Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Cancer”

Not The Reaction I Had Expected


Have you ever had a doctor yell at you?

I have had plenty of doctors give me lectures, and even my primary care doctor of thirty years has expressed frustration with me as her patient when I contradict the advice she feels is best for me.  But I had never had a doctor actually yell or scold me before.  And the strange thing was, it had nothing to do with my physical body, which given all the health issues I deal with, would have at least had some grounds to do so.

No, it was something that I had said to him, that set him off.  By the time he was done with me, I realized that I had deserved it.

In 2008, following my emergency heart surgery, and upon learning that I had many other issues related to the cancer treatments that I received back in 1989 and 1990, I became a patient at the long term survivorship program at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.  I saw several different specialists to deal with all the things that had been discovered.

I was seeing the doctor I have been alluding to for a couple of things, issues related to my lungs and my immunity, and more importantly, pain.  I had made several appointments previously with him, and all seemed to go well.  Physical therapy was prescribed, and so were several medications.  The source of the pain was permanent damage.  The whole point of dealing with the pain and muscle issues, was more about management, quality of life.

For most of my fellow survivors, it is hard enough finding help to deal with issues that the common doctor does not understand, because they never learned about long term side effects from chemotherapy and radiation therapy, because, well, cancer survivors were not expected to live that long.  At least that is the way it seemed.

So, if like me, lucky enough to find a doctor that understands, and can help us to understand what we are going through, that is half of the battle.  The first thing the doctor did, was point out everything he knew.  Much of it, did not even require any kind of diagnostic tool like an x-ray.  The damage from my radiation therapy nearly twenty years earlier was obvious from a head that hung forward (I was often accused of walking like I was depressed) and though both of my shoulders had visible signs of muscle loss, the effects on one shoulder were far worse than the other as the resulting unevenness of both shoulders.  He ordered some lung testing including x-rays and pulmonary function testing, which revealed issues as well.  The only thing left for him was “quality of life” issues, pain and sleep.

From the very first appointment with him, just like I had heard from my other doctors, I was simply too hard on my body, physically and emotionally, for as compromised as it was.  My late side effects are progressive in nature, only going to get worse.  Which meant my pain levels, and my inability to sleep, would have to be managed.  And refusing to ease up on my work load, led me to end up on one opiode prescription, then a second, and a third.  Even on three different prescriptions, by the end of my work day, my body was in so much pain, I would add a sleep aid, which also gradually increased until finally on the maximum dose, which should have kept me asleep for twelve hours, only last for two hours.

From a patient standpoint, I was doing everything I could, and my doctors were doing everything for me.  But at a follow up with this doctor about a year later, I responded to a question my doctor had asked me, and his response to my answer involved “lighting my ass on fire”.

“So, how are you today, Paul?”

“Pretty much the same, perhaps maybe a little worse.  I know that I am struggling emotionally right now with all the limitations that are happening with me.  It doesn’t seem either that I am getting any relief from the meds anymore (clearly a concern of addiction and tolerance, after all, I was on four very powerful meds).  I don’t know doc.  Maybe I just need to accept what is happening to me, let it take its course.  I should stop complaining about what is happening.  It was the deal I made voluntarily when I agree to treat my cancer.  Even though we didn’t know this could happen, this is the price I ended up paying for my cure.  I could have just not gotten treated and let it run its course.  But I made this deal.  I deserve the issues I am dealing with.”

“How dare you?  I have never had a patient tell me that they deserve what side effects that they are facing and it is not right for you to be doing it either.”  His lecture went on for quite a while.  I was being scolded, but not in anger.  And it was not his feelings either that he was throwing at me.  He was concerned for me, realizing that I was clearly at a turning point and he needed to get me back on track.

