Paul's Heart

The music pop group Chicago recorded one of my favorite classic rock songs titled, “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?”  With me, there are three potential answers that you can receive.  The first is simply “Yes, I do know what time it is” and then I’d walk away.  If I am not feeling like a smart alec, I will actually give the true time.  But the third option is likely the kind of response you’d get from me.  I will tell you how to build the actual watch, obviously a very complicated task.

Those who know me well enough, expect option three with even just a simple “Hello.”  And it is rare that I disappoint.  The second line of the chorus of the song fromChicagoasks “does anybody really care?”  How often have you walked by a co-worker and said, “How ya doin’?” instead of just offering “Hello”?

“Hello” is a simple statement.  You noticed me.  The chances are fairly good that I had a smile on my face or at the least did not have my eyebrows self-knitted into the dreaded “wooly unibrow”.  So with a smile, a person should expect to be responded with a friendly recognition.  Of course, the opposite situation, the frown that is not turned upside down, is better off left just as short and immediate.

But you have made a commitment to me as soon as the word “how” has left your lips.  You have made sure that we will witness each others’ retirements.  Paint does not take as long to dry and might just be more interesting to watch.  But you should have pride having just earned an honorary degree fromTalkalotUniversitysigned by Professor Edelman himself.  I am not just the Dean, but I am also the professor, administrator, librarian, guidance counselor, custodian, and landscaper.  The only thing I do not represent the university is chaplain.  I concede that there are some things that I am not capable of comprehending.

So, with all the orange clockwork  that I have just given to you, here is a list of the top 10 things you do not want to say to me:

      10.  God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle.  (I am really quite busy enough)

9. Maybe you were just being tested.  (I do not need cancer, heart surgery or pneumonia to prove that I can handle crisis)

8. Have a nice day.  (Although I am not against having a good day.  I might actually prefer to have one of those in fact)

7. You look great compared to what you have been through.  (So what do you think I looked like before my health maladies?  Looks might be extremely deceiving to how I am actually feeling)

6. A convenience fee?  (For what?  I pay over the phone, instead of by mail, get the money to you faster and you want to charge me for this?)

5. Maybe you should take a good look into the mirror.  (Okay, now there are two of us who disagree with you)

4. Did you leave the ice cream bowl in the sink?  (This is a loaded question as my wife knows the answer already)

3. Your “Letter To The Editor” must be kept to under 600 words.  (The newspaper tried to accomplish this since I could not, and they failed also)

2. Do you have anything in writing to prove that you had open heart surgery?  (Do you really believe the huge “zipper” on my upper torso is make-up?  This was a response to a police officer when I was questioned why I was not wearing a seat belt)

 And the number one thing you do not want to say to me, “Surely you can’t be serious.”  (I am serious, and don’t call me surely.  That movie is one of the greatest comedies every written and I can have an entire conversation with you based on the dialogue).