Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Family and Friends”

Medical Gaslighting And The Struggle With Hypochondria


There are a couple of parameters, expectations, and definitions I need to begin with this post. And I will go right for it. Medical gaslighting occurs when healthcare professionals dismiss, minimize, or invalidate a patient’s symptoms and concerns. Hypochondria is an emotional condition characterized by an excessive, persistent, and unfounded fear of having or developing a serious medical illness. Now that I have set the definitions you can understand where I am coming from.

(image courtesy of Choosing Therapy)

I have been blessed most of my life, with not just having the proper care for everything I deal with, but for having the right doctors. My personality helps as well, in that my doctors know that I do not reach out to them, unless something is definitely wrong. My primary care doctor of nearly forty years normally only saw me once a year for a seasonal allergy shot, so when I showed up one day with huge “blisters”, itching and painful, even the administrators knew it was something serious.

But in recent years, and perhaps not so recent, something has been happening to medical care in the United States, and it has not been good. It is bad enough that costs of both the health care and insurance continue to climb, a la “profit over patients”. It is unthinkable that access to doctors, lack of availability often unable to schedule an appointment in less than a year is now the norm. Insurance companies now determine what care you can have, often based on AI. And then there is the hierarchy of care, something I know I struggle with, unable to see a doctor, you can see any one of their underlings, a physical assistant, a registered nurse, a certified nurse, a nurse practitioner, and more, all who have less experience than the one you need to see, the doctor. They give responsibilities to these lower levels of care (as well as less pay) to justify their value of the appointment, but clearly, if you have something seriously wrong, you need the best care available, not follow the time consuming steps to reach the pinnacle, the doctor.

For those deeply entrenched in the medical world, albeit unwillingly, there is a phenomenon making medical care even worse when it happens, medical gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological and emotional abuse where a manipulator distorts the truth to make someone question their own memory, perception, or sanity. In fact, this was made into a 1944 movie, titled “Gaslight” starring Ingred Bergman and Angela Lansberry. It is a black and white movie (for you kids that was before color films came along), that actually is still kind of stressful to watch. But at the end of the movie, you totally get what gaslighting is. So how does it apply in the world of medicine? The answer should be, “it shouldn’t”.

Imagine you are a patient dealing with a chronic illness or a disease such as cancer. In dealing with any medical situation, that you are so far away from feeling healed or recovered, it is not uncommon for us to let our caregivers know when we are dealing with potential side effects or are not feeling well. Instead, the patient is made to feel that how they are feeling is “all in their head.” The medical person does not seem interested in pursuing the patient’s concern, not asking follow-up questions, or worse, deflecting away from the problem. This is medical gaslighting. I need to be clear, I have never experienced this myself as a patient, but I have seen it first hand as a caregiver. And it is horrifying to watch. Worse, it delays the actual diagnosis, leads to inadequate treatment, the biggest concern, the patient develops a loss of trust in the health care system, and the provider.

“It’s all in your head.” “You’re just looking for attention.” “You’re just hormonal.” “It just comes with getting older.” “You’re overreacting.”

Because if the medical caregiver is successful with their approach, the patient walks away not only not treated properly, but feeling an excessive anxious condition, called hypochondria, having a fear that something is wrong despite little or no supporting medical evidence. But there is a huge difference between having a fear that something is wrong, and knowing something is wrong. And if a patient is being gaslit medically, and the patient knows full well something is wrong, feeling like they are a hypochondriac, incorrectly, can be a fatal response.

I am willing to admit, especially as a long term cancer survivor, not everyone in the medical world knows about us, and the many health issues we face. Until a couple of decades ago, we were barely recognized because we weren’t expected to live this long to develop these late effects, which of course were not researched. But if you are dealing with as caregiver who lacks that knowledge, and instead blames the patient, that is medical gaslighting.

This is not to say that hypochondria is not real. It most certainly is, but when it is created in a patient because someone trusted for necessary medical attention does not have either the necessary skill or education, and then treats the patient as if their situation is not real, that is a real problem.

I am very open about my medical history. I have a list of diagnosis a page long. I could not imagine, as I am dealing with yet a new symptom (as I wrote in my last post), being told that “it was nothing” or “in my head.” Those who have cared for me know that I struggle with recognizing symptoms as it is, but just because I have frequent flyer miles in the medical community, blow me off with a symptom once, and I will ignore them everytime they come up. And that could be a fatal judgement.

My advocacy is always for the patient and survivor who deal with these weird anomolies, you know, the kind you would see in the old tv series “House.” Just because the patient doesn’t meet the metrics for age for the symptoms, or happens to have a lot of stuff wrong with them, especially through no fault of their own (like the treatments used to save my life from cancer and the late effects they have caused later in life), trust me, while I respect and appreciate every minute I get with my medical team, neither of us want to be in that exam room. But for now, I know I have care providers that will not gaslight me. The same cannot be said for many of my fellow survivors.

