I do not hide it. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I will admit to being calm, cool, and collected in times of crisis, and it is extremely rare that an emotion will be seen from me. Whether I am sad, angry, happy, intrigued, disgusted, trust me, I will let you know.
As a cancer survivor and cardiac patient, I have an appreciation for all things concerned with the world of medicine. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on television, but experience has taught me so much. In all honesty, I should probably go back to college, and get a medical degree. I cannot say with certainty as I was never a medical student, but one thing that cannot be taught is empathy. But it is both my empathy and my experience right now that cause me to have a heavy heart, broken if you will.
For the second time in several years, I found myself in a situation of not just a caregiver, but also clinician. For the second time, I was able to diagnose and issue that had been overlooked, or willingly ingnored. Because of the empathy and care that I gave, I do not believe there was suffering, but the ending was still so hard to take. I spent so much time, so much care, so much attention. And I know it made a difference. I could see it every day with improvement, EVERY DAY.
Then I am told to stop what I am doing, that it is not right. It could cause problems with outside officials. But the problem is, I was never told. Not that it would make a difference to me though I would walk right up to the line of insubordination, I would never cross it. The judgement from keeping me perform my job to the best of my ability and humanity would then fall on the individual enforcing this unfortunate political move. But they had been given too much credibility because of where each of us rank in society. I know this for a fact.
So to keep from being punished, which has never been an issue at home or school as a child, nor as an adult, I had to immediately cease my efforts, which still would not provide a certainty that I would not be punished.
Today, I lost him. He is in a better place. Everyone knew this day would come. All I tried to do, and succeeded, was make it better for him. And simply because someone above me did not like it, he lost that quality of care the last couple of days of his life.