Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Family and Friends”

Holiday Memories – Santa’s Close Call


The Winter holiday season, while being one of the happiest times of the year for so many, especially children, and adults who take the meaning of Christmas to a whole new “Clark Griswald” level of Christmas, can also be some of the most difficult times for many.  And I am one of those.  In spite of what I had hoped for a turnaround with my “holiday attitude” once my daughters came into my life, my feelings around this time of year continue to struggle.  This is not to say that my holidays have been a complete failure at all.  It just means that I have a difficulty celebrating it either so early, or so extravagantly as many do.  But once the big day is here, I get through the day, with excitement thanks once again to my children, and then I go back to reality.  It has been this way now for nearly 40 years.  That’s right, I cannot even blame it on my cancer, which coincidently I was diagnosed with just before the Thanksgiving holiday twenty six years ago.  I cannot remember the last incident free holiday season going all the way back to 1976, on my 9th birthday this month, when my house caught fire from an errant spark of a match lighting my birthday candles.  From that point on, I dealt with one holiday death of a family member each year, or some other struggle, which took on a whole new meaning once I was diagnosed with cancer in 1988.

But as I said, I am not a total Scrooge or Grinch for the holiday.  I do have fond memories of Christmases gone by.  One memory that will always come first in my heart belongs to my oldest daughter, Madison.

Christmas 1

It was Madison’s first Christmas with us and it was going to be one that even at her age, she would appreciate the magic of Christmas and Santa Claus.  And I would do my best to make sure that it would be a very special Christmas for her.

December 2007 - 2

Yes, I did what many other Dads did for their children did and dressed up like Santa Claus.  But clearly, after insisting that she get some sleep, and not wait up for Santa, I had to have some sort of proof to her, besides the presents, that the big guy was in fact inside of our house.  And so, after we put Madison to bed, I went to work.  I put on nearly the entire outfit, red suit, beard, hat and then had my wife (at that time), take pictures and video of me, dressed as Santa, delivering gifts under the tree, eating the yummy treats that were left for me, and even stopped to have a little playtime with a dog who was always on Santa’s “nice” list.  My final stop, was into Madison’s room, to place one small gift under her personal tree (the amount of Christmas trees in my house is another post).  All of this was caught on film.  All I had to do is wait for the next morning for one excited little girl to find all the gifts left for her.  She wasted no time.

Of course I allowed her to open all of her gifts first before revealing that it was Santa who brought her the presents.  She was not disappointed.

Then we had the following conversation:

Dad:  Hey Maddy, you know Santa Claus was here last night right?

Madison:  Yes Daddy (very excited).

Dad:  Well, I had the camera set up to take pictures and video to see if we could catch him bringing your gifts.

Madison was very excited at that point and could not wait to see that Santa was indeed in her house.  Her smile stretched from one ear to the other as she watched the video of Santa putting the presents under the tree, eating the cookies and drinking the milk, and playing with our golden retriever Pollo.The still shots, like the one shown above, showed Santa in various positions inside the house as well.

Madison:  Daddy, why does “ho ho” (her name for Santa) have your sneakers on?

Yep.  I said I put “almost” all of the costume on.  I did not realize my camera person was going to focus on my shoes as well, so I did not put the black boot overlays on which would have hid my sneakers.  But the bigger point was this, from that point on, we realized just how attentive to details our daughter was.  You see, Madison, like many other small children, love to walk in their parents’ shoes, men’s or women’s.

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Yep.  She loved wearing mine.  And I took it for granted that a little girl, just because she was excited about seeing the big man in red, would not notice his surroundings.

Dad:  Well Madison, his boots must have been really dirty from climbing down the chimney and he didn’t want to make our carpets dirty.  He saw my sneakers, and must have put them on while he was in the house.

In ice hockey, we would call that one “an off-the-goal-post save”.

We still did the same routine every year after for a few more years, but those times, the camera was kept from the waist up.

As for Madison?  She still has those eagle eye skills for detail, and even just when she is on the cusp of not believing in Santa any more, she still holds on for one more year.

 

Happy Thanksgiving From Paul’s Heart


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Happy Thanksgiving to everyone following “Paul’s Heart.”  I am thankful for so many things in my life, and this blog is something I am not only proud of for the number of people I have reached, but am so thankful for all the support that has ever been offered.

This officially begins one of the busiest, expensive, stressful, and memorable times of the year.  For some, it is one of the most difficult times of the year to endure.  Many families are struggling financially or have suffered personal loss, and for some, this may be the first year that they are going through this holiday season under those conditions.

Others may be in situations that just seem outright sad, going through holiday struggles year after year.  “Paul’s Heart” had its origin twenty-six years ago when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  I have not had a “typical” Winter holiday season since, ever.  There has always been some sort of crisis, tragedy, or struggle to endure.  But that is what I do, I get through it.  I have to.  I have two beautiful little girls who depend on me, and enjoy the holidays.  They do not know why I have such difficulties with the holiday season.

I am not alone.  Many of my friends here are in a similar situation as me.  They are away from family and celebrating Thanksgiving with friends.  And no matter what the meal will consist of today, we will all make the most of our holiday today, and we are thankful for that.

