Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

“Hey, Why The Long Face?”


A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender approaches the customer for his order and asks, “hey, why the long face?”

a-horse-cant-stand-that-old-joke-anymore-horse-long-face-jok-demotivational-posters-1306795814

It is an old joke, but for the purposes of this post, a great example of how something so obvious can be further from what is actually the case.  It happens a lot to us as humans as well.

Years ago, following shortly after my heart surgery, a comment was made to me, that I needed to cheer up.  And I remember that initial comment very well.  Because all things considered that I was going through at the time, I was actually in a pretty good mood.  But my co-worker who was making the erroneous judgment of my mood, was actually reacting to a physical observation.

Unbeknownst to me, I had developed a habit of walking with my head down, as if sulking, or perhaps sad or depressed.  And it had been so common for me to be seen this way, that friends and co-workers had grown concerned.  I do not know how long this had been going on, but it appeared that I finally got attention for it.  I lifted my head up, and looked at my coworker and told him that I was fine.  He told me that he was getting so concerned about me, because I had been walking with my head down for so long.

About the same time, I became a patient at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in their “survivorship clinic” studying long term cancer survivors for late effects, and how to manage them.  The first two doctors remarked almost immediately upon my physical appearance once I had removed my shirt.  Both had confirmed that I had lost a major amount of muscle mass from my upper body area, the same area that had been subjected to an ungodly amount of radiation to treat me for my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  So, not only did the radiation cause the need for my heart surgery, but it had also caused damage to my physical being.

The good thing about being seen at a long term survivor clinic that specializes in the care of those of us who have survived their cancer for as long as we have, and unfortunately developed severe, permanent, non-reversing conditions, is that at least we would at least learn how to manage the side effects, and the pain and discomforts that come with them.

For the purposes, I am only going to touch on one of these physical issues from the radiation damage, also known as Radiation Fibrosis Syndrome.  Dr. Michael Stubblefield (one of my physicians at MSKCC) discusses this medical condition in great detail on the web site:

http://www.cancerforward.org

“Dr. Stubblefield explains in his article, “Any tissue within the radiation field can be affected including nerves, muscles, blood vessels, bones, tendons, ligaments, heart or lungs. The clinical manifestations (i.e., signs and symptoms) that result from RF are called radiation fibrosis syndrome (RFS). RF can occur a few weeks or months after radiation treatment and continues for the duration of a cancer survivor’s life. The patient and their doctor may not notice RFS until years after treatment. Unfortunately, there is no way to stop the progressive RF that results from radiation treatment.”

In all my years exercising, I never noticed the physical difference with my body following my cancer treatments.  But once it was pointed out to me, I could see it very clearly.  Any exercise you do, works out a specific group of muscles.  This is why you are supposed to a do well-rounded routine of exercises so that you concentrate on all groups of muscles.  But when you have lost muscle mass, and you exercise only the groups of muscle that you have left, the visibility is obvious.  I am missing half of my pectoral muscles (making it look like I only have the lower half of each breast), the majority of both of my deltoids are gone, and my trapezius muscles are non-existent.  So that is just the upper torso muscle damage.

When you get to my neck, I have lost the majority of the lateral (rear) muscles of my neck from radiation deterioration, and have some anterior (front) muscle loss.  While not textbook by definition, because I still have muscle in the front of my neck, the effect is still the same, my head was drooping, or dropping.

Many of us “older” Hodgkin’s patients have a visual description of our radiated neck area, referred to as “Hodgkin’s Neck” because with no muscle mass of the neck, the neck of a Hodgkin’s survivor may have a “pencil neck” appearance.  And it is very obvious.  Those who have this amount of loss are probably more susceptible to the “drooping head” simply by not having the strength to support the weight of the skull.

In my case, the front muscles of my neck actually pull my head forward, having no resistance from the lack of lateral muscles.  Hence, my head hung low constantly, unaware of why.  But it was not because of my mood, there was an actual physical cause.  Combine this issue, with the fact that I was dealing with my surgically repaired chest muscles following my open heart surgery, which were now also pulling my both of my shoulders forward.

dropped head 1

This is where Dr. Stubblefield came in.  Where every other doctor outside of the MSKCC network that I was being seen by, only Dr. Stubblefield recognized what needed to be done.  I would have two choices, either something referred to as a “headmaster collar,”

dropped head 2

or physical therapy.  Dr. Stubblefield was allowing me to make my decision.

