Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Bullying”

19 May 2021

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!


“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!”

Think back to your school days, and chances are at least one time, you heard that particular chant. Depending on your age, decades ago, you either gathered around, crowding around the two combatants, or, like today, you become a cinematographer to post the fight on line.

This behavior, often dismissed as a “phase” all kids go through, translation… “we aren’t going to do anything about it”, referring to the often start of the melees, bullying. I am fifty-five years old, and I can confirm this has been going on for five decades. I was involved in the process, but usually on the losing end, a victim of the bullies.

Why was I such an easy target? Besides the fact that I was short, and age-wise, I was much younger than the majority of my classmates, I was an easy target. I was raised “to turn the other cheek.” In other words, walk away from a fight. All that resulted from that, was I would get hit in the back of the head. And for anyone looking to finally break into the spotlight of being a tough guy, I was an easy mark for them to begin their journey.

There was one problem with that thinking, on both of our parts. One day, I would finally have enough, and snap. Back before the days of Columbine and Parkland and Newtown, and so many others, in other words, before the internet, that meant with my hands. And I finally fought back. It caught everyone off guard, including the recipient of the first punch.

I did not feel good about doing that, because that is not who I was, nor how I was raised. But I had enough. And there are long term effects from this behavior. Kids who bully in school, often become bullies as adults. According to the website bullyingeducation.org , adults who were bullies often inflict their “power” on others in adulthood. Many, will have involvement with the law, and statistics are only for those that have gotten caught. But according to Olweus(an anti-bullying program) in 1993, stated that one in four students identified as bullies by the age of eight have ended up with at least one conviction by the age of 30.

And what happens to the victims. Before I get to the personal story, here are the facts. According to Medical News Today, “victims of childhood bullying are at risk of poorer outcomes in adulthood, not only for psychological health, but also physical health, cognitive functioning and quality of life.” The act and results of bullying is not a phase. It is intentionally causing developmental harm to the futures of both victim and the bully.

One of the main issues that I struggle with as a result of my frequent beatings and harassment in my youth, as an adult, I fight EVERY battle. Have you ever heard the expression “choose your battles”? I don’t. Every fight to me, no matter if it is even a minor one, I see as an opportunity for someone to try and get an edge over me. To me, the little things lead to the big things. And I cannot let it happen again.

I try to look at the bright side of this attitude. This mental toughness that I developed has helped in some aspects of my life, most noticeably, in the fight for my health. I am tenacious. I do not give up. There is no quit. By the same token, I have lost friendships because I have not been able to let some things go. Co-worker relationships were ruined because I could not walk away from a supervisor acting like a bully, only to have the supervisor ramp up their efforts to crack down on my co-workers.

The point is, the effects of bullying are not a “phase.” The effects have major and permanent impacts on the future of a child, no matter the victim or the bully. So, why does society still continue to allow this “tradition?”

So two weeks ago, an incident happened in a local high school, and a portion of a cell phone recording, was released publicly. The claim, along with what was reported to news sources, was that two Caucasian girls jumped a girl identified as Muslim. It was also reported that there was a vocal exchange prior to the assault by the two girls, indicating that this likely should be considered a hate crime. While the entire incident lasted more than half of a minute, only nineteen seconds of the fight has been seen publicly (this was all that was recorded on the cell phone, school surveillance has not been released of the fight).

All that can really be seen of the fight, is security rushing in to break the fight, separating the three girls, only to have one of the combatants break free from her the burly grip of the guard and lunge at one of the two other girls. This student was on “fire.” Who could blame her? Especially if she was attacked by two others at the same time as reported. You can actually hear her yell at the two girls, “you think you’re a bad ass bitch? You think you’re a bad ass bitch?”

Now this is where it gets a little more complicated. During the fight, the Muslim girl’s hijab had been pulled from her head. While that might be a “normal” occurrence, similar to pulling hair, it was security’s actions that made things a bit more difficult. As the girls were separated and led away, the Muslim girl’s hijab was not returned to her as she was escorted out of the cafeteria. Anyone familiar with the tradition of the hijab, knows how important this article is to those who wear it. If you are not, then you may not understand the level of upset created. As the student spoke during an interview, she had felt “naked” that boys were able to see her without the hijab, something discouraged in the Muslim faith.

To their credit, the district and high school admitted the lack of awareness and in denying the restoration of the hijab to the girl. The school and district is also going to be moving forward with other cultural educational and informational programs so that more are aware of the concerns of certain populations, and the respect deserved.

Again, we are limited by a 19 second video, as opposed to the full 32 second video of the school. Understanding the girl was upset by the fight, and I feel justified in supporting her defending herself as she should have, I do have a problem with what we did hear. And I feel this way no matter what faith you practice. And I am not saying you can’t have a foul mouth if you are religious and in the middle of a heated fight. Absolutely, it is part of the fight if you throw out an F bomb or two or three. And I don’t care if you are Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Lutheran, Budhist, whatever, “bad ass bitch” is not a phrase mentioned in the hallowed temples of any faith. It is used in any number of pop culture media such as songs by Tyga with Drake, or most recently the song “Peaches” by Justin Bieber.

