Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Recreation”

You Worry About You. I Will Worry About Me.


The news is encouraging. States and counties all over, are finally seeing lower transmissions, hospitalizations, and as the trend goes, deaths from Covid19, from the current variant. Our fingers are all crossed that this will be the end to the pandemic, so that it can be dealt with more like a flu, as it was often mischaracterized in the beginning. Because like the flu, there are now vaccines and treatments. And that is just one main difference. In the beginning of the pandemic, there were no vaccines or treatments. It was clear this was no flu. And the bigger distinction, flu never took the lives of so many from one outbreak as Covid19 has taken.

For the longest time, all we could do, is follow recommendations for something we had no idea what we were dealing with. It should have been no big deal really. We initially were asked to wash our hands and stay a decent distance from each other. Admittedly, the whole mask recommendations were a big debacle in how they were handled, whether due to shortage of supply, or efficiency, or even laziness by those unwilling to do the most basic of covering their mouth/nose when they sneeze or cough. And let me tell you, I saw my share of human “pigs” just spew nasal eruptions directly to the store shelving in front of them, no barrier between their face and those exposed during this time.

I will not waste my breath on the endless political arguments and false tropes on what was necessary to get through Covid19. Here is what I do know. I have followed the recommendations, ALL of them. I am one of the few that I know, that has still not been tested positive. And I plan to keep it that way. Which means that the mitigation efforts I followed did work. I want to be clear, this is not a judgmental statement either. The mitigation efforts may not have been perfect, but clearly they did prevent the pandemic from being worse. But it would have definitely been better to have more people willing to do what was necessary. No doubt, this would have been over sooner.

So with numbers continuing their downward trend, mandates and recommendations are being dropped by states and local governments. There are still some that are keeping efforts in place as they are just not there yet with their numbers. Even with the constant updates from the CDC, my daughters school district held an emergency meeting yesterday, and voted on an updated safety policy to reflect the new CDC guidelines, which now reflect masks being optional. And in spite of the meeting being held to change the mask requirements, there were so many parents still expressing their political outrage at something that was now a moot point.

I did not even need to ask my daughters, if they would continue to wear their masks for the time being, to wait for numbers to go even lower. They are doing it willingly. Because they know how important it is to those in their lives, especially me, that they not be carriers of Covid19.

But not everyone will be like my daughters. There will be a major “release” of those wanting to shout from the rooftops “off with the masks,” by anyone who has been opposed to them. In just the last few days, I was told twice, and I emphasize “told,” I “could and should” take of my mask. They see the removal of the mask requirement as if it were proof to them, the masks were not needed in the first place.

Again, I have not had Covid. And I do credit masks for that. I do not do crowds even without the pandemic. I have not stayed isolated “in fear” as some proclaim politically. I get my own groceries. I pump my own gas. Last Summer, prior to the Omicron outbreak, I even took my daughters on a small trip. Neither they or I caught Covid, because we still followed the recommendations since we were not done with Covid19.

They understand that I have a compromised immune system, and struggle to maintain antibodies. I have already had three full doses, which it took to get me the coverage needed. A blood test next month, will likely reveal, my coverage pretty much depleted, needing a fourth dose. Meaning, I am still at risk. But I am not going to hide. I am doing all I want to do. And I am doing it with the advice given to me by my doctors.

So, when someone says to me, “you can take off your mask, I’m vaccinated” or “take off that mask you don’t need it,” I politely say, “yes I do.” It does make a difference to me. You do what you want to do and I promise I will not say anything to you about it. All I ask is the same in return.

The downside to the mask for me, as a cancer survivor who struggles with a multitude of health issues and restrictions, I do all I can to hide it from everyone physically. The outer shell that is my body, hides the trainwreck inside. But the mask, will let everyone know, there is something wrong. I am okay with that, because I follow my doctors’ advice and recommendations. They know what I must do to live through this crisis.

Sugar And Spice…


The nursery rhyme goes, “sugar and spice, and everything nice. That’s what little girls are made of.” This is one of many rhymes and lullabies my daughters heard from me when they were younger. There are still buzz words and phrases they hear from me, that remind them, I have not forgotten their childhood memories they have given me. Of course, that often more likely results in the teenage “eye roll”. I don’t care.

Those days are so long ago now, and Easter dresses and other holiday outfits, are now prom gowns and other formal dance dresses.

But this moment is more than just about inevitability. It is yet another milestone that I have been able to reach in my cancer survivorship, and with all the health issues I have faced because of that survivorship. In the past, many of my caregivers often accused me of understating and undervaluing the events that I have gone through, just because I keep on “keepin’ on.” It is all I know.

The reality is, and words I will never forget hearing from my cardiologist, I was dying back in 2008. It was “not a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’ from a fatal heart condition.” Not my cancer, but an issue related to the radiation therapy I received for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma back in 1988. That therapy has cause many issues, just to my heart alone.

