Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Family and Friends”

25 Feb 2013

A Page From Job


I had finally turned my screwed up life around, when I finally proposed to my girlfriend.  Somehow, somewhere, I screwed things up because my world came crashing down the day that I was told that I had cancer.  I was happy, “was” healthy,  taking care of “man” urges, all things were good.  Because of my then fiancé, I had also been attending church again.  After all, if we were going to be married there, the minister wanted to see us there more than just our wedding day.  He got his wish.

I put a phone call into his office, that I needed to speak to him urgently.  This man of the cloth called me back.  “I’m really busy right now.  The Advent season has just started so my schedule really doesn’t have any room.  I can make some time for you after the new year.  So, I am diagnosed with cancer, the one place that I turn to, my church, can’t make time for me because they are getting ready for Christmas.  Yeah.  I’m sure that my cancer will stop screwing with my emotions for the Christmas holiday break.

I have a quirk in me, that is 100% certain to react when an initial need is not acknowledged and dealt with in an appropriate manner.  Without guidance, I will seek out on my own, and the very first thing to embrace me, is where I will turn.  I had lived a shitty life for that past seven years, but I had turned things around, things were good, now they were shit again.  So my minister did not want to be there for me, I turned to my own bible.  I had heard of a character named Job who basically lost everything and blamed God.  Of course it was some deal between the Devil and God, but Job threw the blame at God.

Job lost his character, his family, his house, and his health.  Job cursed the day he was born.  God tries to set Job straight, and Job continues that his complaints are not only just, but never ending.  He hated his life.  Job speaks again of his innocence and then prays for relief.  Eventually he is convinced that his life will turn around with his faith, and it does.  I do not recall the length of time to get to that point, but I was definitely feeling like Job.  Later through the book, God makes his presence  firm saying that he would never turn away from children .

But when I got that diagnosis, I could help that feeling.  In one fell swoop to have just everything ripped out from under my feet.  Of course I saw the error of my ways, and though still not an openly publicly religiously practicing man, I do still have strong faith.  Or at least at this point, I think I do.  In spite of having the ultimate gifts in my life, my daughters, I find myself at a crossroad once again.  For nearly five years, I have taken one “punch” after another beginning with my emergency heart surgery.  Little by little, the assault on my life has been relentless and merciless.  At moments, I have been able to calm things down, just to focus and steer actions in what was hopefully the right direction, only to get sideswiped by yet something else.  For every action, there are three reactions or “side effects” that come my way.

Currently, I am staring down the “barrel” of  three additional actions that are anticipated to occur within this week alone.  And perhaps knowing that they can and most likely will occur is more stressful than having them sprung on you.  But the only part in my favor, under “normal” circumstance, normal is in quotes because my definition of normal is so understated, I adapt to crisis very well.  When I can anticipate, I can plan and prepare.  I can do better when I am not caught off guard.

This effort will no doubtedly be my biggest to date.  I apologize for the lack of details, not that publishing them is going to change anything.  I believe they will still occur, but until they do, I want to control or at least do what I can to control the circumstances, and the consequences.

Keep you arms and legs inside the car at all times, and wait until the ride comes to a complete stop before exiting.  Hang on, this is going to be a rough ride.

 

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends | Leave a comment
24 Feb 2013

Helping A Leopard Change Its Spots


I wrote a short while ago, about being a very picky eater.  At the time, the story was nothing more than just a bad habit that I had.  This is in spite of knowing so many people who have had to make lifestyle changes, or watching year after year of The Biggest Loser and Celebrity Fit Club.  Now, it is my time.  I do not have a choice.

I learned my bad dietary habit when I was young, like three years old young.  Prior to my parents divorce, I had been told that I would anything placed on my table.  But following that event, I then turned my nose up at just about everything.  I do remember from my earliest days, being strictly a meat and potatoes kind of kid.  It is not that I was into junk food either.  I just refused to eat vegetables.

In my teen years, my behavior only solidified,  but it was reinforced by situation.  Unfortunately, I found myself often fending for myself, and whatever my part-time after school job could afford, which basically was fast food.  And that behavior followed me into adulthood.  As I maintained a busy, on-the-road schedule, there was no time to sit down and eat, even think about what I was eating.

