Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the day “February 25, 2013”

A Page From Job

I had finally turned my screwed up life around, when I finally proposed to my girlfriend.  Somehow, somewhere, I screwed things up because my world came crashing down the day that I was told that I had cancer.  I was happy, “was” healthy,  taking care of “man” urges, all things were good.  Because of my then fiancé, I had also been attending church again.  After all, if we were going to be married there, the minister wanted to see us there more than just our wedding day.  He got his wish.

I put a phone call into his office, that I needed to speak to him urgently.  This man of the cloth called me back.  “I’m really busy right now.  The Advent season has just started so my schedule really doesn’t have any room.  I can make some time for you after the new year.  So, I am diagnosed with cancer, the one place that I turn to, my church, can’t make time for me because they are getting ready for Christmas.  Yeah.  I’m sure that my cancer will stop screwing with my emotions for the Christmas holiday break.

I have a quirk in me, that is 100% certain to react when an initial need is not acknowledged and dealt with in an appropriate manner.  Without guidance, I will seek out on my own, and the very first thing to embrace me, is where I will turn.  I had lived a shitty life for that past seven years, but I had turned things around, things were good, now they were shit again.  So my minister did not want to be there for me, I turned to my own bible.  I had heard of a character named Job who basically lost everything and blamed God.  Of course it was some deal between the Devil and God, but Job threw the blame at God.

Job lost his character, his family, his house, and his health.  Job cursed the day he was born.  God tries to set Job straight, and Job continues that his complaints are not only just, but never ending.  He hated his life.  Job speaks again of his innocence and then prays for relief.  Eventually he is convinced that his life will turn around with his faith, and it does.  I do not recall the length of time to get to that point, but I was definitely feeling like Job.  Later through the book, God makes his presence  firm saying that he would never turn away from children .

But when I got that diagnosis, I could help that feeling.  In one fell swoop to have just everything ripped out from under my feet.  Of course I saw the error of my ways, and though still not an openly publicly religiously practicing man, I do still have strong faith.  Or at least at this point, I think I do.  In spite of having the ultimate gifts in my life, my daughters, I find myself at a crossroad once again.  For nearly five years, I have taken one “punch” after another beginning with my emergency heart surgery.  Little by little, the assault on my life has been relentless and merciless.  At moments, I have been able to calm things down, just to focus and steer actions in what was hopefully the right direction, only to get sideswiped by yet something else.  For every action, there are three reactions or “side effects” that come my way.

Currently, I am staring down the “barrel” of  three additional actions that are anticipated to occur within this week alone.  And perhaps knowing that they can and most likely will occur is more stressful than having them sprung on you.  But the only part in my favor, under “normal” circumstance, normal is in quotes because my definition of normal is so understated, I adapt to crisis very well.  When I can anticipate, I can plan and prepare.  I can do better when I am not caught off guard.

This effort will no doubtedly be my biggest to date.  I apologize for the lack of details, not that publishing them is going to change anything.  I believe they will still occur, but until they do, I want to control or at least do what I can to control the circumstances, and the consequences.

Keep you arms and legs inside the car at all times, and wait until the ride comes to a complete stop before exiting.  Hang on, this is going to be a rough ride.


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