As Dr. Stubblefield stated further in his Cancerforward.org article:

“Physical therapy is highly individualized to the patient and involves normalizing body balance by stretching tight structures, strengthening weakened muscles, and retraining the body’s sensory organs to re-establish coordination. For instance, in the case of HL patients with dropped head syndrome and severe neck pain, functional deficits are not just a simple matter of the patient not having enough strength and endurance to lift their head. Invariably their chest wall and pectoral girdle are tight and bound down with their shoulders forward which puts their neck in a flexed position. All of this must be released which is where advanced myofascial techniques come into play. Their core muscles must also be strengthened and conditioned as they are almost always very weak. The fibrosis restricts the flow of lymph fluid throughout their chest and thorax creating a barrier that must be mobilized if the proprioceptors (sensory organs that provide position sensation) are to function effectively. Without properly functioning proprioceptors, the patient cannot even tell that their head is upright without their eyes open making them more prone to fatigue.”

Finally, not only has the condition been given a name, but also a firm definition and description, as well as a plan to manage the condition.  I chose physical therapy, and actually, went through several courses of physical therapy for not only my neck, but for the rest of the physical issues that I deal with.  I know very well the exercises that I must do, to keep from reversing back to my drooping head, not willing to say that it will come back.

dropped head 3

But all of the exercises in the world, cannot help, if a patient is not given the time to complete them.  There are a lot of exercises to be done, and they take time.  Finding a balance while trying to earning a living, raising a family, taking care of a household, and then finding time to complete physical therapy needs, after being clearly exhausted and fatigued, mean that the odds of the drooping head returning, are quite realistic.

Speaking on the behalf of not just Hodgkin’s Lymphoma patients and survivors, but all cancer patients and survivors, our bodies have gone through, or go through so much trauma, not just from the cancer itself, but also from the treatments.  Our bodies are changed forever.  It is so important to make sure that the doctors that care for us, not only recognize our issues, not only accept our issues as real, but give us the care and direction that we need, so that we can manage our lives to the fullest potential.

 

Walk And Chew Gum


This morning’s walk was quite an active one, much more than I like the morning walk to be.  For me, it is about starting my day, with a clear head, with a positive direction.

Everything can change during this walk, depending on what has happened in the days before.  As of late, you may as well throw everything I am dealing with in a blender and hit the “puree” button.

Like I said, I want my day to start off slowly, and constructively.  I only got a couple of blocks from the front door, when three or four things that have been on my mind regularly, quickly jumbled around in my head for the top story to be dealt with today.

Just as I lost focus of my morning ritual, there he was, Oakley.

Oakley

Though Oakley’s coat was much darker than what a golden retriever normally had, he was definitely a golden.  And yes, being the sucker I am for goldens, I had to stop and pet him.  This is not the first time that I have seen Oakley.  It is only natural that he has a very friendly personality.  I immediately got down on the ground so that my head was at the same level as his big “square head.”

Oakley lets me pet him, much the same way I used to pet Pollo, rubbing his chest under his chin, scratching and rubbing his ears, and of course reminding him just how handsome he is.  As I looked up to carry on a conversation with his owner, taking my attention away from Oakley, I got a reminder that my attention was desired somewhere else.

Just as Pollo used to do to me, Oakley took his left front paw, and placed it on my right arm which had been resting on my knee, similar to shaking “paws.”  I looked at Oakley and he had that huge golden grin.

Slowly my focus regained momentum, to start my day as I was intending to, one detail at a time, clear, and sharp.  I lowered Oakley’s paw back to the ground, stood up, and said goodbye to both Oakley and his owner, so that I could continue on my way.  Oakley was not ready to say goodbye, as he stayed in a seated position.  I crossed the street and looked back.  Oakley’s owner was trying to convince him it was time to move on, and Oakley was having no part of it.

Funny, Pollo had a stubbornness about him too.  Oakley was not ready to go, he wanted more attention from me.  Or perhaps he was just helping me, getting me to slow down my thoughts.  Enjoy the day.

Thank you Oakley.

My Mom


att_1419299461525141

I am going to do something I do not believe I have done yet, in the history of “Paul’s Heart.”  It is definitely long overdue.  This is my mother, Barbara, pictured along with my two daughters, HER granddaughters.