So, while the argument over the removal, and not allowing the recovery of the hijab is legit, someone who is as literate in current cultural verbage not used in religious tenets, loses a bit of credibility when leaning on religion as an excuse to fight back.

As a school board candidate, bullying was one of my main platforms. And I still feel as strongly about it today as I did back in 2011 and 2013. When I spoke to voters, who expressed their disappointment that seemingly forever, nothing gets done about bullying in schools, and it doesn’t, I offered this solution, make it a criminal act. If the school or district does not want to deal with it or correct it, then change it from a civil situation to a criminal situation. Assault and harassment are crimes, no matter what age. If the family of a bully really wants their child to have a criminal record by allowing the behavior to continue, according to statistics, the will see the law eventually anyway.

In the above mentioned scenario, police were called for this fight. And currently, the investigation is ongoing, now two weeks later. Rumors an innuendo abound, that while the two Caucasian girls said something racially insensitive, the Muslim girl responded in kind. This was before the fight began. So again, I am not begrudging someone of faith from cursing their head off in the heat of battle, but before a blow is thrown, a cooler and stronger faith head should have prevailed.

The district and school did their part. We are waiting for an official release from the police and the media. Then again, enough time may pass, that we are expected to “forget about it” happening. The thing is, if any or all of the participants did in fact, make this a racially involved fight, that must be dealt with. Ignoring or forgetting it does not make the hatred go away.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
13 May 2021

A Birthday Blunder


I recently celebrated the birthdays of both of my daughters. And as I am prone to do, now that they are older, I look for cards that will express my feelings for them.

I came across this card, and I was immediately drawn to it. Its message was simple, watching your daughter have opportunities, growing up with her many talents, and of course supporting the daughter every step of the way. Perfect! A homerun card. This card hit every point that I tell my daughters in person every opportunity that I get.

But… as I am prone to do, in my excitement, I may miss something, such as the further inside of the card. Sure, I saw the words “Happy Birthday.” That was all I saw.

As you can see from the photo, I had to make an edit to the card. Originally, the card did say “mom”, but obviously the card was coming from me, and I really liked the message on the card. And when I went shopping for the card, looking at all the slots, there was no tab saying “from mom” or “from Dad.” But this card was specifically written for a mom to give it.

I have a problem with this. Why could the card not have been given from a Dad? As I said, I say these things to my daughters frequently. And in all honesty, the words can apply from either parent.

This took me back to an incident all the way back to the beginning, when I adopted both of my daughters, in fact, each time.

I changed the diapers of both of my daughters. I fed both daughters. I held and rocked both daughters. I played with and comforted both daughters. I had done all that I not only knew I would do as a Dad, but wanted to do. And I was good at it.

Being adopted, unlike a biological child adapting to its parents right away, there are potential developmental concerns with attachment. I was aware of this as it was explained to me during adoption classes. Fortunately, my employer had offered a type of “maternity” leave, that would allow either parent to remain home, in effort to help acclimate the baby to its new family. It was six months, though unpaid. Because of the unique situation that my then wife and I had, working for the same company, we were told that we could not both take the six months, but, we could split the time, even taking it simultaneously.

So we agreed, that I would take one month, their mother would take the other five months. Besides being severely jetlagged, we felt that even that month, would provide the necessary bonding opportunities between all of us.

Some in the family did not agree with this. I was called selfish, that the mother should have had the full six months to bond with the baby. That it was more important for the mother to bond with a daughter.

Now, I know darn well, if I had made any kind of sexist comment like that, I would hear a chorus of “oinks” for being a male chauvinist pig if I had made a reference to a parenting task only a father was capable of. And it did not sit well with me. Anyone making comments about our adoption process, had no idea the trauma that our daughters had experienced already at such a young age. To make matters worse, to say that one parent was more important than the other, had more value than the other, that just irritated me.

As my daughters have grown, they will both say how important it has been to have both of their parents in their lives, even with them being divorced. Their mother and I are their role models, their examples, their influences.

As happy as I was to have seemingly found the perfect birthday card, once I got home and prepared to sign the card, I had seen what the card maker had done. And it took me back to seventeen years ago when I heard that it was more important, not as important, that the mother bond with the daughters more than the father.

After all of these years, I would strongly disagree, and so would my daughters.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment
07 May 2021

If At First…


It is hard to know if expressions that we were once told as children still live on. But one that has always stuck with me, and I definitely used with my daughters, “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” It applies to many things that have been dealt with in our personal lives, as well as in the world in general. Perhaps none so important as the fight to end the Covid19 crisis.

