Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Recreation”

Learning To Live Again


Like many music fans all over, I mourn the loss of one of the greatest musical talents, like so many, gone too soon. Being my age, a lot of bands that I grew up listening to over the years, have lost members, and of course, now that many of those bands have members with ages in the 70’s, it becomes anticipated.

Not since the assassination of John Lennon though, has a popular musician’s death, really had such a deep affect on me. Sure, the deaths of David Bowie, Prince, and so many others, made me sad, because for one, there was never going to be new music, and two, that meant the music that I enjoyed most, would never be replaced with anything as substantial or meaningful. Yes, I really have a hard time listening to today’s music and thinking, “yeah, this is going to have a lasting influence on the music world.” Sorry, too many of today’s musical acts are nothing but fads, phases, and the “act of the day” pushed by music companies looking to make a profit.

Taylor Hawkins, drummer and vocalist for the Foo Fighters, and other projects, died at the age of 50, just six years younger than me. The circumstances of his passing are still uncertain. At this time, just speculation. But I will tell you, fifty years old is too damn young to die. The news of a 911 call, with a complaint of chest pain, from a fifty year old, causes flash backs for me (a post upcoming soon on Paul’s Heart).

The Foo Fighters are one of my all-time favorite bands, so, being the music geek that I am, I delve into their history than most others who just listen to music for noise. It is one of the appreciations I have for the musicians in the band. I know the commitment they make to their craft. And while the main lead singer and guitarist/drummer Dave Grohl, Hawkins was commonly by his side.

To watch Hawkins play, you could only wonder where the Hell does he get the energy and stamina to play at the level of intensity that he does. But fans of the Foo Fighters know that Hawkins was more than just a drummer, he was an accomplished vocalist as well. He was known to cover Queen’s “Somebody To Love” in concerts, and there was even a performance with Queen’s Roger Taylor on drums, playing with Grohl and Hawkins for “Under Pressure.”

As I said, it is when you get into the music nerd world of Hawkin’s history, that you see that he was much more than just a drummer. Before making it big, he was the drummer for Alanis Morrisette during her “Jagged Little Pill” days. Comments by other musicians remarked how Hawkins loved to dive deep into the “why’s” and “what’s” of the processes and history of music. In short, he lived and loved music.

There is one image that will always stand out in my mind, a moment, where Hawkins not only realized who he was, where he had gotten to, humbling at the experience. While filming a Foo Fighters concert at Wembley Stadium in England, the band finishes a song with the crowd just screaming in enjoyment and applause. The camera focuses on both Grohl and Hawkins, who clearly have an “oh shit” moment, “is this really happening?” This particular stage and experience does not happen to many, such as Queen, or the Live Aid concert. Truly this was a great moment, and both of them knew it.

Like I said, bands lost members for one reason or another, often tragically. And over my years, Chicago (Terry Kath), Queen (Freddy Mercury), and the Eagles (Glen Frey) just to name a few have passed away. Somehow, and selfishly of fans, we are glad when bands like these can overcome their grief and continue on, not always perfect, and definitely not replacing the loss. But we are glad the bands continued to make music.

For Dave Grohl, Taylor is not the first tragedy of someone close to him, especially musically, he must morn. As one of the members of the grunge band Nirvana, Grohl was devastated by the suicide of lead singer, Kurt Cobain. Most in music found it hard to think that we would ever hear music like Nirvana had given us, ever again. No one definitely saw the Foo Fighters coming. But when they did, it was instant success, just like everything Grohl seems to touch, again, by Grohl’s commitment to, and love of music.

But now, Grohl is morning again. Hawkins has been the drummer for the Foo Fighters for over two decades, often side by side with Grohl. There is no way to even understand what grief Grohl must be feeling, as I got pissed off this morning by a Fox “story” on the “first sighting of Grohl” in California since Hawkin’s passing. Paparazzi are such ghouls.

It is rare that a drummer gets as much attention as Hawkins has. Unless you are Ringo Starr, Phil Collins, Don Henly, or Neil Peart, you get attention as a drummer for antics such as Tommy Lee Lars Ulrich. I can name quite a few other drummers, just as a fan of the bands I listen to (Danny Seraphine of Chicago, Jeff Plate of Tran Siberian Orchestra, I could go on). But Hawkins was more than just a drummer. He was a course in musicianship and appreciation.

