Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

What I Learned From My Oldest Daughter


March 14th has two meanings in my life. My maternal grandfather’s birthday was that date, a date I will never forget, because of what happened twenty-two years ago, the day I became a Dad. I need to mention, I am not making reference to my daughter’s birthday, but rather the day she was placed into my arms, and through the adoption process, became my daughter. Those of us in the adoption community refer to this date in many ways, “Gotcha Day” or “Forever Family Day.” So each year, both of my daughters have two dates that get celebrated, their adoption date, and their birthday.

Both of my daughters, now adults, understand how the decision came to be, that I would seek adopting them. Cancer treatments had left me unable to have biological children, and scientific alternative methods were also unsuccessful. If I was going to be a Dad, adoption would be my only option. And once the decision was made, where and from who, on March 14, 2004, the day after I landed in mainland China, my oldest daughter was placed into my arms. I was a Dad.

My experience, or rather role models for fatherhood were lacking, as my parents had divorced when I was three years old. Unfortunately from there, my relationship with my father grew estranged until we had made amends in my adulthood (long story, not for this post). But I really had no role models or ideas what a father was supposed to be like, other than when I would spend time at a friend’s house, and see how their fathers were. I had two main friends in high school that I watched and gained this experience. But still, would it be enough, for the day when it came, that I was responsible for a tiny young being, reliant on me, my responsibility to keep safe, to teach, and to prepare? Sure, I read all of the bedtime stories, went through the Santa and Easter Bunny traditions, helped with homework, and assisted with preparations for college. As adults, I now need to make sure that my daughters learn all they can about the adult responsibilities they will need to handle.

As much as I had to teach her, it was her that taught me so much. Things I would learn from her, her younger sister would benefit from that. As my oldest daughter, it was she who taught me patience. Seriously, as adults, we rush to get to work or to the movies, we expect things to go smoothly as planned, we want things the way we want them. That does not happen once you become a Dad. If she decided she was not going to wear something that I picked out, that was a battle I was going to have to choose if I wanted or not, usually not. And as much as I could plan things out, even with my daughter, if she had other thoughts, that would be extra time being dealt with, no matter what deadline or need was waiting.

And then there was taking extra time, not her, but me. I got a whole new perspective on things and life, through her eyes, appreciating all the things that she enjoyed, and why she enjoyed them. It could be a butterfly, the moon, whatever, each thing that she expressed amazement with, was from a perspective of an innocence I had not thought of.

I believe I always had empathy, definitely a result of having gone through cancer. But I learned to be much softer and more aware of someone else’s feelings, and they mattered to me. So I became a better listener. I needed to hear and listen what she was feeling, because that mattered. Life was no longer just about me, but what she thought of and worried about, mattered to me.

If there is one thing that I have been constant with both my daughters, is that I need to be there for them, I want to be there for them. The drives to school. The anticipation waiting for my daughters to wake up for Christmas presents and Easter baskets. Both have learned that they will always be able to count on me. Of course, they also realize with my health issues from my treatments, those days do not come easy. If there were any regret I have, is that I probably worked too hard, too much, too often. And there would be things I would miss. But I always felt that I was doing good by earning more, to provide more, to be able to do more, until my oldest asked one day, “how come you are never home Daddy?”, a fair question of my 50-60 hour work weeks plus weekend side work. All she wanted, and clearly missed, was time with Daddy.

There is not one moment that went by, too big or too small, that was not an opportunity to enjoy the “little things.” Through their eyes, my daughters taught me the world is a beautiful place. We got caught in a downpour of rain while riding bikes. Who cared?!? My daughter’s love of all creatures, even the lizards and water bugs that found their way into our pool deserved to be rescued.

The one thing I could not learn from my friends parents, was how to be vulnerable, to be okay when it came to being emotional. There was no preparedness to deal with fear and pain my daughters would experience from hospitalizations, to loss, whether it be friendships or family member passings. There have been countless times that both of my daughters have brought out so much pride as their father, that my eyes leaked. And that was okay. As they got older, their needs changed, situations got more complicated, and that meant that we all had to adapt. And that meant more patience. I must admit, I know that both my daughters have me wrapped around their fingers. There is nothing I would not do for them.

And because I always knew that I was being watched, the things I did and said mattered. I am not known for using foul language in conversations. My daughters do not see me drink and drive. I have done what I can to be their role model for when/if the time comes that they get involved with someone, and that ends up for the rest of their lives. I have made sure that it matters to them, that they are as respected as the respect they will give their significant other. They are to stand firm in what they believe, remember the virtues that I displayed for them, as that will make them the best person they can be.

