Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Animals”

21 Dec 2014

Scrooge 2014


Scrooge 1

I hate this time of year.  Now when I say that, I do not mean it to say that I set out to ruin anyone else’s joy.  I personally just do not like this time of year.  It is a double whammy for me, because not only Christmas is celebrated during this month, but so is my birthday.  This time of year for me is just so difficult for me to get through.  Reflecting back, I have not had one normal December, with no crisis to deal with, in nearly forty years.  That is right, forty years.

ghost of past

Journeying back to 1976, the first of my annual yule time nightmares, my house caught fire from an errant spark that came from a match, being struck by my aunt to light my 11th birthday cake.  Other memorable Winter seasons include one of the biggest struggles I faced, battling cancer.  Another year, three of my relatives passed away between Christmas and New Year’s Day.  My stepmother was hit by a car crossing the street just days before Christmas.  But literally, I could list thirty five more years.

Scrooge 6

Towards the later part of my life, in the 1990’s in particular, I got away from really wanting to celebrate my birthday, or the materialistic glitz of Commercialized Christmas.  Once I had been told I was in remission, I have never asked for another gift in my life.  To this day, I still will never ask for anything because as far as I was concerned I got the ultimate gift, another shot at life, cured of cancer.

Scrooge 4

That is not to say, that I did not enjoy watching others celebrate the seasons, I just do not enjoy them for myself.  For me, it goes beyond “thinking positive.”  Every year, since 1976, I have had to deal with some sort of crisis during this holiday season.  Following the arrivals of my daughters, I had always held out hopes that my fortunes would change, but they did not.  Instead, I had to put more energy into making sure that my daughters did not realize what I was dealing with.  I wanted them to enjoy the magic of the holidays.

ghost of present

This year however, is going to be my most challenging yet.  Not only am I dealing with the first Christmas without my father since his passing from lung cancer,this is my second year into the divorce with my second wife, which has raised contentious emotions to extreme levels.  The children continue to be caught in the middle of our divorce.  This year was going to be difficult enough, as this was going to be the first year that I am physically away from my daughters on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  It was at my own doing, to make the custody agreement process go as smoothly as possible, as I would get to see my children the day after Christmas for their extended school break.  At least, that is how it is supposed to be.

Scrooge 3

But something so much worse, has the potential to make this season, the worst of my life ever.  Even my battle with cancer is not as bad in the lifetime effect, what is about to occur.

ghost of future

An issue with unemployment and my child support agreement, I am not only behind in my child support, but I do not have the funding to have my daughters visit me this holiday season as was arranged through our custody agreement.  I could not make the flight arrangements when flights were affordable because of pending legal proceedings and not knowing when I would have to travel again.  By the time the proceedings were completed, it was December 19th, my birthday, and all flights are sold out, not to mention, well over $1000 each just for one way if they were available, hardly affordable for a parent struggling to make child support payments.

Scrooge 5

In a desperate attempt, I even created a “donation” site to beg for money, to help me afford to see my children during this holiday, since I was unemployed and had no savings.  But with the hatred that my ex wife has for me, it was not long before she discovered the fund, and through her attorney, ordered me to cease immediately.  I was being prevented from raising funds from any way possible while being unemployed.

Scrooge 2

With no job, no savings, and no financial help from anyone else, this now goes beyond just not being able to see my children this year for Christmas, or Christmas without my dad.

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The picture above is one of the last photos that was ever taken with my father and I.  I also do not remember any other Christmas with my father throughout my childhood.  I will never let that happen when it comes to my daughters.  This year unfortunately did not go as planned with the visitation for a number of reasons, none of which changes the current situation for me, that I will not be with my daughters this holiday season.  All I can do and have done, is promise to my daughters that this will be the last Christmas season apart.

For me, it is another year, of trying to find solace in the true meaning of Christmas to me.  My faith.  It is my faith that has gotten me through all of these other years, and it is being tested to its limits this year.

I am sorry my angels.  I know the hurt that you are feeling.  Which is why I will make things better, I promise you.  I love both of you too much to let this happen again.

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Posted in Adoption, Animals, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
15 Dec 2014

A New Achievement For “Paul’s Heart”


I have always enjoyed writing, and that has been the key, enjoying it.  I did alright when it came to school projects, as long as the subject inspired me.  But if I was forced to write about something, admittedly, I do not believe I put out my best efforts.

Several years ago, I returned to one of the hobbies I love most, recreational writing.  I had already been writing advice posts on internet support sites for cancer patients and survivors, but an opportunity came about once I had become a patient at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center as a long term cancer survivor.

MSKCC had recently begun a new and revolutionary concept program called Visible Ink.  The program was meant for patients and survivors of MSKCC, and gave the opportunity for us to write, all the while being coached by professional writers.  It was voluntary on both sides of the pen.  But the best thing about the program is that it gave writers like me an opportunity to express our personal experiences, while at the same time, provided therapeutic relief from the many stresses we deal with concerning our health battles.