When I say that I am blessed to have the best doctors, I do know that I do.  I continued to see him for several years until he left for another practice.  I recently saw him a few months ago, via a webinar, and he was glad to hear from me.  Even better, as my issues continue to progress, I have been able to improve my quality of life.  Major lifestyle changes have given my body physically and emotionally the breaks that it needed, to the point, I am no longer on those medications that only masked the pain and sleep issues, not resolve them.  I still deal with pain, but pain that no longer keeps me awake, and pain that I no longer allow to get to a point that I cannot take it anymore.

I have never had a doctor yell at me like that, and honestly, I do not ever want that to happen again.

“All” Is A Distraction


These are such stressful days.  I am going to do my best not to make this a political post.  Because at this point, our leaders in politics are not helping, AT ALL!  This really falls upon each and every one of us, to make the difference, to take the steps toward recognizing that all lives really do matter.  And I did not put that phrase in quotes, because it does not need to be quoted.  It should be a way of life.  And while we can say it, while we can live it, we need to have everyone understand why we are not at that place right now.

Now, I need to stay in my lane here.  I am not black of skin color.  So I cannot even begin to know how many, if not all, are feeling right now with all the violence being inflicted upon them, unnecessarily, and all too often, fatally.  I have many friends of all colors, the majority of those colors being black.  Again, I am going to stay in my lane.  I know what I have seen, heard, and read.  I have made my mind up on my own, not what media or groups want me to see and believe.  All lives do matter, again not in quotes.  But that also means that has to include black lives.  And as long as our society stays complicit in its tolerance of racism and white nationalism, too many are willing to express all lives matter, but they actually mean “except blacks.”

Before I go any further, I am going to get into a lane that I know all too well, and this will help me to explain and prove my point mentioned above.

All cancers matter.  Of course they do.  But there is one organization that will tell you that all cancers matter, but if you get specific about a certain type, like mine, you would find yourself disappointed to find out, that your type of cancer, or in my case, Hodgkn’s Lymphoma, does not matter enough to be included in their mission.

I learned this reality several years back.  Being a cancer advocate for thirty years, it was just something that I took for granted.  But several years ago, I discovered only certain majorities of cancer mattered to their organization:  breast, colon, and lung, the big three.  Of course, that led me to the Leukemia Lymphoma Society, because they represented my type of cancer specifically.  But now, I found myself, being pulled in two different directions.  Of course I cared about other cancers.  I had five other family members die from cancer, one of those had two different types of cancer, and another had a relapse.  But I also needed to focus on the organization that I relied upon for my cancer, especially realizing that I was not going to get any support I needed for my Hodgkin’s.

All cancers do matter.  I know that.  But it is not only understandable, but okay, for my cancer to matter more to me.  Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a rare cancer, but I need you to know it matters just as much as all of the others.  But you will never know about my struggles if all you hear is “all cancers matter.”  I need to make you aware of the cancer that I deal with.  That is why, “Hodgkin’s Lymphoma matters.”  That statement does not take away from the needs of the other cancers.  It is an awareness.  And that awareness would get lost if it were not announced by itself.

So there are all kinds of cancer movements or specific activities, Relay For Life (all cancers… sort of), Light The Night (for Lymphoma and blood cancers), Making Strides (breast cancer).  But as a cancer patient and survivor, you will never hear one of us at any of these events, protesting about an “all inclusive” demand to be recognized.  We know what and who we are participating for and with at these events.

Which brings me back to “Black Lives Matter.”  No one can deny that “all” lives matter.  We are human beings, whether with religious beliefs or not.  But right now, there is just something so awful going on in our society, and in my short lifetime, I have been witness to too many horrific incidents against black lives.  And I have seen all too often the aftermath as the black population tried to bring awareness by themselves, only to be misrepresented in history as thugs and destructive vandals.  And currently, because of our current leadership, politics now plays a role in this “disease”, and that is exactly what it is, because by making all of us aware of blatant racism, it is somehow perceived that it is an attack on that leadership, which of course brings out all of the other “lives matter” mantras, in hopes of drowning out the “Black Live Matter” cause, a shiny object if you will, a distraction.