During their final concert before Hawkin’s passing, lead singer Dave Grohl told the crowd, “I don’t say goodbye. I don’t like to say goodbye. I know that we’ll always come back, we’ll come back. Will you come back? If you come back, we’ll come back, so then I won’t have to say goodbye.” It was soon after that, Taylor was gone. Kind of prophetic those words and what they would mean in the near future as all future tour dates and an appearance on the Grammy’s were cancelled. And who could blame Grohl or the rest of the band? The grief has to be unimaginable.

But as fans, we are selfish. We want more. We want more Foo Fighters. And if anyone can do it, it will be Grohl leading the way, and in a manner that honors Hawkins. All they have to do is look at their song, “Times Like These.” The main message of the song, “you learn to live again.” It is my hope, just as many others have gone through a tragedy like this, the Foo Fighters can continue on, just as their music will, and the memory of Taylor Hawkins.

Siblings, Best Friends


There are a few times in my life, that I must admit, I have “winged” it. The biggest part of my life, came with very little experience, my daughters. As an ACOD (adult child of divorce), my memories, thoughts, and ideas of parenting and child relationships come from a different perspective than others from the “traditional” families.

I grew up without my Dad present most of my childhood. The relationship between my sister and I changed as we grew older, and we grew apart. Friends that I knew, that had both parents, or had siblings, did not share these same experiences as I did. But I knew one thing for sure, while I could not have those experiences myself, I wanted my daughters to have those experiences, those relationships.

Unfortunately, their mother and I would divorce. But unlike my father, I stayed involved with my daughters as much as I could. I wanted to be their role model for morals, education, relationships. I wanted to be someone that they knew they could count on to come to, when they had something that needed to be dealt with. Most importantly, I want (and that is present tense on purpose) them to know, I will always support and encourage them as they steamroll into adulthood. I am hoping that they will have a better footing on life than I did when I started.

But if life plays out the way that it should, my daughters will have much more time with each other, than they got to have with me. And that is why I believed in building the bond between them, as early as possible.

From this moment, my second adoption in two years, a sibling relationship was created. They would play with each other, laugh with each other, perhaps scheme with each other, most importantly, love each other.

For sixteen years, it has been this way. And I feel good about their future together as siblings. They will be separated for the first time in their lives soon enough, with one heading off to college, and the other soon after. They will start their own lives with what they have learned in schools, and with what they were taught by me. Reunions with each other will require a little more thought to coordinate everyone’s availabilities. And with technology, we are all just a Factime or Zoom away from each other.

The other afternoon, I stepped inside the convenience store to pay for my gas. As I was waiting, I noticed a pair of children, clearly brother and sister. They were helping each other select a package of candy their parents allowed them to get. But their parents were outside pumping gas. They were completing this task on their own. After selecting their choice, they approached the counter clerk, and the older brother proceeded to pull some money out of his pocket, while his younger sister looked up at her brother proudly, as he paid for their snacks. No bickering. No tantrums. Just cooperation.

Was it like this all of the time for them? It could be. I know when it came to my daughters, I had never witnessed any knockdown dragout arguments between them. Quite the contrary. As they have grown, and developed their own interests and strengths, they have learned to count on each other for assistance whether one assists the other with an art project, or a math assignment.

Seeing the young siblings reminded me just how far I had come from with my daughters, and as I recall the last sixteen years of their sibling relationship, I am pretty sure I got it right.

32 Years…A Timeline Of Survivorship


Today I recognize yet another anniversary of the day I finished my chemotherapy for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, now 32 years ago. Among my circle of fellow survivors, many of us recognize this date, while others choose to go with the date that they were diagnosed. Going with the diagnosis date as the anniversary date, is supported by a popular concept recognized by many organizations, that just being diagnosed with cancer, makes you a survivor. For me, I use my last day of treatment. Technically, March 2nd was the last injection I received, but I still had one oral drug I was taking until March 3rd.

