Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Inspired By…”

30 Jun 2026

Cancer – What You Want To Know


I have been feeling restrospective a lot lately. And because it has been so long since I was diagnosed with cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, back in 1988, while I have seen progress in better diagnostics, progress in better and safer treatments, there is still something that has not made much if any progress, and that is, talk about survivorship or life after cancer.

There are three questions that pop into mind once you hear the words, “you have cancer.” The first, “Am I going to die?” And the second, “What am I going to have to go through for treatments?” A compassionate oncologist is going to answer the first question with as much positivity, and with very good reason because of all the progress made in cancer research, many cancers are highly successful with treatment. There are so many treatment options available and thanks to all the cancer survivors who came before them, science has learned what worked, and what needed to be worked on further to increase safety and success. But there is one question that I know I asked my oncologist back in 1988, and I still do not see any kind of answer to that question today. “If I get to remission, how much longer of a life will I have?”, and of course with hindsight over the last two decades, “what price will my body pay for everything that I was exposed to?”

Normally, most of us survivors only hear of the magic “five year” mark. And until we hit that five-year mark, we struggle with powerful paranoia and fear of relapsing or recurrence. Those first five years after treatment ends are the most challenging physically and emotionally. The fear of recurrence or relapse is very real, as every ache, pain, cough, or swollen lymph node immediately triggers the thought, “it’s back.” Follow up appointments which are meant to confirm all is good, can still bring intense anxiety while we wait for the words from the oncologist, “still all good.” And if there are any scans involved, we experience what is called “scanxiety,” a real and separate post.

During those first five years, we are learning to trust our bodies again. No one understands the unpredictability of their body more than a cancer survivor. There is living with the uncertainty, “will it come back?” or “How many years do I have after cancer?”

On top of that, there is the physical recovery, dealing with fatigue, which honestly never goes away fully, stamina, memory or concentration challenges (sometimes referred to as “chemo brain”), nerve problems which can persist long after treatment ends.

And then there is the adjustment emotionally. While everyone else around us celebrates that everything is over “for them” and life can get back to normal “for them,” we survivors often still process what happened for a long time and suffer from anxiety, depression, grief (yes, grief, we have experienced “loss” of what we once knew was our life before cancer), and PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder.

As we return to life, we have to find a new “normal,” as we discover so much has changed about us from how we once were. Our priorities (especially sweating the small stuff), relationships, work, and future plans are all handled differently. We do get back to managing our finances, rebuilding routines, and importantly reconnecting socially. It can be difficult at time as we have to figure out who is able to handle when we still need to talk about our experiences, not everyone is able or willing.

As much as I tried to be an inspiration for being able to get through treatments for cancer early on, after that five years had passed, I became focused on showing newer patients something to look forward to, life after cancer. I got married (twice actually), bought a house, had a nice career, and had two beautiful daughters, and a golden retriever. No, this was not the life I was heading toward in 1988, but it was what I was given after cancer.

But there was one discussion that had been left out, especially after that five years had passed. I was “dismissed” by my oncologist that it was unlikely that my cancer would return after that five years. Great! That’s all we cancer survivors want to hear. This was our gold ticket to move on with our lives. There was one problem, some of us would end up going a separate path from the straight path of life after cancer. It would take decades to get discovered and discussed, and even now does not get the attention that it should. And I am not going to make that part of this post as I talk about it in great detail on this page already, the developing of late side effects from our treatments. There is no rhyme or reason why or who develops them. Those of us who do get diagnosed with these issues are contributing to current information in regard to survivorship. But there still remains one question.

Can you live life after cancer, without having to deal with the memories, or the late side effects? Of course you can. But the question should be, “should you?” Like I said, there are no statistics stating who has gotten to live and how long without ever dealing with their cancer history again. Likewise, your oncologist should be referring you to see your primary care doctor for regular annual follow ups, not for the return of the cancer, but for the potential, not guaranteed, but potential for the development of any late side effects. Again, I have documented often how close I came, because no one was looking.

Of course, if you are like me, having these late side effects, we are documented, now. Because of those like me, and the thousands who came before me, doctors are aware of the issues that plague many survivors. It is just the surveillence and advocacy is not there, until it is too late.

