Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Side Effects”

22 Aug 2020

A Wish That Sticks Like Peanut Butter To The Roof Of Your Mouth


I know, this is probably the oddest title I have ever put on a post.  And I will be able to explain without the need of a flowchart.

I was watching the movie, “The Peanut Butter Falcon” starring Zach Gottsagen, Dakota Johnson, and Shia Labeouf.  It is a story about a young man with Down Syndrome, (Gottsagen an actor living with Down Syndrome) who has one wish, to wrestle professionally.  It is an inspirational movie, but that is not the purpose of this post.

There are other appearances in the movie by famous faces, two of which, are professional wrestlers in real life.  And not just wrestlers, but athletes that I grew up watching.  At this time, clearly these wrestlers are long past their prime in not just the movie, but real life.

And so, off on a search through Amazon and Netflix, I have been scouting as many documentaries as I can, about the many pro wrestlers I grew up watching, to see the many stories of “whatever happened to?”  One documentary led to another.  And then I stumbled across one that was not only my favorite pro wrestler, but would end up providing me with yet another role model of what I want to be remembered for, just like him, a father.

His name was Jim Hellwig.  But to his fans…

we knew him as, The Ultimate Warrior.

“WWE:  Ultimate Warrior – Always Believe” is the cliche documentary, before he became a wrestler, discovering wrestling, becoming his character, and coming around full circle in his career after struggling.

I liked many pro wrestlers, but there was just something about the Warrior, his energy, enthusiasm, and always a positive attitude, rivaling Hulk Hogan at times.

He would come running into the ring, and immediately release a ton of energy going from corner to corner, flexing his muscles, shaking the ring ropes, and just when you thought he should be exhausted, he still had a match to complete.  He was the ultimate good guy.  And then the ultimate and inevitable happened, facing the ultimate good guy had to face the incredible good guy, Hulk Hogan, leaving many torn who they would cheer for.  I liked Hogan at the time, but I definitely cheered the loudest for the Ultimate Warrior.

As time went on, as often happens, the Warrior fell out with the WWF.  In the documentary a lot of that time is covered, but the focus is on the reunion of the Warrior and the WWF, because Hellwig is finally being inducted into the WWF Wrestling Hall Of Fame.

This is the most touching part of the documentary, because it allows us to focus on what would be realized as the most important part of his life, not wrestling and fame, but his wife and his two young daughters.  In fact, instead of having female models escort him out when announced during the ceremony like the other wrestlers, he was escorted out by his two daughters.

This is where the “peanut butter” gets stuck.  You hear Hellwig proclaim how important his daughters are to him.  And you also hear from the daughters, everything their father means to them.

Tragically, or as fate would have it,  Hellwig passed away from a cardiac episode, the day after being inducted into the WWF Wrestling Hall Of Fame.  As someone who faced his own imminent cardiac event, no one is aware of how quickly something can be taken away from you, and that you have no control when it happens, than me.

The ultimate father left behind two young daughters.

During this documentary, I found myself reflecting on my health and my relationships with my daughters.  Out of the six health incidents I have had, my daughters have personally witnessed three of them.  And as I struggle with the uncertainties from my cancer treatments over thirty years ago, this suddenness weighs heavily on my mind.  And then, there is a divorce that has left us living a huge distance apart.

As I heard Hellwig’s daughters talk about all of the things that they will always remember about their father, and not just the wrestling, I wondered, have I left as important an impression on both of my daughters, that they would remember me positively.

My daughters know me for being a “voice” for those who do not have one, whether it is health related, bullying, or any other advocacy need.  They know me for being a loyal friend.  There is no doubt that they know I am willing to fight for anything, especially my health.  I believe I have set enough of a moral example for them, of how they should want to be treated and respected, and likewise returned.  My daughters will have lots of fun memories, and I know will be able to proclaim their father was a great cook.  They will be proud of the things that I have written, and will always remember how my voice sounded in song.

But the most important thing I want my daughters to be able to say, reflects on my childhood, and that is, my daughters will always be able to say, regardless of the distance between us, I never gave up on them.  I did everything I could to see them and talk to them.  I stayed involved in their lives, including their education.  I cannot say that about the relationship between my late father and I.  And the same situation applies for many other parents, fathers and mothers, who have made the decision to walk away for whatever reason.  But my daughters will never know that feeling.  I am always a part of their lives.

I will be there when they graduate High School, and likely some form of continuing education.  Should they get married, I will be the one walking them down the aisle.  I look forward to holding my own grandchildren some day.

Yes, I grew up in a “broken” home, divorced parents.  I had no role model for a father figure, other than the parents of some of my closest friends.  But every now and then, I witness something that lets me know, that I must be doing something right, because I can recognize it.

And that is what this documentary did for me, help me to see, that I have been, and am doing things right, as best as I can.  Most importantly, living and doing as if there might not be a tomorrow.

Whether as the Ultimate Warrior character or as Jim Hellwig the father, he was known for some of his most wise thoughts.

