Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

19 Feb 2013

Bravery


Bravery is defined in Merriam-Webster as courage.

I decided to look this up today.  A co-worker was having a conversation with me, coming to find out everything that I had been going through in just the last several weeks.  And his comment to me was, “You’re really brave.”  And I looked at him like I was almost hoping for a hint of sarcasm or even some foolery.  But for once, he meant it.  And then he repeated it, “You are brave.”

The first time I heard it, I was uneasy.  I was hoping the conversation would end, but when he said it the second time, I knew that I had to deal with it.

In my life, I am hard pressed to find even one instance in my life where I could be defined as brave.  I have never fought in any armed service.  I have never broke up an attempted bank robbery.

But when people find out that I have beaten cancer, had open heart surgery, two cases of pneumonia (one with sepsis and the other double pneumonia), kidney stones, all kinds of late issues from my treatments, I get, “You are brave.”

When I think of “bravery”, I think of men and women who run into a burning building, police officers who put themselves in harm’s way every day, an airline pilot flying a human missile loaded with hundreds of lives, a teacher shielding her students from a lunatic’s bullets.

No, I am not brave at all.  I simply did what I had to do.  I have two beautiful daughters who I know love me so much, it would devastate them to lose me.  I have no choice but endure if my body and mind are capable of doing so.  In the second half of my life, I have met so many people who have faced relapses of their cancer, multiple cancers, those who struggle with their survivorship from the treatments that saved their lives, and sadly, those who lost their battles.

I have always said that I would not go through anymore treatments if my Hodgkin’s Disease came back, that is, until my daughters came along.  One of my dearest friends has faced nearly 50 surgeries all having to do with her surviving her cancer treatments, this along with a battle with a secondary cancer.  With so many close calls, not just near death, or in some cases, flat lines, she continues to trudge on to this day, not only a proud mother, but the happiest grandmother, something that she never thought she would ever see.

I do not know how she would react if I told her that she was brave.  I know on occasions when I have talked with her on the telephone, I have told her that I was speechless for words to how I felt with her continued struggles and survival.  It would be easy for her to give up I think.  She has been through so much.  But the fact is, she has not given up.  It is with her example that I can never make that decision either.

And so, I am watched periodically, whether month to month, quarterly, or annually.  There are things that have been identified and can be dealt with.  I go to my appointments not afraid, but confident in my caregivers that things will be dealt with sooner than later.  That is not bravery, that is trust.  As for the all-of-a-sudden stuff like the pneumonias, the cardiac issue, some kidney activity… a little luck does not hurt either.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Cancer, Side Effects, The Heart and tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
31 Jan 2013
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Another Anniversary – What A Way To Spend It


When I started this project, “Paul’s Heart,” I had two motives.  The first, I wanted to see if I had what it took to write a book, about what, I was not sure.  But I needed to see if I had the ability and the commitment.  And second, I wanted my voice to be able to help at least one person who is struggling with something.  By documenting the many struggles that I face and have faced, I hope that it gives hope and courage to get beyond the struggle.

I have been  very public with some personal stories.  I figure that once I made the commitment to “blogging”, transparency is what would make my blog successful.  Some of my stories may be difficult to read because they stir up old emotions or memories.  Admittedly, the stories can also be quite graphic, and I try to give fair warning when those stories reach that level.

Tomorrow, I will be meeting with yet another doctor to discuss a recurring symtom that was so difficult to deal with just a couple of years ago, as it appears it is returning.  I do not want it to return to the level that it had gotten to before.  I will be discussing the procedure of an endoscopy, which is basically going to be pictures and biopsies if needed down my throat into my stomach.  Care must be taken because of the overexposure to radiation during my treatment days.  The doctor will be looking for what is causing an increasing inability to swallow and frequent nausea (with no warning or apparent cause).  If possible, this will be done along with a colonoscopy, often referred to as a “man’s worst nightmare.”  I have resisted this procedure, in spite again of the radiation history as well as some other unusual symptoms.

But it is time, time to “man up.”  But instead of a night out with the guys, or watching a football game, I now have a new excuse for getting out of our anniversary dinner tomorrow, and Valentine’s Day as well.  Wendy could not possibly hold it against me that my doctors want to check me out for my own health, could she?

It will be eleven years tomorrow, and Wendy will have been dealing with all of these health issues with me for nearly half of those years.  She knew about my cancer history when we started dating, my inability to have children as a result of my treatments, but nothing could have prepared her for the statement, “your husband needs to have emergency bypass heart surgery.  We have him set up for first thing tomorrow.”  And with that, began a different direction than we had planned for our lives together.  But I could not, and I emphasize, would not have been able to do it without her.

So our anniversary tomorrow will not be the most romantic, if at all.  Depending on my arrival time home, we might be able to get a quick dinner.  As for Valentine’s Day, um… I am not sure what to expect as far as how my belly will be feeling after having cameras going in through each end.  While the endoscopy is not usual for the average healthy person, for someone with my health history and radiation exposure, it is common.  But a colonoscopy is common.  I have tried to avoid it.  I know the benefits of detecting colon cancer early.  So, for all my reasons in delay, I will dispell those myths following the procedure, after I “man up.”

