Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

26 Apr 2017

When You Give A Girl A New Country


Today, I am welcoming a guest author today.  Though we have never met, we have a personal connection, which, when I saw her blog title, I knew that I wanted to share her thoughts with those in my personal circle.  You see… Haley is adopted from China.  I actually got to meet her parents when Haley’s family and I each adopted our second child (respectively) from China.  Haley’s younger sister, and my youngest daughter has a bond that will last forever.  Haley’s family and my family are connected forever.

There are already so many children who have been adopted from China, who have now reached adulthood.  As our children grow, because the majority of us in the adoption world are blended families culturally having those issues to deal with, there are also the needs, interests, and issues that the child will have to deal with themselves.  Well… who better than to reveal what goes on in the mind of someone who has been adopted, heading into adulthood, than someone who is there right now.

So, please allow me to introduce you to Haley, a senior in high school.

“When You Give A Girl A New Country”

In my family, we celebrate an extra holiday every year.

We call it my “Gotcha Day” because on September 12th, 1999, I met my parents for the first time. That day is the day we became a family.

I’m writing this article to answer some frequently asked questions about adoption that I have gotten over the years, currently get, and will continue to get throughout my life. I answer these questions on behalf of myself and many other adopted kids around the world; I’m sure they’ve received the same questions and can relate to my answers.

Growing up, being adopted has proven to be interesting. Some people try to avoid talking or asking about my adoption; many treat it like a sensitive topic. People view the notion of adoption as a tragedy—they treat talking about adoption like talking about a death. People tread very lightly when asking me about my adoption, and they always seem to be very uncomfortable and nervous.

The former has always confused me, because why should anyone feel uncomfortable to ask me about my loving family? Why is the very blessing that brought me to where I am today treated like a tragedy?

Probably the most frequent question I get asked is if I would want to meet my birth parents eventually. Being that the adoption was international and thus closed, we have very little information on either of my birth parents, so the idea of ever actually meeting them is very far out of reach. But even if I could, I don’t know why I’d want to. Meeting them wouldn’t be some magical moment like it would be in the movies. I wouldn’t feel any kind of special connection to them immediately or anything. Who’s to say I would even like them?

I think this is only a thing adopted kids truly understand, but having blood to blood relation doesn’t actually have anything to do with being a family. I have encountered the term “real” parents multiple times in my life, and I want to make it clear that my parents that I live with now are my real parents. They clothed me, fed me, cared for me, and raised me. They are the people that are responsible for the person that I am today, and they are the people that gave me the entire world. I don’t know about me, but it is them that deserve the title of “real” parents. They parented me, thus they are my real parents.

Another frequently asked question I receive is if I am upset or angry at my birth parents for giving me up.

Honestly, I’m not upset or angry at all, but instead, I am indescribably grateful for the decision that my birth parent(s) made to give me up for adoption. They chose the best option out of what I see was three: the first being adoption, the second being to kill me (wich is a common practice done to unwanted children in Asia), and the last being to keep me and try to raise me. Although I do not know the circumstances of my birth parent(s) situation, I can infer that because they indeed did give me up that they were not in the best position to keep me. If they tried to keep me, my life would’ve been a struggle.

I cannot express my gratitude towards my birth parent(s)’ knowledge of what my life would’ve been for me and instead of selfishly keeping me, deciding to give me up and give me opportunities they would’ve never been able to provide.

One of the most commonly asked questions that I’ve received throughout my life is if I believe my parents do not love me, or could not love me, as much as they would if I was their biological child. And this brings me back to a point that I made earlier: blood relationship does not define family.

My family has shown me more love and care than I could ever repay them for. They’ve given me the world and provided me with everything I could’ve wished for in the world. Without them, I would be nothing. They have loved and supported me as if I was their own, because honestly, I am their own.

Although I was not born of the two of them, they are still my parents and they will always be my parents. Biological relation is irrelevant in family. Family is about showing love, care, and support throughout a child’s entire life, and that’s what my family has given me.

 – Haley

 

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
07 Apr 2017

A Strong Character Right From The Start


Whether a child is of biological origin, or adopted, character is something that is taught by the parent(s).  Right from the beginning, almost daily, I taught my daughters the values that I believed should be important to them.  And I did this by example, because those same values apply to me.  I want them to respect me biblically as per the ten commandments.  I want their unconditional love.  But I also want them to be honest, loyal, trusting.  I have told them that most of the qualities I have taught them will be an important part of who they are.

Another quality that I want my daughters to have, is empathy and concern for others.

My daughters definitely understand to have empathy for people when they are sick or injured.  They have witnessed personally some very extreme situations just with my health alone.

But it was during a scholastic athletic event a couple of years ago, that I saw an example from my oldest daughter, the quality of concern for someone else.

I have taught both daughters, that if they start something, they need to finish it.  Whether it be a project, a recreational sport, or anything extracurricular, they are to make and keep the commitment.  When applicable, if competition is expected, they are to give their best.  Their lives will not be judged on how many medals they possess, but how, they got them if they did.  They are to have fun what they do, and give their best effort.  But very importantly, never at the expense of someone else.

My oldest daughter was competing in a “triathalon” for her elementary school.  She had trained very hard running at the local track down the road from our house.  Every Saturday morning she had an opportunity to use the high school swimming pool to train.  And she already had enough experience riding her bicycle.  This was her second year competing and had done well her first time out not knowing what to expect.

