Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Cancer”

Heartversary #16 – Part 1


Of all the anniversaries that I recognize, good or bad, this one is always the hardest for me to deal with, and of course it is a bad one, of which I had many. But on this date, sixteen years ago, my mortality was being recognized, and I was only 42 years of age. Now before I get to the meat of this post, I’m going to put upfront, the lesson of this post, in case anyone jumps off at any time later on in the post. And this is very important.

To be clear, if you are exhibiting any of these symptoms, it does not mean that you are having a cardiac event, such as a heart attack, but it is important enough to let a doctor figure out if you are or are not. Call 911 immediately, and let the doctor decide what is happening. So here are the most common symptoms:

  • any kind of discomfort, pain, or tightness in the chest, especially the left side
  • extreme pain in the arm (again the left side), back, or neck
  • excessive sweating, cold sweats
  • shortness of breath
  • nausea, dizziness, vomiting
  • severe heartburn, indigestion

For women, there are a couple of extra things that women may experience as a sign of a cardiac event, stomach pains and fatigue.

Bottom line, if you are experiencing any of these symptoms, it does not mean you are having a cardiac event for certain, but you need a doctor to determine if you are or not. And timing could not be any more critical, with any delay, potentially being lethal. I should know. Not just in my case, but with at least four other long term Hodgkin’s survivors who reached out, with symptoms similar to what I had experienced back in 2008, I convinced them to get help, and it saved their lives as well.

So on April 15th, when I saw my family doctor, complaining of a chest tightness that I had been experiencing for several weeks, a temporary symptom that lasted less than a minute, with an escalating heartbeat up to 150 within that same minute, my doctor had a hunch. And based on my health history of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and the treatments I received, she ordered a nuclear stress test to be completed, the next day in fact. Take note, if she had asked me to get that test done on my own, it likely would have taken months to get the appointment. She got me in the next day. This post might otherwise have not gotten written.

With that, here is how April 16th, 2008 went for me. I arrived at the medical building in my sweatpants and t-shirt, sneakers, a bottle of water, and definitely hungry as I was told to fast the night before. I was also told to avoid caffeine, not an issue as I do not drink coffee.

I was escorted back to a lab-type area, where an IV was put into my arm. A radioactive isotope would be injected for the purposes of seeing the blood flow to my heart with a special x-ray type of machine, referred to as a “gamma camera” to complete the study. Once injected, I was escorted back to the machine, and a series of photos were taken. This would be the “at rest” or “no stress” photos of my heart.

After the photos were done, I was taken back to another room, an exercise type room, obviously because it had a treadmill in it. I laid down on an exam table, while a dozen leads (for the EKG that would be followed) were attached to my chest. Then it was up on the treadmill.

I must admit, while I was not looking forward to the symptom that I knew was going to happen to me, and no doubt would happen this time, as all three techs in the lab were female, and I could feel a bit of machismo that I needed to “man up” and do well on this test, not look like a wimp.

Then the test was explained to me. The treadmill would increase every three minutes as well as the incline. I do not recall how long the test was supposed to take, nor did it matter. In less than four minutes, the test had been stopped, clearly I had not gone as far as was supposed to. I was asked to sit down on the exam table and rest. While I was indeed having the symptoms I was always experiencing, it did not seem that they were concerned about those, but rather they spotted something on my EKG. Something was happening.

(it needs to be noted – later on, years later, this condition, an inverted T-wave would frequently get extra attention, often times, my advocating that it need not be of concern according to my normal cardiologist).

I was escorted back to the first lab, where another dose of the isotope was injected, and then back to the x-ray machine. Once that was done, it was back to the reception room, to wait for the results.

Comedian Bill Engvall has a trademark bit where he makes jokes about the obvious, with “here’s your sign.” Well, once seated, I saw a pattern develop, people who came in for their appointments after my arrival, leaving the office before me. They were getting their results before mine. Here was my sign, something was wrong. And then a nurse came out with a folder in her hand, “if you would step this way,” she led me to an exam room. She told me the cardiologist would be in to see me shortly. A cardiologist? What? If you read my book, “Paul’s Heart – Life As A Dad And A 35-Year Cancer Survivor,” I had a similar experience when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s. Why was I seeing a cardiologist?