As I am still following precautions for Covid19, tonight is going to be just as it has been the last two years, just a quiet night, likely a lot of reflecting. As I have mentioned many times before, thirty-one times before in fact, this anniversary is bittersweet to me, because of all the other survivors not just that I have known, but also never had the chance to meet, who either did not survive their battle with Hodgkin’s, or lost their battle with their late developing side effects, similar to what I deal with.

While it is no small fete to continue to survive cancer, now into my fourth decade, the health issues from the treatments that were used to save my life, are a major struggle for me as they continue to add up. This is now the 3rd anniversary that has followed yet another major surgery. I have had three major surgeries in the last three years, two of those surgeries last year. Two of the surgeries involved my heart, the other, a carotid artery.

Looking back, over the decades, in spite of what I have gone through, I would not change my mind in the decision to accept the treatments that saved my life. The alternative was a certain death from one of the most curable forms of cancer.

May 20th, 1990, just over two months of completing chemo, I got married (for the first time). Seven years later, I began a career that not only fulfilled me, but would provide me with one of the most important benefits of my survivorship, health insurance I had otherwise been denied, just because I had cancer.

Another big anniversary, 2004, I became a father for the first time and welcomed my oldest daughter, Madison.

Two years later, 2006, Madison would become a big sister to Emmalie.

In 2008, my life after cancer would change in a dramatic way.

This photo has been used many times on my blog. This photo was taken when I came home following my first heart surgery, an emergency double bypass that would be attributed to damage from the radiation used to treat my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. This would be a major turning point for me. Because in spite of being told at that time that I was going to die, at any time from a fatal heart attack, I could not have wanted to live more. And to that, I credit Madison and Emmalie with giving me every reason to want to live. The thing is, I had no idea, this situation was not something once and done.

I had finally heard the term “long term cancer survivor,” and it was used to describe cancer survivors who faced late developing side effects from their cancer treatments. Health surveillance of me would discover that I had additional damage to my cardiac system (specifically my heart), my lungs, my gastrointestinal system, my thyroid, my upper torso (neck and shoulders), my spine, and more. The damage from my treatments was finally progressing enough that it was getting noticed.

I was determined though. Like I said, my daughters gave me the will to want “tomorrow,” a lot of “tomorrows” in fact. And that will would be tested, again and again.

Between March of 2012 and February of 2013, I would make five trips to the emergency room, one via ambulance again facing a potentially fatal event, the others less critical but serious nonetheless. Each time, all I could think about, were my daughters.

2014 would bring other challenges, not cancer related, divorce from my second wife, mother of my daughters, and the loss of my career, due to the rapid declining of my health. My determination to see my daughters grow up, into adulthood, could not have been any stronger.

In 2019, I would have my second heart surgery, a remnant from my 2008 open heart surgery, that had been left unrepaired, in what turned out to be false hopes of correcting itself via the open heart surgery.

Of course, later in the year, Covid19 would strike. But as my doctor once told me, “I cannot stop or reverse what is happening,” and that meant I would be extra challenged in 2021, not once, but twice. I needed to have my left carotid repaired, and eight months later, my third heart surgery, both performed while not only trying to not get infected with Covid19, but under the strictest of protocols in the hospital.

I expect a few of the upcoming years to be uneventful, at least I hope, which will allow me to steamroll to other exciting things that will happen in my life; my daughters graduating high school, college, and hopefully marriage and grandchildren. These were things I did not expect to see when I was told that I had cancer, and definitely did not expect to see, following that first heart surgery. But now, I will do all I can, and expect everything of my body not to let me down, so that I can complete my life.

On a final note, and yet another reminder of why I do not necessarily celebrate this day, I have a fellow survivor, going through open heart surgery today, again, another survivor of the treatments that cured her of her Hodgkin’s. But she is an even stronger fighter, in that she has beaten cancer multiple times. Gail, you are in my thoughts, and I will be looking for the updates on your recovery.

As I always do on this post, I will close with my annual expression, “as I continue down the road of remission, I will keep looking in my rear view mirror to make sure you are still following me. And if you are not on that highway yet, hurry up. It’s a great ride.”

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