So I did some research as I love to do. Now keep in mind, social media support pages can be overwhelming no matter what they health issue. Why? Because literally, everyone on those pages has an issue. Those who have nothing wrong, don’t need to be on a page like that. And those would be the numbers you are looking for, living after cancer, without the thoughts of cancer anymore. But here is what I discovered.

The fact is, we have no idea how many cancer survivors there are in the world, 30, 40, or 50 years after diagnosis. There are no worldwide or US registry that tracks survivors in that way. But one large long term study found that 52% of Hodgkin’s survivors were still alive after 30 years (it does not specify if with or without late side effects). At 40 years, the number drops down to 42%, but the study hints at issues from late side effects playing a role in the lower number. And well, 50 years, there is nothing to refer to. But I can tell you, I know plenty of 40 and 50 year survivors, and have even seen some 60 year survivors.

It’s frutstrating. Why don’t we talk about survivorship longevity, probably the most important issue once treatment ends? Or rather, why don’t we want to talk about it?

We keep all kinds of statistice on diagnosis and deaths, but never how many survivors there are or the milestones they reach. There is no excuse for losing track of patients today with technology and AI for when patients move or change health care providers. And then there is the biggest reason for wanting to know this statistic, the development of newer, better, and safer treatments.

And then there is this, funding. Survivors are not a priority for research funding. Research continues its focus on curing, not surviving and studying people alive decades after.

Look, you can live a long life after cancer, and also be unfortunate enough to deal with late side effects from the treatments. I know, I am now 37 years from my diagnosis. But because you do not know if you are going to be the lucky one who gets away actully 100% done with the topic of cancer, or someone who will face heart disease, secondary cancers, or endocrine, lung or vascular complications. And only awareness and prevention will give you those extra years. It is not an understatment, I never expected to be here to witness this milestone in my life.

But I did. I have lived long past the period that most cancer statistics discuss. And researchers are increasingly realizing that survivors like me need LIFELONG follow up care. In fact, while the medical community catches up, it is my “older” fellow long term survivors I actually owe my life to, being the ones encouraging me to be proactive, get help when needed, and most importantly, support me emotionally during the times that I struggle, and I still do.

It may have been unintentional when my doctor told me he would not use the word “cure” with me while being confident he would get me into remission. But it is hard to consider myself “cured” dealing with all the late side effects I deal with, while being in remission from the original cause. But boy, do I wish he would have told me that I would need to follow up medically for the rest of my life, that some of these issues could take decades to appear. I wish I had been warned about the emotionaly challenges. And I do wish that the majority of my friends could understand, that I cannot just “move on” or “just get over it.” Because I live with this body and all it betrays me with, every day, and often on my own so I do not burden others.

Make no mistake, cancer survivors are living a long time today. I am only one voice, so I am telling one person at a time. I have written to many networks and organization, and no one seems to want to talk about survivorship, just like science, the stories are only there for who gets diagnosed and who dies.

This is my story. I am a 37 year cancer survivor. And I feel I have a lot more years to go. Who else wants to tell their story?

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
23 Jun 2026

Question – Must I Avoid My Pets?


(photo from Facebook)

A question came across my news feed, “do I need to avoid my dog when I get home from the hospital after my heart surgery?” A legitimate question, but one I would never think of asking myself. In fact, quite the opposite, I am a firm believer in pet therapy. I wrote about it twice in my book “Paul’s Heart – Life As A Dad And A 35-Year Cancer Survivor.”

My cat played a pivotal role as I went through my cancer treatments. And then 18 years later, my 105-pound golden retriever played a major role following my open heart surgery. Though unlike my cat, with him, I did have a legitimate concern. His whole life, I had rough-housed with him, and allowed him to greet me at the door by standing up on his hind legs, jumping on me. With a surgically repaired sternum (breast bone), this was going to be a major concern. My dog had not seen me in over a week, and clearly he would be more than excited to see me, and I desperately feared him jumping on me or worse, knocking me over.

(photos of my cat and my golden retreiver)

But when I walked through the front door, I was surprised to see him walk up to me calmly, as if sensing something was off. He circled around me, and then just stood by my side, and I gave him a good head rub for being a “good boy.” During the rest of my recovery, it felt unusual that he did not bother me to play or do other things that we normally did. He was content just to stay by my side.

(my late father with a therapy dog during his chemo treatment)

That is why I am such a firm believer in “therapy” pets. I believe they can make such a difference in helping a patient to heal. I first saw a therapy pet in action with my father, and then experienced it myself.

