Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Animals”

07 Jun 2014

Post #300


I am never going to produce a major blockbuster movie like “300”. Nor will I ever have an opportunity to hit 300 homeruns. In fact the closest I have ever come to achieving 300 of anything would have been a perfect game in bowling back in my late 20’s. I threw strikes in the first nine frames, and then tapped a ten-pin, spared it, then completed the game with another strike in the 11th frame.

With my blog, I am finally achieving a 300, my 300th post on “Paul’s Heart.” My posts are at over 8000 views and the comments of support and appreciation are numerous. This is a big deal for me, but pales in comparison into the week ahead that I am going to have.

Next weekend, Father’s Day weekend, I will be memorializing my father who passed away three weeks ago. After discussing it with my siblings, we felt it was an appropriate tribute to our father. Just as many who have gone through such a personal loss, I am sure that you can understand the struggle to deal with “the first Father’s Day without my father.”

At the same time, it is Father’s Day weekend, something that I have always looked forward to since before I adopted my daughters. Besides the emotional toll of my father’s memorial to deal with, this will be the first Father’s Day for me with just my daughters. Due to the recent custody agreement I made with their mother, and my father’s passing, I have not been able to see them in a long time, the longest time apart.

I speak to my daughters every day, and on a couple of occasions I have been able to see my daughters courtesy of Facetime. I will get to spend the entire weekend with them, and I have a lot of activities planned with them. But next weekend will not be just about me. Every day I have thought about the hurt and confusion that my daughters must have. Which is why I will pull out all the stops to show them next weekend that the divorce does not change who their mother is, or who their father is. It is important to me to make sure that my children do not blame themselves for the divorce, that the divorce was an issue between just their mother and I.

The girls get to do a lot of fun things with their mother, and next weekend, I cannot wait to spend time with them.

My story is not unique, as there are probably thousands of other dads who have a similar story heading into next weekend. My parents divorced when I was young. So I have the perspective from both child and parent.

Next weekend is not about quantity, but rather the quality of the time that I get with my daughters.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart, Uncategorized | Leave a comment
03 Mar 2014
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Half Of My Life With Cancer


If you have followed “Paul’s Heart,” you notice a countdown box off to the right of the screen. It has a milestone, that to the majority of people, represent something once thought impossible, surviving 25 years from cancer. Yes, today I begin my 25th year of having survived Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. So the countdown should change from twelve months to go, to days left to go.

I am a 24 year survivor of cancer. I have lived half of my life in spite of a disease that kills millions and yet a cure for all seems so far away. Another year down, I know it is no small feat. But once again, as always, my heart is too heavy to celebrate yet another year gone by. I miss so many that I have had to say goodbye to, and this year gone by I include Kim, Karen, Peter, and Michael.

Last week, as I sat across from my father in his hospital room, a nurse asked my father who had been just told his cancer had returned, “what would you like?” To which my father responded, “to survive cancer like my son.”

Today I recognize, but not celebrate, my 24th completed year of remission for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. It is a sad commentary that in the twenty-first century, we still have not found a cure for cancer for everyone. I am disappointed that follow-up guidelines are not more well known so that survivors are better followed-up for late developing side effects. I want to see better surveillance of patients for critical side effects for drugs that are known to have the possibility of causing side effects, some potentially fatal.

We are so close. Seriously, part of the survivor guilt I deal with, is why I have gotten to live, while so many do not. I am hoping that if anything at this point, is that I may see in my lifetime, a cure for cancer is found, patients are followed more closely during their treatments, and survivors are better followed-up. And as the days count down to one next year, I want to celebrate.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart
23 Feb 2014

Still Grieving For A Friend


A few months ago, my long time canine pal Pollo had to be euthanized. He was a fourteen year old Golden Retriever that had been a faithful companion to everyone not only living in the household, but friend to anyone who entered the door. I am extremely grateful for the years that I got to spend with him and his unconditional commitment. I definitely appreciate the length of time that I had with Pollo, quite uncommon for Goldens, especially one that came from a puppy mill.

Memories of Pollo still exist all over our house and beyond. There is still his cage that he slept in. Every night he willingly went into the cage because the closeness of the sides of the cage helped him feel safe and snug. His feed bowl and water bowl are still in the corner of the kitchen. His food bin and toy bin are still full. Last week I noticed his rope chew toy behind a piece of furniture, and I was not able to remove it.

I have pictures of Pollo to remind me of his healthier days. And recent snow storms with massive snowfall totals quickly reminded me of all the winter memories of him enjoying the snow. I used to love how I could let him outside with an approaching snowstorm, and he would look up in the sky, and start smelling it, snow. When he would come back into the house, he would stay by the back door, to make sure he was ready for when the first snow flake would fall. You see, Pollo suffered from what I called “snow deafness”. Once outside with snow falling or on the ground, he would not even hear a dog whistle.

He loved to roll in the snow, run through the snow, and would even route through the snow like a pig. And playing fetch with snowballs, pure comedy as he would look all over for where the snowballs ended up. He enjoyed having snow shoveled on him, as long as it was the powder variety. Yes, I have so many memories of Pollo, and they are still fresh in my mind.

Prior to his passing, my daughters often talked of wanting another dog. Madison would actually give me the speech that “when Pollo dies we will need another puppy.” As any dog owner will agree, it takes a long time to grieve even for a beloved pet. Which is why I took the stance with my daughter, no more pets for awhile. Not only for our grieving needs, but it would not be fair to a new animal brought into the house while we were still grieving Pollo. Of course, it is a bit more complicated right now, because I am in the middle of a divorce.

Pollo, I miss you so much. This has been an ultimate winter that you truly would have enjoyed. How I wish to have to blow dry the iceballs frozen to your fur and then spend an hour blowdrying your fur. I used to enjoy the snow.

Posted in Animals, Family and Friends | Leave a comment

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