Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

06 Apr 2017

Questions And Answers


Every so often, follower of “Paul’s Heart” reach out to me with questions.  I want to take this opportunity right now to answer those questions.

How do you decide your topics?

I am a very impulsive writer in most cases.  With the exception of planned projects, such as short stories I have had published in Visible Ink, various news publications, the majority of posts/stories come from ideas that personally concern me, such as cancer, survivorship, adoption, health care, divorce, and such.  An idea might pop into my head, and within hours, I “lose” that urgency to write, and it falls into a cue which currently holds over 500 prompts.

Are there things I will not write about?

I do not believe in censorship, so I would say that I can and would write about anything if I was asked.  As a rule, when it comes to “Paul’s Heart”, I generally do not discuss my opinions when it comes to religion and politics because those things are private to me, and I do not want that to interfere with the purpose of this blog, to help and support those experiencing similar life struggles as myself.  If I do write about a controversial subject, such as health care, I will do my best to research and present facts.  But I have found, that writing about politics or religion, often cause more harm to relationships, and what I want this blog to achieve.

Do you prefer to write fiction or non-fiction?

I am told that I do not give myself enough credit for my writings.  I have had several assistants editing many of my pieces, all with different approaches for me.  I do not consider myself to have a vivid imagination, yet my writing coaches have a way of drawing out that talent from me.  I do prefer to write biographical type pieces, as many of my followers look to “Paul’s Heart” for inspiration.  I have written about many others on this blog and the experiences that they have gone through, so the stories are not just about me.

I have taken what I have learned from my writing coaches, and encourage my children to write in a similar fashion, by giving them simple prompts to provoke their imagination.

I do enjoy writing editorial pieces also.

Do you make time to write?

I recall the person who asked me this question.  Their claim was that between all of the doctor appointments, work, taking care of their family, this person felt that they had no time to write, in spite of their desire to do so.

I do try to set aside time to write, at least once a week, if not more.  It does not always work out that way, because I also have a tendency to get “stuck” not able to put thoughts together to write a piece, perhaps I do not like the finished project, or I just even give up on that particular piece.  But unless I have a deadline to meet, I write when I write.

In further discussion with this person, it turned out that they spent on average three hours on a train, commuting to and from work.  I mentioned that if they were interested in writing, this time period on the train would be ideal to gather thoughts, to see if there would be anything that they might like to discuss on paper.  Time on the train is a perfect and often quiet time to reflect.

Is writing therapeutic for you?

In one word, absolutely.  I am a person who internalizes… a lot.  I have many emotional struggles as a cancer survivor, one of which is survivor’s guilt.  And that is exactly what it says.  I also deal with PTSD and anxiety in relation to my survivorship.  I do have someone that I speak with, but when I do not have that option available, yes, writing is just one of the things I enjoy to help me relax, along with my other method, music.

Whether you publish something, or just document a thought in some sort of diary, releasing a thought that is of great concern to you through writing is indeed therapeutic.  Keeping concerns inside is not good.  And all too often, we do not have someone that we can just readily talk to, or may not even be good at listening.  We can express our thoughts, reflect on them, and then decide if it is necessary to share with others, or is it good enough that “I” recognize that expressing myself as I had done, that is all that needs to be done.  Yes, it is very therapeutic.

Can I share my story on your blog?

As long as it pertains to cancer, survivorship, adoption, or divorce, I am more than happy to share others stories of survivorship and inspiration.  You can send your story to me at pedelmanjr@yahoo.com .

As always, I am so thankful for everyone who reads and follows “Paul’s Heart”.  As I mentioned earlier, I have a lot of stories in cue to get to.  I think I am caught up on questions.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
14 Mar 2017
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Family After Cancer – Never Give Up


March 14th is always an easy day for me to remember.  It is my late grandfather’s birthday.  Also, the birthday of my niece.  But it is also one of two important dates in my life, the first of two times I became a father.

I will not speak for other cancer patients or survivors, but for me, I had three concerns once I was diagnosed.  The first and most important, I did not want to die.  Second, I did not want to lose my hair.  And finally, I did not want to lose my ability to have children.

Speaking now as a Hodgkin’s Lymphoma survivor, back as late as the early 1990’s, mustragen was a popular component in a chemotherapy cocktail to give remission to Hodgkin’s patients.  Along with it being a deadly poison used by monsters such as Sadaam Hussein to kill his people, it was also very effective against Hodgkin’s.  Along with its toxicity, it was known to cause sterility in men.  In fact, just as I completed my 8th cycle, a study had been released stating that sterility was likely after the 6th cycle.  Dammit.  This study came out 3 months too late for me.

