Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Family and Friends”

Understanding The Long Term Cancer Survivor


These are facts. A diagnosis of cancer is no longer an automatic death sentence in most cases. Cancer patients who reach remission, often live longer than five years (a survivor mark established by medicine and hoped for by patients). Treatments used long ago were never fully researched for long term side effects for patients who lived longer than those five years. Once these late effects were discovered, medicine still did not educate doctors, current and future, about late effects leaving millions of cancer survivors to struggle to receive care for mysterious ailments that did not coincide with their age or circumstance.

This is opinion. Once a cancer survivor is recognized with having to deal with late side effects, it is often difficult to convince family members that the effects are real, and irreversible. Employers often look at survivors who complain about their discomforts as simply trying to get out of work. Worse yet, those employers with their own disability management department often argue that an absence, due to those late effects cannot possibly be proven that the two are related in an attempt to reprimand the employee.

These are just a few of the circumstances that I have come across where people just do not get, what it means to be a cancer survivor and have to deal with the treatment side effects that cured us, now hinder, cripple, or kill us. But just when I thought I had dealt with all areas of my life with this issue, another hit came from another direction.

Earlier this week, I had a hearing pertaining to my divorce in regards to support. I am not going into the details of the hearing other than to express yet another example of how society is not yet ready or able to recognize those of us who have been fortunate to beat cancer, and live a long productive life.

During the hearing, the Master (taking the role of the judge for this hearing) was questioning my current absence from work and instead turned it around into why I was leaving my job. There are several circumstances with this issue. For the last many years, I have had several restrictions placed to protect my health in the workplace. And with the backing of the American With Disabilities Act, my employer not only had to, but was willing to meet and honor those restrictions because there was a job assignment that I was able to complete on a daily basis. And I have been doing that job for many years without any issue.

This year however, as many corporations are known to do, my employer decided to close the building that I work in. As this process takes place, work inside my building has dwindled leading to the elimination of the job I have been doing. Instead now, I am placed into a general work assignment pool, where my restrictions now affect my position, leaving me basically unable to do more than 90% of the work. This is not my choice and I had to convince the jurist of this, along with the fact that my medical issues of survival are not only very real, but also severe in nature, and not reversible. My attorney then handed the jurist about ten pages of my medical history as evidence of my health issues. I am not sure how well that will go since many medical practitioners do not understand the health of a long term cancer survivor, how will a jurist? But that is exactly who will decide my fate.

Post #300


I am never going to produce a major blockbuster movie like “300”. Nor will I ever have an opportunity to hit 300 homeruns. In fact the closest I have ever come to achieving 300 of anything would have been a perfect game in bowling back in my late 20’s. I threw strikes in the first nine frames, and then tapped a ten-pin, spared it, then completed the game with another strike in the 11th frame.

With my blog, I am finally achieving a 300, my 300th post on “Paul’s Heart.” My posts are at over 8000 views and the comments of support and appreciation are numerous. This is a big deal for me, but pales in comparison into the week ahead that I am going to have.

Next weekend, Father’s Day weekend, I will be memorializing my father who passed away three weeks ago. After discussing it with my siblings, we felt it was an appropriate tribute to our father. Just as many who have gone through such a personal loss, I am sure that you can understand the struggle to deal with “the first Father’s Day without my father.”

At the same time, it is Father’s Day weekend, something that I have always looked forward to since before I adopted my daughters. Besides the emotional toll of my father’s memorial to deal with, this will be the first Father’s Day for me with just my daughters. Due to the recent custody agreement I made with their mother, and my father’s passing, I have not been able to see them in a long time, the longest time apart.

I speak to my daughters every day, and on a couple of occasions I have been able to see my daughters courtesy of Facetime. I will get to spend the entire weekend with them, and I have a lot of activities planned with them. But next weekend will not be just about me. Every day I have thought about the hurt and confusion that my daughters must have. Which is why I will pull out all the stops to show them next weekend that the divorce does not change who their mother is, or who their father is. It is important to me to make sure that my children do not blame themselves for the divorce, that the divorce was an issue between just their mother and I.

The girls get to do a lot of fun things with their mother, and next weekend, I cannot wait to spend time with them.

My story is not unique, as there are probably thousands of other dads who have a similar story heading into next weekend. My parents divorced when I was young. So I have the perspective from both child and parent.

Next weekend is not about quantity, but rather the quality of the time that I get with my daughters.

You Didn’t Just Say That


Back when I decided to adopt my daughters, part of the process involved being educated in how to deal with becoming an interracial family. My daughters were going to be Chinese, and with the exception of having my eyes, clearly they were going to look different than me.

That difference is almost certain to bring out comments from people who do not understand just how potentially hurtful their words can be. You can call it ignorance, perhaps even bigotry. I would just call the comments and questions unnecessary. After all, no one ever asks a family with biological children “so where is your child from?” or of the siblings, “are they siblings?”

But that is exactly what happens, and I cannot vouch for when the children are adopted by the same ethnic parents, but when the family is going to be mixed ethnicity, white/African American/Chinese/Latino, for some reason, people need to know.

So it is not unusual for me to hear at least a half a dozen times when I am in public with my daughters, I will hear, “Are they sisters?” to which I always reply “yes.” Because they are. That is all they need to know. My daughters know that they have different birth mothers and fathers, but have the same adoptive mother and father. Another question that I usually give a smartass response to is, “where are they from?” I can give only a smartass answer because when you see my daughters you can see that they are Asian. But I give the answer, “from Lansdale.” But then that gets followed up with, “no, I mean what country are they from?” which my reply the United States. No, I do not have to play this game, but I have grown tired of it after all these years. Their mother and I, while knowing that are daughters were adopted from China, simply look at our daughters as just that, our daughters. We recognize and celebrate their Chinese heritage regularly. But to us, our daughters are no different than if they were our birth children.

But the worst possible comment that I heard actually came from a co-worker, a comment that while I knew the person was capable of saying bigoted or self-righteous comments, all in the name of Christianity, I never saw this comment coming.

The conversation started in the breakroom during my lunch period. My co-worker said to me, “you know, I don’t really approve of what you are doing,” making reference to the adoption of my first daughter (I never gave him a chance to make another comment like you will see in a few moments). I looked at him, knowing his personality, that his opinion was going to be in the line of “being unable to have kids, maybe I was not meant to have kids as God had planned”, his God, not mine. I have heard this said be some before. And perhaps I could have accepted his comment without any reaction from me if that had been his comment. But for whatever reason, I allowed the conversation to continue like I was trying to educate the ignoramus.

“Why, what do you mean?” I asked like I needed his approval.

“Well, I just don’t think it’s right. We send all of work over to China. We sell nothing but Chinese made products here. And you are bringing the Chinese here making it worse.”

It is not often to make me speechless, but this asshole did it. I stood up, pushed my chair in and walked away. I never entertained any other personal conversation with him ever again. I never, ever thought I would hear that comment from him. I understand the rhetoric by uneducated people who feel the blame for all the ills on our economic relationship with China, but the children of China are not. My daughters are US citizens and when of age will pay taxes unlike many US corporations. But when I heard that comment come from him, I could recall that I never once heard him complain about that last fact, only that I was bringing the Chinese to the country, under the guise of creating a family for me, to take over the US economy.

There are many other stupid things that I have heard, and many families I know who have heard worse.

When you see me with my daughters, if you feel the need to offer a comment, and though I am biased, I do expect to hear how beautiful they are, but I do not want to be asked where they are from or if they are sisters. Trust me, I like to talk. And if I feel it is appropriate, I will bring up that fact.

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