Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Animals”

Pollo – A Lesson Learned From Man’s Best Friend


Pollo is the greatest dog in the world as far as dogs go.  As far as humans go, he is one of the greatest friends to have.

His life began in a puppy mill outside of Lancaster, but out of our ignorance about origins of most pet shop dogs, he ended up in our family.  We could have worked him like many other golden retrievers, but instead, let him do what he did best, be a dog.  We have a huge fenced in yard, so he can just patrol or run full tilt if he would like.  He also has gotten to enjoy our inground pool whether jumping in from the side or off from the diving board.  In recent years, he has enjoyed better than the kibble I have strictly served him courtesy of youg children.

Pollo is now 13, which in people years is 97 years old.  But guess what.  He still has that puppy-excitement in him.  That is all we have ever seen from him.  The groomer often refers to him as “the Happy Golden.”  We have taken him to the vet every year for his annual exams and shots.

Our works schedules were not the best for someone who has been so faithful and loyal a companion as Pollo.  Having only a couple of felines keeping him company, he seemed content just napping all day, and occasionally rooting through an occasional bath towel.  But the moment we came home, right by our side.

It is hard for Pollo these days.  Over the years, he has developed “fatty tumors” which our vet has told us, for a dog his age, not really an issue at this point, as long as they do not cause him any discomfort.  There are several now, and some quite large.  But Pollo shows no signs of discomfort.  I am trained in animal care, so I know what to look for, head tilt, eating and bathroom habits, lethargy, and so on.  He is still the puppy from thirteen years ago.

His decision to enjoy a mushroom buffet in our backyard was not one of his shining moments of intelligence last year, but following that incident, his age is beginning to show very quickly, and not just from the whitening of his muzzle.

Though is favorite spot to get comfortable is on our hardwood floors, it is nearly impossible for him to stand if on that surface.  And he now struggles to get up the stairs to our bedroom, “ours” meaning Wendy, myself, and Pollo – where he has been his whole life. 

Pollo has always shadowed Wendy and I.  While he spends a great deal of time sleeping, he wants the company.  No matter which room of the house we are in, he is there.  If I am sitting on a particular chair in one of the rooms that he is already in, even in his sleep, somehow he moves towards me, that within minutes, he is laying on top of my feet.  There is nothing like fur slippers during July.  Upstairs, downstairs, inside, outside, he is with us all the time.  He does not necessarily have separation anxiety, it is just that when he knows we are at home, he wants to be with us.

For some time now, he has been approaching our stairwell with great reservation.  He will climb with his front paws resting on the first step, and just stare at the mountainous climb before him.  I imagine he takes in a deep breath and then begins his laborous ascent, one step at a time.  When he arrives at the top, he proceeds right to his open cage in our bedroom, and plops right down inside it.  I have not closed the door in years as he has never been a dog to jump up on the bed, even if he wanted to, between gravity and his size, he would have as much success as Louie Anderson doing a double front summersault of a 10 meter platform.  But at some point, he ventures from his metal cave/den, and then lays down by my side of the bed which is where he is when I wake up.  He waits until I am completely ready for work, and have fed the guinea pig, and then he follows me downstairs and we complete the rest of our morning routine with each other.

But a few days ago, the task of going up steps is clearly becoming too much of a burden.  Still no whimper or obvious sign of pain or distress, he is intent on staying with us during the overnight.  For the last two nights, I have blocked off our den (leading into our kitchen), and both times he has bulled his way through the chairs (clearly not being able to hurdle them), and each of the last two mornings, there he has been, right by my side.  Even as I heard his paws on the hardwood floors last night as we turned in for the night, and went downstairs to interfere with his plans to get up the stairs, returned him back to the den, at some point, he made his way through the blockade again.

I could not ask for a better dog, or committed and loyal friend.

Why Paul’s Heart?


Why “Paul’s Heart” and why now?

I began “Paul’s Heart” as a step to writing a book, about what, I do not know.  As you can see, I am trying to keep all my options on this blog.  Perhaps, just as important, what I am trying to write about, is why?  I believe that some how, if I can reach even just one person who has gone through similar an experience like I have, or perhaps even inspired by someone who has had to deal with for so much.

