Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Super Baby – Part 2


It appears that I am not going to have to wait another thirty years to see my football team get to the Super Bowl. Last night, my Seattle Seahawks defeated the division rivals the San Francisco 49ers to advance to the greatest show on earth. Of course, this similar scenario took place eight years ago.

During the 2005 football season, the Seahawks were catching everyone by surprise. Even more of a surprise was that they were advancing deep into the playoffs. At the same time, another major event in my life had been advancing. I was deep into the process of adopting my second daughter, Emmalie.

You probably have co-workers that operate football pools or bet on the games, and I was no different. I stayed away from them, because I am a much better fan than a gambler. However, January 2006 was different. I had a bravado that had me making statements like “Put your house on Seattle”. I actually told a co-worker, a very serious better with football, to bet his house. Of course, he looked at me like I was crazy. But I was very serious.

If you have followed me a long time, or even just begun, you can see I do not really have the greatest of luck (though it is beginning to turn around). In my past, anything good that happened to me, always ended up underminded, a cruel Murphy’s Law trick.

My paperwork from China for Emmalie was on its way from China, meaning that I would be travelling soon. Though the Super Bowl was three weeks away, I had to prepare myself, that if the Seahawks were to get to the Super Bowl in 2006, no, they were going to get to the Super Bowl in 2006, I was not going to be able to be here to watch the game. Although clearly, I was much more eager to meet my youngest daughter. Conflicted, but eager.

I told my co-worker to bet everything he had, including his house, that the Seahawks would beat the St. Louis Rams (another division rival) in the NFC Championship game to advance to the Super Bowl. And then I explained why. Of course he looked at me as if I were three gallons of crazy in a two gallon bucket. But I stood firm. Unfortunately for him, he did not share my confidence. I do not know how much he had wagered, but clearly he did not win his full potential.

As expected, the Seahawks won and advanced to the Super Bowl on February 6, 2008. As expected, I got my notice that I would be travelling to China to adopt the newest addition to my family, Emmalie on February 9th. But at least I would get to the my team for the first time in its history, play in the Super Bowl.

I received a telephone call just a week before February 4th. It was the adoption agency. “Mr. Edelman, I’m happy to tell you that your travel date has been moved up to February 6th.” That was great news! I would get to hold Emmalie sooner. Then it hit me, that was Super Bowl Sunday. Oh well, I would just have to rely on the DVR, because big sister Madison and I were too anxious to travel to China to bring Emmalie home.

There is one bad thing to the technology in 2006, memory usage. My DVR had been erased back to zero per cent used, so I had plenty of space to record the game. What I had not been counting on, was that my ex was taping all of her soap operas while we were gone. Of course I had to record the Super Bowl in high def which would take up more memory, but look great. BUt unfortunately, when the memory maxed out, the DVR would start to delete the oldest programs first. So, after two weeks of recording two soap operas every day, when we arrived home from China with Emmalie, though I already knew the results of the game from two weeks before, and being jet-lagged with the thirteen hour time difference, I still wanted to watch the game.

What game? Memory usage had pushed the oldest program off of the DVR, in other words, my Super Bowl. I never got to see it after all.

As we sat at the table last night, Emmalie and I had a conversation on how she and I were going to watch this year’s Super Bowl together. Even more strange, thanks to a childhood friend, even my oldest daughter is into football now. Although it is more because she heard of a football player with our last name (Julian Edelman of the Patriots).

It was an entertaining game, not pretty, but gutsy. But in two weeks, my Super Bowl baby, now eight, and my older daughter will sit down and watch the spectacle that I missed eight years ago. I have always enjoyed telling the story of the game that never was. That I was flying over the North Pole during the kickoff of my football team’s first Super Bowl appearance. But the eight years of memories being the father of two beautiful little girls… priceless.

When Medicine Is Not Working


I am sitting in one of my specialist’s offices waiting for my turn, which is being delayed by the constant interruption of drug reps and insurance reps. And since I wrote yesterday that I would talk about medicines in my last post, I felt it ironic that everything is coming together at this moment.

My entire life, I grew up rarely taking any kind of medicine. When I do get sick these days, my family doctor is always amused that my body can probably get by with simple Penicillin because I have not built my immunity against all other kinds of antibiotics. Of course, that all changed when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. At that point, I had all kinds of toxins put into my body. This was supposed to be a good thing. These medicines were going to make me better. That is what medicines are supposed to do. But what happens when medicines stop working?

I continued my record of not taking medicines following the completion of my cancer treatments. I believed that enough garbage had been put into my system. I experienced all kinds of side effects in the short run, and long term. Back when I was exposed to all of those drugs, potential side effects were not really discussed openly, simply as “matter of fact.” Today, you cannot escape the television commercials for long awaited hopes for cures to crippling illnesses only to have to face the disclaimers at the end of the commercial that warns of all kinds of horrible and potentially fatal side effects. After hearing most of the possibilities, I cannot for the life of me wonder why anyone would take that risk.

