Paul's Heart

“All” Is A Distraction

These are such stressful days.  I am going to do my best not to make this a political post.  Because at this point, our leaders in politics are not helping, AT ALL!  This really falls upon each and every one of us, to make the difference, to take the steps toward recognizing that all lives really do matter.  And I did not put that phrase in quotes, because it does not need to be quoted.  It should be a way of life.  And while we can say it, while we can live it, we need to have everyone understand why we are not at that place right now.

Now, I need to stay in my lane here.  I am not black of skin color.  So I cannot even begin to know how many, if not all, are feeling right now with all the violence being inflicted upon them, unnecessarily, and all too often, fatally.  I have many friends of all colors, the majority of those colors being black.  Again, I am going to stay in my lane.  I know what I have seen, heard, and read.  I have made my mind up on my own, not what media or groups want me to see and believe.  All lives do matter, again not in quotes.  But that also means that has to include black lives.  And as long as our society stays complicit in its tolerance of racism and white nationalism, too many are willing to express all lives matter, but they actually mean “except blacks.”

Before I go any further, I am going to get into a lane that I know all too well, and this will help me to explain and prove my point mentioned above.

All cancers matter.  Of course they do.  But there is one organization that will tell you that all cancers matter, but if you get specific about a certain type, like mine, you would find yourself disappointed to find out, that your type of cancer, or in my case, Hodgkn’s Lymphoma, does not matter enough to be included in their mission.

I learned this reality several years back.  Being a cancer advocate for thirty years, it was just something that I took for granted.  But several years ago, I discovered only certain majorities of cancer mattered to their organization:  breast, colon, and lung, the big three.  Of course, that led me to the Leukemia Lymphoma Society, because they represented my type of cancer specifically.  But now, I found myself, being pulled in two different directions.  Of course I cared about other cancers.  I had five other family members die from cancer, one of those had two different types of cancer, and another had a relapse.  But I also needed to focus on the organization that I relied upon for my cancer, especially realizing that I was not going to get any support I needed for my Hodgkin’s.

All cancers do matter.  I know that.  But it is not only understandable, but okay, for my cancer to matter more to me.  Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a rare cancer, but I need you to know it matters just as much as all of the others.  But you will never know about my struggles if all you hear is “all cancers matter.”  I need to make you aware of the cancer that I deal with.  That is why, “Hodgkin’s Lymphoma matters.”  That statement does not take away from the needs of the other cancers.  It is an awareness.  And that awareness would get lost if it were not announced by itself.

So there are all kinds of cancer movements or specific activities, Relay For Life (all cancers… sort of), Light The Night (for Lymphoma and blood cancers), Making Strides (breast cancer).  But as a cancer patient and survivor, you will never hear one of us at any of these events, protesting about an “all inclusive” demand to be recognized.  We know what and who we are participating for and with at these events.

Which brings me back to “Black Lives Matter.”  No one can deny that “all” lives matter.  We are human beings, whether with religious beliefs or not.  But right now, there is just something so awful going on in our society, and in my short lifetime, I have been witness to too many horrific incidents against black lives.  And I have seen all too often the aftermath as the black population tried to bring awareness by themselves, only to be misrepresented in history as thugs and destructive vandals.  And currently, because of our current leadership, politics now plays a role in this “disease”, and that is exactly what it is, because by making all of us aware of blatant racism, it is somehow perceived that it is an attack on that leadership, which of course brings out all of the other “lives matter” mantras, in hopes of drowning out the “Black Live Matter” cause, a shiny object if you will, a distraction.

I do not know what it is like for a black person to be approached by a police officer, even if the officer is just being friendly, just to say “good afternoon.”  I am starting to see it now, with one particular incident standing out way before the murder of George Floyd.  His name was Walter Scott.  He was pulled over for a traffic violation.  But as he had a concern about law enforcement, he made the decision once he got out of his car, to run.  Unarmed, he was shot in the back by an officer claiming self defense.  This scene plays out too many times, yes, most recently with the murder of George Floyd, and already more have occurred.

