Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “The Heart”

Too Big To Fail = Too Big To Care


Geezer alert!  I am going to show my age by being able to recall days gone by, when local mattered.  And times were good.  I do not normally do stories like this, but an incident this morning kind of struck me just how far things have gone.  And honestly, I do not know if it has been worth it.  I will let that up to you.

I was helping a friend with their stove this morning.  I used to do that kind of work years ago, and this particular task was easy, and not very physical to do.  So I made the call to the local supplier to see if they had the part, which they did.

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Simple enough, “how much?”  “A little bit over $50 and we have it in stock.”

My next question threw him for a loop.

“Do you have any aftermarket replacements?”  I asked this because at one point, the aftermarket company “Chromalox” actually used to make the element for the name brands.  Yes, you then paid the much higher price just to have the name brand logo on the part.  Years ago, being able to buy “generic” from local parts places saved you considerable money.  But if you went to an “authorized” wholesaler, per the manufacturer, they were not allowed to sell the generic equivalent.  The truth is, at one time, if you needed a belt for your washer, a lint screen for your dryer, a door gasket for your refrigerator, or an element for your stove, generics were always available.

“No, we only carry OEM (original equipment manufacturer) parts.”  So of course I looked around to find someone who was not authorized to sell those parts thinking surely, I would be able to get the original part with the original manufacturer’s name, Chromalox, not the manufacturer of the stove.  It was then that I found out that the manufacturer had bought out the generic replacement line I was looking for.  And yes, now my friend must pay the higher price.  But as I reflect on the past, for decades we have seen that mergers, though originally sold to us as “good for the consumer because it would increase competition which of course would bring lower costs,” I now call bull officially.

Here are some other examples:

telephone

Do you remember when nearly every town had their own telephone company?  Do you remember the customer service we had when there were issues with the lines?  Sure, the costs we thought were high, but look at the times now with just a couple of major players?  Customer service now means talking to someone outside of the US if you are lucky, and with all the hidden extra fees, we are now paying WAAAAYYY more than the days when it was just “Ma Bell”.

money

Banks?  I do not even have to go there because we all know that all the mergers produced one of the biggest collapses in our economy.

cable

Cable TV?  We are on the verge of a monopoly with this one, and our rates have never been higher.  Sure, their defense is “look at everything we are now offering your though… 1000’s of channels of programming.”  I only want four or five of those channels.  And if you try to break down your “package” by eliminating the services, amazingly, it will only drop your $150+ bill by five or ten dollars.  Come on, cable, phone, and internet for $150?  But if I want to drop the phone line, my bill will still be $145?  And anyone who has tried calling “customer service” for at least one of the major providers knows that company only provides “disservice.”

pharmacy

Big Pharm… wow.  The motto used to be “everyone needs prescription drugs” which of course should have translated to job security.  But as mergers occurred, jobs were eliminated.  And as drugs came off patents, generics soon crept in making the medications affordable.  But then Big Pharm started gobbling up generic manufacturers, and now look at today.  The costs of generics are beginning to climb to where many patients are in the same situation as trying to afford the original drug… they cannot!

medical

And here in Florida, as in many other states, doctors are being swallowed up by “health networks”.  This is resulting in the elimination of the general practitioner.  The numbers of general practitioners in the state of Florida are down nearly 50% as their practices are swallowed up by these networks.  Gone will be the times that you could see a doctor, for your life, who knew you, and cared for you.  You will now become just a number, and will get a “standard” level of care set by the network, not necessarily what you need, and perhaps might not need.

Of course, there is the big target, Wal-Mart.  How many local businesses have been put out of business by this company?

Too big to fail?  Too big to care.

Deadbeat Dad Defined


The term “deadbeat dad” is an ugly term.  We all know what it is meant to do, infuriate and create judgment against someone  most of us do not even know.  It is gender specific, though clearly, but not often, the term “deadbeat mom” also does exist.  But for the most part, you never hear it used.  Wikipedia defines the term “deadbeat dad” “commonly used to refer to men and women who have fathered or mothered a child intentionally fail to pay child support ordered by a family law court or statutory agency.”  The operative word here is “intentionally.”