Hodgkin’s is a blood cancer, though considered rare, effects two groups of people more often than others, younger ages, and older ages.  Middle aged people can develop Hodgkin’s but it is more likely to be diagnosed in the other two groups.  And for the younger group, fertility is a real concern.  And for many women, the concern is even more dire, as some are often diagnosed when they are pregnant.  And just with any other cancer, decisions need to be made in the best interest of not just the patient, but the baby.

As I said, for me, pre-testing before I began my chemo, it was determined that any ability I had to get someone pregnant, was slim, most likely caused by the stress I was under, so I did not take the option of storing sperm before I began treatment.  And of course, once treatment was done, so were my chances of having a biological child.

I have written about my decisions since that discovery in past posts, and if you have any questions and do not wish to go through the archives, please feel free to ask or comment.  But the truth is, decades later, there are new opportunities to more accurately determine and often reverse sterility.

But in my case, adoption was the best option for me.  And as far as adoption was concerned, it was a matter of deciding open or closed, domestic or international.  In my case, and with my health history, international, China in particular, actually offered me the best opportunity of becoming a father.  China would not discriminate against me, as many agencies in the United States had done.

I completed all the paperwork.  I went through all the processes required by both China and the US.  And thirteen years ago, on this date, my oldest daughter was placed in my arms.  I will celebrate another anniversary for my younger daughter in a couple of months.

There is plenty of help out there to answer and guide cancer patients in all areas of care, during treatment and post treatment.  It is the hope of “Paul’s Heart”, that this blog is one of the tools that will inspire and inform that there is not only life after cancer, but a whole lot more.  Perhaps not the way we dreamed about, but it is still a good thing.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By...
22 Dec 2016

What Do I Want For Christmas?


I am fairly certain, as a child, I made a Christmas wish list.  I do know it never went to “Santa”, though up until I turned eight years old, I received presents from the fat man in red.  The next year, I discovered who Santa really was, and that ended the gifts from him.

I still really had no aversion to Christmas, though clearly I never really celebrated it with all the glitz and commercialism.  I most certainly never celebrated the day for what it was supposed to matter to me as a Lutheran.  But in 1988, when I got diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I certainly seemed to know where to direct my anger.  In 1988, I never wanted to hear the word Christmas ever again.

Things were different for me in 1989, though I was still in the middle of my chemotherapy.  The anger was gone.  And scans had shown the chemotherapy was working.  And then I said it, “all I want for Christmas is for this to be over with.”  This is truly the first thing that I can remember ever asking for, for Christmas.

For the next decade and a half, I would never ask for anything for Christmas again.  I would participate in Christmas activities, such as attending parties, going to Christmas Eve church service (one of the two times a year I would attend Church), and even decorate, quite extravagantly.  Some say I aspired to be Clark Griswald with some of my outdoor displays.

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While I did not particularly care for Christmas any longer, I did not want to ruin it for anyone else.  That would change with the arrival of my daughters.

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I still did not ask for anything for Christmas, but at least I felt my heart get back into the spirit of Christmas.  And I found myself once again, getting involved with the religious part of the holiday by once again attending the Christmas Eve service with my daughters.

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And seeing how much Santa meant to my children, I did everything I could to protect their enjoyment of the holiday, dreading the day that they too would discover that Santa was nothing more than a “belief”, or spirit.

Every year since my daughters were adopted, I would put on a Santa suit, and video and pictures would be taken of me placing gifts under the tree, eating the cookies and drinking the room temperature milk, just to have something to actually show Santa had come.  I even played with Pollo, our golden retriever.

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And that is where the cover was almost blown.  As both of my daughters were excited to see Santa had come, and what he had done, my oldest daughter at age 3 could not help but notice one glaring concern with Santa.  No, not that Santa forgot the belt, but “look Daddy, HoHo’s wearing your sneakers!”  I would make sure to put the black overlays on from that year on.

But while I always encouraged my daughters to write a Christmas wish list to Santa, their requests were always modest, nothing outlandish.  And this they did on their own.  Neither daughter had been raised to be materialistic.  And neither daughter has ever asked, “is that all there is” following the conclusion of opening gifts.  And I continued to not ask for anything for Christmas.

Well, as usual, the question has been asked of me again, by so many, “what do you want for Christmas?”  This year, I actually have one thing I would like.  Last year, during the Christmas break, my children visited me.

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That to me was the best gift they could have ever given to me.  And so, that is what I have asked for again this year.

The funny thing is, in conversation with my daughters the other night, my youngest had mentioned that she wanted to buy me something for Christmas.  But my oldest was very quick to chime in, “our going to visit Dad is his Christmas gift.”  I am so proud of my daughters as it is, but my oldest hit the nail right on the head.  She knows me well enough, to be with them once again, is all I want for Christmas.

See you soon.

Merry Christmas everyone.  Happy Chanukah.  And Happy New Year.

 

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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