If there is one thing that is most frustrating for me, is that there seems to be no patience, there has been none from the start, in dealing with a near completely unknown virus, one that will clearly go down in history as one of the most lethal, when you go by actual lives lost instead of the falsely encouraging low percentage rate. It was obvious, we had no way of knowing much of anything about the disease, how to protect or prevent the spread, and no plan.

What we did have, was a lot of politically misguided input, which in all my years of dealing with medical issues, I have never had one issue of conflicting politics interfere with my care. But here it was. If you dared to attack the leadership, many would blame the scientists for sabotaging the leadership. Now, I cannot speak for everyone, but I know of all the scientists that I know, not one has ever worked towards anything other than a solution to a problem. The end result is a huge score, their name attached. One such critical example, Jonas Salk, you may not know his name, but you can thank him that we do not see Polio anymore.

But just as the vaccine for polio, dealing with Covid19, from diagnostics, to preventions, to treatments, to vaccines, the process is the same, trial and error, try, try again. Though it can happen, it is highly unlikely that an answer to any complex problem can be discovered right on the first go. Because of the politics of Covid19 however, scientists were immediately discredited for the very process that we have relied on for centuries for our survival. It gave those whose political stance was stronger than concern for the well-being of fellow human beings, the opportunity to say, “see, you are wrong. You don’t know what you are doing and until you do, I am not going to do what you say because you are just trying to control me.”

As for me, I cannot afford politics with my health. I have been a benefactor of science so many times, several of those critical. I am thankful for processes, protocols, and regulations to make sure that things are as safe as can be. Notice, I did not say, “to make sure things are perfect.” I do not believe that we can have 100% success in most things. Yes, it is nice if we can achieve that, but that cannot be the goal, especially when we are dealing with the Covid19 crisis.

Almost a year and half later, we are at an encouraging position, we are dealing with several vaccines which show promise, with a success rate better than any other vaccines created. To be clear, I am not an anti-vaxxer, but I do believe in processes. As I have mentioned previously, I support the vaccines that have been given emergency use authorizations. And I do that, because I understand what that phrase means. It means that research has been done, and it current results show that it will be successful, and the crisis is bad enough, that the risk of not using the vaccine, is less than letting the virus burn through the population. Dealing with multiple late effects from my cancer treatments, I have these considerations on multiple occasions.

I will get the vaccine, eventually. I do not doubt its success, that is not the issue. The fact that it has not been “approved” is not an issue either. To get the approval, all that means is that all of the other studies must be completed, as well as the other processes. No, my unique health issues, had not been researched when it came to the emergency use authorization. So there was no studies, no data, no idea, how my body would react to the vaccine, me having no spleen, and multiple other complications. Would the vaccine draw down my immunity further making me susceptible to other illnesses? Would the vaccine have any impact on any of my health issues pertaining to my heart or lungs? So far, research had only been done on healthy people. Science.

Then there is this, and this is something I do know about the science of me. The importance of vaccines is to get the body to make antibodies. I learned several years ago, following my first heart surgery, my body does not make antibodies, or at least without boosters. This is a fact. There are two vaccines that I have had to have multiple boosters to produce antibodies. I know how my body works. So here is the problem.

There are no studies on boosters (yet), especially if they would be safe. There is no protocol. All I can relate is anectdotal from stories I have heard from other survivors of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma like me. Several have had Covid19. Many have gotten the vaccine. Some have had both. There are those still dealing with lasting effects from Covid19. I know of some who had severe reactions to the vaccine, and some who had none. What to do? What to do?

Fortunately, science is doing what it needs to do, through trial and error, Big Pharm is at the stage now that they are looking at boosters, and feel that boosters will be helpful in dealing especially with the variants. But again, the is not based on people with health like mine. But science will get there. It just takes time. It is not perfect. “If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

I do have one encouraging hope, in that because I had what is considered a blood cancer, while I wait for the scientists to catch up, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society has not waited, and is running their own studies on survivors of blood cancers such as Hodgkin’s. Fellow survivors are reporting their data to the LLS about their exposure to the virus, the vaccines, whether their bodies have produced antibodies, all of the information necessary to form an opinion on what to do with patients like me.

It is a hard balance, personally speaking. I hear my doctors tell me, “Paul, get the vaccine, if anything at least it has the potential to make the effects less severe.” And they are likely right. Unfortunately 31 years ago, I had been given an option as well, based on limited knowledge, other than “it would work.” Do not get me wrong, I am grateful for my 31 years of survivorship, and I likely still would have opted for the treatments that saved my life in spite of the potential for side effects. But my life would have been a bit more easy, had the research been done, as to what the side effects and risks of my treatments would have been, more importantly, how to handle them if and when they would appear.

And that is my only hesitancy at this point. I will get a vaccine, not sure which one yet, but I will get it. But I am following, and trusting the science. Honestly, in my lifetime, I have never seen a process or crisis, like this, and I never want to again. But I do believe we are doing the best we can.

Posted in Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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