So, the easy answer to the question, “do I need to avoid my pets?”, whether it be during treatments, or recovery from heart surgery, is no. But there are risks and precautions that should be taken, and honestly, care should be taken regardless even if you are a normally healthy person.

The last thing a person going through treatment or recovering from heart surgery needs, is an infection.

(photo from USA Today)

Even if harmless play, a scratch or a “nip” from a cat’s teeth, can quickly turn lethal with someone dealing with a compromised immune system. A cat’s mouth (and dog’s) is filled with bacteria that if breaking the skin, will send that bacteria directly into the bloodstream. And of course there is this… both cats and dogs guilty of butt-licking.

(photo courtesy of Shutterstock)

(photo courtesy of Gray Animal Hospital)

And then there is this toxic waste dump, the litter box. Just as pregnant women need to be careful cleaning the litter box, so do cancer patients and cardiac patients. Dust, bacteria, germs, and other issues (like amonia) can be inhaled while cleaning. Wearing a mask while cleaning the litter box is always recommended.

As I have said, I have had both cats and dogs. So now I am going to move on to my canine friends and the risks they present. I am a large dog guy, and so from a heart surgery standpoint, the risk of him jumping on my chest was a legit concern. But regardless of size, because even the little dogs can pull hard, leash pulling is harmful to those with a repaired sternum, or not needing the cardiac stress from the pull, or if going through cancer treatments, weakness. And again, regardless of size, falling or tripping over a dog who just so happened to pick the perfect spot for them to lay in, or even their toys that may be laying around. If recovering from heart surgery, you likely have a weight restriction, so that means no lifting bags of pet food (dog or cat).

If you deal with pet allergies, this could be a concern, and could cause issues with your recovery. You should consult your doctor for any precautions that are recommended, but the last thing you want is to make your issues worse from pet dander.

While normally pets are more known for the reduction of stress they provide, some, even though unintentionally can create more if they require strenuous care, or constantly wake up in the middle of the night interrupting deep sleep, or if they trigger anxiety due to behavioral issues.

But no, under normal circumstances you do not need to avoid your pets as you go through cancer treatments or recover from heart surgery. Simple and practical precautions that should be followed anyway even if a healthy person; washing hands after handling pets, do not let pets lick surgical wounds, keep claws trimmed and dull, have someone else handle litter boxes and picking up poop, be careful of “pulling” when walking, and most importantly if a heart surgery patient, protect that chest from anyone jumping on it.

The most important thing is to watch for any sign of infection developing, especially from a scratch or bite. It takes no time for an infection to go septic, and if you read “Paul’s Heart,” you know that is not good.

Posted in Animals, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
18 Jun 2026

Life Of A Girl Dad


I am waiting for the arrival of my two VIP’s for our annual Father’s Day weekend. So I figured I would distract myself til they land. In my head, I hear the music, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year,” which would normally refer to the winter holidays, but for me, as a long term cancer survivor, the most wonderful time of the year for me, is Father’s Day. Out of our 22 years together, we have spent 21 of them with each other, the only one missed, not my fault, as during the divorce, they were not brought to the airport, and therefore I did not get to see them that one time. But I have had 21 great weekends with them overall.

Unable to have biological children of my own due to my cancer treatments, I was not disuaded from what I always wanted, to be a Dad. And through the adoption process, I became a Dad, twice, to two of the most wonderful daughters a Dad could ever hope for, in fact, I love being referred to as a “girl Dad.”

I am extremely close to both of my daughters. I have made it a priority that they can trust me, confide in me, and come to me for support, any time of the day. The love between my daughters and I is unconditional, not transactional. There is no great feeling.

When you plant a tree or a flower, you water it every day. Some days you notice it growing more than others, and some days you barely notice, but it still grows. I have literally thousands of photos of my daughters from the days they were placed into my arms til today (and more photos will be taken). I will never forget how I had the priviledge watching them grow into their own people.

My daughters have allowed me to see the world through fresh eyes, their perspectives. They have introduced me to things before they came into my life, I would never have done. They have also taught me patience in how I react to negative impulses around me, because my response matters how they see me react.

