Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the month “January, 2015”

Is The Dog Walking You?


I was out last evening for my usual walk, okay, I officially call it my exercise.  There must have been a special event nearby, because last evening there were a lot of dogs being walked.  There were dogs of many breeds, but as no surprise, the most numerous in attendance, were Golden Retrievers.

dog walking

Of course the idea of any exercise is to keep active, but I could not help it.  These furry “speed bumps” (speed bump defined as something that slows you down…lol) immediately stopped me in my tracks.  There were blonde, rust colored, puppies, and old-timers.  No matter what variety, any pet contact that a person can have, will have an immediate impact on your mental health for the better (unless you are one of the unfortunate people who have legitimate fears of animals).

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But it was the action of one of the Goldens that caught my eye, and triggered a happy memory back to my Pollo, my fourteen year old Golden that passed away a little over a year ago.

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Pollo was known to everyone as “the happy Golden.”

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He enjoyed all kinds of attention and showed it by this endless smile he always wore.  He was always pleasant whether at home, at the vet, or at the groomer.  There was just one thing that annoyed him, being on a leash.  Let’s face it.  If you are a dog owner, none of us want our “best friend” to be tied to a leash.  Dogs are meant to run free.  But unless your dog is 100% trained and compliant, all it takes is one simple distraction, like when I yelled “squirrel” to Pollo and he would race to the patio door to survey the yard for little furry varmints.  It would be at least two to three minutes before I could get his attention again.

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I saw Pollo’s disdain for the leash on two occasions.  And both were before his first birthday.  The first was during a house party, with people entering and exiting our house, Pollo being a social fur friend, wanted to be included in the party.  He was friendly enough so there was no reason not to.  But to allow people peace and be able to eat, I tethered him to our huge shade-providing maple tree.  Of course he would never yank on it, I had him trained to be on the leash.  Instead, he simply chewed through the very thick nylon rope and then proceeded to receive lots of yummy treats from my guests.

The second time occurred when I was getting him groomed.  While dogs are being cut, or dried, or whatever process they are involved in, dogs are often secured with a leash, not only for security so the dogs do not jump from the grooming table at the sight of another animal, or curious on-lookers, but in case the groomer needs to step away.  And it just took less than two minutes for that to happen, Pollo chewed threw a thick leash, almost an inch wide, and was enjoying his solo tour through the grooming salon.

Yes, all it took was for me to see one of the dogs last night, carrying his own leash, walking his owner.  And for that time, I benefited more from some pet therapy, than physical exercise.  I walk because I need to take care of my heart and my lungs.  But the stress that I deal with on a daily level can be more harmful than the conditions that challenge my physically.  And by thinking back to a happier time, that stress was gone for quite a while last night.

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Crossing A Line


“I always feel like somebody’s watching me
And I have no privacy
Woh, I always feel like somebody’s watching me
Who’s playing tricks on me?
Tell me who’s watching
Oh, what a mess I wonder who’s watching me now.”

– Rockwell 1984

Rockwell

It hurts when a relationship ends.  And it can be on any level from a boyfriend/girlfriend status, or marriage.  Many find themselves able to move on, many cannot.  Some no longer have any ties to their ex, others face familial or business arrangements forcing hostile cooperation.

But what happens when one person just does not want to let go, that one person either wants to keep a flame burning, or completely destroy the one who broke their heart?  Any time a relationship ends, there will always be questions about why, what could have been, or what next.  Depending on the level of commitment, will determine the level of support needed to get through this period.

A relationship that ends will hopefully lead to something more positive.  But for others, a darker path gets crossed.

Simple communications such as emails and texts with other motives than those expressed, can cross a fine line.  There is a huge difference between the legality of free speech, if you feel threatened or harassed by the communications.  Sending unwanted emails, texts, or other mail, collecting information, spying, or “trolling” the internet, spreading rumors or misrepresenting facts and assumptions are all illegal acts because they are meant to intimidate and harass.

But if you do not give the perpetrator the response that they are looking for, that is when the legal authorities need to be involved before emotions and actions escalate any further, possibly violent.  There is no room to assume things will not get worse if you see this behavior and it is for the benefit, yes, benefit, for both individuals at that point to have the legal authorities involved.

Thank You Michael


Today has not been a particularly great day for me.  I am dealing with divorce related issues that have me quite frustrated and taking me away from productive efforts needed elsewhere.  Someone must have sensed I either needed a break, or even a reminder, that no matter how bad things have gotten for me as of late, to never forget who I am, and that I do matter.

Yesterday, I published a story about Michael, a young man who lost his life to the same cancer that I had faced at his age.  I spoke about our interactions and similarities with each other.  It was really meant to be nothing more than a tribute for a friend.  What I got back in return has just left me sitting here speechless, in tears.

Michael’s mother had been going through his room this morning looking for something in particular, when she came across some of Michael’s belongings that she still had not gone through yet.

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This is my “heart” pillow that I used when I had my open heart surgery.  When I found out that Michael was not given one to help comfort him with coughs and sneezes from his recovery of heart surgery, I mailed him mine.

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The book pictured on the left, is my second effort published with a story called “Life On A Class 5” comparing the journey of cancer, with taking a whitewater rafting trip down the toughest of rivers…no easy task.  But even more touching, was the fact that he had my chapter bookmarked by keeping a newsletter that I wrote an article on cancer survivorship for Memorial Sloan Kettering, dealing with “survivor guilt”.  But trying to make a personal connection, one survivor to another, Michael kept his treatment completion certificate, dated August 6th, 2013 in my book as well.

I wrote a story several years ago called “Jennifer’s Story” (in the pages section of this blog).  It was about how I spent the entire time counseling this teenager, who would also pass from Hodgkin’s, and how she never spoke a word to me.  I just sat with her, keeping her company.  But when the time came, that hospice would be taking over for me, the only time I ever heard her speak, was to ask me, “you will still come to visit me won’t you?”.  All the time that I spent with her, I never once thought my time mattered to her.

With Michael, it was a bit different, because I was making friends through his family, so there would have always been that contact.  But otherwise, I had no idea how much our interaction actually meant to Michael, until this morning.

Thank you Michael.

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