I will admit that I knew the term “deadbeat dad” before I even became a parent.  And I will also admit, the anger I would feel knowing that a father was not taking care of his children.  For me it was simple, he was not paying, and that was it, he was a “deadbeat dad.”  No excuses.

The penalties for not paying child support and spousal support today are quite serious.  Just as when I was a child, my father had spent time in jail for failing to pay child support.  Again, I want to state as I have in the past, I do not know any of the specifics of my parent’s divorce to this date, nor do I want to.  He did not pay support always, and for that, he went to jail.  However, this kind of action back then did not carry the ramifications as it does today.  Also, the reasons behind a father or mother not being able to pay their support orders are not so simple either.  With computers and social media, an arrest record for either parent due to support issues is a death sentence for either parent to be able to provide any kind of income not only for themselves, but for the children.

Again, this is where the operative word “intentionally” comes in.  “Intentionally” would have to be, a parent protesting the support award amount and refusing to pay the amount, eliminating the income on purpose (can’t give what you don’t have), or simply not paying it.  These are intentional acts.  And I agree, whether father or mother, they should be dealt with.

Without going into the details of my divorce, I can easily just sum it up, that it will clearly be one of the most bitter, angry, hateful divorces for the books.  We both played a major role in the cause, though clearly she blames me, simply because I filed for the divorce.  I “quit” at she put it.  The outside interference in our divorce has only enflamed the process and the emotions.  I frequently receive hateful voicemails, emails, texts, and also replies to “Paul’s Heart” harassing and threatening me.  All under the guise of “free speech” as my estranged wife puts it.

Below are some of the things that have been sent to me:

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These were all posts on my Facebook page, as a “message” to me as I have struggled to pay the support award that was ordered.  Look at the last sentence, “struggled to pay”.  I have been trying to pay the award which due to circumstances beyond my control, have made it difficult, but clearly not “intentional” as someone from my ex-wife’s side is trying to incite.

The unfortunate results of not being able to pay child support orders, for those of us who try to, end up catastrophic, and will ultimately end up hurting the very children the support, as well as the father, is trying to provide.  But when you have outside sources, combined with a former spouse who has only revenge on her mind, though the divorce was the fault of both, bottom line it will be the children who suffer the most.

As I said, I am in this unfortunate situation right now.  The way the process has worked thus far, we presented our cases to a mediator, the judgment was set, and of course an appeal was made knowing I could not afford the amount that was set.  But in the meantime, I was expected to pay the full amount, unfortunately unable to meet that requirement, by no means was it intentional.  Corporate downsizing led to the elimination of the hours I worked, which led to the reduction of my salary – NOT MY FAULT.  Eventually the downsizing continued leading to the elimination of my position in my department – NOT MY FAULT.  I have health restrictions that allowed me to do that job for many years in spite of my many and well-documented severe health issues stemming from my cancer survival – NOT MY FAULT.  With the company no longer able to accommodate all of the restrictions I had, leaving work on disability was my only option, though clearly, it would not be enough money to afford the support award which would have absorbed 80% of my net disability income.  I had to find another job, that would be able to meet my health restrictions, while paying me the amount of money needed for the support award, and for my survival.  The only way I could do this was to separate from the company I had worked for, for seventeen years – NOT MY FAULT.

And so, I have spent the last several months, trying to find employment that would afford the current support award, as well as my living expenses.  I presented evidence to show, that I have completed more than 100 legitimate job applications, all which qualified monetarily, and I met the experience requirements, but unfortunately, have not even received more than even a handful of interviews.  Without a shadow of a doubt, I have proven I am trying to meet the demands.  I am not “intentionally” avoiding the child support order.

However, all the while, waiting for the appeal process to take its course, actions against me have indeed been taken, whether you judge me as an “intentional dead beat dad”, or a dad who is trying as hard as he can.  Bank accounts have been frozen, passport seized, notifications from the IRS and the state department of revenue have all been levied against me to force me to pay what I cannot afford currently, though trying to correct.  But the next level of this process becomes very serious as I mentioned earlier, if done for spite, will accomplish what my ex wife wants to do, but it will come at an extreme high price to our children.

