Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Education”

Jeff’s Take


 

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I first met Jeff Iredell a little over a year ago.  A fellow lymphoma survivor, though he had non-Hodgkin’s and I had Hodgkin’s, lymphoma is lymphoma as far as we are concerned.  He was holding a special recognition that evening, and a local golf course was honoring those who had battled lymphoma by lighting up their property in green, the “recognized” symbolic color for lymphoma.

To me, Jeff is a perfect example of someone whose life was so impacted by his illness, that he wanted to make a difference in the fight for others.  As he will explain in his story, he works with the Lymphoma Research Foundation, something that as a fellow survivor, I appreciate all help we can get with a cancer that gets very little recognition or support for a cure.  I have enjoyed watching Jeff recover from his lymphoma over the years when I first discovered him on a Lymphoma Facebook page.

I asked Jeff to tell his story on “Paul’s Heart.

Jeff’s Take

“It was just after Labor Day in 2011, September 9th to be exact.  I had been divorced for about 2 ½ years at that point and just starting to get out of my funk and get back to living life.  I hadn’t realized how co-dependant I had become and was pretty unhappy with life. Then the moment that would change my life forever happened.

Long story short, I had developed a blood clot in my lung, the CT scan also showed an enlarged spleen and enlarged lymph nodes. The doctors ordered a biopsy, PET/CT, etc. and then the cancer bomb hit. The doctor performing the CVIR biopsy said, “Usually when I go in to get this, it’s a form of lymphoma”.  Like many others, unless you have had it or know someone with it, you probably didn’t know what that is or that it’s even a form of cancer.  So of course I drove myself crazy once I got back to my room looking up everything I could find. My first piece of advice-avoid random sources, stick with a renowned sources, there is a mountain of misinformation out there.

When the oncologist sat me down to tell me the type, treatment options, statistics, all of it, I took it all in like sponge. I was diagnosed with Stage 4b Diffuse Large B-Cell non-Hodgkin Lymphoma (DLBC-NHL). DLBC is the most common form of NHL in adults and I was on the lower end of the age scale for this particular form.   Lymphoma is a blood cancer that causes abnormally fast growth in the lymphocytes (white blood cells) and typically appears in lymph nodes, bone marrow, the spleen and sometimes other organs. My particular staging indicated I had tumors both above and below the diaphragm and at least two other body systems, in my case, my bone marrow and spleen. I also had tumors on the humerus on my left arm and on one of my vertebrae.

I remember this moment, the day my attitude on life change for good, as if it was yesterday.  He asked, “Are you okay?  It’s a lot of stuff I just threw at you, I know it seems overwhelming, but….” I stopped him in his tracks and replied, “I’m great, forget how we got here, what are we gonna do to kick it’s ass in time for golf season?” He chuckled, shook his head and away we went I never had that “woe is me” moment and reflecting back, that was soooooo not the old me.

Treatment called for 8 rounds of R-CHOP chemotherapy (one every 3 weeks) and 4 rounds intrathecal chemotherapy. Intrathecal is simply a spinal tap where the fluid that is removed is replaced with a small dose of chemo. Traditional chemo cannot pass through what is called the ‘blood-brain barrier’. It’s our body’s natural defense to keep bad things out of the cranial and spinal fluid. Mine was done as a precaution with the tumor on my spine.

Forget what you have seen in movies regarding chemo. Long gone are the days of sitting on a bathroom floor and being sick with nausea all day. The anti-nausea meds have come a long way as have the treatments themselves in being less toxic. I got ill exactly one time and that was on my way home from the pharmacy picking up those same meds because I forgot to refill earlier. That doesn’t mean there aren’t side effects. The fatigue is extreme. I did find that walking on a treadmill for just 30-45 minutes a day did help with that. Then there was the constipation/diarrhea conundrum, you were never sure which was going to rule this treatment cycle. The worst was the Prednisone. You may have taken for allergies or skin irritations, but I was taking 6 times that amount daily for 5 days each cycle. It has healing properties, but is mostly in the mix to help appetite and keep energy levels up. The mood swings, sleeplessness, hot flashes, it was the worst.

