Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the month “January, 2015”

16 Jan 2015

Walk And Chew Gum


This morning’s walk was quite an active one, much more than I like the morning walk to be.  For me, it is about starting my day, with a clear head, with a positive direction.

Everything can change during this walk, depending on what has happened in the days before.  As of late, you may as well throw everything I am dealing with in a blender and hit the “puree” button.

Like I said, I want my day to start off slowly, and constructively.  I only got a couple of blocks from the front door, when three or four things that have been on my mind regularly, quickly jumbled around in my head for the top story to be dealt with today.

Just as I lost focus of my morning ritual, there he was, Oakley.

Oakley

Though Oakley’s coat was much darker than what a golden retriever normally had, he was definitely a golden.  And yes, being the sucker I am for goldens, I had to stop and pet him.  This is not the first time that I have seen Oakley.  It is only natural that he has a very friendly personality.  I immediately got down on the ground so that my head was at the same level as his big “square head.”

Oakley lets me pet him, much the same way I used to pet Pollo, rubbing his chest under his chin, scratching and rubbing his ears, and of course reminding him just how handsome he is.  As I looked up to carry on a conversation with his owner, taking my attention away from Oakley, I got a reminder that my attention was desired somewhere else.

Just as Pollo used to do to me, Oakley took his left front paw, and placed it on my right arm which had been resting on my knee, similar to shaking “paws.”  I looked at Oakley and he had that huge golden grin.

Slowly my focus regained momentum, to start my day as I was intending to, one detail at a time, clear, and sharp.  I lowered Oakley’s paw back to the ground, stood up, and said goodbye to both Oakley and his owner, so that I could continue on my way.  Oakley was not ready to say goodbye, as he stayed in a seated position.  I crossed the street and looked back.  Oakley’s owner was trying to convince him it was time to move on, and Oakley was having no part of it.

Funny, Pollo had a stubbornness about him too.  Oakley was not ready to go, he wanted more attention from me.  Or perhaps he was just helping me, getting me to slow down my thoughts.  Enjoy the day.

Thank you Oakley.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
14 Jan 2015

My Mom


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I am going to do something I do not believe I have done yet, in the history of “Paul’s Heart.”  It is definitely long overdue.  This is my mother, Barbara, pictured along with my two daughters, HER granddaughters.

There is a lot of historical events between my mother and I over the years, some good… some not so good.  My mother had to work second shift to support my sister and I, which left us in the care of my grandmother during the week.  In my teen years, I occasionally had issues dealing with “step parenting” after she married to someone other than my biological father.  One quick side note, a comical one, she remarried another “Edelman”, but of absolutely no relation.  She obviously saved money on monogrammed items not having to change anything, but the most awkward event came during my first wedding, where at the reception, and the time came to introduce the groom’s family…

“Entering the room now is the groom’s family, mother of the groom Barbara Edelman, and she is escorted by her husband John Edelman.”

Of course everyone clapped.  And then this…

“Next is the father of the groom, Paul Edelman and he is accompanied by his wife Shirley.”  Wait for it… and we did.  The applause finally started about three seconds later when my bride’s extended family, and my non-family guests realized that I had stepparents.  Being a former disc jockey myself, and having done hundreds of wedding receptions, I never ran into this situation myself.  Looking back, I can still chuckle about it.

But during the second half of my life, I cannot say enough about the support that I have received and continue to receive from my mother.  It is hard enough for a parent to endure even one crisis involving their child.  She has gone from one crisis to another.  She has been there with me from my cancer diagnosis, my life-saving emergency heart bypass surgery, 2 near fatal cases of septic pneumonia, and now my second divorce.  My mother’s concern and love has never waivered.  And to be perfectly honest, also during these times she has also not been afraid to contradict my actions.  My mother believes in me, and it is not just because she is my mother.

My parents divorced when I was around 3 years of age.  And I want to state clearly, I have no idea why the divorce took place, nor do I want to know.  It is of no benefit to me, nor has it ever been.  During the process, all that mattered, was that the children were kept out of the middle of the proceedings and any aftermath.  Children were never, and should never be collateral damage.

My maternal grandmother, her sister, my uncles… I never heard anything bad about my father, nor the reason for the divorce.  My paternal grandfather, my dad’s siblings… I never heard anything bad about my mother., nor the reason for the divorce.  My sister and I were never restricted from seeing either one of our surviving grandparents or family members.