As I said, I am trying to find work, but the next threat made legally against me, is to suspend my driver’s license, something normally done for someone with traffic issues or DUI’s.  But the intent is to make me take the award seriously, which I have acknowledged several times that I do.  But face it, with a suspended license, how can I get a job, let alone drive to work?  And with no work, there would be no income.  How does this resolve anything with someone trying to make good on the situation?  Fortunately, I have convinced the enforcement office to delay this action.

But it is going to be the ultimate penalty that I face currently, that will have the biggest, and permanent impact.  As the pictures show above, jail is meant to be the ultimate deterrent in forcing payment of support.  Again, if it is a “true” “deadbeat dad” who is intentionally not paying the support award, this should be expected.  But to the parent who is honestly trying, through no fault of his or her own, and is still trying, to arrest and imprison this parent would not only be unfair, but make it impossible ever, EVER to be able to find a job that would afford that support award.

The consequences go even further, because while imprisoned, there obviously would be no money coming in at all towards the support.  More importantly, the health insurance that I have kept going, would also stop, leaving my ex and my children uninsured.  And then of course, with an arrest record, it would be impossible for me to find a job any time soon following my release.  The only success for my ex wife, is that she succeeds in destroying me.

But for both of us, the price will be much more huge than that.  It is bad enough for our daughters to have two parents who can no longer talk to each other.  But now they will have a mother who forced the system to throw their father in jail.  And of course, I would no longer have rights to see my children for the next ten years until they reached adulthood.  I am already being denied any “extra” opportunities to see the children when I travel back to their state for hearings, just because she does not want to allow it.  Memories for all of us will never happen, all for vengeance.  And she is okay with that.  She has made it clear that everything that is happening is my fault.  No.  We both caused the divorce, I was only the one to file for the divorce first.

I have approximately 37 days now, before I face the serious prospect of being jailed on my birthday, which is also in time for the Christmas holidays when I am also due to see my daughters, to meet the current demands of the court.  I continue to apply for jobs, that will meet my health restrictions and afford me a similar salary and needed benefits.  But time is running out.

My actions are not “intentional”.  I am not a “deadbeat dad” as my ex wife and those around her are encouraging her to have me treated as such.

 

And So It Happens


I believe the best relationships, and friendships for that matter, occur when you do not even try to find them.  As the saying goes, “when you least expect it…”.  And so it happened for me.

Now as one friend likes to tell the story, Josephine and I “met” on Facebook.  I am not going to make fun of anyone who has met and developed a relationship on Facebook, Match.com, Plenty of Fish, or whatever internet dating site.  As I mentioned yesterday, I am not interested in any kind of internet dating, blind dating.  I would prefer to meet someone, or develop a relationship with a natural progression, let it just happen.  Let someone come into my life, and find out about the many issues, and baggage that I deal with on a daily basis.  If I present myself in a way, that lets someone know that I am not going to draw them into my drama, which is different than being supportive of someone during their drama, then at the very least, I will have found and made a very good friend.  And if anything were to develop beyond that, at least it was something that was allowed to develop naturally.  That is just me.  That is how I want a relationship.

And that is the way things have worked so far for Josephine and I.

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Josephine is going to be a familiar name on “Paul’s Heart” because I first actually introduced her with the story, “Meet Michael”.  That story is posted in the archives in September as well as a page on this site.  I met Josephine through her son, Michael.

Michael had just been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, at the age of 23.  Just one of several coincidences that he and I shared.  Another, our birthdays are just one day apart.  As many cancer patients are prone to do upon the diagnosis of cancer, he reached out to the internet for support and information about the road that he was going to be travelling down.  A friend of his family was aware of a Lymphoma Facebook page.  Michael was drawn to the number of posts of information that I was contributing.