But I do not want this post to be about side effects, but more about what happens when the medicines are no longer working, yet we continue to take them, just because the doctors tell us to. Just a few years prior to my open heart surgery, after more than ten years of my doctors bugging me, I finally relented to take a simple drug called Synthroid to help me with a thyroid that was pretty much destroyed courtesy of my radiation therapy. My alternative would be to face a good possibility of thyroid cancer otherwise. Soon, other drugs would follow as my cholesterol got out of control, and after that, my blood pressure. Following my heart surgery, more blood pressure medicines, and then pain became an issue as various muscles and bones began to show their effects from the radiation and chemotherapies. But, the bottom line, they worked. Next to the pain I was dealing with, the biggest issue I struggled with following the heart surgery was insomnia.

I began taking Ambien, low dose to get me to sleep. Not helping, I graduated to the higher dose, but that too would not keep me asleep more than two to three hours. Then it was up to the controlled release, a pill meant to keep you asleep for eight hours. Just like everything else, it was not doing the job. To make matters worse, I was developing memory issues, and the first half of my days were pretty much spent in a “fog”. You see, Ambien CR can last in your system much longer than the eight hours it is meant to work. From my understanding, it can last up to twelve hours.

I have said before, I believe most medicines “mask” the ailments, in other words, they just treat the symptoms, not cure the cause. I believe medicine is just too quick to say, “here, take this” whether it be for depression, sleep, or pain.

Getting back to my Ambien problem, and that is what it was, a problem, because I was taking a pill to help me sleep, and it was not working. The trick was trying to find out why. It was not long until I discovered that it was the enormous amount of daily stress I was under. And once I learned to recognize and deal with my stressors, I was able to get to sleep, and without the Ambien. But another neat thing happened soon after. With less stress, I got more sleep, my pain levels seemed to get better. My body was finally getting the rest it needed. Do not get me wrong, I still have chronic pain, but it is easier to deal with because of increased sleep, and I have stopped pushing my body harder than I felt that I needed to.

As of today, I am now off all sleep medicines, and all pain medicines. I still have an occasional bad day, but I have more good days that I can tolerate them. The only pills I have to take are for my thyroid, and my cholesterol and blood pressure. I have already asked my doctors to consider taking me off of those meds, but to no avail. It is felt with my health history, I have enough stacked against me, and any preventative help I can get I should take. For now, I am still complying.

But when the medicines no longer work, why would I continue to take them? Exposing myself to long term risks and side effects and possibly addiction? My ailments are real, just as many others, and those ailments should be dealt with, not covered up by drugs that simply cover up the pain and discomforts. What is causing the issue, and deal with that, not just the symptoms.

Turning Things Around


As a rule, I am generally a positive person. I have to be. It would be too easy just to be swallowed up by all the negativity in the world whether it be the news on the television, co-workers, or even family and friends. The “deck” has been stacked against me my entire life, but I always found a way to get through whatever challenge was thrown my way. No matter the challenges, being bullied in school, cancer, heart surgery, and now in the later stages of my second divorce, I am always able to find my way through, “rise up from the ashes like a Phoenix”.

At the age of 48, it is time to stop living challenge to challenge. I have always had strong faith in a supreme being (I am respectful to all religions which is why I worded it that way) so that has never been an issue. Physically, as the school bullies found out, I can take a pretty good beating. However, emotionally, it has always been a struggle of the old “one step forward, two steps back.” I would get so far through one crisis just to realize that another crisis had been lying in wait. But, as always, I was positive I was going to get through anything thrown at me. I am ready now to take two steps forward, and push back against anything thrown at me.

As I recovered from my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, having gained over fifty pounds from the chemotherapy, it was positive thinking and commitment that helped me to get back into physical condition, drop the excess weight. I had done it. But just that quickly, as always, was another set back.

My recovery from emergency heart surgery was no different, just more cautious. But as time went on, again, there were factors standing in line against me. It was discovered that late developing side effects were now coming to the front of my physical condition. And as I have done every time, I have taken them on head on. But over recent years, it has required the help of prescription medications, meaning, it has not resolved my problems, just hidden them. But that is going to be my next post. Right now, I am so pumped up because I think I have finally found the right direction to stay several steps ahead of negativity and finally talk the talk, and walk the walk.

To have a positive outcome, I have had to surround myself with the most positive and supportive people, professional, family, and friends. It sounds simple. I had heard through my life “you can do it” or “hang in there.” That is not good enough. Positive support and reinforcement means just that, constant, all in. Unlike my recovery from my cancer and heart surgery, I am surrounded by people who genuinely want to see me live a life, free from all the forces that try to stand in my way.

I have struck gold in a dietician who has told me, “I’m not going to give up on you”. Evidently something that I said sparked that response. I have gone through three other dieticians to get a grip on my finicky and poor diet choices. And I am heading in the right direction no longer struggling to try new foods, and also eat healthy. I am being encouraged very strongly, with plenty of incentive, to exercise. Yes, the incentive of a healthy body should be good enough, but there are so many wonderful things that are waiting for me. I have been exercising regularly and it is beginning to show. Finally, the emotional part of this journey, dealing with the stress that often comes along with the trials, but also contributes to their effects. I strongly believe that a lot of the medications that I was placed on following my heart surgery were due to the stress I have been under.

A challenge has been issued to me within the next 30 days. It is a realistic goal to me. I can reach this because I am surrounded by people who want to see me succeed. This time, I really want to turn things around.

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