My daughters now old enough, did not witness my cancer journey, and were just toddlers when I had my life saving open heart surgery (the first of three eventual heart surgeries), so they really do not have many memories of that. As time has gone on, they have seen more of the issues I struggle with, but now they are older and can understand why.

They understand it goes beyond a Dad being all sappy and mushy as I cling to pictures with the Easter Bunny and playground games, and then look at them now, and lose it.

My doctors now know, I do not underestimate or undervalue the medical challenges I have faced. But boy do I celebrate each new milestone and event, I otherwise would never have seen had it not been for the medical experts and the science that found the cures and surgeries to help me heal.

I warned my older daughter that with this being her last semester of high school, these next few months were going to fly by. We are already through two months, and prom season is around the corner. Another milestone by all rights, I know I am more than lucky to be able to see.

When Did You Learn About Your Parents?


Though I see this daughter all of the time, fortunately, the “look” is not something frequently seen. She is normally a very happy young lady, with a smile and a giggle that melts my heart. This particular look has one more level, that of which is referred to as the “stink eye.” For those unprepared, she can make you feel quite uncomfortable. For those who know her well enough like I do, it is all show.

I have been on the receiving end of this look occasionally, I think I can count less than necessary of my ten fingers. But one particular incident took me off guard.

It was a Valentine’s Day and I had just come home from work. I needed to get changed for dinner as we were all going out. My cell phone rang. I was currently in a cycle of receiving phone calls for my first ex-wife (wife in this story is ex-wife #2). They were bill collectors trying to reach her, and by using “guilt by association” data bases (I had not been married to her over a decade by this time), when they cannot get ahold of the person they are trying to reach, they will contact everyone in their data base.

Typically, I ignore these calls. Once you answer them, they will keep calling, even when you explain that you have not seen or talked to them in over ten years. But I was in a good mood. And that meant, I was up for a little fun.

I let the caller go through their talking points, asking for my 1st ex-wife. And then I unloaded on them.

“How many times do I have to tell you, I have not seen her, heard from her, in over 10 years! What else do I have to do to get through to you people, I have no way to reach her?

The caller interrupted, “I am sorry for the inconvenience…”

Then I interrupted him. “You’re sorry! It’s freaking Valentine’s Day. I am planning to take my wife (now ex-wife) out to a romantic dinner, and she hears you asking for my ex wife? You have ruined this day for both of us. I hope you are satisfied.” And then I hung up.

As this call was occurring, I was pacing the floor, so that my voice sounded as if I was excited and upset. I saw my ex standing in front of me, and she had an odd look on her face, which did not appear related to the call. After I disconnected the call, I asked her, “what?” She nodded at me to turn around.

At just about waste height, I had not looked lower from eye level, to not realize my older daughter had been standing there.

My daughter had a stern look on her face, like the picture above, pointed a finger at me, and said, “you had another wife?”

Throughout my parenthood, I had always played out scenarios of situations where my daughters might just ask me questions about my youth, to perhaps help gauge a decision about to be made. It did not matter if it was about dating, smoking pot, underage drinking, or whatever else. They were going to get honesty from me, at an age appropriate level.

But there was one part of my life that I had not given any thought to, because it really had no bearing on my daughters. Their mother and I are the only parents that they know. So I did not feel it was imperative at their young age to know that I had been married previously. Sure, it might come up for discussion perhaps in their adulthood. However, I had no ties to my first ex-wife, especially children.

I stuck my own foot in my mouth though. The topic, it was not a secret, was out. I had a short conversation, lasting five minutes or less, my prior marriage, again, keeping it at age appropriate level. And then, my daughter moved on.

My daughters are still teenagers, one of adult age now, and my resolve is still the same, to be open and transparent with my daughters about my past. Right now, my focus is on school, and after graduation, and making sure my daughters have the right ideals and morals, when it comes to dating. Dating is one concern that I do have as a father, because I remember how I was as a teenager. I am fortunate that my daughters had a great role model as their baby sitter, because they remember her. And when I tell them how focused a student she was, that when she was not at school, she concentrated on her work, which included babysitting, and of course her family. Dating and boyfriends came after those.

I do not talk to my daughters about my divorce from their mother, except when something is mis-stated and needs to be corrected. I also do not want them to think I am sour against marriage though I have no interest in that again. As they approach their adulthood, I just feel it is important to be one of the two most important people in their lives to set an example for them, and to support and encourage them.

My health has been challenging since my late effects from my cancer treatments caught up with me. I had no guarantee that I would be here to see this day, yet, here I am. That means I am going to have more conversations with them, including about my past. Hopefully, and there is no rush, this will include parental advice.

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