Eventually, Michael would “friend” me as would his mother for more personal support with his own diagnosis and treatment.  They would ask questions about testing, ask for help to interpret results, and more importantly, how to react to side effects whether they were minor or major.  In 24 years, I have only witnessed such strong familial support rarely.  And just as rare, the courage and strength of someone to get through such a life threatening battle.

Over time, Michael would learn a lot about my history as well, and soon, he would make comments that he too “was a survivor” even before he finished his last treatment.  It was during his last two treatments, that through technology, Facetime, he would invite me along to his final chemo treatments.  It was during this time, unbeknownst to me, that invitation would end up preparing me for the day I would set foot inside of a chemotherapy suite for the first time in 25 years as I cared for my father.  But through that screen, as I had seen him in his home, more than a thousand miles away, I would see him in his chemo chair, eating pizza, seeing the bright and decorative background behind him, and his mother and father by his side.  This was definitely not the way I remembered my days in the chemo suite.

In the meantime, I had been looking to take “Paul’s Heart” to the next level, in book form.  I have been doing public speaking as a cancer advocate for as long as I have been a survivor and with my 25th anniversary coming up in two years, I wanted to lay the ground work for a national speaking tour, combined with publishing the book on my survival.

Josephine knew that I was interested in pursuing this direction, and offered to help me.  It was her gratitude for supporting Michael and their family.  The area where they live would be an excellent area to network and possibly find financial support for my two projects.  Coincidently, there was going to be a breast cancer fundraiser there that would be a great starting point to develop this support.  But this would end up being more than just a networking opportunity.  I had arranged with Josephine, to meet her son who was as much an inspiration to me for his courage during his battle, as I was to him for longevity since my diagnosis.

I spent the weekend getting to know Michael and his family.

But shortly after that visit, things went horribly wrong for Michael.  His treatment had caused a terminal condition with his young heart.

Again, I would be leaned on for support, emotionally and technically.  Admittedly this would go beyond anything I had ever witnessed as a patient or survivor.  But all of them, mother, father, sister, extended family, and friends, all needed help and hope for Michael.

All the while, I was going through my own issues at home.  I was in the middle of my divorce.  My dog’s health was failing.  And my father’s health was also ailing.  But one of my biggest flaws is that I always put the needs of others before myself, no matter what.  And this was no exception.

Michael passed away just after the new year, just shortly after turning 24 years old.  My father passed away this past May.

There were other circumstances that contributed to the one of the biggest decisions in my life at that point.  But as I often make my decisions based on familiarity, as well as support, I made a decision to relocate.  And it was that natural progression, that has led to something more than just a friendship.  We do not necessarily have an official name for it, because we both have been clear that we are not interested in getting married, ever again, both of us having dealt with difficult divorces.

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But in Josephine, I have found more than just a friend.  And it has happened naturally.  As I wrote yesterday, if I were actively pursuing a relationship, at what point would I have the discussion that I had cancer, and all of the other medical issues I have to live with?  And after all this time, and in spite of the circumstances, knowing everything about me health wise, and experiencing what her son went through, we have gone beyond being friends.

In each other, we have found unwavering support, as she and her former husband deal with the daily struggles with the loss of their son.  Josephine gives me daily encouragement as I begin to rebuild my life, a better life that I want to build for my daughters.  In spite of the fears from her son’s death, she courageously supports and encourages a healthy living for me, through diet and exercise, that in spite of all the health issues I deal with, I am going to live a long life if she has anything to say about it.

What is happening between Josephine and I is a lot more complicated that just having “met on Facebook.”  But however you want to say it, what we have between each other has happened part in fate, but also because neither of us were looking for anything or anyone.  Where ever we end up though, I owe the most thanks to the one person I cannot do so anymore, and that is her son, Michael.

Josephine is not only a beautiful woman, but has a beautiful heart, a kind heart.  She is a friend to every one she meets, no matter age, no matter any difference.

My children got to meet Josephine this past summer when they came to visit me, and they adore her.  Josephine adores them as well.

My ex has rekindled an old relationship and is happy as well, and the girls have met him also, and like him.

And so you have it, it happens.  People get divorced, and move on  to hopefully better times which is best for all involved.

 

 

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