(the actual report from my nuclear stress test)

Dr. S walked into the exam room, a young and pleasant demeanor. “Mr. Edelman, I’m Dr. S (I am not using the full name intentionally). I’ve looked over your nuclear stress test, and well, I don’t usually say this, but I’m 100% certain that you have a blockage somewhere.” He then proceeded to show me the images that were taken before and after, and I did not need a medical degree to see the color that was my blood flowing through my heart before the exercise, and the lack of color, a.k.a. no blood, going through my heart once the test was interrupted. “The good news is, you are right here. I want you to go next door, to the cath lab, they are waiting for you. We will pop a couple of stents in you, and you will be good as new within a week.” A “cath” is a procedure, less invasive than open heart surgery, where they go up a vein or artery in your leg, in this case, to place a stent where they suspect a blockage. Sounds easy enough. Right.

Again, referring back to my book, and this issue I have with denial and bargaining (referring to Kubler Ross’s stages of grief). This was no different.

“Ok Doc. I understand. But look, here’s the thing. I have a wedding that I am DJing this Saturday that I need to do. So, let’s do this Monday morning. I promise I’ll be here.”

“Mr. Edelman, I don’t think you do understand (cue the dramatic music, duh duh duh). You have a blockage that could quite possibly cause a heart attack at any moment. Your heart is not getting the blood it needs.”

Ok. He really had my attention. That did not deter me. “Ok, but here’s the thing, I need to go home to explain to my family, especially my daughters what is going to be happening. I know you have me scheduled tomorrow morning. Can I just come in first thing? I just want to go home and get some things taken care of that need to be, before I am laid up.”

Dr. S agreed to it. “Fine, but just relax tonight. Nothing strenuous.”

“No worries Doc. I will. I just plan on mowing my yard which is very relaxing for me.” He looked at me like he wanted to give himself a facepalm in disbelief. “No. Are you an idiot? I said relax, that means nothing. Sit. Lay down. Do NOTHING!”

The message was finally received loud and clear. And I went home to explain what was just discovered, and what the plan would be. I had dinner, then went to bed after putting my daughters to bed. I did nothing strenuous. I had a big day the next morning.

The Mind Of A Cancer Survivor


This post has been sitting in my head for quite some time now. It became impossible to sit on any longer, though I needed to hold out one more day. Yesterday was my oldest daughter’s 21st birthday, and I wanted yesterday to be her day. Because yesterday was all about her milestone, not mine.

Yes, with my oldest daughter turning twenty-one years old, that is another milestone of mine, as a cancer survivor, that I have reached, that I really never thought I would see the day. But as happy as I was for my daughter, there have been so many thoughts running through my head, that I cannot control, just how lucky I truly am, to have reached another milestone, of many already reached.

The meme pictured above came across my feed today, and the timing and the wording could not be more perfectly said. Over the years, I have made reference to “survivor guilt,” which many mistake me for feeling guilty that I survived cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is the guilt of why others have not been as fortunate as me. Please understand, and I am going to shout it, “I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT I AM STILL HERE AND THERE IS SO MUCH MORE THAT I WANT TO DO AND EXPERIENCE!” But my guilt and sorrow is for those who never got out of remission, developed other complications or other cancers and passed away, and other survivors whose bodies simply could take no more.

As the second part of the meme states, “Holy Shit!” every day is a reminder what could be gone tomorrow. And as my daughter celebrated her 21st birthday, actually her second birthday outside of the US, she was celebrating with friends and I could not be more happy for her. I celebrated her birthday going through old photos of her, her younger sister, and myself.

You see, neither of my daughters were around when I battled my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. It would be more than a decade before I would even get my chance at parenthood. But being in long term remission, I really did not consider parenthood a milestone. I was done with cancer. I was “over it” as many people wanted me to move on with my life after cancer.

But four years after my oldest daughter was adopted, and two years after my younger daughter was adopted, my world of cancer survivorship, eighteen years after that I thought I was done with cancer because the doctors even told me so, my cancer past came crashing to the present. I was dying. I was not aware of that, but following the emergency double bypass I had to have for “widow maker” damage to my heart, with a blockage of 90% of the LAD (left anterior descending artery), my cardiologist put it bluntly after the surgery, “it was not a question if, but when” I was going to die.