She had slashed her way through the water, and had been about 2/3 of the way through the bicycle portion of the race, when another competitor wiped out.  My oldest had avoided most of the contact, but still had the collision.  My daughter got up, dusted herself off, and then directed her attention to the girl on the ground.  She was hurt.  There was never a doubt what my daughter was going to do.

My daughter stayed with the injured girl, while many of the adults around me noticed the accident and my daughter’s actions.  My daughter would remain there until official and medical personnel arrived at the crash site.  And even then, my daughter wanted to remain to make sure the girl was okay.  The adults on the scene, encouraged my daughter to continue on with the race, and she did.  My daughter finished the bicycle portion and then completed the run.  It never mattered to my daughter what place she finished, nor her time.

I could not have been more proud.

Now, as an older student, she finds herself at a slightly more competitive level as she is participating in her first official athletic season of girls track.  She is competing in two events, the shotput and 75 meter dash.  I have no doubt she will excel in both events.  She does not lack confidence.  And she does enjoy competing.  But it was during the dash, that something occurred, that once again would show her character.

As anyone who has done track before, the first few times launching off from the starting blocks can be quite awkward.  And though I know my daughter is quite fast, and she would probably rather start from a standing position, it was the starting block that got her start of the dash off to a rough start.  But it was her recovery, her refusal to give up, just as strong as her will to compete, that allowed her to finish the race, just a couple of lengths behind the pack of runners.  She could have just given up like a baseball batter grounding a ball down the baseline, but she did not quit.  She ran with everything she had.

I cannot wait to hear how she does the next time around.

Yes, I am very proud of the daughters that I have raised.  There is a lot more to go, but so far, they understand their character is going to define who they are, and how others see them.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Recreation | Leave a comment
06 Apr 2017

Questions And Answers


Every so often, follower of “Paul’s Heart” reach out to me with questions.  I want to take this opportunity right now to answer those questions.

How do you decide your topics?

I am a very impulsive writer in most cases.  With the exception of planned projects, such as short stories I have had published in Visible Ink, various news publications, the majority of posts/stories come from ideas that personally concern me, such as cancer, survivorship, adoption, health care, divorce, and such.  An idea might pop into my head, and within hours, I “lose” that urgency to write, and it falls into a cue which currently holds over 500 prompts.

Are there things I will not write about?

I do not believe in censorship, so I would say that I can and would write about anything if I was asked.  As a rule, when it comes to “Paul’s Heart”, I generally do not discuss my opinions when it comes to religion and politics because those things are private to me, and I do not want that to interfere with the purpose of this blog, to help and support those experiencing similar life struggles as myself.  If I do write about a controversial subject, such as health care, I will do my best to research and present facts.  But I have found, that writing about politics or religion, often cause more harm to relationships, and what I want this blog to achieve.

Do you prefer to write fiction or non-fiction?

I am told that I do not give myself enough credit for my writings.  I have had several assistants editing many of my pieces, all with different approaches for me.  I do not consider myself to have a vivid imagination, yet my writing coaches have a way of drawing out that talent from me.  I do prefer to write biographical type pieces, as many of my followers look to “Paul’s Heart” for inspiration.  I have written about many others on this blog and the experiences that they have gone through, so the stories are not just about me.

I have taken what I have learned from my writing coaches, and encourage my children to write in a similar fashion, by giving them simple prompts to provoke their imagination.

I do enjoy writing editorial pieces also.

Do you make time to write?

I recall the person who asked me this question.  Their claim was that between all of the doctor appointments, work, taking care of their family, this person felt that they had no time to write, in spite of their desire to do so.

I do try to set aside time to write, at least once a week, if not more.  It does not always work out that way, because I also have a tendency to get “stuck” not able to put thoughts together to write a piece, perhaps I do not like the finished project, or I just even give up on that particular piece.  But unless I have a deadline to meet, I write when I write.

In further discussion with this person, it turned out that they spent on average three hours on a train, commuting to and from work.  I mentioned that if they were interested in writing, this time period on the train would be ideal to gather thoughts, to see if there would be anything that they might like to discuss on paper.  Time on the train is a perfect and often quiet time to reflect.

Is writing therapeutic for you?

In one word, absolutely.  I am a person who internalizes… a lot.  I have many emotional struggles as a cancer survivor, one of which is survivor’s guilt.  And that is exactly what it says.  I also deal with PTSD and anxiety in relation to my survivorship.  I do have someone that I speak with, but when I do not have that option available, yes, writing is just one of the things I enjoy to help me relax, along with my other method, music.

Whether you publish something, or just document a thought in some sort of diary, releasing a thought that is of great concern to you through writing is indeed therapeutic.  Keeping concerns inside is not good.  And all too often, we do not have someone that we can just readily talk to, or may not even be good at listening.  We can express our thoughts, reflect on them, and then decide if it is necessary to share with others, or is it good enough that “I” recognize that expressing myself as I had done, that is all that needs to be done.  Yes, it is very therapeutic.

Can I share my story on your blog?

As long as it pertains to cancer, survivorship, adoption, or divorce, I am more than happy to share others stories of survivorship and inspiration.  You can send your story to me at pedelmanjr@yahoo.com .

As always, I am so thankful for everyone who reads and follows “Paul’s Heart”.  As I mentioned earlier, I have a lot of stories in cue to get to.  I think I am caught up on questions.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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