All that being said, I weathered the storm pretty darn well. I think much of it was because of positive attitude and really getting involved in the lymphoma community. It was in November of 2011, I connected with another remarkable lymphoma warrior, Megan.  We “met” on our lymphoma support board on Facebook.   We only live 30 minutes from each other and despite having different forms and being separated by 20 years of age, we became quick friends.   We discussed everything regarding our treatments, the gross details we all want to discuss with someone, but may not have that person around to understand what we are going through. This was the beginning of me networking with other lymphoma warriors. They became my new family or as I now refer to them, “lymphamily”.  I came to know many of them better than some of my closest friends despite never meeting them in person.

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I realized that for the first time in many, many years, despite battling lymphoma, I was happy.  I had a whole new group of friends, ones who didn’t care what you looked like, what you could do for them, what your job was, any of the usual drama.  All we cared about was trying to help each other cope, lend support, and get each other back to being healthy again. The support I try to give on a daily basis is fulfilling beyond reason. Then there are some big moments that I receive far more than I give, although my counterparts may argue the same in their favor.

On July 1st, 2012, Megan and I finally met in person at our Lymphomathon team fund raiser. Certainly this was a moment of joy as we had both just finished treatment 2 months earlier. The next day Megan found out she already had a recurrence of her Hodgkin’.  She still had a long battle still ahead, yet by the end of the day we had filmed a spot for her now famous video and went to dinner. Despite the news earlier in the day, at that moment in time, we were happy. In September, one year after my diagnosis, we walked together at Lymphomathon (A 5K walk in support of the Lymphoma Research Foundation or LRF), in lock step with other warriors, several of whom recognized Megan from the video. And I was happy.

In December of 2012 another fellow warrior from the lymphoma board, Tina, travelled down from New Brunswick, Canada. I flew into Providence to meet her and together we were off to surprise another warrior living in the Boston area, Erica, to lend support as she was heading towards her stem cell transplant.  None of us had ever met, but you would have never know it if you saw us together. And we were happy.

In February of 2013, I went to a meet and greet held by the local chapter of LRF. At that time, I agreed to be on the 2013 walk committee, 5 months later, I was chapter co-president. Fast forward to today and I am on the regional council, helping wherever I can. It’s very rewarding volunteer work, although I would classify it as a labor of love.

Here we are, it’s November of 2014, and I have an awesome lymphamily, some still battling as I type this and the group grows all the time.  I am only 2 1/2 years in remission with the specter of a possible recurrence one day still fresh in my head.  I am still paying off medical bills on a payment plan, my meager life savings spent on treatments. Most of my life has found its ‘new normal’. I do what I want, when I want, no putting it off until tomorrow. My doctor visits are getting further and further apart. And I am happy.

My last piece of advice- don’t rush back into life, you need to listen to your body and work it back in slowly.

The support bracelets I bought right after diagnosis are inscribed with “No One Fights Alone”.  To me, it’s not just a saying, it’s a way of life.  I feel it’s whom I was meant to be and what I was meant to do. I have taken far more from lymphoma than lymphoma has ever taken from me. I don’t sweat the little things anymore.  I stop to smell the flowers, admire the sunsets, and I stop to feel the rain pound on my face.  I still have a dislike for shoveling snow, but hey, that falls under the “little things” category.

One day, a cure will be found for lymphoma, but until that time, I have lymphoma, and I’m happy.”

Jeff

And So It Happens


I believe the best relationships, and friendships for that matter, occur when you do not even try to find them.  As the saying goes, “when you least expect it…”.  And so it happened for me.

Now as one friend likes to tell the story, Josephine and I “met” on Facebook.  I am not going to make fun of anyone who has met and developed a relationship on Facebook, Match.com, Plenty of Fish, or whatever internet dating site.  As I mentioned yesterday, I am not interested in any kind of internet dating, blind dating.  I would prefer to meet someone, or develop a relationship with a natural progression, let it just happen.  Let someone come into my life, and find out about the many issues, and baggage that I deal with on a daily basis.  If I present myself in a way, that lets someone know that I am not going to draw them into my drama, which is different than being supportive of someone during their drama, then at the very least, I will have found and made a very good friend.  And if anything were to develop beyond that, at least it was something that was allowed to develop naturally.  That is just me.  That is how I want a relationship.

And that is the way things have worked so far for Josephine and I.

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Josephine is going to be a familiar name on “Paul’s Heart” because I first actually introduced her with the story, “Meet Michael”.  That story is posted in the archives in September as well as a page on this site.  I met Josephine through her son, Michael.

