Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Recreation”

31 Aug 2020

Chadwick Forever


This past weekend, fans learned the sad news of the passing of an up and coming talent, Chadwick Boseman, best known for his role as the Marvel Super Hero, Black Panther.  He was only 43 years old.  His cause of death has left most who knew of him, with so many questions.  Boseman died from a cancer most often associated with someone older in age, colon cancer.  But as I have said so many times before, cancer does not discriminate by age.

The fact that Boseman hid his fight against cancer, including surgeries and treatments, all while filming, including his role as the Black Panther in his stand alone movie and appearances in the Avengers series, may be shocking to those who have never had cancer, but obviously not to those of us who have experienced cancer.

Hollywood can be especially brutal to actors when they are faced with health crisis, whether they be by their own devices, or in just the misfortunes of ill health.  In any case, though it has not been discussed why Boseman hid the news of his cancer, I am sure that there could be concern of losing value in Hollywood, even with the rise of his fame for portraying such icons as Jackie Robinson, Thurgood Marshall, James Brown, and of course the Black Panther.

No matter how much star power you have, ill health can take away all of your momentum, as if you were not worried about the outcome of your health was not enough.  This is not any different for us common people in the regular world either.  Out of fear of the impact on our employment, we often hide the news, or “put on the brave face” and show up for work, no matter what, and never let on, that we might not be having a good day.

The amazing movies that Boseman put out without letting on that he was facing colon cancer for nearly four years, is nothing compared to his connection to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.

Again, without letting anyone be aware of what he was dealing with, Boseman made various appearances at St. Jude’s offering so much joy to the many children there.  During an interview on Sirius Satellite Radio during promotions for Black Panther, Boseman got choked up as he spoke of his experiences of support to the children at St. Jude’s.  Of course, we all have a special place in our hearts for children with cancer, but Boseman had a secret close to home, and I am certain that he felt more than anyone, what these children were going through.

Colon cancer is not necessarily known for being diagnosed in younger people.  The American Cancer Society used to recommend early detection screening once you hit fifty years of age.  Only recently, as statistics show younger people now facing colon cancer, the ACS adjusted their age limit to 45 years of age.  Boseman was diagnosed at 39.

As a long term cancer survivor of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, one of my potential late side effects from my treatments, is developing a secondary cancer.  Common among us Hodgkoids, is colon cancer.  And so, as part of our follow-up, we actually get screened much younger than the recommended age.  Depending on the results of the colonoscopy, determines any frequency of future scopes.

Late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel (pictured with Katie Couric whose husband died from colon cancer), made history by having his colonoscopy televised (not in its entirety).  The purpose was to bring awareness.

There are a lot of stigmas to having a colonoscopy, some well-deserved, and some just obscenely false.  The procedure is done with the patient either in twilight, or as in my case, out cold (a complication of my health history makes it necessary for me to be intubated), so by the time it is over, for the most part, you have no idea anything was even done.  You just have to wait for the news.  The most unpleasant part for most of us, is the “prep.”  A patient needs to completely empty out their bowels for the doctor to be able to get where they need to, and with an unobstructed view.  In many cases, multiple laxatives in large quantities (referred to as the prep), leave many with an overly bloated feeling, then only to spend many hours on the toilet.  To be honest, I have never heard anyone say it was “no big deal” doing the prep.  The quantity is what pushes us to our limits.  But other than that, it is a procedure that can save a life.

The one stigma that is unfortunately ignorant and untrue, some will not get a colonoscopy done, because they are afraid they will “wake up gay.”  Yes, some actually think, ignorantly, that because the procedure involves the rectum, the scope will somehow create homosexual tendencies.  I have run into a couple of people like this.  I spent a long time trying to convince my friends this was not the case, and the urgency of getting a colonoscopy.  Eventually, I would convince him, and he did confirm that I was telling him the truth, he would not be “altered” due to the procedure, a procedure that may have saved his life.

