Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Family and Friends”

Shared Custody – Is Another State About To Do The Right Thing?


One of the best news stories to come across my news feed in a long time, is that it appears another state, is about to join many others in a major movement, making “shared parenting”, or 50/50 custody, the presumed position when it comes to figuring child custody.  In Pennsylvania, HB1397 was introduced on May 6th, which will hopefully be approved, making a long overdo correction to Title 23 of Pennsylvania custody law.

Title 23 breaks down to seven different types of custody, and unless both parents involved in the divorce can agree, the custody is decided by the judge via one of these seven types:

  1.  shared physical custody – the child gets equal time with both parents, just as the child had when the parents were still married
  2.   primary physical custody – one parent has a majority of the physical custody according to the calendar year (often referred to the custodial parent)
  3.   partial physical custody – one parent has a less amount of time with the child according to the calendar year (often referred to as the non-custodial parent)
  4.   sole physical custody – the most extreme custody, denying any custody of the other parent
  5.   supervised physical custody – the result of high conflict activity in the divorce or other legal issues with one of the parents
  6.   shared legal custody – both parents have the same rights to medical and educational records and appointments (only as good as the cooperation of the parents)
  7.   sole legal custody – as with the physical, an extreme ruling that takes away the rights of the other parent

As you can see, none of these take into consideration the rights of the child to have equal access to both parents.  What exactly did either parent do to the child, for the child not to have the equal rights to both parents in divorce, as when the parents were married?  The answer?  Most likely nothing.  The decisions are usually based on several other factors before the child’s needs.

  1.  attorneys that feed off of high conflict divorce resulting in rich paydays (many times averaging between $50,000-$100,000 just for the original order, not including modifications that become necessary)
  2.   proven or assumed risks to the child by a parent’s behavior (such as drugs, violence, etc.)
  3.   revenge by the parent on the receiving end of the divorce filing

Only one of those three things actually address the concern or safety of the child.  The other two are strictly selfish, and quite honestly, harmful to the child.

But under current guidelines, this is how decisions are made.  And it is up to the parent on the shorter end of the stick, to prove their worth to have any more custody time or rights, even when that parent has done nothing wrong.  The current law presumes only one parent should have the majority of the rights, even though in marriage, there were no issues.  And it is up to the other parent to fight to restore their rights… as long as they can afford to.

HB1397 in Pennsylvania will do what so many other states have done after realizing that children need both parents, even in divorce.  It will assume the rights to be equal for both parents as the starting point.  This is a win for the children.  It is a win for the many parents often on the end unable to see, or limited in time with their children.  Of course, those against, the lawyers who will lose money in less high conflict battles for custody, and parents who only seek to destroy the natural bond between the other parent and their child.

HB1397 is a start.  It needs to get passed and join the other states in this right for the children.  But two other issues that need to be addressed and gaining attention rapidly, co-parenting and parental alienation.

Co-parenting is literally what it spells.  It is raising the child in the same manner as when the mother and father were married.  It means making sure that a child (or children) are prepared for the switching of households from one parent to another.  Both parents are on the same page when it comes to medical care and issues of hygiene and puberty.  Co-parenting is continuing to raise the children with the same rules as they had always known, especially behavior.  Educational needs are still necessary to be supported equally by both parents, as well as family gathering or other special activities that both parents need to be, and should attend, whether school related or extra curricular.  And finally, the most important factor of co-parenting, communication.  Co-parenting is not one parent telling the other how it is going to be, but rather seeking input, for what they jointly feel is best for the child.  Communication makes sure that there are no scheduling conflicts, or issues that may get out of hand before the other parent is notified and involved.

Co-parenting is not trying to get an edge over the other parent for favorite status with the child.  Co-parenting is not seeking vengeance for the hurt of the end of the marriage.  Co-parenting is not about using the children to make the other parent suffer.  Co-parenting is not about finding ways to gain additional custody time, or worse, turn the child against the other parent.  Co-parenting is not about quizzing the child about the other parent, or asking the child to keep secrets.  Co-parenting is not using the children as messengers to carry conversations back and forth if the parents cannot do it themselves.  Co-parenting is not manipulating the child financially or emotionally.  Co-parenting is not eavesdropping on conversations.  Co-parenting is not notifying the other parent when an event or medical issue has taken place after it has happened.

