Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

20 Jan 2013

Can Being Bullied Be A Good Thing?


Over the last few years, especially with my 2011 school board campaign, I had many conversations about bullying in schools.  I have been an advocate for bully prevention forever.  In today’s schools and neighborhoods, I do not believe any level of bullying can be tolerated or treated as a “phase all kids go through.”

Bullying in school is frequently referred to in my daughters’ karate class by their instructor.  He does not teach them to attack bullies, but rather get help or defend.  But if a child must defend themselves, then by all means the child will.  But it was a conversation with a couple of parents that spurred this post.  I was talking to one parent about her son being bullied and how the school district is doing nothing to prevent it.  According to the parent, the child is in an alternative placement along with another student who is frequently physically assaulting her child.  I will not get into specifics of the case because I have only been told one side.  But I will say this.  No child should have their civil rights violated by being physically abused by another student.  If what the parent says is true, that this behavior is repeated, and the school has been notified, and so has the school district that placed both students, then the school is condoning the acts and the district is ignoring the acts, both by simply ignoring the complaints.  This is going to sound harsh, but if no one from the school or the district will control this situation, then the parent should involve the local authorities with formal charges against the bully for assault.

Just then, another parent joins in the conversation and begins to discuss bullying issues that his children have had.  But the father went further by explaining why he would not tolerate behavior like that at all against his children.  He revealed at that moment that he had been frequently abused in school by bullies.  He did not goin into reasons, but the point that he stressed, was the impact that it has had on him as an adult.  Honestly, I have never seen him bust a gut with a laughing fit,  but he has expressed a sense of humor, albeit a dry one.  But he got my attention with what he told me that he did not consider funny.  I will not go into those boundaries, because the point I want to make is how his being bullied as a child has made him the way he is today.

And that got me to thinking.  How did my being bullied in school affect me as an adult?  Quite simply, I do not choose my battles.  I will not back down from anyone for anything.  If I really do not believe in something,  that I am being urged to do or support, I will not, no matter the cost.  It is almost as if, all the crap I took from everyone back in school, I would never put up with any in my adult life, ever.   Having no one stand up for me, I will fight for everyone and everything.  This kind of thinking has not been good for me.  I have lost friends.  Family alienates me.  And there are frequent quarrels with Wendy. 

The majority of my co-workers despise me because I choose to do my job ethically, while they would rather cut corners, work unsafely, just to have hang-around time and socialize or surf the net.  But they are also good at slandering me and making false claims against me.  I do not let them get the upper hand, even if I happen to get in trouble.  I rely on my reputation for my work to speak for me.

Salesman have no chance against me.  Insurance reps, do not even think about ringing my door bell.  You might get away with mixing up my food order.

But my toughness from being bullied I thnk conributed to how I deal with my health.  For starters, I took on my battle with Hodgkin’s Disease never thinking the possibility it would take me.  Recovery from all the side effects was taken on the same way.  I would over come.  My heart surgery, bouts with pneumonia, all recovered under my direction, my determination.  But I get through them because I am so physically tough, a high tolerance for pain.  But that is what is keeping me alive.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Cancer, Family and Friends, Politics, The Heart and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
15 Jan 2013
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Learning To Relax


I have three main sources of my visible stress, only one of which I make public, though the other two are known by select few.  The other sources of my stress end up internalized.  Given a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst, my stress level is easily at 10 nearly 85% of the time.  The other 15% of the time, if I can get to sleep, there is a reduction in my stress.  I am not sure, because it probably depends on how long I sleep, if I get into a deep enough sleep, and what I am waking up to.

My doctors are more than concerned with this, because stress is not good.  There are any number of maladies that I could be facing from stroke to heart attack.  I am on several prescriptions all meant to help keep my stress down.  I see a therapist regularly for my stress (as well as survivor guilt issues).  Medically I do what I can to relax, but it is not enough.  And since I am not willing to give up my living, a job that I actually enjoy doing, I must find other ways to decompress.

There are common ways to relax such as meditation, yoga, and even jogging.  For me, I get through my work day with music.  I plug in the old ear buds, turn my Ipod up as loud as it will go, and I am off.  Yes, it is very loud.  But you know what?  I do not hear anything.  I do not hear gossip.  I do not hear complaining.  I do not hear bad news.  I am able to place myself in another totally different situation mentally.  This was huge during chemotherapy, during convalescing from my heart surgery, and many other medical times.  But at work, I need it to get through my day.

Norman Vincent Peale wrote about “positive imaging”.  This was a concept where you simply took your mind to the place that you hoped to be in the future.  In terms of a cancer patient, for me, I was done with chemo, hair had grown back, weight lost, and life had been back to normal.  I think that any time you take your mind away from your present stress, it can be relaxing. 

Deep breathing.  You want to talk about feeling differently without even moving?  I have seen the directions written differently, but the concept is to change your pattern of breathing which I believe would change your brain’s thinking.  Some exercises have you inhaling through your nose for a count of five, holding for five, then exhaling from the mouth for a count of five.  You could do 5-4-4 or 4-5-5, I would imagine any formula would work.  I do around ten sets of this breathing  technique which often helps to calm me down.

Exercising can do wonders.  Any movement with your legs, walking even with a quick gait, breathing in through the nose, and out from the mouth, will provide immediate results of relaxation. 

I recently did a post on how much my golden retriever means to me.  Simply all pets are capable of providing stress relief.  And with cats, even comic relief when a laser pen is involved.