And when it comes to love, and being loved, both my daughters taught me what that feels like and what it means to have that in your life.

Every year, on this date, I think about how my life changed, now twenty-two years ago. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Not only has she been a great daughter, but also a great older sister.

I heard a very profound quote the other day, and I am paraphrasing, “I have spent most of my life, learning to live with you. And now, I spend my life teaching you everything necessary in life for the time you have to live without me.” And that hits hard as a 36 year cancer survivor with a very complicated health history. My daughters have family and friends who have lost parents. I am no one special to deserve to still be here with all that I deal with health wise, but I do have enormous pressure to make sure that my daughters learn everything they need to not just succeed in life, but thrive, before anything happens to me.

Being a Dad has been one of the most meaningful things of my life, and I have been twice blessed. My purpose in life changed the days that both of you were placed in my arms. I am proud of both my daughters in ways that can never be put into words. Both have great opportunities ahead of them, fearless, strong, and oh yes, determined. My biggest influence on them, is that hopefully I have given them the confidence to believe in themselves as I believe in them. They are both capable of achieving anything they set out to do, they carry my last name. And I hope that I have been the role model to them, that I did not have, to learn what strength is, what sacrifice looks like, and what unconditional love is like, because I know that is what we have, and no one, and I mean NO ONE can ever take that away. When things get hard, and life gets overwhelming, they will be able to hear the kind and supportive voice of their Dad in their heads, that they can get through anything. They are my daughters.

I love you Madison and Emmalie. For as much time as I still have left, and no matter how old you grow, you will never lose this enormous hold and space in my heart. But admittedly, forever you will always be my little girls. And you will never be alone.

36 Years In Remission Of Cancer


Nowhere near my next age milestone of 40 years, but I realize being in remission for cancer for 36 years is nothing to sneeze at. In fact, advice that I often give to new patients and survivors, in dealing with remission and survivorship with all the anxieties and concerns of relapses, is to take it, yes I know this will be cliche, one day at a time. And quick math, my 36 years comes to 13,140 days, and that is a long time. When I say it gets easier as time goes on, I mean it. I remember every day of my cancer journey as if it just happened. While at the same time, these 36 years seem to have flown by.

In the 36 years of my remission, the diagnostics used to diagnose Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, no longer used. The methods used to stage Hodgkin’s, such as the laparotomy and the lymphangiogram, are no longer used. The high dose, “scattered field” approach of using radiation therapy to treat Hodgkin’s, is no longer used. And the treatment used before the current standard of chemotherapy, a hybrid, MOPP-ABV (now used ABV-D), is no longer used. I have been in remission long enough to witness all of this progress.

Over these 36 years, I have been discriminated against for employment before the Americans With Disabilities Act was passed making that practice illegal. I struggled to get health insurance due to my pre-existing condition of cancer until the Affordable Care Act was passed requiring that acceptance.

I got married twice, and also divorced twice. I am blessed with two wonderful daughters, now in their twenties, over half of my survivorship, one on the verge of graduating college. I bought a house with a fence, just not white picket, which allowed the dog I always wanted, a golden retriever, to be able to run and play safely in the yard. I had a nice career working in of all occupations, medical research, even handling one of the chemo drugs I had been given. I participated in two school board campaigns as a candidate, the only time I have ever run for a public office. I have travelled to all four corners of the country, and around the world.

I have written and published many stories and publications, and two years ago, published my first book, “Paul’s Heart – Life As A Dad And A 35 Year Cancer Survivor” available on Amazon. I have had one of my stories acted out professionally by actors. And I still have many works in the process.

Music was always a huge part of my cancer journey, but also my survivorship. Whether I was disc jockeying (which I did for 40 years), or performing live vocals, it was the one time I could forget that I had cancer, or at least not think about it. I picked up the guitar and keyboards again, the first time since high school. And of course, I have a huge catalogue of music of all genres to listen and disappear to.

These 36 years have not been easy, or without price. Because medicine never studied what could happen if cancer survivors lived long term, more than the five years we are always quoted, and because we do, for many cancers now, late side effects from the treatments appear in some, not all, cancer survivors. The problem was, there was no plan for this and if it happened. And for those who did develope these issues, decades ago, could not find the care to help with these odd issues, or even how to treat them. But with the coming of social media and the internet, it would be other survivors, and eventually doctors catching on, now finally getting the attention to survivors, that we all should be followed up after five years, not necessarily by the oncologist, but at least by a primary care physician, to watch for something to develop if it does. Again, this is not guaranteed to happen, but if it does, it is important to be dealt with sooner than later. My health history on this page is filled with details of issues I have faced.

