Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Cancer”

14 Mar 2024

20 Years In The Making


I have achieved many things in my life. I have survived many dire circumstances with my health. But there is one aspect of my life, that tops everything combined, being a Dad. And though March 14th is not a birth date, it became the date that would change who I was/am forever, the day I became a father.

Left unable to have biological children from side effects of my chemotherapy for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma back in 1988 (my radiation therapy gets a pass for this issue), and multiple failed attempts through fertility specialists, a decision had been made that if I were to ever become a father, it would be through adoption. While attending an information meeting on adoption, the influence from a newly adopted toddler named “Lily,” the decision was clear, adoption would by my only opportunity to become a dad. And “Lily” showed me it was meant to happen.

Adoption is a very difficult and serious decision to make, because in most cases, the adopting parents, and in some cases, a mother making a heartbreaking choice to place her child for adoption, are making a choice for someone who has no say in the matter. A child is born unto one parent, and then one day, is in the arms of another, likely never to see their birth parent(s) ever again.

There are two types of adoption, domestic and international. Though laws are fairly strict in the United States as far as adoption are concerned, there are chances that a birth mother could change her mind about the adoption, perhaps even years later. For this reason, and this reason alone, I did not want the heartache of having my child taken away from me, even if it was to return to the birth mother.

With “Lily”, I was introduced to the country of China, the last time I had heard about that country was as a senior in high school, so, a long time ago. My memory of what I learned back then came to the forefront, as China’s “one child” policy had resulted in the need to place many children into other families. And there were many families around the world, not just the United States who were more than happy to build their families partnering with China.

I was originally told to expect to travel March 17th, travel plans had been made. Then two weeks before travel, our date was moved up to March 13th. The adoption process had been halted for a number of months due to the SARS outbreak of 2004, and when international travel had opened again, news could not come soon enough that we would be travelling. Moving up the date made it even sooner.

This is an actual picture from the window of the flight that was taking me to my daughter. Upon landing in Hong Kong, all of us traveling were given even greater news.

Thinking there would be a couple of days before we would all get to meet our children, we were informed to get a good night’s sleep, as we begin the adoption process the next morning, meeting our children, and returning to our hotel with our new family members.

The date was March 14th, 2004. There are many things in Chinese culture that are considered lucky or fortuitous, the color red, lady bugs, and something called “the red thread.” This “thread” is actually imaginary but carries one of the most meaningful connections between those who “hold” that “thread”. And though that “thread” will grow and stretch, it will never break. March 14th already was special to me, my late grandfather’s birthday.

From that morning on, my life changed, taking on a whole new meaning, a whole new purpose. Every decision that I would make was now because someone else was counting on me. To refer to parenting as an “experiment,” is an understatement as I grew up without the typical “nuclear” family, the only thing I knew about fatherhood, was what I would have liked to have and did not, as my parents divorced when I was three years old. My only examples of parenthood came from school friends when I would visit their homes.

But when my oldest daughter was placed in my arms, I never gave another thought to what I missed out on, nor what I saw my friends have. The bond between father and child began at that moment for me, instantaneously. While there is a clear difference between giving birth to become a parent, and through adoption, the emotions of that moment where it begins are the same. It took no time at all for me to want to bring a sister into my daughter’s life.

And that moment came almost two years later. With two daughters, I officially became a “girl dad.” And I was the happiest man on the planet. I felt a purpose, a responsibility, every decision that I made in my life, would have either rewards or consequences that would impact my daughters. There was pressure to make sure as they grew up, that they would learn everything they needed to be a responsible and respectable adult. Priorities were morals and manners, of course schooling, responsibilities and decision making, all the while, being a kid. It is said that 90% of our time together, will be before our children turn 18 years old. And boy did I want to make that time count.

Unfortunately, divorce changed the track a bit, but I did everything I could to stick to the original plan. And unlike my childhood where I barely saw my father, technology made it possible for me to stay in contact with them as much as I was able to do so.

And now, here we are, 20 years later. Both of my daughters are in college, independent of their parents, making their own decisions, with so many more to come. But instead of being in the guidance position, I am now in the advisor role. My daughters face decisions and come to me for assistance as needed, things that I may see that they do not.

My health issues have been well documented on this blog, and during their childhoods, my daughters have been through all of them. They are just now learning about my cancer past which gives them understanding why I have the health maladies that I do. But for me, these 20 years have given me meaning, purpose, drive. With the things that I deal with, these years are not guaranteed by any means. However, I want more, many more years, many more experiences. And my daughters are the reason I will continue to fight for those years and my health. I could not imagine where I would be today without them.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
09 Mar 2024

Is There Really A Difference?


