Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Cancer”

22 Dec 2016

What Do I Want For Christmas?


I am fairly certain, as a child, I made a Christmas wish list.  I do know it never went to “Santa”, though up until I turned eight years old, I received presents from the fat man in red.  The next year, I discovered who Santa really was, and that ended the gifts from him.

I still really had no aversion to Christmas, though clearly I never really celebrated it with all the glitz and commercialism.  I most certainly never celebrated the day for what it was supposed to matter to me as a Lutheran.  But in 1988, when I got diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I certainly seemed to know where to direct my anger.  In 1988, I never wanted to hear the word Christmas ever again.

Things were different for me in 1989, though I was still in the middle of my chemotherapy.  The anger was gone.  And scans had shown the chemotherapy was working.  And then I said it, “all I want for Christmas is for this to be over with.”  This is truly the first thing that I can remember ever asking for, for Christmas.

For the next decade and a half, I would never ask for anything for Christmas again.  I would participate in Christmas activities, such as attending parties, going to Christmas Eve church service (one of the two times a year I would attend Church), and even decorate, quite extravagantly.  Some say I aspired to be Clark Griswald with some of my outdoor displays.

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While I did not particularly care for Christmas any longer, I did not want to ruin it for anyone else.  That would change with the arrival of my daughters.

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I still did not ask for anything for Christmas, but at least I felt my heart get back into the spirit of Christmas.  And I found myself once again, getting involved with the religious part of the holiday by once again attending the Christmas Eve service with my daughters.

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And seeing how much Santa meant to my children, I did everything I could to protect their enjoyment of the holiday, dreading the day that they too would discover that Santa was nothing more than a “belief”, or spirit.

Every year since my daughters were adopted, I would put on a Santa suit, and video and pictures would be taken of me placing gifts under the tree, eating the cookies and drinking the room temperature milk, just to have something to actually show Santa had come.  I even played with Pollo, our golden retriever.

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And that is where the cover was almost blown.  As both of my daughters were excited to see Santa had come, and what he had done, my oldest daughter at age 3 could not help but notice one glaring concern with Santa.  No, not that Santa forgot the belt, but “look Daddy, HoHo’s wearing your sneakers!”  I would make sure to put the black overlays on from that year on.

But while I always encouraged my daughters to write a Christmas wish list to Santa, their requests were always modest, nothing outlandish.  And this they did on their own.  Neither daughter had been raised to be materialistic.  And neither daughter has ever asked, “is that all there is” following the conclusion of opening gifts.  And I continued to not ask for anything for Christmas.

Well, as usual, the question has been asked of me again, by so many, “what do you want for Christmas?”  This year, I actually have one thing I would like.  Last year, during the Christmas break, my children visited me.

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That to me was the best gift they could have ever given to me.  And so, that is what I have asked for again this year.

The funny thing is, in conversation with my daughters the other night, my youngest had mentioned that she wanted to buy me something for Christmas.  But my oldest was very quick to chime in, “our going to visit Dad is his Christmas gift.”  I am so proud of my daughters as it is, but my oldest hit the nail right on the head.  She knows me well enough, to be with them once again, is all I want for Christmas.

See you soon.

Merry Christmas everyone.  Happy Chanukah.  And Happy New Year.

 

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
18 Nov 2016

28 Reasons To Be Thankful


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This time of year is always difficult for me.  One would think that after all this time, it would not be such a hard time.  But I can actually cut my life in half, as if I had led two distinct different lives.

I have written repeatedly that I am not a big fan of holidays, especially when they are clustered together as the Winter holiday season of Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day.

It was 28 years ago, the week before Thanksgiving, that I first heard the words “Hodgkin’s Disease,” cancer.  And there was no reason for me to having been given that news.  I was happy.  I was healthy.  Never really gave much thought about anything.

But as I grew frustrated about a health issue, the stronger the denial.  What started out as a “common cold”, led to an increasing pain that I felt was sports related (major denial), was eventually diagnosed.  Were it not for a friend/coworker, who referred me to a doctor to get my “sports” injury looked at, I would never have been steered in the direction that I needed.  Six second opinions later, it was finally diagnosed.  And so, the holiday season of 1988 became one of anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and into the new year of 1989, acceptance.

The holiday season of 1988 was taken away from me by cancer.  And while I often feel this resentment and occasional anger each year, there are clearly things that I have to be thankful for because of what happened during this time period.