I support the Black Lives Matter movement.  Any other reference to them other than a peaceful protest is nothing more than a dog-whistle distraction to call out antagonists to commit acts that would dishonor the intentions of the BLM movement.  There is a big difference between a peaceful protester and a looter/rioter.  They are not the same.  The first amendment guarantees the right to peacefully assemble and protest.  It says nothing about restricting or defining what a peaceful protest is.  It cannot be helped if you do not like the language, the message, or the volume.  Those things make no difference in making it a peaceful protest.  And I do believe everyone matters.  But right now, this is their cause.  I do not know what my black friends are going through, but I understand it.  And I support it what they are doing.  And hopefully different than what I witnessed in 1992 with the LA riots following the Rodney King injustice of the five cops being acquitted of brutality which was witnessed by the world, I am hoping this finally brings the changes necessary to make sure that everyone matters.

When You Want To Help

Many years ago, I worked for a major corporation.  Inside this location, several “community outreach” activities took place several times a year.  One of those, was a blood drive.  Having several thousand employees, it was a major donation drive, made even more popular because donors were often given “gifts” for giving the gift of their blood.  I would see some of my co-workers come back with some major swag from windbreaker jackets to coolers, all kinds of things.

But that was all I got to do as far as blood drives went, look.  As a cancer survivor, I am ineligible to donate blood because of the my blood being compromised from my radiation and chemotherapy treatments, even though they were over thirty years ago.  I understood the rules for donating blood and why they were in place, but when I asked if there was any way that I could help, to make a difference, that I might be able to get some of that fine merchandise, I was told “no.”

As an advocate, I was kind of taken back by the short response.  I know, you have blood donors, you have the phlebotomists, and of course the other staff of blood banks.  But do you mean to tell me, you have no need for any other help with such a critical effort?

If you follow this blog, you know my role as an advocate.  You also know that I can be determined when I hit a stumbling block when I try to help one way and I cannot.  I find another.

With my health issues, my days of participating in actual protests are long over, though if it were not for Covid19, I would likely find it hard to not want to stand by, supporting efforts against police brutality and racism.  But unlike my efforts, there are ways that I can still make a difference in these intense times for racial equality.

Back in 2009, as my older daughter was about to begin elementary education, there was turmoil in our school district.  The school board at that time, filled with bullies, had taken their negotiations public, humiliating the teachers union.  Again, if you know me, I do not tolerate bullies, and there were nine of them sitting on that board.  I attended only one school board meeting to protest the way the school board representatives were conducting themselves, and faced accusations of being disingenuous and unscrupulous.  Such big words to be used against one solitary citizen making comments during the public commentary of the meeting.

And with that, I made a decision to campaign for school board.  I never even ran for any position in student government.  But I soon found out, that unlike my fear of the anonymity I had in school would prevent my likely election, my skills as an advocate, and accompanied by four other strong candidates, soon found ourselves in a position to finally break a stronghold in our school district for decades.

I had no experience.  But I had a desire to make a difference.  I am all about treating people with respect.  Regardless of my feelings for or against the teachers at the original time, I did not like the way they were being treated, especially publicly.  And soon, not only did I receive recognition from my well educated and experienced running mates for my ideas, our adversaries soon found out, not only how resourceful we were, able to discover “behind closed door” activities, but with our lack of being politicians, we did not make decisions as politicians and they did not know how to prepare for us, or deal with us.

We lost that first attempt, barely.  Four of us lost by less than 300 votes, two less than 200 votes, and one actually lost by a few dozen.  The end of the night, of course none of us were sitting on the school board, but we did “win” the battle.  We made a difference because we got recognized.  A simple concept, people not getting out to vote, even just 300 more in a district of 60,000 voters, was all it would have taken.

So, we kept trying.  Two of our slate got elected that next election, and a third finally not only got elected the following election, but was voted as school board president.  Today, the entire board from 2009 has been replaced.

My last thirty years, and as many as I have left, I have always been, and always will be an advocate for as many causes as I can:  cancer, adoption, long term cancer survivorship, discrimination, parental rights and the list goes on.  I do what I can, when I can, as my energy allows.  I have my physical limits but I find ways to help in other ways.

Looking back, perhaps my motivation may have been wrong with the blood bank.  Because I have been able to make more of a difference when appreciation, gratitude, and success are enough of a motivation.

My daughters have witnessed my many forms of advocacy.  And they both have great hearts filled with compassion and empathy.  In recent years, I have seen their actions to help others whether in school or in public.

A couple of weeks ago, on Tuesday, my older daughter made a post of a black “jpeg,” in support of “Black Out Tuesday,” in memory and support of the murder of George Floyd at the hands of the Minneapolis police.  She knew what she was doing.  And what made it even better, she did it on her own.