Why does a colonoscopy make a difference?  I mentioned earlier, about the frequency of colonoscopies based on results of the scope.  If you have a clean colonoscopy, really no pun intended, you are not likely to be requested to have a follow-up for ten years, possibly more.  But, if during the colonoscopy, the doctor discovers anything, in particular, polyps, these polyps can be removed, and of course tested.  “Polyps aren’t too big of a deal, right?”  Wrong.  Polyps have the potential to advance to cancer, colon cancer.  So yes, having a colonoscopy, discovering and removing any polyps, can help prevent colon cancer, one of the major cancer killers.

I am one of the unfortunately ones.  Not only did I have my first colonoscopy before the age of fifty, I am faced with having them every one to two years.  I develop polyps.  And fortunately, to this day, that is all I have had to deal with.  But my reality is known.  Without this preventative measure, I most likely would not have good chances.

There have been many in my life, who have sometimes criticized me for the awareness I have with my health.  “Just get over it.  Live your life!  You beat cancer!  Enjoy!”  I do not know the circumstances behind Boseman’s diagnosis or battle.  But he was diagnosed four years ago, at an age younger before my first colonoscopy.  If you know who Boseman is, he looked healthy, just as many who do not have the frequent surveillance that I do.  So you tell me who has the better odds… someone not being watched by their doctors because, based on health and age no reason to, or a cancer survivor like me, constantly monitored for what could go wrong next.

Like the actor, I try to go through my life, hiding the many things I face.  I don’t want to be a buzzkill worrying everybody, or incurring pity.  I have a good life, at least I feel it is, and I accept my limits which I rarely let on.  And only if you really pay attention, you can see it.  I get through my life without burdening most, and hopefully making a difference in the many worlds that I advocate for, cancer, adoption, and single parenting issues.

Hollywood lost a great actor who had a brilliant future ahead of him.  And we as fans can only watch the few outstanding films that he made, but will clearly last forever.

I normally save a post like this for Colon Cancer Screening Month, but with the passing of Chadwick Boseman, I felt this was the perfect time to bring awareness.  It can happen to anyone, anytime.

Wakanda forever Black Panther.  RIP Chadwick Boseman.

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects | Leave a comment
22 Aug 2020

A Wish That Sticks Like Peanut Butter To The Roof Of Your Mouth


I know, this is probably the oddest title I have ever put on a post.  And I will be able to explain without the need of a flowchart.

I was watching the movie, “The Peanut Butter Falcon” starring Zach Gottsagen, Dakota Johnson, and Shia Labeouf.  It is a story about a young man with Down Syndrome, (Gottsagen an actor living with Down Syndrome) who has one wish, to wrestle professionally.  It is an inspirational movie, but that is not the purpose of this post.

There are other appearances in the movie by famous faces, two of which, are professional wrestlers in real life.  And not just wrestlers, but athletes that I grew up watching.  At this time, clearly these wrestlers are long past their prime in not just the movie, but real life.

And so, off on a search through Amazon and Netflix, I have been scouting as many documentaries as I can, about the many pro wrestlers I grew up watching, to see the many stories of “whatever happened to?”  One documentary led to another.  And then I stumbled across one that was not only my favorite pro wrestler, but would end up providing me with yet another role model of what I want to be remembered for, just like him, a father.

His name was Jim Hellwig.  But to his fans…

we knew him as, The Ultimate Warrior.

“WWE:  Ultimate Warrior – Always Believe” is the cliche documentary, before he became a wrestler, discovering wrestling, becoming his character, and coming around full circle in his career after struggling.

I liked many pro wrestlers, but there was just something about the Warrior, his energy, enthusiasm, and always a positive attitude, rivaling Hulk Hogan at times.

He would come running into the ring, and immediately release a ton of energy going from corner to corner, flexing his muscles, shaking the ring ropes, and just when you thought he should be exhausted, he still had a match to complete.  He was the ultimate good guy.  And then the ultimate and inevitable happened, facing the ultimate good guy had to face the incredible good guy, Hulk Hogan, leaving many torn who they would cheer for.  I liked Hogan at the time, but I definitely cheered the loudest for the Ultimate Warrior.