Michael had just been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, at the age of 23.  Just one of several coincidences that he and I shared.  Another, our birthdays are just one day apart.  As many cancer patients are prone to do upon the diagnosis of cancer, he reached out to the internet for support and information about the road that he was going to be travelling down.  A friend of his family was aware of a Lymphoma Facebook page.  Michael was drawn to the number of posts of information that I was contributing.

Eventually, Michael would “friend” me as would his mother for more personal support with his own diagnosis and treatment.  They would ask questions about testing, ask for help to interpret results, and more importantly, how to react to side effects whether they were minor or major.  In 24 years, I have only witnessed such strong familial support rarely.  And just as rare, the courage and strength of someone to get through such a life threatening battle.

Over time, Michael would learn a lot about my history as well, and soon, he would make comments that he too “was a survivor” even before he finished his last treatment.  It was during his last two treatments, that through technology, Facetime, he would invite me along to his final chemo treatments.  It was during this time, unbeknownst to me, that invitation would end up preparing me for the day I would set foot inside of a chemotherapy suite for the first time in 25 years as I cared for my father.  But through that screen, as I had seen him in his home, more than a thousand miles away, I would see him in his chemo chair, eating pizza, seeing the bright and decorative background behind him, and his mother and father by his side.  This was definitely not the way I remembered my days in the chemo suite.

In the meantime, I had been looking to take “Paul’s Heart” to the next level, in book form.  I have been doing public speaking as a cancer advocate for as long as I have been a survivor and with my 25th anniversary coming up in two years, I wanted to lay the ground work for a national speaking tour, combined with publishing the book on my survival.

Josephine knew that I was interested in pursuing this direction, and offered to help me.  It was her gratitude for supporting Michael and their family.  The area where they live would be an excellent area to network and possibly find financial support for my two projects.  Coincidently, there was going to be a breast cancer fundraiser there that would be a great starting point to develop this support.  But this would end up being more than just a networking opportunity.  I had arranged with Josephine, to meet her son who was as much an inspiration to me for his courage during his battle, as I was to him for longevity since my diagnosis.

I spent the weekend getting to know Michael and his family.

But shortly after that visit, things went horribly wrong for Michael.  His treatment had caused a terminal condition with his young heart.

Again, I would be leaned on for support, emotionally and technically.  Admittedly this would go beyond anything I had ever witnessed as a patient or survivor.  But all of them, mother, father, sister, extended family, and friends, all needed help and hope for Michael.

All the while, I was going through my own issues at home.  I was in the middle of my divorce.  My dog’s health was failing.  And my father’s health was also ailing.  But one of my biggest flaws is that I always put the needs of others before myself, no matter what.  And this was no exception.

Michael passed away just after the new year, just shortly after turning 24 years old.  My father passed away this past May.

There were other circumstances that contributed to the one of the biggest decisions in my life at that point.  But as I often make my decisions based on familiarity, as well as support, I made a decision to relocate.  And it was that natural progression, that has led to something more than just a friendship.  We do not necessarily have an official name for it, because we both have been clear that we are not interested in getting married, ever again, both of us having dealt with difficult divorces.

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But in Josephine, I have found more than just a friend.  And it has happened naturally.  As I wrote yesterday, if I were actively pursuing a relationship, at what point would I have the discussion that I had cancer, and all of the other medical issues I have to live with?  And after all this time, and in spite of the circumstances, knowing everything about me health wise, and experiencing what her son went through, we have gone beyond being friends.

In each other, we have found unwavering support, as she and her former husband deal with the daily struggles with the loss of their son.  Josephine gives me daily encouragement as I begin to rebuild my life, a better life that I want to build for my daughters.  In spite of the fears from her son’s death, she courageously supports and encourages a healthy living for me, through diet and exercise, that in spite of all the health issues I deal with, I am going to live a long life if she has anything to say about it.

What is happening between Josephine and I is a lot more complicated that just having “met on Facebook.”  But however you want to say it, what we have between each other has happened part in fate, but also because neither of us were looking for anything or anyone.  Where ever we end up though, I owe the most thanks to the one person I cannot do so anymore, and that is her son, Michael.