There it was, the first event that nearly took my life from my daughters. I will recognize that day next month, sixteen years ago. So my heart got fixed, that should be the end of the story, right? Unfortunately not. You see, what my oncologist (cancer doctor) was unaware of back in 1995 (my five year milestone Hodgkin’s-free), that the radiation therapy and chemotherapies that I underwent, had the potential to cause progressive and lethal situations. It turns out the scientists knew about it. They just never passed it on to the doctors.

But nearly four years later, I was carried out of my house on an ambulance stretcher at 3am, again, dying. I had developed sepsis, a fatal infection. I was unaware of what was happening, felt fine even as I went to bed that night. I had developed something called “aspiration pneumonia”, which without getting too technical, was caused by me unknowingly inhaling gastrointestinal “stuff” into my lungs while I was asleep (another complication due to radiation). Sepsis had developed, and without the correct and fast treatment, I would have died. Again, this is where the story should have ended, but it did not.

I had another round of aspiration pneumonia nine months later. All the while, remember me mentioning about the “progressive” side effects from my treatments? They were still doing their things. But here is the kicker. Because of the risks of doing anything to correct any other issue being more risky than doing nothing, the situations needed to be as dire as the other events I had gone through. I had to hear the words “severe” for any issue to get corrected. I often refer to my body as a human ticking time bomb. The good thing is, I have been watched by many doctors, participating in a “survivorship clinic” setting. This is where doctors exist that “get it” when it comes to following up the needs of cancer survivors that too many other doctors still do not get. So all these different doctors that “watch” me decide when it is time to do something, in other words, yep, death or some other serious issue is impending.

Case in point, 2019, I needed to have the RCA (right coronary artery) stented, because back when my bypass was done, that cardiologist felt the RCA would get better on its own. It did not. Then in 2020, my left carotid artery had finally reached “severe” status, scorched by radiation damage as well, and the risk of a stroke was now a reality if not corrected. Next, in 2021, my aortic valve had reached a “severe” status from the calcifications from radiation damage needing to be replaced.

Is there more? You betcha! But you get the idea now how the second part of that meme plays out. And the truth of the matter is, any of the events that I mentioned, or any of the many that I did not mention, any of those could have led to me missing what I consider some of the most important milestones of my life, in my daughters lives. And for sixteen years, that is what both of my daughters have known. It has become a “given” by my daughters, that any health challenge I face, I will get through it, because that is all that they know.

But I know something that they do not. Time is not my friend. You see, all of the things that I have had corrected, because the progressive issues from my treatments are still at work, will need to be redone again some day, and possibly some other new issues develop, because they have had time to do so. The question is, will my body handle second attempts or the new things that develop. For some of my survivors who faced similar situations, their bodies could take no more. And for some, they were not even aware of anything when their survivorship came to an end. With my daughters still so young, they have not been introduced to that stage of my survivorship yet. But that time is soon coming.

Look, I know this post is probably one of the heaviest posts anyone has read from me in a long time. As my daughter was celebrating twenty-one years, I could not help but, because my brain betrayed me that way, reflect on the many things that almost kept me from seeing their school graduations, birthday milestones, and so much more.

I will leave you with this. I really am a positive minded person. It is a disservice to me as a friend to tell me to “just get over it,” or “just be positive” because my body and my cancer survivorship dictates otherwise. But I do go to bed each night, expecting to wake up the next morning, and do the things I have planned tomorrow. And there are many more tomorrows that I want, college graduations, weddings, grandchildren, so that means I will continue to let the doctors do what they need to help me reach those further milestones. But ultimately, I have no say in tomorrows. I have learned that from other fallen survivors.

Yes, I am grateful for surviving Hodgkin’s Lymphoma thirty-five years. I am grateful having survived all of the medical side effects that I have faced. But I also realize, that at any moment, as I am constantly reminded, I could also miss the next milestone. This is what cancer survivorship is to me. I am making the most of my years as I can.

Is It Lack Of Value, Or Lack Of Priorities?


