Was It “Worth It?”
It is always bittersweet for me when I share this type of announcement. I made it clear when I completed my treatments for cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I wanted to do what I could, to show others, that they could do it also. And from day one, that is exactly what I have done.
And in 1982, never did I think as I was the sole participant for an American Heart Association fundraiser as a senior in high school, a few years before my cancer diagnosis, that I myself would become a cardiac survivor more than twenty-five years later, a situation actually caused by my cancer treatments.
Being a survivor of even just one of these medical crisis is reason enough to celebrate, but to face two different medical challenges is a whole other level.
Like I said, my longevity is bittersweet, because as amazing as it is to have survived this long after both cancer and cardiac events, there are so many other survivors of both, who came into my life, and are no longer here. This, is what I struggle with, my “survivor’s guilt.” I do not feel guilty for my surviving either of cancer or cardiac issues, not at all. But I feel guilty that so many others have not. There is no rhyme or reason for who continues on and who does not, even if we underwent similar treatments or procedures, does not guarantee us longevity. There is no answer to “why them, not me?”
I know so many long term survivors of the cancer that I faced personally, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma that are with me today. And they are an inspiration to me, as many are now 40 and 50 years into their survivorship. As they are an inspiration to me, at 37 years of cancer survivorship, I want to be that inspiration to others behind me. That is why I still celebrate my survivorship, as uncomfortable as it makes me feel.
But as each year passes, adding to my longevity, that means more milestones that I will get to experience. Next week, I will experience two this week, as my younger daughter celebrates her 21st birthday today, both of my daughters officially over the age of 21, and my older daughter will be the first of two college graduations I will get to witness within a year of each other.
I want to be clear, when the day comes, my daughter’s graduation will not be about me, my milestones, or my survivorship. Her graduation day is 100% about her, her choice of school, her efforts to complete her schoolwork and projects, and getting up on that stage to get her degree that she worked so hard for. I am so excited for her, so proud of her, and we will celebrate this momentous occasion for her.
So before I can get to that point, I need to release my survivorship issues in regard to this milestone. Because it is a milestone for me to still be here to witness my daughter graduate from college. Even back in my days when I was battling cancer, I was often told by my therapist, that I did not take seriously, the toxic severity of what I was dealing with when it came to my treatments. And there were multiple times that I was in critical condition from various medical events. Have I earned this opportunity to be celebratory? Absolutely. But as always, my heart is also heavy for those who have passed on.
I have many parents in my life, while I know they are happy for my daughter, and all the things I have gotten to experience with my daughters over the years, I know their hearts carry a heaviness that never goes away, having lost their child, never to have a memory like this. Again, I truly believe those in my life in this situation are happy for me, and want me celebrate, and will congratulate all around. I just need them to know they are in my thoughts as they remember their loved ones.
And then there are the thousands of survivors that I have come across in my survivorship. Yes, thousands, literally from all over the world. Of my original “core 4”, those who were treated and I knew around the same time frame, only two of us are left. And there are over a hundred more over the decades that I have had to say goodbye to, due to complications of their survivorship, or some other spontaneous event. I know those who have gone on, if they were here, would be joining my other fellow survivors in cheering on my daughter. We truly appreciate how much everything can turn on a dime, and be gone just like that. And against all odds, starting with the original health crisis, a battle with cancer, I am still here to watch my daughter receive her degree.
My life has not been all about cancer. Sure, I have done what I can to advocate for patients and survivors. But my biggest role has been “girl dad.” My daughters laugh at all the photos I have taken over the years of them, but who do they call when they need a photo from a certain time doing a certain activity? This guy. I love going through the thousands of photos over the last twenty years, remembering how they got to this moment.
But this week, the moment needs to belong to my oldest daughter, not me. And I will do all that I can to make sure that happens.
Paul's Heart 