“You must show no mercy…nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you…for your greatness will silence them all.”

“The most awesome thing I will ever do, is be your father.”

Like I said, the character of the Ultimate Warrior was my favorite, but he was such an inspiration and example of what a father should be, and how one should be remembered.  I want my daughters to be able to reflect on me similarly, but without the face paint and bulging muscles.

Finally, though not having to do with the Ultimate Warrior, but as I was going through these wrestling documentaries, it was during “The Resurrection of Jake The Snake”, another wrestler, and played a wrestling role in the “Peanut Butter Falcon,” that former wrestler Diamond Dallas Page, who played a pivotal return in Jake “the Snake” Robert’s recovery efforts, DDP spoke profoundly the following quotes that I want to share, and well, this post was perfect to include them on:

“The power you give yourself, by believing in you.”  And, “never underestimate the power you give someone by believing in them.”

See Mom?  Pro Wrestling ain’t all bad.  Sometimes some good comes out of it.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
21 Aug 2020

An Odd Comparison Between Cancer And Covid19


Back from “stay-cation.”  Unable to go anywhere because for some reason, we are still dealing with Covid19, with no end in sight, I simply stepped away from my laptop and my smartphone to avoid any kind of headlines, fairly certain things were not going to be changing anytime soon.  Of course, without flipping my laptop open, that meant no writing.

One of the “prompts” that I had in my mind to write once I dusted off my keyboard, actually was an expansion of a topic that I wrote about some time ago, in reference to the belief at one time, that cancer was contagious.  As I often do, I am going to preface this post, that I do not want the post to reflect a political lean, and will do my best to keep it from going there.  Honestly, it may not be possible.  At the end, I think you will understand why.

Speaking only of myself, in 1988, I knew of no one who had survived except for two family members.  I knew of no one outside of my family, including friends and their families who may have had cancer.  Those battling cancer today may not understand this, because of having social media.

When the news broke at work that I was diagnosed with cancer, the immediate impression I felt from everyone, was that of impending death.  Everyone dies of cancer.  And now 50 people actually learned of their first known instance of someone with cancer, quite possibly.

From diagnosis to final treatment, I spent nearly eighteen months mostly isolated.  Sure, I went to work, but co-workers avoided me.  At home, I had no visitors.  For eighteen months.

Through my years of survivorship, I have learned a lot about cancer, and the many psychological effects over the decades, and in the past, even before my time.  It turns out, there was a lot more about cancer to learn besides the fact that not everyone dies from cancer.  One big myth that existed at least  up until my diagnosis, was that cancer was contagious.

That’s right, there was actually a belief that cancer was contagious, and that was without social media to spread that untruth.  But by the same token, social media was not there to correct it either.  It was one thing for those not in my family to be afraid of “catching cancer” from me, which cancer has the potential to be fatal, but this also occurred with some in my family as well, including my newlywed wife (#1).

She never talked about it, but I could sense it.  She was afraid that she could catch cancer from me.  But I could also tell, she was worried about being “poisoned” from my treatments, especially during any times of intimacy.

This is the way people thought back then.  A deadly disease, not contagious, caused people to avoid those who had it for their “safety.”

Now, here it comes.  The year 2020, over 30 years since my cancer, Covid19.  A deadly virus (approaching 180,000 deaths in the US as of this post), highly contagious.

Unlike my time back with cancer, where you were fortunate that cancer was ever spoken in your circles, today, odds are pretty good that nearly everyone knows of at least one person who has been diagnosed with Covid19, or worse, has died from Covid19.  Personally speaking, my statistics with knowledge of personal Covid19 cases is much lower than my world of cancer, but it has led me to go “hmmm” in deep thought.

With my cancer, not contagious, people avoided me.  They could not catch it from me, but they avoided me nonetheless.

With Covid19, highly contagious, we have two different types of thought, prevent or deny.  And this is where it gets confusing to me.  I am a big science and fact guy, because of my health history.  I have been through several other potential contagious health crisis, but none as severe as Covid19.  But we have the warnings and advice.  All we need to do is follow it.  That is the school of thought when it comes to prevent getting Covid19.

But what makes someone go to the extreme of not just denying the existence of Covid19, but to actually fight efforts to prevent or protect?

When we had a disease that was not contagious, but deadly, people acted.

When we have a disease that is contagious, and deadly, we have too many that either just do not care or deny.

I said I was not going to get political, and I have done my best to prevent that position, but it really is the only reasoning I can come up with.  Initially, when the news of Covid19 broke, it appeared an opportunity to criticize the president, which clearly his supporters objected to.  And to be fair, although I do not approve of the president, he did not cause the virus.  But that still should not be a reason for rational and intelligent human beings recognizing the severity and danger of the coming pandemic.

But as the pandemic got worse, and again, being fair, I myself expected more out of any president, in a response to preparations for the pandemic, which six months later we still do not have, the criticism, now deserved, has only entrenched the president’s supporters and their efforts to protect him, even if it means denying their own safety, or their respect for the safety of others.