As time went on, as often happens, the Warrior fell out with the WWF.  In the documentary a lot of that time is covered, but the focus is on the reunion of the Warrior and the WWF, because Hellwig is finally being inducted into the WWF Wrestling Hall Of Fame.

This is the most touching part of the documentary, because it allows us to focus on what would be realized as the most important part of his life, not wrestling and fame, but his wife and his two young daughters.  In fact, instead of having female models escort him out when announced during the ceremony like the other wrestlers, he was escorted out by his two daughters.

This is where the “peanut butter” gets stuck.  You hear Hellwig proclaim how important his daughters are to him.  And you also hear from the daughters, everything their father means to them.

Tragically, or as fate would have it,  Hellwig passed away from a cardiac episode, the day after being inducted into the WWF Wrestling Hall Of Fame.  As someone who faced his own imminent cardiac event, no one is aware of how quickly something can be taken away from you, and that you have no control when it happens, than me.

The ultimate father left behind two young daughters.

During this documentary, I found myself reflecting on my health and my relationships with my daughters.  Out of the six health incidents I have had, my daughters have personally witnessed three of them.  And as I struggle with the uncertainties from my cancer treatments over thirty years ago, this suddenness weighs heavily on my mind.  And then, there is a divorce that has left us living a huge distance apart.

As I heard Hellwig’s daughters talk about all of the things that they will always remember about their father, and not just the wrestling, I wondered, have I left as important an impression on both of my daughters, that they would remember me positively.

My daughters know me for being a “voice” for those who do not have one, whether it is health related, bullying, or any other advocacy need.  They know me for being a loyal friend.  There is no doubt that they know I am willing to fight for anything, especially my health.  I believe I have set enough of a moral example for them, of how they should want to be treated and respected, and likewise returned.  My daughters will have lots of fun memories, and I know will be able to proclaim their father was a great cook.  They will be proud of the things that I have written, and will always remember how my voice sounded in song.

But the most important thing I want my daughters to be able to say, reflects on my childhood, and that is, my daughters will always be able to say, regardless of the distance between us, I never gave up on them.  I did everything I could to see them and talk to them.  I stayed involved in their lives, including their education.  I cannot say that about the relationship between my late father and I.  And the same situation applies for many other parents, fathers and mothers, who have made the decision to walk away for whatever reason.  But my daughters will never know that feeling.  I am always a part of their lives.

I will be there when they graduate High School, and likely some form of continuing education.  Should they get married, I will be the one walking them down the aisle.  I look forward to holding my own grandchildren some day.

Yes, I grew up in a “broken” home, divorced parents.  I had no role model for a father figure, other than the parents of some of my closest friends.  But every now and then, I witness something that lets me know, that I must be doing something right, because I can recognize it.

And that is what this documentary did for me, help me to see, that I have been, and am doing things right, as best as I can.  Most importantly, living and doing as if there might not be a tomorrow.

Whether as the Ultimate Warrior character or as Jim Hellwig the father, he was known for some of his most wise thoughts.

“You must show no mercy…nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you…for your greatness will silence them all.”

“The most awesome thing I will ever do, is be your father.”

Like I said, the character of the Ultimate Warrior was my favorite, but he was such an inspiration and example of what a father should be, and how one should be remembered.  I want my daughters to be able to reflect on me similarly, but without the face paint and bulging muscles.

Finally, though not having to do with the Ultimate Warrior, but as I was going through these wrestling documentaries, it was during “The Resurrection of Jake The Snake”, another wrestler, and played a wrestling role in the “Peanut Butter Falcon,” that former wrestler Diamond Dallas Page, who played a pivotal return in Jake “the Snake” Robert’s recovery efforts, DDP spoke profoundly the following quotes that I want to share, and well, this post was perfect to include them on:

“The power you give yourself, by believing in you.”  And, “never underestimate the power you give someone by believing in them.”