Psychotherapy.  Unfortunately, seeing a “shrink” has such a negative connotation or stigma attached to it.  But I can admit that I see one.  I have a major issues with Survivor’s Guilt (from many incidents in my life), but she is also crucial for stress management.  I am not crazy.  I am not depressed.  But I am thankful to have her as part of my survival care.

Prescription drugs.  For me personally, this will be a last resort.  I have had the ocassional anxiety attack prior to a medical procedure, where I was encouraged to take something, but refused.  In general, I do not believe taking prescription drugs accomplish anything with eliminating the stress, as I say, “only hiding from it”.

Finally, I have found a new form of relaxation, martial arts.  I have certain limitations due to my physical survivor issues, so I believe that I am only going at half speed.  But the relaxtion comes as I am on the floor, concentrating one hundred percent on the techniques and forms.  If I do not pay attention, I will get waffled in the face.  My partners tell me that I do not seem as limited as I believe, and am fairly accurate with my moves.  But for at least that hour, I accomplish something that I have not been able to do to this point, relax.  I have totally eliminated the stress for that our, without medication, and hopefully enough that when the next day comes, my stress is at a lower level than when I left it the prior day.

I must reduce my stress.  If you doubt what stress can do, stay tuned.  I am going to show you what stress actually looks like and what it does to the body.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Recreation, The Heart and tagged , , , ,
12 Jan 2013
1 Comment

The Care And Keeping Of You


Prior to Wendy and I becoming parents there was one thing that we had not given thought to as parents, protecting our child from pain.  I am not talking about the “fell off the bike” pain or “the neighborhood kid punched me” pain.  During a visit to the ER, we saw a father carrying his small child past our trauma area.  She was limp, hopefully just very sleepy.  The doctor was making his way from room to room and had left our room to go the next room which is where the little girls was.  I am sure, just as with us, there were a lot of questions to find out what was wrong with the little girl.  And then we heard it, the blood curdling screams.  I looked at Wendy as said, “they must be trying to get blood from her.”  We cringed with every scream and our hearts soon sobbed with her cries.  But at that moment yet, we were still just thinking “that poor little girl.”

Then it hit us.  It REALLY hit us.  The child’s screams and cries suddenly changed from random and numerous, to focused, emphatic, and demanding.  “DAAADDDDDYYY!!  THEY’RE HURTING MEEEE!!!”  Two different feelings were occuring in me at that moment.  First, I know how I would react, Wendy as well, if anyone were to inflict pain on our children.  But the second, she had to have been watching her dad stand there, not doing anything while the tech stabbed her with the syringe.  She all but accused him of letting the tech hurt her.  This was one thing as a parent, neither Wendy or I had given any thought to.

But there are several difficult things that I have anticipated being a father to two girls.  Changing diapers was a piece of cake.  Rocking the girls to sleep?  I miss that horribly.  Boyfriends.  The change.

So I am sitting at the kids’ karate class with other parents and Madison sits down next to me.  She starts scratching her legs like she is some sort of scratch-off lottery ticket.  I asked what was the matter thinking maybe we were using a different detergent, maybe the sweat was getting to her?  She blurts out, “it’s the hair on my legs!  I have hair on my legs!”  I could not reach my ears with my fingers quick enough to plug my ears and do the “la la la la la la la” thing.  I know what I heard.

A parent sitting next to me said, “you know Paul, she is nine.”  And I looked at her ready to give her the Nobel Obvious Award and quickly responded, “yeah? so what does that have to do with anything?”  Denise responded, “girls, anywhere between nine and twelve… you have to prepare her.”  I had no idea what she was tallking about.  I knew growing hair was a sign that she was getting older, but I honestly did not put everything together to realize the bigger picture.

Evidently my confusion was showing.  Denise continued, “The Care And Keeping Of You…”  Taking care of me?  I had no idea what she was talking about.  “It’s a book.  You need to read it with her.”

About a week later I was at the hospital for a couple of my appointments.  In between appointments, I will do one of two things, visit the Barnes & Noble around the corner from the hospital, or grab something to eat.  This day I had a little more time in between appointments so I managed to do both.  Barnes & Noble had the book, it was from The American Girl Doll series.  So I bought that and a couple of other books for both daughters and headed off for lunch. 

I usually eat at the same place every time I am in Manhattan, and I am usually in an out within approximately twenty-five minutes.  But today, the service was a little slow.  As I waited for the waitress, I figured I would take a quick look at the book I needed to read with my daughter.  The first several pages were harmless, talked about changes, emotional, hair growth.  Okay, time was running out, so I skim to a little more than half-way through the book.  Breast development?  Quickly, flip away, backwards!  No, I flip forward a few pages.  Inserting a tampon?!?  With pictures?  What the Hell?!?  I was no longer safe flipping backward as I was too far into the book, and I was more afraid to turn any further ahead.  I could do only one thing, and that was look up and away.  And there she was, the waitress looking down at me with some questionable look of disgust.

I tried to assure her, “it’s not what it looks like.”  What I thought was taking a lot longer for lunch, soon became true fast food.  I put the book back in my backpack, finished up my lunch without looking back up from the table, and went to my final appointment. 

I arrived back home, handed the book to my wife.  I told her the book started off great, and good luck from there.  I am not about to talk tampons with my daughter.  Having been raised in a house full of women, I would think that I would handle this better.

Posted in Adoption, Family and Friends

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