Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the month “April, 2020”

Cause And Effect


There is a great debate going on during this Covid19 pandemic, recording statistics accurately.  There are two main sides.  One side is genuinely concerned about preventing further spread and saving lives.  The other side is more concerned with the politics of what is happening, and it is odd really.  Because politics should never determine if someone lives or dies.  But when statistics get used to attack a perceived favorite representative, who literally has nothing to do with the cause of the outbreak at all, the concern turns to a number that possibly could be used against that representative, as in some possible failure to lessen the impact.  And the only way to lessen the impact, is to lessen the number.

The objection, and unfounded claim, is that some deceased are being declared a casualty of the Corona Virus, even if other factors may have been involved.  The argument being made is that it is not fair to declare the death to Covid19 if something else was wrong or happened.  That is such a flawed claim.  And here is how I will prove it.

I apologize for the extreme example, but I am not open to debate.  A person is shot and killed  Is the person dead because of the gunshot, the massive loss of blood, or cardiac arrest?  Of course the cardiac arrest is what killed the individual, but the other issues, the blood loss, and of course, the gunshot cannot be ignored.  One thing led to another and resulted in a death that should have occurred later in that person’s life.

Now, I am not saying that a person with Corona Virus that randomly gets shot and killed should be declared a death of Covid19.  That is ridiculous.  But does a person with the virus en route to the hospital, either on foot or in a vehicle, involved in an accident resulting in death get declared a Covid19 death?  Absolutely.  And here is why.  If someone is that immersed with the virus, that medical help is necessary, it is likely that there is so much internal damage to the body from the virus, making sustaining or recovery impossible, especially with the virus affecting the lungs as it is known to do.

Let’s put aside the virus for a second and use a different example, as often comes up in the world of cancer survivorship.  A similar argument comes up frequently as the virus cause and effect argument.  Is it right to blame the health issues that we long termers deal with, on the treatments, even thirty and forty years after treatment?  Is there an infinite and blanket blame?  The short answer is yes.  Here comes the long answer.

Prior to my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I was an otherwise healthy individual as far as I know.  But I had my spleen removed as part of the diagnostics.  That surgery has now left me immuno-compromised for the rest of my life.  The loss of my spleen has caused a permanent change with how my body protects itself, BUT, it has not caused my death.  Should I contract this virus, there is a likelihood that I would not survive.  So would my cause of death be listed as being asplenic (no spleen) or the virus?  I lost the spleen thirty-two years ago, but clearly had I had my spleen I might have been able to fight the virus better.  So that is not the virus’s fault, right?  It is a stupid concept.  My death would be Covid19.

Another example, recognizing that the main problem with the virus, is the pneumonia that it causes.  Already immuno-compromised from not having a spleen, I battled two cases of septic pneumonia within a nine-month period.  My pneumonia was not caused by catching a virus.  It was bacterial.  You see, the radiation therapy that I went through for my Hodgkin’s, damaged my trachea and esophagus.  Weakened from the damage over the years, there is a condition that traps food in the airway, which of course ends up decaying there.  Called “aspiration” pneumonia, I inhale that bacteria from the trapped and decaying food into my lungs.  Also, a side note, the left lobe of my lung is considered “dead” and non-functional leaving me with a diagnosis of restrictive lung disease.  Not bad enough?  I have unidentified spots on both my lungs, which are just being watched at this point, for the potential of being cancerous.  Now, let’s say.  I get Corona virus.  It turns into the pneumonia.  I die.  Are you going to try and tell me that I did not die from Covid19 with so many other issues against me?  I get by in my life in spite of my ill health.

I have another ten health issues related to my cancer history, all which leave me susceptible to the Corona Virus.  But for the sake of “feeling good” and not piling on scary numbers, if I were to get this virus and die, I had enough against me to make it okay not to count?

I get it.  Telling scary numbers makes our president look bad.  And this post is not about armchair quarterbacking.  Throughout history, we have learned all the who’s, what’s, why’s, when’s and such, after everything has passed.  We learn from history so that we do not repeat it.  And the only way we can have an accurate accounting, is with accurate numbers.

This is a fact.  In a family of four, if one member is tested and confirmed positive, the other three members are presumed to be positive.  That should mean four more in the total of positive cases.  It is not.  The confirmed cases of positives are based solely on those tested.  So, if you have not gotten tested, you do not count in that total.  As of this post, we are nearing 600,000 confirmed cases.  If I am being generous by just doubling the number allowing for presumed, which without confirmation of could be or might not be, as contagious as this virus is, likely, we would be well over a million, and probably more.  This makes a big deal when you compare that number to the rest of the country.  What about the other 349,000,000?  How do we know if they have or have not been exposed?