There are actually meaningful football games to day, unlike years past, where a team just shows up to play on Thanksgiving.  At least four teams playing have playoff implications.  I know where my eyes will be glued tonight.

 

PART_1417100861070_Image1417100860969   GO SEAHAWKS!!!!

And then, in the wee hours of the morning, another new Thanksgiving weekend experience for me.

5 - On Our Way To China

I will be on an early morning flight to be reunited with my daughters.  This will be our second Thanksgiving since the divorce was filed, but this is the first one that I have been away from them so long.  My mother has made this trip possible for me, and for that I am very thankful.

As we approach the Winter holidays, all I want is for my daughters to know how much I love them, how much I miss them.  And just as my past visits with them, that is all they will be told.  I am keeping everything about the divorce from our conversations.  I know this is not easy for them.  And it would be even worse for them, if they knew how one parent treated the other.  The children love both of us and this season is going to be critical to the children if that love is to survive.  And just like every other holiday season, I do plan to get through it, and hope the next year will finally be the time I get to say “Happy Thanksgiving” without following the phrase with “but…”

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.  Girls, Daddy cannot wait to see you tomorrow.  I love you.

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A Theory Of Humanity


I do not usually do movie reviews, but not since “Brian’s Song,” has a movie/biopic moved me such as this film did.  I saw the movie, “The Theory Of Everything” starring Eddie Redmayne as Stephen Hawking, cosmologist, and also a patient dealing with ALS, also known as Lou Gerhrig’s Disease.

Eddie Redmayne

There is no spoiler alert with this post, because everyone knows that Hawking has defied the ALS survival rate by decades.  Originally given only two years to live in his college days, Hawking is now well into his seventies.  I am very well aware of Hawking’s credentials, but it is his life, living with ALS, that gripped me most while watching the film.

Over the summer, a craze went over the internet, called the “Ice Bucket Challenge,” meant to raise awareness as well as money to help find a cure for this awful motor neuron disease, where basically every muscle shuts down, except for one.  The brain remains functional and fully aware of what is happening to the body it is inside but no longer able to act or communicate.  I did not need the challenge to make me aware of ALS.

For the second time in as many years, I was dealing with someone close to me, fighting ALS.  And both would die from it, just a few years from their diagnosis.

December 2009 - 82

My brother-in-law Mike, pictured here with my daughters, was just diagnosed a few months earlier.  While the progression of the disease is cruel no matter how it occurs, it more often occurs in physical evidence like it did with Hawking, then progressing to the throat and mouth muscles.  It is at this point, when dealing with ALS is more critical, because once you are no longer able to swallow, the ability to receive nourishment is critical.  In my brother-in-law’s case, his ALS first became recognized by a simple slur in his speech.  Thinking perhaps it was from enjoying a favorite vice of his, Jack Daniels, it was not soon before we all realized, it was not.

Mike’s deterioration would accelerate over the next couple of years, much in the way the film depicted Hawking’s struggles.  It became difficult for Mike to grasp, walk, hold his head up, communicate, swallow, and the list goes on.  But throughout his battle, he did his best to continue on, working, taking care of his family, and riding his Harley.  But the disease continued to take everything away from Mike as he lost his physical abilities.  Finally, two years ago, ironically the day following a fundraiser in his honor, my brother-in-law lost his life.

The only other time that I had even heard of ALS before Mike and my co-worker (who passed the year before my brother-in-law) was decades ago, watching a black and white movie, called “Pride Of The Yankees” starting Gary Cooper as Lou Gehrig.

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The most touching part of the movie, after the disease, which would eventually be named after him, came when Gehrig announced his retirement, calling himself, the “luckiest man on the face of the Earth,” in the following speech (quoted from Wikipedia):

“Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.

“Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn’t consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with them for even one day? Sure, I’m lucky. Who wouldn’t consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert? Also, the builder of baseball’s greatest empire, Ed Barrow? To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins? Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today, Joe McCarthy? Sure, I’m lucky.

“When the New York Giants, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift – that’s something. When everybody down to the groundskeepers and those boys in white coats remember you with trophies — that’s something. When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter — that’s something. When you have a father and a mother who work all their lives so you can have an education and build your body — it’s a blessing. When you have a wife who has been a tower of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed – that’s the finest I know.

“So I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break, but I’ve got an awful lot to live for.”

Hawking

In the movie, “The Theory of Everything,” Hawking pretty much carried the same attitude as Gerhig, and my brother-in-law, he was not going to let anything stand in his way of proving “Time.”

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Near the conclusion of the movie, Redmayne quotes as Hawking, during a discussion about “giving up” takes place, says, “as long as there is life, there is hope.”

There were many of us in the theatre who probably took that ice bucket challenge, and many may have had no idea just how cruel the disease was except for a few of us.  But after watching this movie, there is no doubt that humanity now understands this rare, cruel, and fatal disease.  Hawking has defied the odds somehow, and is a true inspiration.

I anticipate many Oscars for this movie.

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