Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

“Come Monday It’ll Be Alright…”


What do the following words have in common: escapism, paradise, “trop rock,” Parrothead? For many who woke up this morning to the news, they mean the loss of a music icon and legend, Jimmy Buffett. This photo was on the cover of Buffett’s official web page, and could not be worded any more descriptively of the man’s true loves, “family, friends, music, and dogs”. “He lived his life like a song to his very last breath…”

I don’t have many childhood memories of Jimmy Buffett, but I do know that I must have heard his music at some point in time, because as I got older, I recognized songs such as “Margaritaville,” “Come Monday,” and “A Pirate Looks At Forty,” that as an adult they would become definitely picks for me to sing at karaoke as many do. For me, his music was a perfect fit, as his voice range was spot on with mine. A lesser interest of mine, playing guitar, his music was also fairly easy for me to pick up and play on guitar as well. The ultimate experience, was getting to see him perform in person.

I would spend many of my days over the recent years, sitting out on my lanai, overlooking the Gulf Of Mexico, overcome by large amounts of stress, related to my health issues and divorce, finding a way to decompress, playing and singing Jimmy Buffet music with the backdrop of a Florida sunset. It would not be long, before I had found peace and relaxation.

Escapism. Escapism is defined by Merriam-Webster as the “habitual diversion of the mind to purely imaginative activity or entertainment as an escape from reality or routine.” I would compare it to meditation, but a lot more fun. Buffett was a story teller in his music, and as he told every song, listeners could often find themselves “taken back” to those lyrics, and “see” themselves in those songs. Whether “watching shrimp beginning to boil,” or “heading to San Francisco,” we could see everything he sang to us. It gave us a three or four minute opportunity, longer if listening to an entire album, to forget about the many things that were causing us strife and heartache.

Those who were able to see Buffett in concert, in person, were treated as if it was one big party, with 40-60,000 of their closest friends, because for two to three hours, EVERYONE was focused on the same thing, enjoying the musical paradise that was a Jimmy Buffett concert. Though I enjoyed his music, it wasn’t until later on my life that I got to see him for the first time. But boy did I get the enthusiasm, the enjoyment. And no, it was not the aroma of pot wafting through the air or getting slopped up with rum drinks getting spilled everywhere as fans danced to the music. It was truly an experience to not care about anything, forget everything, for those few hours.

Then there is the nerd in me. I love music, most genres anyway. I am not the greatest fan of today’s corporate sounds as I do not see many influential artists as there were in the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s. At least not many that will have a lasting impact, albeit, perhaps Taylor Swift. But through Buffett, fans learned to experience other genres of music besides how his music was labelled, “trop rock” (short for tropical rock, the musical sounds you want to hear chilling out on a beach, sipping a rum drink). In recent years, it was not uncommon for Buffett to perform duets, especially with country artists like Kenny Chesney (“Hey Good Lookin'” cover), Zac Brown (“Knee Deep”), Alan Jackson(“It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere”), and pop artists like Lionel Richie (“All Night Long” cover) and rock artist Bret Michaels of Poison (“Margaritaville” performed live in concert). Buffett’s music had crossed over into so many other genres with so many different artists, only increasing more fans to his music.

The best story of Buffett though, is not in his songs, but his life. There are documentaries all over, as well as interviews. He has even been in some movies, one inspired by his fans, called “Parrotheads,” and the other, one of the best rockumentaries of music from the 80’s, “Under The Volcano,” about one of the most beautiful and influential recording studios and sessions, owned by Beatles former producer George Martin, recorded by so many well known artists, one being Buffett, until destroyed by the volcano of Montserrat. Buffett was constantly compared to Mark Twain and Ernest Hemmingway with his communication style, which is coincidental as both Hemmingway and Buffett spent a lot of time in Key West, though before Key West became the touristy place that it is today. But during his concerts and interviews, Buffett would share stories of his past, in regions with historical pirate and smuggling legends, often getting caught in the middle of his own legal challenges. But he always came out, cool and chill as ever.

