Paul's Heart

Understanding The Difference Between Pity, Empathy, And Sympathy

Regardless if you are a patient or survivor, or a caregiver, human beings are all capable of possessing 3 traits when it comes to care and seeking support: pity, empathy, and sympathy. Each of these qualities can be experienced during a health crisis and depending on which one can have a huge impact on all of those involved.

First, let’s understand one thing, There is no training or education to prepare for a diagnosis of a serious chronic illness or injury. Likewise, there is no training or education to care for someone faced with either of those same situations. No matter which side, we learn as we go. Some of us may end up experiencing both sides which gives us extraordinary insights to how we react as well as others.

So what exactly is pity? It’s simply feeling sorry for someone whether it is something you offer on your own, Or whether it is someone seeking out this type of attention themself. That person of attention is often perceived as being less fortunate or weaker and in some cases there is little emotional connection. Pity can unintentionally feel condescending. As those wanting to offer pity, we want to care and offer support, recognize their feelings, while we remain somewhat outside of their experience.

Empathy has to do with understanding and feeling what someone is experiencing. To have empathy with someone is to emotionally connect to their experience, to see things from their perspective, and it allows the development of a shared sense of caring. It is through empathy that builds the strongest connection between two people.

Sympathy is acknowledging someone’s pains or discomfort and expressing concern.  You care and you want to offer comfort, you recognize their feelings, and you remain somewhat outside of their experience.

A simple way to remember the difference between these three, pity equals “I feel bad for you” while allowing you to keep your distance.  Empathy translates to “I feel with you” recognizing a connection.  Sympathy he’s letting someone know “I care about you” also known as support. There is a real insightful distinction because 1 is about what someone is trying to get and the other is about how someone shows up for them.

This is what it looks like with someone seeking pity, Emphasizing hardship in a way that draws attention or validation, wanting others to say that’s awful or feel sorry for them, sometimes even repeating the same issue without wanting solutions. There could be an underlying motive, not always conscious, to feel seen, validated, or important, or to gain emotional reassurance or support. Occasionally pity is used to avoid responsibility or shift the blame. When dealing with someone seek pity we can feel left drained or that the situation is 1 sided, perhaps the other just wanting attention more than understanding. A person seeking pity is also more likely to rebuff any actual assistance or help, or continue to make another excuse after another, to continue seeking attention.  And to be clear, not everyone seeking pity is being manipulative. Sometimes they just don’t know how to ask for deeper support.

Someone who offers empathy is someone who listens without interrupting or judging, trying to understand the other person’s feelings and perspective, responding with care not superiority. The underlying intention of someone offering empathy is to connect, not fix or judge, to help the other person feel understood and not alone. A person offering empathy wants the other person to feel safe, validated, and most importantly humanized.

The core difference between these two is seeking pity equals “please feel bad for me” coming from the person in pain whereas the person offering empathy is saying “I’m here with you” coming from the person responding.

I hope this is helpful in any situation you find yourself in whether as a patient, survivor, or caregiver.

Peer To Peer Support On Social Media

When I was diagnosed with cancer in 1988, Hodgkin’s lymphoma, I could not have been any more alone. There was no social media, there was no Internet, I did not even have a computer. What little I could find about what I was about to experience came from encyclopedias and researching through old newspaper files, you remember microfiche?

37 years later, we have the Internet and a robust resource of peer-to-peer social media pages and websites. These resources are filled with access to information ranging from experiences to medical information and resources, and stories of long term survivorship, probably the only thing of concern when it comes to beating cancer second only to hearing the words “you are in remission”.

While all this technology can be a very good thing, it does not come without its risks, and a lot of misinformation. I express constantly that I am not a doctor and for that reason I do not give out medical advice. Besides that lack of medical degree, I have no personal knowledge of medical history of anyone reaching out to me to make any kind of decision. It is that same reason I do not give out legal advice as I am not an attorney. However, I am able to provide anecdotes, stories and personal testimonials, verified information and facts to direct anyone looking for support as they deal with one of the most traumatic things a person can deal with in their life. I have no problem telling anyone, take the information that you find, share it with your doctor, and together the two of you make that decision.

With “Paul’s heart” I have reached so many people literally around the world offering support and information and guidance. And while I am not a big national worldwide organization, it is my hope that those who have followed me all of these years, who have shared my posts and videos, that I have made a difference even if just one person at a time. It is my plan and my hope to continue doing this for many years to come. And as always please like my page, follow my page, and please share my page, As that is the only way that I can continue my mission, to make a difference in the survivorship of cancer.