HB1397 will hopefully pass.  This will also hopefully be the step forward to reducing the amount of conflict that arises in custody issues.  Yes, there will be situations that need to be addressed by the courts, but not at the expenses of the innocent parents who have done nothing to lose their parental rights, or the children to lose their rights to equal time with both parents.

Parental Alienation… that is a post of its own.

Dentists And This Particular Cancer Survivor


After everything that I have been through from the cancer to the many surgeries I have faced, there still lies one caregiver that stresses me out more than anyone, the dentist.  I cannot say when this irrational fear ever began.  To my memory, I had a good pediatric dentist who never hurt me, even when it came to fillings, making sure my head was spinning with plenty of nitrous oxide (laughing gas).

As an young adult, the only thing negative I can recall was the frequent desire of my dentist at the time to want to do “crown work” because of the wonderful dental benefits I carried at work because “you have the benefits, you should use them.”  It did not matter that I still had to shell out half of the payment that the insurance did not cover.

But I am going to skip ahead for a second.  Because it was my last dentist that actually helped me to get over this anxiety that I had, not just because it was normal and irrational, but this dentist knew that with the complicated health history following my treatment for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, dental work was as much an important part of my life as much as the follow up appointments with my doctors.

But it was a simple but determined act on her part, which turned things around for me, especially with my anxiety.  As I found myself cancelling multiple appointments in a row.  Not even my any of my doctors went to the extent that my dentist had gone, actually calling me, repeatedly, encouraging me to get in for an appointment.  Coincidentally,  she had convinced me to come in, just before I unknowingly would undergo my emergency bypass, caused by my radiation therapy treatments.

My dentist understood, that with me being asplenic (not having a spleen), hygiene and gum maintenance were important to maintain.  An odd fact that I learned was that many heart disease cases are discovered during or following dental appointments when bacteria from the gums ends up traveling through the bloodstream leading to cardiac episodes.  But at the moment, that was not even the main concern to her, it was dealing with my anxiety.  Three separate phone calls later, she had convinced me to come in, and together we talked about the anxiety issue.

A lot of that conversation would not have been forgotten following my heart surgery.  You see, it was at that time, it was discovered that my body had been progressively developing late issues from my cancer treatments.  Along with my heart, lungs, spine, muscles, esophagus, thyroid, and more, my teeth would also need to be taken care of more properly and thoroughly.  And my dentist understood this.  She understood the need for prophylactic care, like antibiotics that I would need to take before having any kind of work done to prevent infections.  And of course there was the structure of the teeth.  She was aware of these concerns because she continually learns of latest advances in care and patient needs.

Less than a week after my heart surgery, I broke a tooth.  And for the first time, a filling or crown would not take care of it.  My dentist immediately referred me to an oral surgeon, and the tooth was pulled.  It seemed no big deal to me as it was one of my back molars.  In less than a year, a second tooth would develop a problem, an abscess.  As a cardiac patient, this was the worst thing that could happen to me.  Under normal circumstances, a root canal is done, followed by placement of a crown.  Unfortunately, this was going to carry quite a price tag on it, and I was left with the decision to have my second tooth pulled.  It was no big deal… or so I thought it would be.  As the oral surgeon attempted to pull the tooth, it literally crumbled in his tool.  I could feel it, and hear it.

When I returned to my dentist, we had a detailed conversation that now included prevention, or at least an attempt to prevent any more lost teeth.  It seems the radiation therapy that I had received, the excessive amount of it, had spread from the area intended (no duh, like my heart as well), so not only did my jaw get exposed, so did my teeth.

Meanwhile, on social media pages for cancer survivors, this seemed to be an all-too-common issue for many.  One thing became obvious, prevention did not seem like a likely possibility.  Instead, the concentration needs to be on the corrective action, especially if the tooth must be pulled.