One thing I had not known previously about Jimmy Buffett, was that he was born on Christmas Day. Perhaps that is one reason his music was perhaps one of the greatest gifts any of us could have to listen to his music.

Though he had to stop touring back in May due to undisclosed health reasons, as if being in your mid-70’s is not an excuse enough, I believe he was planning yet another album release. I know as of a few years ago, he was still sounding great, and singing live (unlike other musicians who no longer have “it” and should retire instead of using recorded tracks).

The one message that Buffett can leave a permanent imprint on our lives, after a 9-5 work day of stress and toil, “it’s 5 O’Clock somewhere,” and that means it is time to escape and relax. Enjoy life, just as he clearly did. With being a long time cancer survivor, music, and this escapism, has always been a part of my survival.

Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Month


September brings around again, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Month, Lymphoma Month, Blood Cancer Month, and Leukemia Month. This year marks 35 years that I was diagnosed with then, Hodgkin’s Disease, now referred to as Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I still do not understand the need to change the name, after all, Shakespeare wrote, “a rose by any other name is still a rose.” Cancer is still cancer, whether you call it “disease” or just lymphoma.

To have survived this long, I have seen so much progress in the diagnosis, treatment, and after care of the cancer I was once told, “if you are going to get a cancer, this is the one to get.” Yes, my doctor told me that. Many of my fellow Hodgkin’s were told this stupid line. While statistically, it has one of the highest remission rates, nobody wants to have cancer.

In the four decades…wow that sounds weird writing it that way… since my diagnosis, most of the barbaric methods to diagnose and stage Hodgkin’s are no longer used, such as the dreaded lymphangiogram and the staging laparotomy. The treatments that were used to get me into remission, some of the most toxic and dangerous drugs and radiation levels, are pretty much obsolete or at least used in lower levels (the idea of treating more with less). And most importantly, if medicine is going to get us into long term remission, doctors now know that we must be followed up for the rest of our lives, because of the potential late developing side effects from our treatments, that decades ago, science was unaware of the potential, because science had no idea, it was never researched what happens to Hodgkin’s survivors who survive longer than that magical five years we all reach for, just to believe that we beat Hodgkin’s once and for all.

Something else we have now that I know I did not have back when I was dealing with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, a plethora of information at my fingertips, which would help to support my survivorship, guide me to important guidance for care needed for unexpected and unknown maladies related to my treatments. Social media would also bring together, and into my life, some of the greatest human beings I will ever know, my fellow survivors of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, many from all over the world. And I have met so many of them. I often refer to them as my “brothers and sisters” or “phoma homies”. The true inspiration for me, are my fellow survivors that are ahead of me 40, 50, even 60 years of survivorship!

I wish that all forms of cancer could celebrate the successes that we of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma get to do. But I would be remiss, if I did not recognize all of those who did not survive, or lost their lives due to conditions related to their late side effects.

I have no regrets in my life during my survivorship. I have so many things to be grateful for, especially my two daughters. I am blessed that I have gotten to see both of them grow up into young women, heading in their own directions now. They were not born yet when I had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, but they are aware of my history, all of those who have come into my life, and know the price my body has paid for that remission. And they do not hold back, when they have an opportunity to talk about their Dad, hoping that relaying my story to someone they know battling any cancer, might inspire them as well.

Though I have no control over my health, I have no problem stating, I am far from done. I may have page showing my next milestone of 40 years, but 50 years as a cancer survivor is my ultimate goal.

Thank you everyone for following and reading “Paul’s Heart” all of these years. I am finally 95% done writing my first book of the same name, and I do have three more planned. Please, as always, feel free to share my stories. If you are ever looking for the one of the ultimate cancer survivors to speak at one of your events, give me a ring/email. One of the greatest joys I get, and my way of giving back, is to inspire others.

Anyone Can Have A “Broken” Heart


Realizing that not all of my readers know who this behemoth athlete is, I want to assure you, this post is not about his career as a professional wrestler. But in fact, regardless of his physical condition, many of us can relate to him, at least with one of his life experiences. For those that do not know who he is, his name is Paul Levesque, and to wrestling fans, he is “Triple H” (Hunter Hurst Helmsley), also going by the nickname “The Game.” Extremely successful as a pro wrestler, he rose to the ranks of the industry when he married the daughter of the owner of the World Wrestling Federation, where he still holds a high up management position. So, you now know all you need to know about Triple H for this post.