I do not know what it is like for a black person to be approached by a police officer, even if the officer is just being friendly, just to say “good afternoon.”  I am starting to see it now, with one particular incident standing out way before the murder of George Floyd.  His name was Walter Scott.  He was pulled over for a traffic violation.  But as he had a concern about law enforcement, he made the decision once he got out of his car, to run.  Unarmed, he was shot in the back by an officer claiming self defense.  This scene plays out too many times, yes, most recently with the murder of George Floyd, and already more have occurred.

I support the Black Lives Matter movement.  Any other reference to them other than a peaceful protest is nothing more than a dog-whistle distraction to call out antagonists to commit acts that would dishonor the intentions of the BLM movement.  There is a big difference between a peaceful protester and a looter/rioter.  They are not the same.  The first amendment guarantees the right to peacefully assemble and protest.  It says nothing about restricting or defining what a peaceful protest is.  It cannot be helped if you do not like the language, the message, or the volume.  Those things make no difference in making it a peaceful protest.  And I do believe everyone matters.  But right now, this is their cause.  I do not know what my black friends are going through, but I understand it.  And I support it what they are doing.  And hopefully different than what I witnessed in 1992 with the LA riots following the Rodney King injustice of the five cops being acquitted of brutality which was witnessed by the world, I am hoping this finally brings the changes necessary to make sure that everyone matters.

All Are Created Equal


In a surprise move, the US Supreme Court ruled that those who are in the LGBTQ community, are protected from workplace discrimination by the Civil Rights Act.  It was a surprise, because the US Supreme Court is stacked with a majority of conservative judges who were to assume certain religious beliefs that would have figured otherwise.  But as two of those conservatives stated otherwise, the CRA definitely applies to the LGBTQ, while others who dissented only did so because they interpreted the act differently.

I have many friends and several family members in the gay community.  Some of them have children.  Some of my straight friends have children in the LGBTQ community.  My children have many friends in the LGBTQ community, and have for quite some time going back many years.  And like my children, I do not really give it much thought.  I support everyone’s right to be who they are are.  I will be honest, I do not spend a lot of conversations on gay rights with them, because conversations we have do not revolve around their sexual orientation.  To me, they are a human being, no different than me whether it be the color of skin, health, education, or gender.  We have wonderful conversations with each other, so unless it comes to issues that arise, we all just enjoy life and the joys it brings.

I understand how important this ruling is, regardless that it should not have had to happen in the first place, because as our Declaration of Independence clearly states, “all are created equal.”  That means, we do not have the right to discriminate against another.  We all have the same rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  It does not matter if you have a belief that disagrees with that.  The Declaration Of Independence is clear.  All are created equal.

While this is a major victory for the LGBTQ, that does not mean that their fight will be over.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but as a major advocate of the American With Disabilities Act, I know first hand, there is a huge difference of having a law, and the loopholes that get created to get around them.  But that does not mean that today is not a huge day for my LGBTQ friends and family.  Their rights to work in a discriminatory-free environment are not only reaffirmed, but now clearly stated by the US Supreme Court.  You have had these rights since the Civil Rights Act was signed.  Now they are clear.

There will be other fights and challenges by bigots who will do what they can to disrupt the rights of our American citizens who have these unalienable rights under the Declaration Of Independence.  And that just means that the LGBTQ, knowing they have these rights, will just need to be aware of the efforts to get around them.  And if I had one bit advice I learned from fighting for the rights of the disabled?

Document.  Document.  Document.  Everything.  Save all of your work reviews that show your exemplary work record.  Keep a diary of interactions, both friendly and not.  And this is important, do not use your workplace as an advocacy tool because if you have an employer, or co-worker who is not supportive of the LGBTQ, you could be seen as disruptive, which is different than being discriminated against.  It gives the employer grounds.

I know the fight of the LGBTQ is not over.  But please know, you have the support of myself, and my children.  Because we know, that all of us are created equal.

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