Unfortunately for me, I have no options available as far as root canals and crowns.  If a tooth cannot be fixed, it will be lost.  And it is how it is done that makes a difference.

For the average healthy patient, or the unknowing cancer survivor, dentists and oral surgeons are likely to recommend or require “hyperbaric oxygen treatments” to help heal the jaw bone.

To be honest, I know nothing about this part of a tooth extraction, other than I cannot go through this.  Forget the cost involved, because of another cancer treatment related issue, exposing myself to this option could cause even greater complications.  You see, one particular chemo drug I got, called Bleomyacin, even years and decades following, evidently plays a negative role in hyperbaric treatments in what has been described to me as sort of a “reactivation of the drug”, causing damage to the alveoli of the lungs, you know the little sacs, causing an issue with fluid, called pulmonary edema.  As a patient with as many health issues that I have from my treatments, I really do not need to add any more complications.

And as I faced yet another extraction, luckily all have been in the rear of my mouth, it was only after multiple attempts to find an oral surgeon who would either not force me to undergo the treatment, or have a different option.

Platelet-Rich Plasma therapy (PRP) is a process where blood is drawn from you, the plasma processed to be used, by injecting into the hole left from the vacant tooth, to help the bone heal.  It is an inexpensive process, and not only not time consumptive, but done in minutes following the extraction.  The tooth pulled, the PRP administered, and the healing begins.

The only other issue to consider, is whether to replace the space.  Again, having radiation damage, I do not have the option of either an implant, and well… a bridge would just be too expensive.  The implant is not an option, because of the risk of osteonecrosis.  This simply put, is an increased risk of the jaw bone breaking, as in placing an implant would likely cause this.  To be honest, I can put up with some lost teeth in the back of my mouth, but not really willing to risk any damage to my jaw.

I had originally planned a different post tonight, but on my social media pages, there was a lot of buzz about this issue, so I have put out what my experiences have been.  It is what it is as far as I am concerned.  It is all about managing what I have to deal with, and cosmetically, it means doing all I can to keep what teeth I have left (although I have been told there are likely three more that eventually will face the fate of the others that have come out).  But because I have learned to manage the anxiety I had about going to the dentist, I am able to face this particular late effect issue, unfortunately on as seemingly a regular basis as my check-ups.

And just like my other health issues I deal from the late effects of my cancer treatments, unless I tell you, or, at least as long as my smile does not show any differently, you will never know that I am dealing with this.

“Paul’s Heart” – 50,000 Views Strong!!!


Typically, people dread Mondays.  While I do not dread them, Mondays are not my favorite day of the week.  HOWEVER, today is a great Monday!  As the counter states, “Paul’s Heart” has had over 50,000 views officially this past weekend.  Among some of the other stats that I have completely not remembered, I have published 764 posts (765 including this one).  There are 252 more posts in draft form, and hundreds that are just prompts.  And then there are more than a dozen published stories and articles that I have share on this site.  So many readers have either commented or written me with questions, situations, seeking advice, or simply just to say, “yeah, I totally get that.”

Just some of the topics that I cover regularly:

  • cancer and survivorship
  • adoption
  • parenting
  • healthcare
  • discrimination
  • parental alienation
  • education
  • bullying

I am driven by the expression, “those who cannot do, teach.”  Because I am a cancer survivor, I cannot donate blood or organs.  Because of cancer treatments, I discovered the world of adoption.  I have taken on discrimination and won.  I do not tolerate bullying at all.

But my one goal with “Paul’s Heart” has not been met yet.  Actually writing a book.  I have begun the process many times, each with a different concept or approach.  The only conclusion that I can reach as to why, is that I have not experienced yet, that one key moment that will either be the beginning, the focus, or the conclusion of such an endeavor.

In the meantime, I will keep writing about things I cannot do, but can help.  I will continue to be a voice for those that do not have the ability or confidence.  I will research and find answers, point in directions where to find answers.

I will also keep looking for, and printing guest stories from you, the readers.

From the bottom of my most grateful heart, thank you to all of you who have read, shared, and appreciated “Paul’s Heart” over the years.

Paul

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