Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Animals”

21 Jan 2014

Cancer Does Not Discriminate


Back in 1989, as I walked through the hallway of the 9th floor at St. Luke’s Hospital for the first time as a cancer patient, the first lesson I learned was that cancer does not discriminate. Whereas early in my childhood, and mainly because of stereotypes that cancer created, it seemed that only certain people were diagnosed, and died from cancer.

Within minutes, I would see the widest of ranges in age of patients, from as young as two, to patients in their eighties. I saw men and women, people of all ethnicities. I would be willing to be also, that it did not matter if you were a good person or a bad person. Short and tall, rich and poor. It did not matter.

It was after those first steps on the cancer floor, that I had it in my mind I was going to be my cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. But it also became a moment that would change my thought process. After seeing the various patients, and in their various states, from that moment on I no longer gave myself the opportunity to feel sorry for myself, to allow myself to feel or acknoledge any pain or discomfort, physical or emotional. Someone was always going to have it worse than me. My situation was going to be temporary. This was thinking was going to be an issue for the rest of my life, and it is, often in a horrible way.

You see, no matter what the pain or discomfort, it does not take away from the reality, that it is real. Your pain, my discomfort, someone else’s ail, they are all real, and all deserve the proper attention. Yet while for the most part, I appreciate being able to be referred to as a long term cancer survivor. But at the same time, my heart mourns for Jennifer (see Jennifer’s Story on this blog page), and now my heart completely mourns for Michael. My thoughts begin to be dominated by a three year old neighbor battling a cancer that just a few years ago, took my stepsister’s life with her second battle having survived the first time for more than 30 years. I worry about my dad who just turned 70 as he worries about his cancer surviving.

Cancer does not discriminate. And even if it did, I do not know if that would help to make sense as to the “why” it has to happen. All I know is that it hurts. Every time I must say goodbye who has come into my life, it hurts. That is why I participate in fundraisers like the Relay For Life, Light The Night, breast cancer walks. Money cannot be the reason that we continue to lose someone. We need to find the cures, for all cancers, and then prevention.

Posted in Animals, Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart and tagged , | Leave a comment
27 Dec 2013
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One Direction – Forward


For the last twenty-five years, my life has gone nothing as planned. From the day I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma back in 1988, one thing I learned very quickly in my life, there was no such thing as being in control of my life. All I was able to do was recognize, accept, and move on, one direction…forward. One of my favorite expressions is ” if you spill grape juice on your white carpet are you going to stand there looking at it asking ‘why?’ Or are you going to clean it up before the stain gets too bad?”
2013 a lot of “grape juice” was spilled. I was rushed to the emergency room for the third time in less than a year. Some late side effects from my cancer days were requiring attention. My second and final campaign for our local school board fizzled into oblivion. My most loyal companion and furry friend Pollo was laid to rest just shy of his fifteenth birthday (not too shabby for a golden retriever). And the biggest event of 2013, the end of my second marriage.
As all of these things occurred, I was never in any control of their outcomes or consequences. I could only move in one direction…forward. My health is always going to have something pop up. But I can make better decisions that can help prevent many things from happening. Stress reduction has had major impact on me already. Confirmed by my doctors, certain vital signs and blood results have improved to the point that medications are being ceased. Even some of the permanent late side effects are less in severity without the large amount of stress.
Local politics was an interesting venture. For all the hype of the last presidential election it was only natural to think that while turnout would not match the levels of 2012, a local election that had major implications surely had to make a difference and could have come down to “one vote making a difference.” But instead voter apathy tumbled far below even two years prior, another off-year election.
I still miss Pollo so much. I have finally stopped automatically going for his feed bowl or the back door to let him out first thing in the morning. But I do still miss his faithful tail wag and inability to get mad for any reason. But the loss has been so painful.
As for the divorce, the end will come. But my attention now has to focus on my daughters. I will not discuss the circumstances of the divorce. But the effects are showing on my daughters. I know what it is like to be caught in the middle of a bitter custody situation and I am doing my best to make sure that they know that both of their parents are going to be a part of their lives not just for 2014, but for years after that. Both of us will have wonderful new changes for the girls providing them plenty of wonderful experiences, just not the misery and stress of watching us not getting along with each other. For everyone else in our lives, I do hope that in 2014 you realize that what led to our breakup was best kept between she and , and had nothing to do with anyone else.
I have lots of hopes for 2014 for the one direction I am making. But I will not forget those that will also be struggling with either their employment, finances, health, or their relationships.
I prefer to clean up the “grape juice.” Not ask why it spilled. To all of you reading this and “Paul’s Heart,” I wish you all a happy, healthy, prosperous new year.
Happy New Year everyone.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart, Uncategorized and tagged , , ,
06 Dec 2013