There is a comment that I have come to learn to despise in recent years, especially during the pandemic. “At least they died doing what they enjoyed. They didn’t live in fear.”

(photo courtesy of Katelyn Mathe and North Penn Now news service)

An article came across my news feed a week ago. Two nineteen year-olds were charged with homicide by vehicle among other charges, stemming from the two racing and killing a 62 year-old woman. These are the photos of the killers.

(photos of these two courtesy of Montgomery County District Attorney’s Office and North Penn Now news service)

These two punks, now killers, were racing their cars on a main highway. I am from the area, so I know where the accident occurred. Which makes the next factor for me to have read, seem impossible. The car that impacted the innocent victim, had been travelling 110 miles per hour, twice the speed limit, and like I said, impossible for me to imagine anyone travelling that fast on that road. This was confirmed by an airbag module in the killer’s car. The other punk, was recorded at 95 miles per hour.

They were doing what they enjoyed, even though it was illegal, besides unsafe, and an innocent 62 year-old woman is dead. Pretty sure she did not enjoy her ride, wherever she was headed.

This is not the first story to grab me like this, and piss me off. We had an accident locally in the last couple of years (actually violent accidents happen a lot here, but that is another story). The was a one car accident that killed a teenage driver. It turns out, he too was racing his car, of course illegal, travelling a high rate of speed, crashing into a tree when he lost control. His one parent reported, “he really loved racing his car.”

And of course, during the Covid pandemic. We had a new virus, no vaccine, no treatment, and contagious as hell, and lethal. But many took the recommendations and eventual required precautions as an afront to their rights and liberties to enjoy their lives, that it should be up to them, to be able to go about their business, risk their health, whatever happens happens. And if Covid got them, at least they were doing what they enjoyed. One local business flat out defied government orders to prevent mass infections, remaining open for all to gather and party as if nothing was happening. I knew of at least two patrons who went there, and died suddenly and mysteriously soon after that. Given that they were only in their forties, and where they were previously, it was likely Covid.

Then you take someone like me, in fact thousands of others like me, dealing with late side effects from our cancer treatments decades ago. There are a lot of things we would like to do, and speaking only for myself, it is not about what I enjoy, but rather what I still want to experience.

During the sixth month of my chemotherapy, during the Winter, I asked my oncologist if I could go skiing, concerned if my body could handle the physicalness of the activity. He said that I could, but cautioned me, that because of how warm I would dress, being Winter, I would likely sweat a lot, and this of course could result in me getting sick. And if I got sick, that would have the potential to delay my next treatment. Which that is the last thing any cancer patient wants to happen. So contrary to how some people react, I was just “living in fear,” no, I wanted my treatments to end when they were supposed to. I could skip skiing one year. It was worth it to me.

That was not the only time I have been in that position. Of course, I have documented my issues with my heart, courtesy of my treatments, which of course has kept me from doing things that I enjoy, such as amusement rides and various other recreational activities. Again, the chants of “living in fear” attack, but given that I am still young, yes at 58 years old, I should still have a lot of years left, I have so much more that I want to experience, that are more important than any kind of recreational activity I wish I could do. But the risk of a fatal cardiac event taking away what I want to experience in my life, is not living in fear at all, it is about what is important.

Somehow, I have cheated death through my survivorship more times than I want to count, and I am still here. I have two wonderful daughters that I have been able to see grow to adulthood from infancy, during some of the most serious of my health issues. They are now in the next stage of their lives and it is amazing to watch. And some day, if they choose to get married and have children, I want to be around for that.

So if that means that I need to avoid certain risks, regardless if they are something that I enjoy, I am not doing it out of fear, I do it for the love of my daughters, so that they do not have to deal with grieving the loss of a father well before it should be time. Yes, I still practice the Covid precautions because they matter to me. I miss certain social activities for sure, but my long term goals with my daughters far outweigh any temporary satisfaction I would get from karaoke or going to see a rock concert.

I guess that is a clear difference between the thought process of a 58 year-old man and two teenage punks, whose lives are now officially over. They loved to race their cars. They killed an innocent woman. They did what they enjoyed. Hope it was worth it to them. I am sure they could have had much different lives had they thought about their futures and how much more valuable that would have been to them.

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