Each year, Visible Ink publishes a book, with dozens of stories written by very special authors, patients and survivors.  Some stories are about their own personal experiences, some may be about other situations.  A special night is held for the authors, where a select group of the stories are picked to be performed live, by professional actors and singers.

This will be the fourth year that I have had a story published in this book.  Other titles which I have saved on this blog as a “page” include:

“Cabbage – Not Just a Green Leafy Vegetable”

“Life On A Class Five”

“What’s Your Sign?  Mine Is Cancer.”

I have just been informed that this year, for the first time, one of my stories has been selected to be performed live.  I will not disclose the title at the current moment, until the book is published at least.  I have experienced many special events in my life, but this is definitely going to be one of the highlights for me

I informed my daughters tonight, whom I have always encouraged to read and to write.  Both of my daughters are very good story tellers, and great when it comes to detail.  They know about “Paul’s Heart.”  They also know about my other writing endeavors such as Visible Ink.  They were excited to hear that one of my stories will be performed and I told them that I look forward to having them by my side on that night as it happens.

There will be a video play of the performance, that will come later on.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
01 Dec 2014

Holiday Memories – Santa’s Close Call


The Winter holiday season, while being one of the happiest times of the year for so many, especially children, and adults who take the meaning of Christmas to a whole new “Clark Griswald” level of Christmas, can also be some of the most difficult times for many.  And I am one of those.  In spite of what I had hoped for a turnaround with my “holiday attitude” once my daughters came into my life, my feelings around this time of year continue to struggle.  This is not to say that my holidays have been a complete failure at all.  It just means that I have a difficulty celebrating it either so early, or so extravagantly as many do.  But once the big day is here, I get through the day, with excitement thanks once again to my children, and then I go back to reality.  It has been this way now for nearly 40 years.  That’s right, I cannot even blame it on my cancer, which coincidently I was diagnosed with just before the Thanksgiving holiday twenty six years ago.  I cannot remember the last incident free holiday season going all the way back to 1976, on my 9th birthday this month, when my house caught fire from an errant spark of a match lighting my birthday candles.  From that point on, I dealt with one holiday death of a family member each year, or some other struggle, which took on a whole new meaning once I was diagnosed with cancer in 1988.

But as I said, I am not a total Scrooge or Grinch for the holiday.  I do have fond memories of Christmases gone by.  One memory that will always come first in my heart belongs to my oldest daughter, Madison.

Christmas 1

It was Madison’s first Christmas with us and it was going to be one that even at her age, she would appreciate the magic of Christmas and Santa Claus.  And I would do my best to make sure that it would be a very special Christmas for her.

December 2007 - 2

Yes, I did what many other Dads did for their children did and dressed up like Santa Claus.  But clearly, after insisting that she get some sleep, and not wait up for Santa, I had to have some sort of proof to her, besides the presents, that the big guy was in fact inside of our house.  And so, after we put Madison to bed, I went to work.  I put on nearly the entire outfit, red suit, beard, hat and then had my wife (at that time), take pictures and video of me, dressed as Santa, delivering gifts under the tree, eating the yummy treats that were left for me, and even stopped to have a little playtime with a dog who was always on Santa’s “nice” list.  My final stop, was into Madison’s room, to place one small gift under her personal tree (the amount of Christmas trees in my house is another post).  All of this was caught on film.  All I had to do is wait for the next morning for one excited little girl to find all the gifts left for her.  She wasted no time.

Of course I allowed her to open all of her gifts first before revealing that it was Santa who brought her the presents.  She was not disappointed.

Then we had the following conversation:

Dad:  Hey Maddy, you know Santa Claus was here last night right?

Madison:  Yes Daddy (very excited).

Dad:  Well, I had the camera set up to take pictures and video to see if we could catch him bringing your gifts.

Madison was very excited at that point and could not wait to see that Santa was indeed in her house.  Her smile stretched from one ear to the other as she watched the video of Santa putting the presents under the tree, eating the cookies and drinking the milk, and playing with our golden retriever Pollo.The still shots, like the one shown above, showed Santa in various positions inside the house as well.

Madison:  Daddy, why does “ho ho” (her name for Santa) have your sneakers on?

Yep.  I said I put “almost” all of the costume on.  I did not realize my camera person was going to focus on my shoes as well, so I did not put the black boot overlays on which would have hid my sneakers.  But the bigger point was this, from that point on, we realized just how attentive to details our daughter was.  You see, Madison, like many other small children, love to walk in their parents’ shoes, men’s or women’s.

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Yep.  She loved wearing mine.  And I took it for granted that a little girl, just because she was excited about seeing the big man in red, would not notice his surroundings.

Dad:  Well Madison, his boots must have been really dirty from climbing down the chimney and he didn’t want to make our carpets dirty.  He saw my sneakers, and must have put them on while he was in the house.

In ice hockey, we would call that one “an off-the-goal-post save”.

We still did the same routine every year after for a few more years, but those times, the camera was kept from the waist up.

As for Madison?  She still has those eagle eye skills for detail, and even just when she is on the cusp of not believing in Santa any more, she still holds on for one more year.

 

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Cancer, Family and Friends, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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