We are struggling to get this under control as a country.  A good majority of us are doing our part, listening to the guidelines put forth by the president.  When the dust is settled, and the time is appropriate to look back, there is a chance, it will not be kind.  Understandable, this was the first time we are dealing with this monster.  But the biggest judgement of everything, were decisions informed, ignorant, or wishful thinking?  That is for a later time.

But of all the numbers that are important to report, yes, the fatalities.  I am not sure if it is trolls or bots trying to spread the nonsense of what is actually a Covid19-related death or not.

Just as everything that changed about my body in 1988 with the diagnosis of my cancer, everything that has happened since, gets attributed to those physiological changes because I would not otherwise have these cardiac, pulmonary, and immunological problems if I never had my cancer.

Cause and effect.  If a death was caused directly or indirectly from Covid19, no matter if there were underlying causes, it is a Covid19 death.  Arguing over such a triviality in the midst of still so many fighting for their lives, or hoping to avoid getting the virus, is truly a waste of time.

 

Thanks For Ruining A Good Movie


“Groundhog Day.”  A funny movie about a little town in Punxatawny, Pennsylvania and a furry little rodent who is either going to piss off an entire country or make them happy, after he himself is yanked from his comfortable home, his reaction to his shadow is to predict the end of Winter.  In the movie, the main character, filming the story of the groundhog and town, relieves the same day, over and over, and over, that same day being Groundhog Day.  The ironic thing is that the movie was not filmed in Punxatawny, though there is a lot of memorabilia and stories all over this sleepy little area.

Today, Groundhog Day has a different meaning.  Because of Coronoa Virus, for the majority of Americans who do not believe this to be a hoax, and have a genuine interest in wanting to do their part to end this pandemic, are living in their own Groundhog Day.

We wake up.  Maybe watch a little television in the morning.  Perhaps go for a walk.  Squeeze in some reading we have been meaning to do.  Some have actually discovered that they have a family, or what it is like to have to spend time with them.  Cooking skills are being tested and perfected.  Old dogs are learning new tricks with technology, socializing through either Facebook, HouseParty, or Zoom.

For at least thirty days, some longer, this has been the routine, day after day.  And according to the experts who know better, the scientists, this is going to be going on much longer.  We are living our own Groundhog Day.  As one of my friends put it, “don’t look at it as being trapped at home,” but rather “safe at home.”

For most of us, this “reset”, has returned households back to a time, when schedules did not matter, time with loved ones and sharing traditions mattered.  Being restricted to our homes, unable to make sports practices or chorus rehearsals, meetings, part time or full time work, we have gone from hardly getting to spend any time with our families, to being able to watch and relish these special moments we would never have had.

Like others, my days are pretty much the same.  I make my breakfast, followed by a walk.  I will look through the que of stories I have started to write here and decide if I want to finish even one, or start another.  I am making progress on the book I have always wanted to write.  Since I am not getting as much exercise I would like, and this virus being one that attacks the lungs, and me having predispositions because of damage from my cancer treatments, if you walk by, you are likely to hear me singing, which helps me to stretch out my lung capacity.  As I rely on music to help me relax, I have once again dusted off my guitar.  And thanks to so many networks offering free movies and streaming services, there is no reason for me to leave the television.  I also have plenty of time to work on my cooking skills, something I enjoy.

As the reality set in about the possible duration of this pandemic, so did the concern for our fur friends, mainly, could the virus be transmitted from them.

The answer is NO!

In fact, if you have ever been a pet owner, it is during times like we are experiencing, that fur friends can get us through “social distancing” or “stay at home.”  Even better, humane societies and animal shelters all over were encouraging everyone to “foster” out a fur friend.  Sure this could likely result in a permanent situation, like that would be so bad.  But at least temporarily, it would help out organizations that are already strapped financially and physically to capacity to care for.

And if my daughters are reading this, no, I have not gotten another dog or cat.  That is not to say that I have not thought about it.  But I still mourn the loss of my last fur friend, Pollo.

But I have a problem along with my grief.  I have been watching “dog movies” again.  The offer of free movies on premium channels and streaming others, I have been watching favorites like “A Dog’s Purpose,” “A Dog’s Journey,” “Marley And Me,” and so many others.

I do it to myself.

At least I know that my love for a fur friend still is there, and that some day, I might just open my door and heart to another.  And while I like the premise of the “dog’s purpose,” it would be cool if somehow I might see my fur friend Pollo again.  I have been asked, if I would recognize him if he came back, as a different breed, or even a different gender, I know that I would.

I do know that he would be the best to be “at home with”, as he and I shared a lot of time with each other while I was recovering from all of the health crisis I have faced during my survivorship.