One of the biggest impacts I want to have on my daughters at this point in their life, and I have set the example from day one, is being their example of how they should be treated, and how they should want to be treated. They will both give kindness and respect, but they also will expect it in return. They have seen me set the example for boundaries and healthy relationships.

I have grown myself as my daughters have grown. As I said, because how I react, how I process, and the decisions I have made over the years, mattered when I had extra eyes watching and learning.

From their first steps and through all of their school and extracurricular achievements and successes, I could not be more proud of who they have become. Life for them has not been easy given my health history, and I clearly would not still be here today if it were not for them. Many of our memories are not even seen in photos or big events. I remember many of our car rides and conversations, our jokes, a lot of our meals out, and so many phone calls. But the one thing that matters to me even more today, that both my daughters will still pick up the phone to call me, just to say “Hi” and “I love you Dad.”

I will definitely miss those early days of imagination and pretend. I must admit, I got lucky without having any makeovers, it full honesty I was never asked, but would have done it. Having long hair, my one daughter has been known to braid my hair out of boredome. I did my share of singing and dancing with them as they participated in their activities. As they got older, their honesty and bluntness also increased, especially when it came to Dad’s fashion limits. And then, there is the loss of “coolness” which I accepted gracefully, but found it could be restored, as their adult friends, in learning my background, had re-declared that I was cool.

I know the most pressure I put on myself, is that I am a problem-solver. I think I can fix everything. The key is to realizing that my daughters don’t always want me to give them a solution, they just need someone to listen, hear them out, to understand what they are going through, and to support them.

The hardest thing as a Dad, has been the times, watching them get hurt, whether it be a scraped knee, a broken friendship, a disappointment, a heartbreak, or even any kind of setback. The need to fix these things is real. I have done pretty good letting both my daughters go, to become independent. Bittersweet. They make their own choices, occasionally ask for my input, and will either recognize I was right, or they will take their own leap of faith. Either way, I let things up to them.

I will never hear their two-year old voice again, watch them play with their dolls. Special events in their lives are now dwindling in frequency to more of adult milestones, such as relationships and become parents themselves some day. But the one thing I have been clear of from day one, I want better for my daughters than what I had. My abilities have changed over the years with my health and divorce, but my effort and focus remains the same, I want them to have better. Every Dad should want this.

By now, most of you have seen this horrific video on social media, of a Dad, transporting his two daughters from Florida to Oklahoma for his custody period, making a stop by a convenience market. His daughters needed to use the restroom. No responsible father would take his daughters into the men’s room any more than a mother would take her sons into the men’s room. Dad’s have a difficult enough time, whether it be for the bathroom, bath time, buying hygeine products, or any other situations. I know. I have been there and done that.

This young Dad, not having the option of a family bathroom, knocks on the door of the women’s room, learning that it is empty, and proceeds inside with his daughters for them to use the bathroom. That should be the end of the story. It wasn’t.

Some stupid redneck jerk from Mississippi is also in the convenience store with his wife, apparently in a wheel chair, opens the door of the women’s restroom to help his wife inside, to discover this Dad and his daughters inside. He begins an argument in protest of a man being in the bathroom, though clearly this jerk was going to do exactly the same thing to assist his wife. Anyway, back to the events.

This jerk proceeds to call the police, saying there is a man in the women’s bathroom, and they need to come right away. To his credit, the Dad stayed cool, in spite of the fact that his one daughter was in tears from the awful things being said by the man about her father. A worker at the store, tried to console the girls, obviously distraught. As the police arrived, the situation ended, and for his trouble, the troublemaking busybody, was fined for wasting the police officer’s time, as he should have been punished.

As a girl Dad, I have seen my share of difficult situations, especially as a single Dad, always having to make sure to protect themselves against false accusations, especially when it comes to bathroom related tasks and such. Even when married, I was expected to take my daughters to the bathroom. Hell, I remember one moment during potty training, the first “poo” and the celebration that erupted after. I changed my share of diapers, gave baths until they were old enough, helped them pick out cloths, and as they got older, stood guard outside bathrooms, when they were old enough to enter by themselves.

What this jerk did was so out of line, and I hope Karma continues to reward him. To the Dad, he did an awesome job with the entire situaiton. And I truly hope he has as wonderful a visit with his daughters as I expect to very soon.

Posted in Adoption, Family and Friends, Education, Recreation, Inspired By... | Leave a comment

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