All is not hopeless, there are things that can be done if you are being gaslit. It is unfortunate as you likely have enough on your plate, that you need to advocate even harder to be taken seriously. It always helps to have a “caregiver” or second set of ears at your appointment, because as a patient, there is always the risk you won’t hear everything you need, but instead that caregiver will now be a witness as well as an advocate. Document everything either in writing, or recording with your cell phone (you do need to let them know you are recording, and state that it is only to remember details of the appointment). Seek a second opinion, no doctor should ever be offended or upset by this step. Best case, nothing found, and that is good. Worse case, something does get diagnosed. Request documentation, for the doctor or provider to note in your chart the refusal to run a certain test or treat. Doing so may force them to reconsider.

It is easy to take medical gaslighting personally, and you should, but the ire should be directed appropriately to the corporate ways and procedures dictated and insurance guidelines that are now directing our medical care. I do not believe for one minute that any provider from nurse to doctor is malicious or manipulative. Unfortunately, they simply may not have a choice.

I want to be clear, I do not know all the ins and outs of how medical practices and specialties work. And I have been blessed as I said, to not have providers blow me off or dismiss me. But I am now experiencing the difficulties of seeing the level of care I need, instead to have only available lower levels of providers, who I want to be clear I have so much respect for. But in the end, I am getting charged the same as if I were seeing the doctors, and the insurance companies are still seeing profits, hand over fist, rather, profits over patients. But that is another post.

As always, I welcome comments on my posts. I know I have several doctors who follow me. If I have said anything inaccurate, please correct me and I can edit my post. If you feel there is anything that should be added, I can do that.

From Patient To Survivor To Patient… Again


It is hard for me to imagine with my health history, that there is anything to experience something new or different when it comes to my health. Yet two weeks ago, that is exactly what happened to me. The difference this time, I actually noticed something not right, which is something I am not known for. My reputation is that I wait to respond to a medical issue until I am critical to do something or have my body react in such a way that cannot be ignored.

I have no shortage of health problems, all related to the treatments I received for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma back in 1988. In fact, the list of diagnosis would fill an entire sheet of paper. Some are just diagnosed and just “there,” some are being watched, and a few have a bit of a higher priority and are being more closely monitored. It has been since 2021 that I had my last procedure, to replace my aortic valve (my 3rd heart surgery). But if you read
“Paul’s Heart” you have seen the above picture before, the number of “swords” of Damacles that fairly accurately describe my health. Well, it appears another “sword” is about to drop, or is at least swinging perilously as legend describes it.

While out on an early morning walk, all of a sudden, I felt my body drift to my right, uncontrollably, I could not stop it. To be clear, I am not sure if I physically drifted, or if the sensation in my head, that of a lava lamp, was causing me to feel as if I was drifting. I did not fall over anything which is what is making it hard to figure out what happened. The episode lasted approximately a minute. Nowhere near my car, and in spite of my phone being in my hand, I returned to walking back to my car, my senses now straightened, and returned home.

To be clear, I have some of the best doctors taking care of me. I have also lost several of my best advocates to retirement. Their replacements are still learning about me. Like I said, my reputation, I often do not respond and react appropriately when a medical crisis pops up. This was not going to be any exception. I needed to be certain that this warranted further attention. The last thing I wanted to happen, which happens to many of my fellow long term survivors with late side effects, was to be gaslit, or told I was being a hypochondriac (this will be a separate post). Either of these two will completely shut me down. My prior doctors all know me well enough, I do not complain about my health, unless something is definitely wrong, and yes, likely very serious. It may take a little digging to find it, but there will be something there. But to tell me it is in my head or I am being a hypchondriac will shut me down, and possibly cause irreparable harm.

Though I am generally intimidated using it, I went to my AI app and stated what happened. I think if AI could dial 911, it would have, as the app began to actually argue with me to definitely seek help, based on my prior health issues. AI listed some possibilities, including a TIA, transient ischemic attack, sometimes referred to as a baby stroke, a clot, and a few others. The point was, that I should seek medical attention. I have a family history of strokes, both my mother and father, and my maternal grandfather. Add in my radiation history and chemo history and other heart stuff, I have quite a few strikes against me.

Though it took longer than it should have, a few days later, I reached out to my new primary care physician, my cardiovascular team, and my cardiologist. The first two decided to see what my cardiologist would find.

As if this was not difficult enough to deal with, I had some other things that I was dealing with. As John Lennon said, and I am paraphrasing, “life is what happens when you are busy making plans.” I am my mother’s caregiver as she recovers from a fall, and I had a scheduled trip to visit and attend my oldest daughter’s college graduation and my younger daughter’s 21st birthday. And no, AI had no answer for how to juggle everything, but it did continue to argue with me on what I should be doing, and was not.

My cardiologist had ordered a heart monitor for me. Yes, this is the device in the palm of my hand. The last time I saw a monitor, it was a huge box, about twice the size of a cell phone, hanging around my neck. But this monitor, is just larger than a zip drive, and will stick to my chest with a pair of sensors for just over two weeks, to measure my heart rate for any abnormalities.

