Is This Thing On?
A couple of months ago, I did a comedy routine around cancer. Yes, cancer. To be clear, I did not make fun of having cancer, but found ways of dealing with some of the situations with some humor. Of course, if you were someone who has never had cancer, besides being fortunate, you may not have been able to “get” the jokes. Well, I am back at it again. This time, I am dealing with the issue with my right arm and hand, lymphedema, swelling through my lymph system (as opposed to blood caused by the heart – which I also deal with). Again, imagine if you will, I am referring to the swelling in one arm, not both, and not only how uncomfortable it is, but awkard. While I wait for my doctors to come up with a plan, they say laughter is the best medicine, so here goes…
So I have this new condition in my survivorship, called lymphedema. It is when lymph fluid cannot flow through the lymph vessels properly because of some sort of restriction. Looks painful. Feels weird. I have currently lost about 75% of use of that right side appendage because of this issue. But not all is lost. I have my sense of humor.
First, there is no need to worry, I am not turning into the incredible hulk, my right arm just got the wrong memo. My left hand looks normal while my right hand looks like it has been hitting the all-you-can-eat sodium buffet. Both my arms are like if they were in a long distance relationship, clearly having stopped communicating. I call my left hand Paul, my right hand Paul XL.
One of my goals working out was to have bigger arms. Evidently the universe only heard half of that request. Where I live in Florida, people pay thousands for asymmetrical fashion. My lymph system gave it to me for free. If I am going out for dinner, my left arm says “business casual”, but my right arm says “professional wrestler.”
So to understand, one of my arms and hands are retaining fluid, the other is just retaining its dignity. If I were a boxer, my two hands would be in different weight classes.
I’m saving money when I go to sports events currently. I don’t need to buy a large foam finger. Nature provided me one.
A swollen hand walks into a bar. The bartender said, “holy crap buddy, you buying drinks for all five of those sausages?” I can still give someone the finger while I am driving, which is important in Florida. The bad news is, it just looks like a bratwurst.
Yes, this is another one of those late side effects from my treatments for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma 37 years ago. We survivors call treatments, “the gift that keeps giving, long after you’ve lost the receipt.” Nothing a cancer survivor needs to hear is, “you know what this person needs? A freaking sequel.” So surviving cancer isn’t enough with everything else I have gone through survivorship, I now have the limited-edition oversized hand.
Late side effects from treatments are basically your old cancer treatments drunk-texting you decades later. “Hey! You awake?”
Having one hand larger than the other isn’t all bad. I can use one for everyday use, and the other for intimidating people. I might just say I have a regular arm, and a Costco-sized arm. I keep waiting for this swelling to go down, but my body keeps telling me to lower my expectations.
I have tried wearing a compression sleeve, also known as arm spanx. That has not helped. It just made my arm feel vacuum-sealed. There is enough fluid in my right arm and hand to qualify as waterfront property. If my arm and hand get any bigger, I will be able to claim it as a dependent.
The upside to the swelling, nobody asks me to reach into narrow spaces anymore. One hand says “handshake,” the other says “medieval weapon.” It’s like if my lymph system was put in by a plumber, it was done by the lowest bidder.
So that is all I have for my over-agressively confident right hand and arm. I never asked for Popeye’s forearm, especially just one of them. It looks like I was thumbwrestling myself, and my right hand ate my left hand. I finally understand what “thick-skinned” means, unfortunately, literally. Of course if I wanted to brag, when asked why one is bigger than the other, I could just respond “you should see the other guy.” I could just become a Bond villain, I already have the wierd hand.
Thank you all, you’ve been great!
Now back to watching my phone.
Paul's Heart 