There are so many shiny objects and conspiracy theories flying around now, making this even more of a dangerous time, because it now risks being able to bring an end to this pandemic.  We know the advice, and that is what it is, advice, what we can do voluntarily, but those who deny, see this advice as a “conformity” or “sacrifice of freedom and liberty.”  I can only imagine how it would have played out decades ago with cancer, when we were told to eat healthier to prevent cancer or quit smoking.

Like I said, not trying to be political about this.  Just from a psychological standpoint, trying to figure out how our thinking about a deadly virus, contagious or not, can have such a different and expected response.  It makes absolutely no sense to me, that dozens of people are willing to cram a music club or party, ignoring the recommendations, just to prove you can, and to prove others wrong.  I personally know of two people who ended up having to eat their words as they contracted the virus themselves.

The advice given will work.  We can function as a society.  The alternative, accepting a death toll as “it is what it is,” is not acceptable to me, anymore than someone dying from cancer.  It is not what it is, especially when it can be prevented.

I wish for everyone reading this, good health, stay healthy, stay smart.

Posted in Cancer, Education, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
22 Jul 2020

You Were Always There For Me


Well, this story was not supposed to take this long to come out, but as the organization that was supposed to publish it, got delayed because of Covid19, I have decided not to wait any longer.

So, this is a project that I do every year.  It is a short story piece that I write and submit for publishing.  This year I had decided to write about experiences with my late fur friend, but from his point of view.  I hope you enjoy it.

I want to thank fellow long term cancer survivor and author Lara Vaughan Lazenby for her help with this story.

 

You Were Always There For Me

Hi there.  My name is Pollo, pronounced like the cologne, but spelled like Spanish chicken.  I do not know why I was given that name.  But hearing it has always made me happy, and I heard my name a lot.

Paul always seemed to know what I liked, and what was best for me.  In fact, I knew I could always count on Paul.  There was this one time he took me swimming, because I really liked the water.  I was a really good swimmer too!  I think I had fun because all I remember of that day is one moment I was splashing away, and the next, I was running from this other person wearing a white coat, towards Paul.  His eyes were leaking.  I did not understand this.

Fortunately, I would remember everything else as I got older.  Like this one time, Paul went out the front door, but did not come back in, for six lights and darks.  This was unusual, because Paul never went anywhere without me.  We were buddies.  When he finally came home, I was so happy.  And I let him know it too.  My tail wagged so hard and fast, it knocked everything over within reach.

But there was something odd about Paul.  He did not seem like himself.  He actually smelled kind of funny.  I have never experienced that smell before – not from the house, the car, outside – very unusual.

Paul was happy to see me too, though he could have been a bit more excited.  Something was different about him.  When he would feel better, we could get back to normal and play.  In the meantime, I just sat beside him, stared up at him, with my head on his knee.  He had always taken care of me.  It was my turn to take care of him.

Another situation would happen again, only this time, strange men came into our house, woke us up, and then took Paul away on a bed with wheels.  It would be days before I would see him again, and he came home with that same odor.  I did not like that smell.

I could not understand why this kept happening to him.  We liked to play and have fun.  I missed that.  From what I could comprehend, Paul was sick a long time ago, and these events that kept happening to him were because of that.  The important thing… he kept coming back home.

And it was a good thing.  Because I found myself needing attention too.  Being a golden retriever, I loved to eat… everything.  This one time, I found this thing in the ground.  It was so yummy, but soon after, my head started feeling funny.  Then my stomach.  Paul had to take me back to those people with the white coats again.  And just like Paul, I came home.  Every time.  You see, I kept on doing it.  They were so yummy.

We both got older, although I feel like I got older more quickly.  Of course, my backyard habit did not help every time I ate those things.  Paul and I hung around the house a lot more than we used to.  I guess we each had our own reason.  I was happy to just sit next to him, or on him, and have him scratch my ears.  I really loved that.

We kept taking turns going away.  Paul seemed to do it a lot more, but he always came home to me.  He needed me.  He could depend on me.  And I could depend on him.

There came a time when things got really quiet in our house.  It was also more dark inside the house and outside.  Paul turned on lights making it brighter for him, but the funny thing was, it did not get brighter for me.  I could not get up the stairs anymore, so Paul made sure I had a comfy place to sleep downstairs not just occasionally, but all the time!  He always took great care of me.

One morning, Paul came downstairs right on time to let me outside.  He caught me by surprise, but I knew it was him.  I could feel it.  I stood up, stretched.  He opened up the door.  But I did not move.  I could not.  Just then, I felt myself being lifted… but in such a way that I felt as if I was being tightly hugged.  I could not see him, hear him, or smell him.  But I knew it was Paul.  We always took care of each other.  He always knew what to do.  I liked when he hugged me so tight.  But all I wanted to do now, was run again.  Now I can.  Paul made sure of that, just like he promised.

Posted in Animals, Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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