Great, abnormalities. When it comes to my heart, my heart is a mess and it really does not need any further attention. I have had three surgeries, a double bypass of my LAD and a stent of my RCA, along with my aortic valve TAVR. But I still have other issues as well as some new diagnosis. My mitral valve is not great. I have a left bundle branch block (an electrical issue). My septal wall moves in reverse. I am in congestive heart failure as my ejection fraction currently stands at 40%. Recently I was diagnosed with myocardial ischemia (my heart does not get enough blood). And for purely entertainment purposes, I have an excitingly audible murmur, which draws attention from anyone who wants to hear a really strong murmur with their stethoscope if they have not heard one. I am a freak and should charge admission for this.

So sure, this incident should have a decent level of concern and response considering everything I deal with, especially with my heart. Just another “sword.”

The monitor arrived the day after I returned from the college graduation. And on it went.

It is adhering with tape, just below the top of my breast bone. You can see part of my bypass scar just below the monitor sensor. I don’t feel anything happening with it, and it does not make any noise. And compared to the old bulky type of monitors, this one is barely noticeable. Now, all I do is going about what I do, and make note if I am able, of any symptoms I notice, which again, is difficult for me to do.

I know the things that are being looked for, and no, I do not need any new diagnosis made. And I could go the whole test period without the monitor picking anything up, especially if this was a one-off event, which is what I am clearly hoping for.

I am just thankful that my doctors do not gaslight me, or treat me as a hypochondriac, and instead take my symptoms and descriptions seriously.

Was It “Worth It?”


It is always bittersweet for me when I share this type of announcement. I made it clear when I completed my treatments for cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I wanted to do what I could, to show others, that they could do it also. And from day one, that is exactly what I have done.

And in 1982, never did I think as I was the sole participant for an American Heart Association fundraiser as a senior in high school, a few years before my cancer diagnosis, that I myself would become a cardiac survivor more than twenty-five years later, a situation actually caused by my cancer treatments.

Being a survivor of even just one of these medical crisis is reason enough to celebrate, but to face two different medical challenges is a whole other level.

Like I said, my longevity is bittersweet, because as amazing as it is to have survived this long after both cancer and cardiac events, there are so many other survivors of both, who came into my life, and are no longer here. This, is what I struggle with, my “survivor’s guilt.” I do not feel guilty for my surviving either of cancer or cardiac issues, not at all. But I feel guilty that so many others have not. There is no rhyme or reason for who continues on and who does not, even if we underwent similar treatments or procedures, does not guarantee us longevity. There is no answer to “why them, not me?”

I know so many long term survivors of the cancer that I faced personally, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma that are with me today. And they are an inspiration to me, as many are now 40 and 50 years into their survivorship. As they are an inspiration to me, at 37 years of cancer survivorship, I want to be that inspiration to others behind me. That is why I still celebrate my survivorship, as uncomfortable as it makes me feel.

But as each year passes, adding to my longevity, that means more milestones that I will get to experience. This week, I will experience two milestones, as my younger daughter celebrates her 21st birthday today, both of my daughters officially over the age of 21, and my older daughter will be the first of two college graduations I will get to witness within a year of each other.

I want to be clear, when the day comes, my daughter’s graduation will not be about me, my milestones, or my survivorship. Her graduation day is 100% about her, her choice of school, her efforts to complete her schoolwork and projects, and getting up on that stage to get her degree that she worked so hard for. I am so excited for her, so proud of her, and we will celebrate this momentous occasion for her.

So before I can get to that point, I need to release my survivorship issues in regard to this milestone. Because it is a milestone for me to still be here to witness my daughter graduate from college. Even back in my days when I was battling cancer, I was often told by my therapist, that I did not take seriously, the toxic severity of what I was dealing with when it came to my treatments. And there were multiple times that I was in critical condition from various medical events. Have I earned this opportunity to be celebratory? Absolutely. But as always, my heart is also heavy for those who have passed on.

I have many parents in my life, while I know they are happy for my daughter, and all the things I have gotten to experience with my daughters over the years, I know their hearts carry a heaviness that never goes away, having lost their child, never to have a memory like this. Again, I truly believe those in my life in this situation are happy for me, and want me celebrate, and will congratulate all around. I just need them to know they are in my thoughts as they remember their loved ones.

And then there are the thousands of survivors that I have come across in my survivorship. Yes, thousands, literally from all over the world. Of my original “core 4”, those who were treated and I knew around the same time frame, only two of us are left. And there are over a hundred more over the decades that I have had to say goodbye to, due to complications of their survivorship, or some other spontaneous event. I know those who have gone on, if they were here, would be joining my other fellow survivors in cheering on my daughter. We truly appreciate how much everything can turn on a dime, and be gone just like that. And against all odds, starting with the original health crisis, a battle with cancer, I am still here to watch my daughter receive her degree.

My life has not been all about cancer. Sure, I have done what I can to advocate for patients and survivors. But my biggest role has been “girl dad.” My daughters laugh at all the photos I have taken over the years of them, but who do they call when they need a photo from a certain time doing a certain activity? This guy. I love going through the thousands of photos over the last twenty years, remembering how they got to this moment.

But this week, the moment needs to belong to my oldest daughter, not me. And I will do all that I can to make sure that happens.

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