So earlier this week, I recognized my 34th year “in remission” of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (in quotes for a reason I will explain shortly). As you can see, that coincides with the “countdown” on my page, now just six years away from what I am considering my next major milestone in my cancer survival, 40 years.

But several who follow “Paul’s Heart” on my various resources like Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok, noticed something confusing, perhaps a typo, or had I calculated incorrectly.

My book is titled, “Paul’s Heart – Life As A Dad And A 35-Year Cancer Survivor.” But I am recognizing 34 years in remission. So which number is correct? Actually, both are correct. In fact, there is a third number to consider. And a cancer survivor would be correct to refer to any of those three to be honored.

The question gets asked often on social media, “what do you consider your ‘survivor’ date?” And honestly, it is up to the cancer survivor what they choose, with three options available; the date diagnosed, the official date of remission (will get into the technicality of this one momentarily), and the date finished with treatments.

I have many medical anniversaries that I recognize each year, of course not all of them good. I never forget those dates. One of those darker dates are coming up next month in fact. But as far as my cancer history, I do remember my actual diagnosis date, well, at least the time period, because I fussed around and delayed and denied getting diagnosed so long (I dedicated a whole chapter in the book to this behavior).

And without spoiling the book, I mentioned an “official” date of remission. This happens usually when “halfway” scans are done halfway through the treatment schedule. If doctors, the treatments, and body have all done according to plan, a patient may hear the word “remission” even before the completion of all of the rounds of treatments. This was an exact date for me. I remember that moment very well when I got that phone call. This announcement creates another situation, and very complicated at that. Patients hear “remission”, and having likely struggled through the treatments they already have gone through, seek to end the rest of the remaining treatments, something nearly all oncologists will recommend to ensure long term remission. As I remind those patients, there is a reason I have hit 34 years in remission, because I followed my doctor’s advice, knowledge, and skills, and finished my treatment plan.

Finally, there is the date that you take that last dose of treatment, whether radiation, or chemotherapy (IV or pill).

So why did I choose to recognize the third option, actually a lower number than years since my diagnosis? I mean, I could do that. In fact, many cancer organizations clearly state that a cancer patient is considered a survivor from the moment they are diagnosed, and that is regardless of the prognosis. For me, this was a time period I would rather forget. While I cannot forget having had cancer, nor would I really want to, I simply do not think about the “when it happened.”

As for when I was declared in remission, that is also a reasonable date to set, but I do not use that date. In the book, I mention I actually hit remission following radiation treatments, but soon after, new disease was discovered (not considered a relapse as it was not in the radiated field). So when I heard “remission” again, this time halfway through the chemotherapy, I wanted to make sure that I was in remission, and that meant waiting until taking my last dose, which happened to be a couple of pills for the last dose (so before anyone fact-checks on March 3, 1990 is indeed a Saturday, I took the last IV dose the prior Friday, February 23rd and had only the pills to finish at that point).

And on March 3rd, it was 34 years since those last pills were taken, what I consider my official “remission” date.

So then why does the book refer to me as a 35-year survivor? Well, because I can. And besides, from an optic angle, the title would have just looked weird saying “34-year survivor” and I did not want to wait another year to publish the book. It took me nearly four years just to get it done.

Whatever date a cancer patient chooses to recognize and celebrate, is up to them, as are their reasons. But no matter if one year, five years, ten years, thirty, forty, or fifty, being a cancer survivor is a big deal. Many of us talk about not wanting cancer to define us, but we definitely find out a lot about who we are, and find out a lot about those around us. And every year that follows is a great one.

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
18 Feb 2024

Debunking Three Myths


Up until a couple of years ago, there was a popular game that teens played among each other, as my daughters often challenged me to the game. It was an interesting concept, though I disagree with the one premise, the game did provide something valuable, an opportunity to learn about an each other. It was called “two truths and a lie.” This game is considered an “ice breaker” or conversation starter, and found not only in schools, but also in media such as Parade Magazine, even the Ellen DeGeneres show. You simply state three things, but two of those must be the truth, and the third must be a lie.

As a parent, I thought I had a pretty good edge with my daughters in this game, clearly knowing more about them than they themselves. It turns out that they were pretty good at finding things to tell me that I might be unaware of, one of the favorite topics, food choices. My youngest daughter was real good at getting me on that one.

So with that explanation, these are two of my truths, and one of the myths (I prefer to use myth as opposed to a lie because this is not something I say or believe, but rather what others believe.

  1. I love to attract drama.
  2. I am a shy person.
  3. I am a private person.

Now if you have followed “Paul’s Heart” long enough, it might actually be difficult to tell. But the fact is, two of these things are actually true about me, while the third, is more of a manifestation or a means for someone to justify how they feel about me as a person.