See Mom?  Pro Wrestling ain’t all bad.  Sometimes some good comes out of it.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
22 Jul 2020

You Were Always There For Me


Well, this story was not supposed to take this long to come out, but as the organization that was supposed to publish it, got delayed because of Covid19, I have decided not to wait any longer.

So, this is a project that I do every year.  It is a short story piece that I write and submit for publishing.  This year I had decided to write about experiences with my late fur friend, but from his point of view.  I hope you enjoy it.

I want to thank fellow long term cancer survivor and author Lara Vaughan Lazenby for her help with this story.

 

You Were Always There For Me

Hi there.  My name is Pollo, pronounced like the cologne, but spelled like Spanish chicken.  I do not know why I was given that name.  But hearing it has always made me happy, and I heard my name a lot.

Paul always seemed to know what I liked, and what was best for me.  In fact, I knew I could always count on Paul.  There was this one time he took me swimming, because I really liked the water.  I was a really good swimmer too!  I think I had fun because all I remember of that day is one moment I was splashing away, and the next, I was running from this other person wearing a white coat, towards Paul.  His eyes were leaking.  I did not understand this.

Fortunately, I would remember everything else as I got older.  Like this one time, Paul went out the front door, but did not come back in, for six lights and darks.  This was unusual, because Paul never went anywhere without me.  We were buddies.  When he finally came home, I was so happy.  And I let him know it too.  My tail wagged so hard and fast, it knocked everything over within reach.

But there was something odd about Paul.  He did not seem like himself.  He actually smelled kind of funny.  I have never experienced that smell before – not from the house, the car, outside – very unusual.

Paul was happy to see me too, though he could have been a bit more excited.  Something was different about him.  When he would feel better, we could get back to normal and play.  In the meantime, I just sat beside him, stared up at him, with my head on his knee.  He had always taken care of me.  It was my turn to take care of him.

Another situation would happen again, only this time, strange men came into our house, woke us up, and then took Paul away on a bed with wheels.  It would be days before I would see him again, and he came home with that same odor.  I did not like that smell.

I could not understand why this kept happening to him.  We liked to play and have fun.  I missed that.  From what I could comprehend, Paul was sick a long time ago, and these events that kept happening to him were because of that.  The important thing… he kept coming back home.

And it was a good thing.  Because I found myself needing attention too.  Being a golden retriever, I loved to eat… everything.  This one time, I found this thing in the ground.  It was so yummy, but soon after, my head started feeling funny.  Then my stomach.  Paul had to take me back to those people with the white coats again.  And just like Paul, I came home.  Every time.  You see, I kept on doing it.  They were so yummy.

We both got older, although I feel like I got older more quickly.  Of course, my backyard habit did not help every time I ate those things.  Paul and I hung around the house a lot more than we used to.  I guess we each had our own reason.  I was happy to just sit next to him, or on him, and have him scratch my ears.  I really loved that.

We kept taking turns going away.  Paul seemed to do it a lot more, but he always came home to me.  He needed me.  He could depend on me.  And I could depend on him.

There came a time when things got really quiet in our house.  It was also more dark inside the house and outside.  Paul turned on lights making it brighter for him, but the funny thing was, it did not get brighter for me.  I could not get up the stairs anymore, so Paul made sure I had a comfy place to sleep downstairs not just occasionally, but all the time!  He always took great care of me.

One morning, Paul came downstairs right on time to let me outside.  He caught me by surprise, but I knew it was him.  I could feel it.  I stood up, stretched.  He opened up the door.  But I did not move.  I could not.  Just then, I felt myself being lifted… but in such a way that I felt as if I was being tightly hugged.  I could not see him, hear him, or smell him.  But I knew it was Paul.  We always took care of each other.  He always knew what to do.  I liked when he hugged me so tight.  But all I wanted to do now, was run again.  Now I can.  Paul made sure of that, just like he promised.

Posted in Animals, Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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