But what if that person has no way to express how he or she feels.  I am hoping that this blog does just that, give everyone a voice.  By recognizing me and my limitations, they know that they will take care of us all.  I am laying it all out there.  It is a huge risk on my part because of employment, insurance, and just plain mean people.

However I am hoping that if that time should ever come that my health issues result in a bad judgment against me, as long as my blog has helped one person, then “Paul’s Heart” has been worth it to me.  If you are that one person, I am willing to be your voice.  I am willing to stand by you and help you find the care that you need.  I am willing to offer genuine encouragement and tell you it is okay when you do not want it.

12,088,800


The opening song in one of the greatest musicals, Rent, is called “Seasons Of Love.”  I am paraphrasing, but the song asks “how do you measure a year?  In daylights, midnights, sunsets, coffees, inches…”  It is a beautiful song.

I have titled this post “12,088,800” with special accounting in mind.  March 3rd is the 23rd anniversary of completing my chemotherapy for Hodgkin’s Disease.  23 Years – 12,088,800 minutes.  Compared to the 10,400 minutes that I was given the chemotherapy, or the 30,600 minutes from the beginning of my Hodgkin’s Journey to the completion, 12.1 million minutes is a long time.

12 million not big enough number?  14 million.  There are over 14 million survivors of cancer.

I am often accused of under-appreciating what I have gone through from my first counselor to the long term caregivers I see today.  I was treated with four times the lifetime maximum exposure to ionized radiation.  I was injected with a chemical that Sadaam Hussein used to gas his own people with.  I was battling a disease that has killed over 600,000 Americans a year, over 1500 per month.  Chances are, this paragraph has your attention.  It should have mine, and it does to a degree, but not what it should.

March 3rd, 1990, I completed 30 treatments of radiation to the upper half of my body, and 8 cycles (fancy term in my case, for months) of a chemotherapy regimen referred to as MOPP-ABV.  I had five surgical scars to show the lengths travelled for my diagnosis and staging.  Statistics of survival were only referred to with a five year mark.  Up until March 3rd, 1995, I had never heard of anyone surviving cancer, let alone more than a year.

Fast forward twenty-three years, as I enjoy destroying odds and statistics, I once again have the world by the tails.  I officially have my longest monogamous relationship with the mother of the two most beautiful girls.  I have a nice house and a great job that I not only enjoy, but take great pride that it is a career that allows me to “pay back” the industry that has saved my life on numerous occasions.  My daughters are now old enough and curious about my “cancer” history.  I am mindful of the time when I was a child, and the only thing I knew about cancer was “people died.”  They are reminded with each conversation that people can survive cancer.  As if this were not enough, brief as it is, I am continuing a local political journey for our local school board that began three years ago.  There is so much for me to be proud of, appreciate, and celebrate.

But yet, on this date, March 3rd, I afford myself only the opportunity to recognize the importance of this anniversary.  I cannot celebrate it, which most people cannot understand.  Wife, kids, career, surviving cancer for decades, I have every reason in the world to celebrate.  But I do not, I cannot.  My survivorship comes with an extremely burdensome feeling, guilt.  Survivor’s guilt.  I live, while others have not.  I am in remission for decades, yet many deal with their third, fourth, fifth recurrence.  Hundreds of patients and survivors have come into my life.  Regardless the distance, I held each of their hands emotionally at the least, to offer comfort, confidence, solace.  But I have also shed so many tears, some of joy, too many of pain.

This is a great day, make no mistake.  I recognize the importance, the value of my survival.  In twenty three years, just two decades, I have personally witnessed the great things that have come in the progress of safer and more accurate diagnostics, safer and more effective treatments.  Because of research from institutions such as Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Hospital, the University Of Pennsylvania, and so many other institutions who have made cancer research a top priority, and without the support of organizations such as the Relay For Life, Livestrong, StandUp2Cancer, and so many more, that progress would not be possible.

Here’s to another year.  Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart, for those that took the journey of cancer before me, with me, and after me, I truly mean that.

“As I continue down the road of remission, I will keep looking in my rear view mirror to make sure that you are still following me.  And if you are not on that road just yet, you’ll catch up to me.”

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