This first one really baffles me.

I have been told by a few people, that I “love to attract drama.” While I have had my share of intense events in my life, I certainly have never gone looking for them. When I ask for examples of the drama they refer to, I hear crickets chirp. I guess they must be comparing their lives to mine as far as things going on. They must be fortunate not to have anything nipping at their heels constantly. And for that, they feel I must go looking for trouble. I don’t.

I will admit however, that I have an unusually calm demeanor in dealing with crisis after crisis. But do I go looking for drama? Absolutely not. This is just one misconception that some people have expressed to me. I can say for certain, that when I face a crisis, I have a defense mechanism that kicks in, removing all emotions, allowing me to think rationally, recognizing that any kind of escalation in my emotions would likely make the situation worse. And so, I do not make it worse. I simply give myself time to think things out clearly and with direction. Ironically, I am a horrible chess player, but in life, I am able to think several steps ahead. But I definitely do not need to add anything more to my schedule demanding more attention of me.

I really do consider myself a shy person. Merriam-Webster defines “shy” as “timid, tendency to avoid, hesitant, or reserved.” Though I express myself through writing, speaking, and other performances, it is the individual one-on-one conversations that I can struggle with.

Through my school days, I kept to myself, often intimidated by the friendships that others had amongst themselves. Constantly moving during my school days did not help me to establish new friendships, only to move again as soon as I would finally get comfortable. As a co-worker, after some time and effort, I found myself being able to interact with moderate comfort. But really? Anywhere that I had a boundary, physical or mental, between me and someone else, is when I felt my most confident and functional. That became obvious as a radio disc jockey in my younger days, in a closed soundproofed room, broadcasting on the radio, no one looking directly at me. Recently, I had a former classmate call me out on social media following a post response which I considered quite neutral and factual, them stating aggressively and actually quite meanly, that I was still the same as I was in high school, still a “&(%*%” (fill in with any derogatory remark). Before I blocked any further access to me from them, I did make sure that those on that particular page were aware, that while I recognized the name, I never knew this person. I literally basically “hung” with maybe a handful of close friends in school. This person and I had never crossed paths because I was so shy.

But my biggest challenge came when I decided to run for a public office, our local school board. I did not prepare myself mentally, that campaigning was more than just saying “I’m running for school board.” I knew that I would have to give speeches, which I was okay with, because there would be separation between me and the audience. My problem came, when my campaign wanted me to attend “meet and greets” (candidates get the chance to mingle among the voters individually), and I was petrified. As a slate of five candidates, running for the five open slots against the five incumbents, I felt invincible. I had others behind me able to bail me out of any situation that I was getting boxed into. Not being a “politician”, I was not prepared for stumbling blocks that could be thrown at me. While I am a big “eye contact” person when I talk to someone, I found this to be a big problem when the eye contact was not returned.

After all of the speeches I have given, articles and stories that I have written, and other performances, I know that I can handle myself in public situations, but I still consider myself a shy person. This is a major challenge for someone trying to promote a book.

I am actually a very private person. I can hear the “I call bullshit” on this one from many. But I really am a private person, or at least, I want to be. And up until my diagnosis of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I definitely can affirm that I was a private person. There is one thing that prevents me from that privacy that I make the choice to live by. 

When I finished my treatments, I promised myself that I wanted to give back for the gift of life that I had been given. But as many cancer survivors know, because of treatments, I do not have the option of some of the more popular things I could do, such as give blood or donate organs. I wanted to help. I wanted to inspire. I want to give hope. To do this, that means I have to “share” my experiences, and if you have followed “Paul’s Heart” long enough, I am really quite transparent, some times to my own detriment. This advocacy that flows through my blood, would branch out to other issues such as patient care, cancer survivorship, adoption, public education, and of course, divorce related issues in regard to children. If I were not in the position I am in today, I would definitely prefer to going back to being a private person.

I am going to throw in a bonus truth. In spite of all of the difficult things that I have faced in my life, and continue to deal with, I really am a positive person. Sure, my cancer history, my divorces, and several other things that I have faced, are quite the downers. But I persevere. I come through every time, because I believe I will. All too often, many have counted me out, actually, they depended on me tapping out and quitting. But I don’t. Yes, I have many health issues that consume my attention. Of course, I missed being with my daughters during the divorce period as much as I was prior to the divorce. There are many things that I deal with as an advocate, and yes, they are difficult. But that does not make me a negative person because I make a choice, to deal with everything head on and to support others. I truly believe that things work out the way that they are intended to work out. And as long as I wake up tomorrow to do it all again, that sounds pretty positive to me.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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