A Value Of Music


I am still dealing with horrible grief in the loss of our beloved golden retriever, Pollo two days ago. It is unbelievable the amount of memories that I have of him not only in my heart, but in every inch of our house, there he was. So, as I try to reverse this pain that I feel inside, I look to something that has always gotten me through other difficult times in my life, music.

I am a third generation vocalist/musician, with my daughters appearing to be the fourth generation, yay!!! My interest developed at a very young age of five and over my scholastic ages, developed quite nicely. As an adult, I took advantage of several opportunities and diversified my interests into radio and other disc jockeying avenues. Of course, when it comes to music trivia, I am usually a go-to person when someone needs help with a band, title, or lyric.

I can never get enough of great live performances. My list of bands that I have not gotten to see but are still on my list, has grown shorter, while bands that I have seen repeatedly, have taken the back seat. What is amazing is that bands that I have seen even this late in my life can still play like they did with their original recordings… Journey, Foreigner, and the Eagles. Bands who have reunited after years apart like Asia, and bands that rebuild every so many years like Chicago, REO Speedwagon, Styx, Bon Jovi, and Bad Company still sound as good as their original lineups. A lot of new bands have been added to my must-see list such as Foo Fighters, Green Day, and Nickelback.

But this time of year, a strange phenomenon takes over my Ipod and car stereo. From Thanksgiving until December 26th, I allow Christmas music to be played in my car. I like most Christmas music, traditional and contemporary. I just do not care for the agony of repeat that radio stations feel the need to inflict on our eardrums. There is more than enough renditions of “Rocking Around The Christmas Tree” and “The Most Wonderful Time of The Year” without playing the same version time and time again. Although, I would prefer if artists leave Mariah Carey’s song “All I Want For Christmas Is You” alone.

If you are with me during this season, what you are most likely to hear, is Christmas Rock at its finest, the Trans Siberian Orchestra. This annual band, who many years ago found a way to have an impact year round with the recording of their Beethoven’s Last Night CD and recently their Night Castle CD, offers a unique combination to please the ears of all generations from small children to grandparents, while still satisfying my eardrum-pounding needs. What started out as a heavy metal rock band has transformed through a collaborative process into a magical orchestra reaching generations of all ages.

Many became familiar with TSO during the Christmas holidays years ago with their song “Christmas Eve in Sarjevo 12/14”, a new arrangement of the traditional “Carol Of the Bells.” Radio stations picked up on the popularity of this song, and next thing you know TSO started to tour. The first time I saw them was at the Tower Theater. I have seen them more than a dozen times, each Christmas season, and twice to see their performance of their rock opera “Beethoven’s Last Night.” Seeing them perform was a tradition to me. Every year brought more and more pyrotechnics and lasers and other visual effects with unbelievable axe grinding/.

The neat thing about TSO is that due to their popularity, they actually run two separate tours as their concert revenue generating ability is limited to just a couple months of the year. So, the band actually has what is referred to as an “east” coast and “west” coast touring orchestra with members split between the core Trans Siberian Orchestra. No one ever leaves their concerts feeling as if they had not gotten their money’ worth.

Last year, I broke my streak of times that I had seen TSO perform, and this year did not bode well for me to see them again. There are now tribute bands to TSO like the Wizards Of Winter, and Twelve Twenty-four. While not up to the scale of the original, they still put on a great show.

But in a time of year that has been traditionally difficult for me, the Trans Siberian Orchestra has always given me a raucous distraction and helped me focus on the joyous seasons that awaits each year.

Posted in Animals, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment

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