Happy Anniversary Wen.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Family and Friends, Side Effects, The Heart and tagged , , ,
31 Jan 2013

“May Wan Tee”


“May Wan Tee”.  I am probably spelling it wrong, but this phrase is one that will stick with me forever.

In January of 2004, Wendy and I were notified that we had a daughter that we were going to be travelling to China to meet.  There were meetings to attend, forms to be signed, and monies to be prepared.  Most importantly, since we would be traveling out of the US, we felt that it would be in our best interest to notify our credit card banks about our plans in the event security checked in and shut done our cards because of activity in China.  This plan had been confirmed by many other families, especially with credit union banks.

And so our credit union was notified that we would be leaving for China on March 15 and planned to return two weeks later.  We were wished well, and the process continued.  On March 7th, we got a call from our adoption agency, travel time had been moved up and we would be leaving on the 13th now.  Of course we are all excited.  What an ”inconvenience” to leave for our daughter earlier?!?

So we arrive at Newark International and check in for our flight.  We bought three seats round trip to allow for our slightly larger than average needs, plus it gave us leg room.  Bringing Madison back using only three seats was not going to be a problem.  The problem occurred when we found out that not only were our three seats not next to each other, not only were we not seated next to our “open” seat that we purchased, but Madison’s seat was approximately fifteen rows in front of either one of us (who happened to be sitting on opposite sides of the airplane.  This was not a budget flight, this was a major international carrier.  After a panicked and irate phone call to our agency concerning this snafu, all was settled before we took off for Hong Kong.

I have mentioned two details now that do not coordinate with the original plans, and as you are about to read, they will have a major impact.  Once we land in Hong Kong, our entire travel group, consisting of nine other great families, meet our guide for this leg of the trip.  While Hong Kong is still considered part of China, it has its own government, currency, etc.  Are you with me yet?  First order of business is checking into the airport hotel.  We are recommended to do so quickly, and in spite of the thirteen hour time difference we must deal with, and the building excitement of our growing family, we need to get some sleep.  We will be a family with child tomorrow morning instead of two days from now as originally planned.  All we have to do is check in for tonight’s stay, and our return flight.  That is all.  Nothing more complicated than that.  Piece of cake.  Checked in plenty of times to a hotel.  English is spoken by the representative.  Yep, should be smooth sailing.

I hand him my credit union credit card.  He swipes it.  Wait for it…

“I’m sorry sir, card not working.”  I have been awake and on the road for nearly twenty hours.  But I know what I just heard.  Calmly, I asked him to try again.  He had to have done something wrong while swiping the card.

Here’s the pitch… just passes over the corner of the plate – STRIKE 2!  “I’m sorry sir, it is coming up declined again.”  ALL SYSTEMS… RED ALERT!  RED ALERT! ALL HANDS ON DECK!  OPEN THE TORPEDO DOORS!  Now I hit the panic button and do all that I can from jumping over the counter to swipe the card myself.  I urged him to try it again.  The card had to work.  I was told by the credit union that there would be no problem.  And finally, I struck out.  I was told for the third time, “declined.”

I called Ben, our guide, over to the counter and explained what was happening.  I had only $7500 in cash on me, $6000 which I needed for adoption proceedings and still had to buy our in-country flights, meals, and hotels.  And then Ben said it, “May Wan Tee.”  I said to him with a confused look, “What?  English Ben.”  Ben replied, “no worries.”  He was right.  My credit card was not working.  I was going to run out of cash in less than 24 hours.  Still had to buy meals.  All this while I was preparing for one of the most beautiful times in my life.  Why should I be worried?

The most reasonable thing to do at this point, with less than ten hours now until we met Madison, was to try and get some sleep.  Trying to save cash, eating was not a priority at the moment.  And with the time difference, it was already Saturday afternoon here in the US, so the credit union was already closed for the next day and a half.  How was I going to communicate and get this straightened out?  I had a calling card, but that was supposed to last me the entire trip and the minutes would be used up before even getting an answer and solution to this problem.  I decided to try using the internet and reach Wendy’s mom, giving her all releveant numbers and who to contact.  There was one representative at the credit union who knew me personally, and knew I was in China and could clearly help and I would have Wendy’s mom see her.

By the time we headed for the provincial capital city Nanchang, it was evening in the US, 10am in China.  And we boarded a flight to Nanchang.  We arrived at the beautiful Jiangxi Hotel where our current guide, De had us register.  As all the other families took turns doing so, I approached De soon to realize his English was not as good as Ben’s, but I gave it an effort anyway.  I explained everything so far that has happened.  And then… “May Wan Tee.”  Aw, come on!  You too?!?  And then De pulled out his credit card, put it on the counter, and the desk person took the card, and handed me keys to our room.  Just like that.  I knew De a total of five minutes, literally.

His kindness and belief in “May Wan Tee” taught me alot that day.  I was in a foreign country, very little to no English spoken, no credit card, and very limited cash, with two other people I was responsible for, all for the next eleven days, and I was told not to worry.  His favor to me allowed me time to communicate back home, even with the time difference.  It took three more days to resolve, but I was able to do it without worrying.  It all worked out, no worries.  May Wan Tee.

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