Josephine is not only a beautiful woman, but has a beautiful heart, a kind heart.  She is a friend to every one she meets, no matter age, no matter any difference.

My children got to meet Josephine this past summer when they came to visit me, and they adore her.  Josephine adores them as well.

My ex has rekindled an old relationship and is happy as well, and the girls have met him also, and like him.

And so you have it, it happens.  People get divorced, and move on  to hopefully better times which is best for all involved.

 

 

From The Beginning… Again


There comes a time in every cancer survivor’s life (and perhaps even during a cancer patient’s life – though admittedly they probably have more important things on their minds), if they happen to be single or not married, when a decision is made to start dating.

Dating is hard enough, with pressures of personalities, interests, social circles, and everything else just to come to a conclusion if there is going to be any chemistry between the two, or possibly any future.  As if things were not hard enough, imagine being in the position of having to tell someone you are interested in, that you had cancer.

We often make light of just how fast a relationship develops into the physical aspect, and of course the emotional aspect, but just when is the right time to tell someone you had cancer?  Or in many cases, even more serious issues.

Dating certainly has changed over the decades since I was last “single”.  My two marriages were back to back.  There was no “Match.com” and I detested blind dates.  For me it was simple, I would get up the courage to ask someone out who I was already familiar with.  Of course, my first marriage, I was diagnosed with my cancer before we got married, so ex #1 had to deal with the cancer issue directly.  But as my first marriage ended, I began dating ex #2, who had already known that I had a cancer history, so there was no need to discuss it.  She had known me long enough to know that the only thing that would be an issue from my cancer, was that chemo had left me infertile, unable to bear biological children.

But unlike past relationships that had ended, I was in no hurry to develop any new relationship.  If I am being honest, I have no intentions of ever getting married again after the way my second marriage is ending.  This is unusual for me, because historically, it has always been my nature to start dating right away, and developing a serious relationship.  I had gone further with ex #2 than anyone in my life with feelings, development of family, and support during the toughest of times.  But the acts of betrayal that we both perceive in the failure of our marriage have hardened my heart from every wanting to unite in marriage with anyone ever again.  If I was ever to get serious with someone ever again, I will only allow our relationship to be simple enough, that if it ends, the collateral damage is reduced to near minimal.

So here I am, single, not necessarily looking to date, just looking to build my life socially which had been destroyed through the dissolution of my marriage.  To rebuild my friendships, and build new ones, it would mean that I would once again, have to explain my story, my health story in particular.  As you can read anywhere on “Paul’s Heart”, it is quite complicated, and can be quite demanding.  To accept me into a life, is not an easy decision.  For those who only want to see “positive” messages from me, I can do that.  But the reality is, there unfortunately is going to be a lot of “negative” as well.  But it is my hope that there is hope taken from the “negative” messages.

Dating was going to be another story, now that I felt I was ready to try again.  In all the romantic movies, relationships grow smoothly and according to scripts.  And they all have scenes of each other staring into each others eyes, mushy and silly conversations over dinner.  But when do you drop a bomb on a perspective date, “I had cancer.  But not only that, the treatments I went through are slowly destroying my body.  I have had heart surgery, have lung issues, spine issues, muscle issues, immunity issues, GI issues, oh, and yes, emotionally I have an issue with surviving all of them.”  Reading that last sentence, you would agree, I am quite a catch.  But not in a good way.

The complicated thing is though, I do not have to tell anyone this.  If you look at me, and without knowing anything about me, no one would ever know the train wreck that is my body.

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I can date, and date, and date, and no one would ever have to know.  Of course, if things progressed, I would certainly have a lot of explaining to do.  I have two six inch scars on my chest and abdomen, clear evidence that I had been through something traumatic.  And needless to say, once my shirt was removed, the conversation would ensue, and that would be it for the mood, and probably any future because I had not brought it up sooner.

Just as life often goes, things often happen to you when you least expect them to, a job, a house, friends, or even someone special.  You are always going to be your most comfortable, in your own environment, and amongst the people that you already know.  And they will know you well enough.

But for the first time in my life, being truly single, and with no intentions of ever wanting to be married again, I met someone who at least has opened my heart again.  Neither of us have any intention of getting married ever again, and that is actually a good thing.  Because it is going to allow us to be who we are, without having to change or concede who we are.  And this is going to be a new beginning… again.

To be continued… next post.

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