I am very glad that I did not punch Dr. G in the face that day that I got the diagnosis.  Things would have turned out much differently had the law gotten involved.  And honestly, it was not his fault for giving me the bad news.  It was his job no matter how wrong I felt he was looking at the wrong chart.  Talk about denial.

I am thankful for the 28 years I have experienced, okay, maybe not the bad times, but definitely the good.  My life has been touched by so many over the years, because of cancer.  And my life has touch others as well.  I have met hundreds of other cancer patients and survivors over these 28 years.  And we are all there for each other.  Just like the Geico commercial says… “if you want to save 15% on your car insurance, you go to Geico, it’s what you do,” just like for us cancer survivors, it is what we do.

I am thankful for the acts of discrimination that I faced.  First, being discriminated against for employment lit a huge fire under my behind, to never let anyone tell me that I could not do anything just because I had cancer.  Second, being discriminated against for health and life insurance, because of being too much of a risk.  Well guess what losers!!!!  You saved me 28 years worth of investment in your loser companies because I am still here!  And you did not get my money all this time.

I am thankful that after nearly three decades, I have seen so much progress in treating Hodgkin’s that my treatments are no longer used except as a last resort, reducing the risks of developing late effects like myself and so many others have to deal with.  And also, though progress is slow, at least patients are now being followed more closely during and after treatment, but there is still too much that needs to be done.  But there has definitely been progress since 1988.

I am thankful that I got the chance to be a father to two of the most beautiful and thoughtful daughters a man could ever have call him “Daddy.”

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And 28 years later, I am thankful to each and every one of you in my life.  Whether you were in my life before I was diagnosed, there when I was diagnosed, or even just joined me last week.  You are all a part of this big puzzle I call my life.

Though I struggle with my emotions at this time of year, I never, NEVER take for granted what my survivorship has meant to my family, my friends, or myself.  But if it is alright with you, I would just prefer to be thankful.  I do not need a holiday to remind me of that.

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
14 Nov 2016

“Sick” Of Selfies?


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Perhaps nothing causes greater criticism than someone who posts a “selfie” and explaining that they are dealing with an illness.  Many people, get frustrated enough, that they take the action and “unfriend” someone just because they do not want to see posts that relate to someone being sick.  And while, posting every blink of an eye or sneeze may seem like way too much information, there just might be a benefit to someone who posts about a medical issue they are currently dealing with.  And I should know, because there was a time that I did not have social media during one of my critical health periods, being diagnosed with cancer, and 26 years later, dealing with late side effects from the treatments that medicine did not prepare for, as survivors were not supposed to live long enough to develop any.

No one has posted more personal stuff about medical history on line, than me.  I think that is a pretty safe bet.  And yes, I have made people cringe, unfriend me, stop talking to me completely.  But I have also had overwhelming responses, a growth in the number of people who understand me, and even more of a blessing, learning that there are others who are in similar situations like me.

There are a couple of reasons that I post certain things on social media.  And yes, admittedly, there are times that those posts come back to bite me in the ass because there are those with horrible intentions, trying to use this information against me.  There are laws supposedly in place to protect me from discrimination, but come on, let us be real, there are ways around them and we know that.  So then, why expose myself to the negative ramifications of revealing issues concerning my health?

Well, the first thing I need to express is, I do not do it for pity or attention.  To be honest, both of those are the last things I need when I am dealing with a crisis.  I have always claimed that anything I post, I do it so that others who are going through similar crisis or struggling with issues, might just see that they are not alone.  Also, there are times that I myself am looking for answers, or even seeing that someone who has gotten through similar problems has overcome those struggles.

But now it is being reported scientifically, the benefits to “sharing” information on social media.  Now, it should also be stated, once you go public with anything, it is out there forever.  If you are like me, I do not post anything I am ashamed of, and I clearly know that some of the things that I post, will be used against me as some point of my life.  But my moral compass requires me for the benefit of the good that comes from my posts, to publish many of my commentary.  Not to mention, there is clearly a therapeutic value to putting your feelings into words.

Look, I will never discover a cure for anything, and I am pretty sure I will not have an opportunity to enter a burning building to rescue someone.  But if my experiences helps to inspire someone to fight harder by knowing they are not alone, then I can live with that.

The need to post on social media needs to be seen as the helpful tool that it can be.  To share information, to guide for assistance, and to show that a person does not need to struggle alone.

You can find an article referring to this issue at the link below:

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/03/160321110437.htm

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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