Now in my situation, it is a little more tricky, because I live so far away from my daughters.  But I do try to arrange visits with my mother and sister for my daughters.  My daughters love their cousins and want to continue seeing them.  When I do get to see my daughters, they may not always get the chance to visit with them, because my daughters must travel to visit me, and time would probably not allow a drive-by visit.

So I count on the old court adage, “do what is in the best interest of the children.”  My mother got to enjoy my daughters’ school choral concert (I wrote about the concert back in December, that I go to watch it live via Tango).  And not too long after that, my daughters go to spend the day with my mother, sister, and cousins.  Games were played, a movie watched, and enjoyed some yummy food.  They had a blast.

And that is what I want to give my mother credit for.  She knows of nearly every detail of the divorce, and continues to be impartial, while still offering me support.  There is no conversation with the girls about the divorce process.  And the only mention of me is to tell my daughters how much my mother knows that I love them.  With me living so far away, all she wants is to be able to see her granddaughters, and because my mother has not interfered with the divorce process, she has made visits successful, and about the girls.  Visits with their paternal grandmother are in the best interest of the girls.

Look, in the divorce world, it is hard enough getting the parents to work things out amicably, especially when one parent continues to drive a “dagger” through the heart of the process, a win at all costs.  But only recently are grandparents finally getting rights to see their grandchildren.  The laws are vague because of terminology, instead of using “visitation”, the courts want to use custody, which in many cases, it is not about the grandchild staying with the grandparent, but only for there to be allowed visits.  And while the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the parental rights over the grandparents (Troxel v. Granville 2000 – a 3-3 decision by the way), it was clearly a vague resolution, saying that it was never made clear through the Washington State Supreme Court that “harm” would come to the children by the grandparents being denied the right to see the children.  The decision would be left up to “fit” parents, what is in the best interest of the children.  Of course you can see how that works… with a couple divorcing or separating.

But in  Pennsylvania, the U.S. Supreme Court decision was challenged in 2006 in Hiller v. Fausey.  The case involved an 11 year-old boy whose mother died, and the father refused to let the maternal grandmother visit with the boy.  It was established that the boy had been close to his grandmother prior to the mother’s death, and thus, it was in the best interest, and decided by the court, to allow the grandmother to see her grandson.

While it was a victory, it should not come down to a court to decide what is best for a child.  But some feel it is best to go that route as if to prove something so pointless, that the actions clearly are not only not in the best interests of the child, but only self-serving for the objecting parent.

Bottom line, if forced, the courts will order what is best for the children’s interests.

Look, I loved my grandmother.

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I only wish that she would have had the chance to meet my daughters.  My girls would have loved her, and currently would have been taller than my grandmother.

But every child, when given the chance to be with their grandparents, grows a bond that has a bigger impact on a child than one can ever imagine.  And I saw this every time that my daughters visited with my mother and my sister and her family.  And it is my hope that the arrangements that we currently have, allow our daughters to have those visits.  As a courts agree, it is in the best interests of the children.

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13 Jan 2015

Just Another Reason…


We cannot argue, we would all much be better off if we ate right, exercised right, slept right, and so on.  And we all at one time or another have made excuses at to why we do not.  We blame ourselves, or we blame other sources.  The television commercials that somehow allow us to smell the mouth-watering aromas of fast food, ignoring the blatant warnings of addiction and death prior to the first cigarette, not having enough time to get out and at least take a walk because we do not want miss tonight’s award show, are all just excuses.

I am the world’s biggest hypocrite when it comes to eating healthy, getting enough exercise, and definitely getting enough rest.  I also make lots of excuses.  And that is really what they are, simply excuses.  And I hide behind a very big excuse, which should actually be a reason all the more to do something to lead me to a healthier life.

Waaaay back before I was even diagnosed with cancer, I knew that I needed to take good care of my body.  Now, notice how I wrote that, “I needed to take care”.  I did not write “I should have taken care.”  If I recall, my weight was fairly healthy at around 140 pounds, and I was in fairly good shape, constantly active playing recreational sports.  I did not eat the best, a combination of economics and taste (I wrote a post last year about being finicky like Morris the Cat).  But I knew, my family on both sides had histories of obesity, diabetes, and cardiac disease.