But for now, I look at pictures.  A lot of pictures.  My daughters.  Friends.  Places.

Honestly, I have lost track of the day of the week, the number of the date.  Just like when I was going through my treatments, I did not focus on the calendar.  If I did, and I was told that it would have to be longer, that news would be devastating.  So I just did, every day, one day at a time, and that end would come.

I never counted how many times the sun came up, and the sun went down.  But an end came to the most difficult time of my life.  And it happened by just going one day at a time, not worried about how many ahead, or how many had gone by.

And that was the genius of the movie “Groundhog Day.”  All except for the main character, had not realized they were living the same day, over and over again and had no problem repeating everything done just the day before.  It was only the main character who was aware of what was going on, that had the difficulty of dealing with the situation.

That is how we get through Covid19.

How I Will Celebrate Easter This Year


It took a long time for me to open my heart to the holidays following my battle with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  My diagnosis and conclusion all occurred around major holidays.  I kept my heart open to the religious aspects of the holidays, but as far as the commercial end, I really wanted nothing to do with the “happy” part of holidays.

It took the adoption of my daughters, the return to the innocence of the holidays for me to once again look forward to the Easter bunny and Santa Claus.  They would be raised with the religious aspects as well, but I can honestly tell you, there is nothing like the excitement and anticipation of watching your own children, rush downstairs in anticipation for what waited for them.

It was important that I carried on the traditions that I enjoyed as a child.  With my daughters being Asian, tradition is something that is one of the most important things to the Asian culture, and I wanted them to know not only Asian traditions, but American as well.

With three families to visit on Easter, Easter was the only holiday that my father had top priority with my daughters.  My dad really enjoyed this holiday with his granddaughters.  An annual tradition, was having an Easter egg hunt in his back yard, followed by a high salt ham dinner, prepared by him.  This continued until his passing in 2014.

My daughters also know this time period being difficult for me, as in 2008, just a few weeks after Easter, I learned the major way my life would change, due to late developing side effects caused from my cancer treatments.  The first such side effect, I was dying from a “widow maker” heart condition, blockage of my heart, resulting in  emergency open heart surgery.

Several years later, I filed for divorce.  As is common with divorce, there has to be an agreement with custody.  I do not refer to them as visitation, as I do not consider myself a visitor.  I am the father of my daughters, and they are with me at certain times of the year as agreed.

Already mentioning holidays not having the same value as they would for their mother, I agreed to have my daughters spend the Easter holiday with their mother, while I would still have them during the Easter break period.

And that is how it has been for the years that followed, until now.

The hardest decision that I had to make, actually several times now, has been to cancel time with my daughters.  The crisis with Corona Virus which has affected the world, has affected so many lives beyond just the health and safety levels.

While my daughters were not even born when I dealt with my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, they were there when I had my open heart surgery, and several other times, when I faced a medical emergency, including watching me be carried out of my home at 4am in the morning by ambulance, dying from septic pneumonia.  I control what my daughters hear from me in regard to the virus itself, and the possible impact with me.  But they definitely understand the risk and danger with the various exposures  of travelling to see each other.  While science points that the virus is not as much as a risk to youth, they do not want to see anything happen to me.

For the first time, I am unable to actually spend time with my daughters during this holiday period.  And it does weigh heavy on my heart.

One thing that I have always done with them is spend at least some time, in church.  Two years ago, I took them to the church where I used to run a youth group.  On Good Friday every year, the church would hold a very somber service, entirely by its youth.  It was a very powerful and symbolic service that would culminate in the service ending in darkness, and departing in silence, to wait for Easter.  My daughters enjoyed that particular service.  They understand the role of religion in my life, and what role I want it to play in their lives.

This virus has different plans though.  And for the first time, there is no church for me, at least in person.  It is not a hard decision, in spite of government officials not having the guts themselves to make the decision, not to physically attend church.  With technology available, churches have a variety of resources to broadcast services, through radio, television, or streaming.  In spite of this, there are still some churches that feel that it is their responsibility to hold services, even if God allows congregational members to contract and possibly die from the virus.  It would be God’s plan.

That is not the God that I grew up with.

I have made the sacrifices that I have had to make in regard to spending time with my daughters, so that not only would I not contract the virus, but put others at risk.  It really is not that much to ask, for a brief time period, to ask churches to do the right thing, and keep their doors closed, physically, not spiritually and technologically while our country does its best to eliminate this crisis.  I want to spend time with my daughters as much as church goers want to attend church Easter Sunday.  But lives depend on the decisions that we make.

For me, that decision is easy.  Stay home.

Happy Easter.   There is always next year.

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