And one of the coolest experiences, was getting to reunite with my oncology nurse, my counselor, and my radiation tech, decades later, so that they could see the great thing they did. I know that not all of their stories had happy endings, but for a brief moment, I gave them one memory to remember they saved a life.

And then finally, and as important as my survivorship experiences, are the hundreds of patients and survivors who have crossed paths with me, either through peer to peer counseling, social media, or even happen chance meetings. Each and every person I have met or talked to, is a part of my success of 36 years. There is one downside, I have had to say goodbye to some of my fellow survivors, many way too soon, their bodies no longer able to handle the lifetime of trauma from their experience. Everyone, living and those gone, are all so important to me in my survivorship.

I am hoping, and according to my counter on my main page, that I will have another four years in me, to reach the 40 year milestone of survivorship, after which I will reset my counter to 50 years. I am still hoping to experience so much more. At least that is my plan. I know there is so much more for me to experience.

I cannot donate blood or organs because of my treatment history. I will not discover any cures or treatments, and financially I am not able to give back. So this is why I do “Paul’s Heart.” This is my way of giving back, sharing my private experiences, one reader or follower at a time, hopefully giving the inspiration that I looked for decades ago, and could not find, forcing me to take my fight against cancer on my own. And I hope my story does make a difference.

Stick around, there is going to be a lot more to come.

It Should Not Have To Be This Hard To Get Cured


I get countless stories across my feed, about patients being denied procedures, treatments, or prescriptions, and not just in the world of cancer. Two recent articles referenced an adult dealing with severe kidney disease and a young child needing medication to prevent flare ups of a chronic illness, which would risk death. Both were being denied what was being decided by their respective doctors by a pen pusher in an insurance company, driven by only profit for shareholders and what is best for them.

It was not always like this. In the 1970’s and early 1980’s, I can recall my mother writing a $25 check to the doctor directly. There was no insurance, just him and his nurse. There was no one dictating to him how to care for his patients. But that all changed once insurance got involved. Then care became about being “managed” with at least some concern about preventative medicine. But still, there were no warning signs that care was going to be sacrificed for shareholder profits as we see today. Today, the insurance industry is out of control with its interference with patient care, resulting in one tragedy after another. And leaving other patients with only one option, to fight the almight insurance company with everything you have, just so that you can get done what your doctor knows is best for you.

First, let’s understand the basics. Only doctors know what is best for their patients for one simple reason. They are the one hands on, in the room with the patient, hearing the patient, with the entire history at their fingertips. Next, insurance companies are like casinos in that, like casinos, also known as “the house”, they both have the advantage, and they only make money if the customers/patients do not win and get paid. So now you understand the odds are against you as a patient. The insurance company cares only about making money for its shareholders, and that means only one thing, deny paying out as many claims as possible, and worse, denying care and treatments.

If you are one of the fortunate, who are either healthy or have what is called a “cadillac plan,” one that covers everything without restrictions, then you have likely never had to deal with a pen pusher denying a claim or treatment. But for those of us that have had this happen to us, we know things have gradually gotten worse, way worse, and people are dying because of it. So I am writing this post, to do my part, to help, at least provide some directions and information, how to do the seemingly impossible, fight the big bad giant insurance company. It sucks that for so many, fighting for their very lives, they have to spend any energy they have to fight for their medical care on top of it, and the odds are against them, and so is time.

Dealing with an insurance denial can feel infuriating because we know our doctors are only trying to help us, but not the shareholders. So there is that constant conflict. And sadly, it is going to take more than one attempt to defeat the insurance company, by putting the right kind of pressure on the insurance company, you can improve your chances. But it takes strategy and focus, all while you are sick, possibly fight for your life against time.

Get the denial in writing and read it carefully. Ask for the exact reason for the denial and pay attention to the policy language they are using as to the denial. Was it:

  • not medically necessary
  • experimental/investigational
  • out of network
  • preauthorization missing
  • coding error

Often times, denials are procedural in nature, and can be fixed. A pain in the butt when time matters, but it is what it is. Coding errors are becoming more and more common and can be fixed by the doctors administration staff (remember earlier how I mentioned only a doctor and nurse handling everything, administration staffing is a major reason for health care costs skyrocketing, and mistakes being made).