But then I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  One of the strangest side effects I had, was a weight gain of nearly 60 pounds, courtesy of the high doses of prednisone I took to counter some of the effects of the other chemotherapy drugs.  So, it was only natural, that I get right back on the “horse” and drop that weight.  I lost all of the weight through dedication to the gym, daily, and a very strict diet – okay, the best I could do with not liking vegetables.  The weight came off in less than half the time it took to gain.

Unfortunately, what I did not know, is that my thyroid had been reduced to basically nothing, and was barely functioning, which meant my metabolism was not working properly – this due to the radiation therapy I recieved.  You guessed it, the weight started creeping back up, and in not time, my weight had returned to the weight I promised myself I would never let happen again.  My doctor ordered me to take a synthetic drug to make my thyroid work, and ironically at the same time, told me not to expect any major weight loss (which really sounds weird since if the thyroid worked properly, which is why I was told my weight creeped up, my weight should get under control).

So over the next many years, I just went through the motions, exercising when I chose, and well, whatever… when it came to my diet.

In 2008, another bomb got dropped on me, when another more serious issue developed again because of my treatments earlier in my life.  I had to have emergency heart surgery, again due to the radiation damage.  So as I was recovering from this surgery, I was being asked to keep two things in mind, diet and exercise.  I will get to those in just a second.  My first concern was rehabilitation.  I just had my chest cracked open, which means that the surgeon went through chest muscles.  I had a laparotomy during my diagnostic stages for my Hodgkin’s, had my abdomen cut open, and received no rehab to learn to strengthen my abdomen muscles, which clearly led to many issues physically for me.

Rehab_Pt_standing

Let me tell you, I was shocked when I asked about receiving physical therapy to recover from my open heart surgery.  I knew I would have issues with the breast bone healing (due to the radiation issue), but I never expected to feel as completely fatigued as I did the first time I got to my feet.  And then of course there was the issue of dealing with my heart which was now getting the proper flow of blood which it had not been for so long.

I was told I would not need PT because I was only 42 years old.  I would be fine.  Forget that my insurance was willing to pay for it, the surgeon and cardiologist did not feel it was necessary.  Within a couple of months, I would have my care transferred to a hospital network that required me to have physical therapy, because it had been determined not only for the benefit of the heart surgery, but due to the neglect from the abdominal surgery, and the physical damage that I had received from all of my treatments, recovering from the heart surgery was amplifying many of my physical struggles.  But within no time at all, the effects of not having physical rehab following my heart surgery were obvious.  My shoulders began pulling forward, as if hunching over, because I was afraid to stretch out my tender, repaired pectoral muscles.  Issue with supporting my head, protecting against something called “drooping head syndrome” also began to accelerate from the combination of radiation damage, and the pull from my chest muscles.

I finally did get into physical therapy.  Actually, I had to repeat it three more times.  I will not get into the rehab points in this blog, they are a separate issue.  I wanted to state that I had finally gotten to a point where I was functioning again, though with restrictions ordered by the doctor, but by all means, there would be no excuses anymore for me not taking care of myself.  I needed to improve my diet, reduce my stress, and get some form of regular exercise.

healthy-meal

It has taken some time, but recent events over the last  year or so, I am finally eating smarter, not to be confused with healthier necessarily.  I am still a very picky eater.  But my portion control has been so improved from learning to cut portions in half.  It used to be that I would smother any vegetable in any condiment just to make sure I did not taste or feel the texture.  I have a ways to go with choices, but at least now I will eat vegetables.  I will not order them, yet, but if they are on my plate, I will eat them.  It is a start.

exercise-illustration

Exercise has always been tough.  Of course you get the warnings, consult your physician before… yada yada yada.  I have a lot of physical issues that have developed over the decades between my treatments, surgeries, and recoveries.  So I do have a lot of restrictions that I must adhere to, to make sure that I do not cause any more muscular damage, spinal injury, or even cause any cardiac event.  So, at 49 years of age, I will never look like Atlas.  But there is no reason, that I cannot do a simple task, walking 20 minutes every day.  And generally I do this.

I have enough strikes against me health wise – family history, my own medical diagnoses – without making anything worse.  It is in my best interest to keep my stress to low limits, give my body enough rest, exercise, not smoke, and eat properly.  To be honest, I am not sure if I would be as diligent as I am today, if it were not for the support I receive from a professional dietician keeping an eye on me, and the tremendous support I get from those closest to me.

I cannot do this alone, and knowing that, is what is making the difference this time.

 

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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