 50 years old, I’m hoping my Dad is still there because I have so much more to learn.

Over the last year, both daughters have grown so much. I still see their younger selves in them every now and then. I enjoy the random request to supply photos from their youth (I literally have thousands). My older daughter has had the biggest opportunity studying on the other side of the world, where she has had no choice, but to make her own decisions, receiving either rewards or consequences, or as I call them, learning experiences. Either way, while a great experience for her, I will be glad for her to return home. And then in a month and half, it’s that time of year again, Father’s Day. We have a lot to catch up on that we missed out on, birthdays, Christmas, and of course, Father’s Day. It’s going to be a good week.

Is It Lack Of Value, Or Lack Of Priorities?

There is a comment that I have come to learn to despise in recent years, especially during the pandemic. “At least they died doing what they enjoyed. They didn’t live in fear.”

(photo courtesy of Katelyn Mathe and North Penn Now news service)

An article came across my news feed a week ago. Two nineteen year-olds were charged with homicide by vehicle among other charges, stemming from the two racing and killing a 62 year-old woman. These are the photos of the killers.

(photos of these two courtesy of Montgomery County District Attorney’s Office and North Penn Now news service)

These two punks, now killers, were racing their cars on a main highway. I am from the area, so I know where the accident occurred. Which makes the next factor for me to have read, seem impossible. The car that impacted the innocent victim, had been travelling 110 miles per hour, twice the speed limit, and like I said, impossible for me to imagine anyone travelling that fast on that road. This was confirmed by an airbag module in the killer’s car. The other punk, was recorded at 95 miles per hour.

They were doing what they enjoyed, even though it was illegal, besides unsafe, and an innocent 62 year-old woman is dead. Pretty sure she did not enjoy her ride, wherever she was headed.

This is not the first story to grab me like this, and piss me off. We had an accident locally in the last couple of years (actually violent accidents happen a lot here, but that is another story). The was a one car accident that killed a teenage driver. It turns out, he too was racing his car, of course illegal, travelling a high rate of speed, crashing into a tree when he lost control. His one parent reported, “he really loved racing his car.”

And of course, during the Covid pandemic. We had a new virus, no vaccine, no treatment, and contagious as hell, and lethal. But many took the recommendations and eventual required precautions as an afront to their rights and liberties to enjoy their lives, that it should be up to them, to be able to go about their business, risk their health, whatever happens happens. And if Covid got them, at least they were doing what they enjoyed. One local business flat out defied government orders to prevent mass infections, remaining open for all to gather and party as if nothing was happening. I knew of at least two patrons who went there, and died suddenly and mysteriously soon after that. Given that they were only in their forties, and where they were previously, it was likely Covid.

Then you take someone like me, in fact thousands of others like me, dealing with late side effects from our cancer treatments decades ago. There are a lot of things we would like to do, and speaking only for myself, it is not about what I enjoy, but rather what I still want to experience.

During the sixth month of my chemotherapy, during the Winter, I asked my oncologist if I could go skiing, concerned if my body could handle the physicalness of the activity. He said that I could, but cautioned me, that because of how warm I would dress, being Winter, I would likely sweat a lot, and this of course could result in me getting sick. And if I got sick, that would have the potential to delay my next treatment. Which that is the last thing any cancer patient wants to happen. So contrary to how some people react, I was just “living in fear,” no, I wanted my treatments to end when they were supposed to. I could skip skiing one year. It was worth it to me.

That was not the only time I have been in that position. Of course, I have documented my issues with my heart, courtesy of my treatments, which of course has kept me from doing things that I enjoy, such as amusement rides and various other recreational activities. Again, the chants of “living in fear” attack, but given that I am still young, yes at 58 years old, I should still have a lot of years left, I have so much more that I want to experience, that are more important than any kind of recreational activity I wish I could do. But the risk of a fatal cardiac event taking away what I want to experience in my life, is not living in fear at all, it is about what is important.

Somehow, I have cheated death through my survivorship more times than I want to count, and I am still here. I have two wonderful daughters that I have been able to see grow to adulthood from infancy, during some of the most serious of my health issues. They are now in the next stage of their lives and it is amazing to watch. And some day, if they choose to get married and have children, I want to be around for that.

So if that means that I need to avoid certain risks, regardless if they are something that I enjoy, I am not doing it out of fear, I do it for the love of my daughters, so that they do not have to deal with grieving the loss of a father well before it should be time. Yes, I still practice the Covid precautions because they matter to me. I miss certain social activities for sure, but my long term goals with my daughters far outweigh any temporary satisfaction I would get from karaoke or going to see a rock concert.

I guess that is a clear difference between the thought process of a 58 year-old man and two teenage punks, whose lives are now officially over. They loved to race their cars. They killed an innocent woman. They did what they enjoyed. Hope it was worth it to them. I am sure they could have had much different lives had they thought about their futures and how much more valuable that would have been to them.