File a formal appeal immediately. Insurance companies expect you, expect most people to give up. DON’T!!!! But this is where you now have to ask your doctor to advocate for you and file this appeal for you (actually they will likely have an admin staff member do it). This is not a big ask of the doctor and is really quite common. It is in their patient’s best interest to do this, and do so immediately. The appeal needs to include:

  • a letter of medical necessity
  • supporting medical records
  • peer reviewed studies if applicable
  • a clear explanation of why other options will not work or have failed

If the appeal fails, or time is that crucial, request a Peer-to-Peer Review. This is where your doctor can speak directly with the insurance company’s reviewing physician. But don’t be fooled by the “peer to peer” as anyone knows, there are differences between doctors and specialists. And you do not know the specifically if your doctor is speaking to an actual peer of their standing (as in oncologist to oncologist, neurologist to neurologist or cardiologist to podiatrist or pulmonologist to orthopedist). There is good and bad to this, but hopefully, as long as the conversation is keep professional, if not dealing with an actual peer, the insurance doctor can trust what your doctor is trying to convey. But if true peer to peer, then there should be mutual understanding of what needs to be done. A direct conversation is the best chance to clarify any complexity.

Even then, sometimes those appeals or reviews are not good enough. This is where you really need to advocate for yourself, because your life literally depends on it. It should not be this hard, but you need to do what you can. You have the right to request an independent external review under federal law (the Affordable Care Act). This external reviewer is not employed by the insurance company, and makes binding decisions in many cases. State-specific instructions how to do this are usually found under your state’s Department Of Insurance on the internet.

Depending on your coverage, as in if private insurance, you also have the option to file a complaint with your State Insurance Commisioner. If you are dealing with Medicare, contact the Centers For Medicare & Medicaid Services. And if it is employer-based insurance, you may have to involve the US Department of Labor (ERISA plans). Regulatory complaints often trigger faster re-reviews.

Double-check if it could have been a coding issue. It happens more than you know, especially with insurance companies dictating what appointments should be, versus what the doctor actually does, and contradicts what the insurance company expected. With my complicated health history, this happens all of the time. So, if it was the wrong billing code submitted, or the diagnosis code is wrong or does not justify the test or treatment, or even the provider forgot any pre authorization needed. It is not a big deal to have the doctor’s office double-check the CPT and ICD-10 codes.

If the denial says “experimental,” ask your doctor to be sure to include specialty guidelines, standard-of-care publications, and consensus statements. Insurance companies may relent and reverse when shown what the doctor wants to do is standard practice.

Of course, if the situation is Urgent or Cancer-related, and delay will seriously jeopardize the health of the patient, reqeust an expedited appeal. Response must be faster, hopefully within 72 hours or less. A simple accompanying statement from the doctor, “delay may materially affect the prognosis,” should carry weight.

And if all else fails, there are some other options such as negotiating a cash price (which is often times less than billed rates), speak to a case worker or social worker about financial assistance programs, and if necessary, a legal consultation (especially if the denial contradicts policy language). Your doctor is going to do all they can for you, or at least they should, but understand, like the comparison to the casino, the insurance company only succeeds if they deny, deny, deny, and not pay out claims. They do not care about patients, only profits for the shareholders.

But what the insurance companies do not count on, is persistance. Like really, who does not want to survive what they are dealing with, that you have to fight even harder and waste more time. But keep this psychological strategy in mind. Insurance companies operate on time pressure, administrative fatigue (they count on you giving up), or they may even just get tired of the fight. Some times, persistence is one of the strongest tools in this fight.

Of course, this all circles around to my constant fight for universal health care. Those who oppose it, come up with one excuse after another, and even after it is proven to be the advantage, at the end of the day, it is the mere fact, that some simply do not want the government in charge of the insurance. These people are willing to pay over $20,000 a year, for a private entity to deny them health coverage as opposed to what is already taken out of paychecks, called a FICA tax, which contributes to Social Security and Medicare, an amount of 15.3% total, split in half between the two, so 7.65% to Medicare, already being paid along with whatever your pay towards private insurance. Medicare has a much lower, if any denial rate compared to private insurance, and more importantly there are stronger mechanisms for Medicare to fight any delays or denials. But then the argument falls back on “I don’t want government controlling my health care” or “wait times” (which already exist), or “can’t see who you want” (with a private option, yes you can), or whatever excuse those who oppose want to throw out. It is against your best interest to oppose universal health coverage which is why EVERY other industrialized country has it except for us, because in the US, health insurance is not about patient care, it is about profit over patient. And because of that, good luck with your appeals.

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