A video came across my feed this morning, and admittedly being a wrestling fan (at least used to be), the text labeling the video got my attention, especially with the recent passing of a young fellow superstar wrestler, Bray Wyatt. You take for granted, that as good a condition these athletes are in, while yes, some may be enhanced, still, they are in great condition. You expect to see these guys get injured doing what they do. And while many professional wrestlers do struggle with their health, HHH was the last one I expected to see discuss this.

A little over a year ago, Helmsley did an interview with Stephen Smith on the show “First Take.” He was telling the situation back in 2021, when we were still dealing with crushing Covid19 cases, he had developed pneumonia which continued to get worse, eventually getting the attention of his wife. Further studies revealed that while he did not have Covid19, he did have fluid in his lungs and around his heart. A major indicator of an issue with the heart, is called “ejection fraction,” simply put, how well the blood is being pumped through the heart. A good number averages between 55-60%. His EF was dropping rapidly to 30%, then 22%. He was in heart failure. Doctor’s performed what is called a catheterization, which is when they send a tube, usually through an artery in the leg or arm, to the heart. Then, they are able to get a look at exactly what is going on inside the heart, and what needs to be done to correct it.

During the interview, HHH says that he was diagnosed with a “widow maker,” a blockage of the left anterior descending artery, a main artery of the heart.

A “widow maker” is the same condition that almost killed me as well back in 2008. I will admit, I still suffer flashbacks when I hear the term, or hear of someone I know being diagnosed with this condition. Many of my fellow long term cancer survivors have been on the receiving end of my “GET YOUR ASS TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM NOW!” when they describe how they are feeling, because I have never forgotten those symptoms. Fortunately, those that bore that wrath from me, while they indeed have the same condition, were all operated on in time, saving their lives. There is a reason this condition is called a “widow maker”, because a person typically ends up having a major and fatal heart attack.

Helmsley does not explain what procedure was done to save his life. There are two possibilities. Either while being cathed, they were able to place a stent or more, which was less invasive and a quicker recovery, or open heart bypass surgery. As he has retired from wrestling any more, he is no longer seen without his shirt, so I am unable to know if he has the “zipper” scar down the middle of his chest. And though if cathed, he might still be able to physically handle more wrestling, with open heart surgery, I can tell you, having had my chest cracked open, this would not be something I would want to experience a body slam having done to me.

Two years later, he is still doing well. But in his interview with Smith, it was a different situation that caught me by surprise from the tough persona of his, but not as a survivor of heart surgery. Recalling the crisis, HHH mentioned the fact, that he had three daughters, at the time of this crisis they were 15, 13, and eleven I believe. He immediately began to well up and get emotional, clearly at the thought of never seeing his daughters again, and them becoming fatherless. That started me to well up, because I know this feeling.

It should not come as a shock for a father’s emotions to be revealed in such a time of crisis. What may surprise you, as it did me, was how little control a heart survivor has, when that dam of emotions burst. Like HHH, I was afraid I would never see my daughters again. I was only 42 years old at the time, my daughters 5 and 3 years old. Combine that with the face, both he and I were dying. It was not a question of “if,” but “when.” I do not know about Helmsley, but I know myself, prior to this, I rarely showed any emotion, ever, even with funerals of close family members, never a tear. That all changed when I had my heart surgery.

So along with all the support I give to cancer patients and survivors, I now do the same with heart patients. The questions are always the same, “what should I expect?”, with the majority of answers being about wound care, cardiac rehab, pain management, and other physical aspects. I always make sure that it gets mentioned, to seek emotional support, for the very reason that both HHH and I had experienced. It is a mistake to underestimate just how hard the emotions hit, when faced with something this severe.

While I know Levesque is done wrestling, as a father myself, I do hope that he gets as much time that he can with his daughters now. Something I know he will never take for granted.

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