Over the last sixteen years, I have done my best as their father, to set examples for them in regard to advocacy, money, relationships, education, and so on.  It is when I see something that has been done, unprompted by me, that I can see the impact that I have indeed had on my daughters.  And I am proud, as always.

Advocates In Training

My daughters have witnessed a lot in their short lives so far.  They have seen my experiences with my health.  They know what it is like to grow up in a house that has gone through a divorce.  Experienced in adoption.  That is just what they have been exposed to personally.

Then there are the things that they go through when they are away from either of us parents.  School lock downs, bullying, suicide, teen drug and alcohol and tobacco use are constants in their environment.

Both girls are very aware of the world outside of their home as well.  The homeless, the poor, the disadvantaged.  They know quite easily, it could be them in someone else’s shoes.

And then of course there are the things that they learn in school from science to health, history to politics.

I did my best with them, from the earliest of ages, for them to have empathy and sympathy for others.  My older daughter, not even of school age noticed a group of special needs kids, while eating at an ice cream shop.  While she may have noticed that some looked different, she only saw them as regular kids.

I have never heard either of my daughters even mention someone’s skin color.  Both are aware that they are not Caucasian, have Caucasian parents, yet the question of “why is our skin color different than everyone else’s skin color?”

Years ago, while visiting Philadelphia, my daughters saw their first homeless people, not the purpose of our visit, but led to a long and lengthy conversation about the “how’s” and “why’s”, and what could we do for them at that moment.  Just two years ago, while doing some grocery shopping for one of my visits, a less-fortunate woman approached us, asking us if we had anything we could spare so she could buy some food.  I will admit, there is a 50-50 chance I will help, just because, who am I to judge if someone is legit.  But in front of my daughters, I faced another test.  Lead by example, or teach a very bad example.

Do I teach them that it is better to be benevolent, without judgement?  Or do I show that that it is okay to lie.  Or do I make it more complicated than that, that it depends on what you are lying about?  Those who understand the mind of a child, knows there is a reason that there are age limits for a reason, because in many cases, the minds are not developed enough to make the right decisions.

I personally feel it is an awful lot to expect of a child to figure out the difference between telling the truth, and understanding potential consequences of telling lies.  We have all been there.  The phone rings.  A child answers the phone.  The caller asks to speak to a parent.  The parent says, “tell them I’m not home.”  As adults, we do not see the big deal, but as children, they get confused.  Telling lies is bad.  But their parents do it.

I could have easily have told the stranger that I did not have anything extra to give, because I really did not have any extra, as I budget myself when I travel for the visits with my daughters.  But as I said, I have taught my daughters to be empathetic, even if it means “giving the shirt off of my back.”  As I looked at my younger daughter, I knew what my answer was going to be.  My daughter, knowing that I do not have much, saw me pull out some change out of my pocket, handing her a $5 dollar bill.  The woman expressed her gratitude, and both my daughters had smiles on their face, believing that they just made someone’s day even just a little bit more better.  Though none of us talked about it, there is also the chance that we all realize, we could have also just been had.  But again, I have raised my daughters to see the good in people.

It is one thing to be aware of problems and issues.  It is another to do something about them.  And this is where both parenting and schooling play the most important part of teaching a child how to be a good advocate, to express themselves properly.

Now older, my daughters have opportunities in school, where they must present “arguments” or opinions to certain discussions from English literature to historic events and world issues.  Some of these opportunities may be in the classroom, or in front of a debate level stage.

My daughters have seen many opportunities to witness me standing up not only for myself, but for others as well.  They have seen the good and the bad.  It is important to them to see the consistency that I do not sacrifice what I believe in.  Just as important, they must also witness that I do not let any defeat deter my efforts.  They have learned that it is important to be educated about the cause that is supported, and then also to learn how to communicate their points of view, especially in the firestorm of an “all out” opposition, to never stoop to someone else’s level because that is not who they are.

It would be easy if people just did the right thing all of the time.  But the world does not work that way.  It would be just as nice if we could have a simple discussion to point out the needs to correct a wrong situation, and have the humility to accept the error, instead of defending pride to the death, and “better them than me”.  My daughters have learned, in all of the areas that I am an advocate for, health, cancer, adoption, child custody issues, discrimination and more, I do not give up.  A loss is just that, a loss, not an end to my efforts.