A battle with cancer, emergency life-saving open heart surgery, kidney stone, high cholesterol and blood pressure, by themselves would be reason enough to change my dietary direction.  But as I face yet more issues from late term side effects, these issues have a direct impact on the food I will eat for the rest of my life.  I have no choice at this point.

For the last several years, I have been experiencing a “swallowing” issue that results in a choking sensation when swallowing food.  Two years ago, it got to the point once it began to be too difficult to swallow even soft foods.  Desperate to get calories into me, instead of opting for nutritional drinks such as Boost or Ensure, I went for probably the worst caloric shot, Coke and melted Snicker Bars.  For at least two months, this is how I maintained my weight until the swallowing got worse and I adjusted to Cokes and milkshakes.  Then it happened, I could not even get them down without the choking sensation, even water was difficult.

An endoscope revealed some concerns, but nothing that was blatantly obvious.  It was recommended that I quit drinking soda, eat better, the works.  I am not sure what else was done while I was scoped, but my swallowing had been restored.  Late last year, it began to resurface.  More probing would reveal that I have now developed Barrett’s Esophagus and something called eosinophilis esophagitis.  In spite of being on PPI omeprazole, the acid content of my stomach was described by my doctors as “angry”.

So there are concerns with such a high acid content in the stomach, and the increased risks associated with having had radiation therapy, the biggest concern, esophageal cancer.  Barrett’s Esophagus can lead to esophageal cancer.  So now, everything is in my corner to have the best opportunity to at least attempt to prevent anything worse.  The doctors are hoping that the major change to my diet will correct and right things.

It may sound odd for a 40-ish year old man, to need to be told not only what to eat, but how.  but that is exactly what I will need.  I have to eliminate 95% of my diet, and substitute it with 100% of what I do not like to eat.  I cannot allow my weight to crash, or let malnourishment occur.  If I let this happen, as has happened on other occasions when I have pushed my body too far and too hard, I will crash.  In the past, I was able to do the quick boost of calories.  I appreciate the outpouring of suggestions to make the “horrible” food taste good to me.

Fortunately, my daughters have not picked up this habit.  They are both good eaters, and do what they can to get me to eat right, even resorting to the old “double dog dare”.  But for now, here is the current short list of things that will pass my tonsils (there is much more available, I just won’t eat it):

Bananas

Apples

Oranges

Watermelon

Pumpkin

Potatoes

Onion

Carrots

Sweet Potatoes

Lettuce

1-2% Milk

Egg Yolks

Chicken

Turkey

Tuna

Sea Salt

Cinnamon

Posted in Animals, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
21 Feb 2013
2 Comments

A Rough Day (Again)


I do not hide it.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I will admit to being calm, cool, and collected in times of crisis, and it is extremely rare that an emotion will be seen from me.  Whether I am sad, angry, happy, intrigued, disgusted, trust me, I will let you know.

As a cancer survivor and cardiac patient, I have an appreciation for all things concerned with the world of medicine.  I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on television, but experience has taught me so much.  In all honesty, I should probably go back to college, and get a medical degree.  I cannot say with certainty as I was never a medical student, but one thing that cannot be taught is empathy.  But it is both my empathy and my experience right now that cause me to have a heavy heart, broken if you will.

For the second time in several years, I found myself in a situation of not just a caregiver, but also clinician.  For the second time, I was able to diagnose and issue that had been overlooked, or willingly ingnored.  Because of the empathy and care that I gave, I do not believe there was suffering, but the ending was still so hard to take.  I spent so much time, so much care, so much attention.  And I know it made a difference.  I could see it every day with improvement, EVERY DAY.

Then I am told to stop what I am doing, that it is not right.  It could cause problems with outside officials.  But the problem is, I was never told.  Not that it would make a difference to me though I would walk right up to the line of insubordination, I would never cross it.  The judgement from keeping me perform my job to the best of my ability and humanity would then fall on the individual enforcing this unfortunate political move.  But they had been given too much credibility because of where each of us rank in society.  I know this for a fact.

So to keep from being punished, which has never been an issue at home or school as a child, nor as an adult, I had to immediately cease my efforts, which still would not provide a certainty that I would not be punished.

Today, I lost him.  He is in a better place.  Everyone knew this day would come.  All I tried to do, and succeeded, was make it better for him.  And simply because someone above me did not like it, he lost that quality of care the last couple of days of his life.

This sucks.

Posted in Bullying, Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Uncategorized

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