There is a lot of historical events between my mother and I over the years, some good… some not so good.  My mother had to work second shift to support my sister and I, which left us in the care of my grandmother during the week.  In my teen years, I occasionally had issues dealing with “step parenting” after she married to someone other than my biological father.  One quick side note, a comical one, she remarried another “Edelman”, but of absolutely no relation.  She obviously saved money on monogrammed items not having to change anything, but the most awkward event came during my first wedding, where at the reception, and the time came to introduce the groom’s family…

“Entering the room now is the groom’s family, mother of the groom Barbara Edelman, and she is escorted by her husband John Edelman.”

Of course everyone clapped.  And then this…

“Next is the father of the groom, Paul Edelman and he is accompanied by his wife Shirley.”  Wait for it… and we did.  The applause finally started about three seconds later when my bride’s extended family, and my non-family guests realized that I had stepparents.  Being a former disc jockey myself, and having done hundreds of wedding receptions, I never ran into this situation myself.  Looking back, I can still chuckle about it.

But during the second half of my life, I cannot say enough about the support that I have received and continue to receive from my mother.  It is hard enough for a parent to endure even one crisis involving their child.  She has gone from one crisis to another.  She has been there with me from my cancer diagnosis, my life-saving emergency heart bypass surgery, 2 near fatal cases of septic pneumonia, and now my second divorce.  My mother’s concern and love has never waivered.  And to be perfectly honest, also during these times she has also not been afraid to contradict my actions.  My mother believes in me, and it is not just because she is my mother.

My parents divorced when I was around 3 years of age.  And I want to state clearly, I have no idea why the divorce took place, nor do I want to know.  It is of no benefit to me, nor has it ever been.  During the process, all that mattered, was that the children were kept out of the middle of the proceedings and any aftermath.  Children were never, and should never be collateral damage.

My maternal grandmother, her sister, my uncles… I never heard anything bad about my father, nor the reason for the divorce.  My paternal grandfather, my dad’s siblings… I never heard anything bad about my mother., nor the reason for the divorce.  My sister and I were never restricted from seeing either one of our surviving grandparents or family members.

Now in my situation, it is a little more tricky, because I live so far away from my daughters.  But I do try to arrange visits with my mother and sister for my daughters.  My daughters love their cousins and want to continue seeing them.  When I do get to see my daughters, they may not always get the chance to visit with them, because my daughters must travel to visit me, and time would probably not allow a drive-by visit.

So I count on the old court adage, “do what is in the best interest of the children.”  My mother got to enjoy my daughters’ school choral concert (I wrote about the concert back in December, that I go to watch it live via Tango).  And not too long after that, my daughters go to spend the day with my mother, sister, and cousins.  Games were played, a movie watched, and enjoyed some yummy food.  They had a blast.

And that is what I want to give my mother credit for.  She knows of nearly every detail of the divorce, and continues to be impartial, while still offering me support.  There is no conversation with the girls about the divorce process.  And the only mention of me is to tell my daughters how much my mother knows that I love them.  With me living so far away, all she wants is to be able to see her granddaughters, and because my mother has not interfered with the divorce process, she has made visits successful, and about the girls.  Visits with their paternal grandmother are in the best interest of the girls.

Look, in the divorce world, it is hard enough getting the parents to work things out amicably, especially when one parent continues to drive a “dagger” through the heart of the process, a win at all costs.  But only recently are grandparents finally getting rights to see their grandchildren.  The laws are vague because of terminology, instead of using “visitation”, the courts want to use custody, which in many cases, it is not about the grandchild staying with the grandparent, but only for there to be allowed visits.  And while the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the parental rights over the grandparents (Troxel v. Granville 2000 – a 3-3 decision by the way), it was clearly a vague resolution, saying that it was never made clear through the Washington State Supreme Court that “harm” would come to the children by the grandparents being denied the right to see the children.  The decision would be left up to “fit” parents, what is in the best interest of the children.  Of course you can see how that works… with a couple divorcing or separating.

But in  Pennsylvania, the U.S. Supreme Court decision was challenged in 2006 in Hiller v. Fausey.  The case involved an 11 year-old boy whose mother died, and the father refused to let the maternal grandmother visit with the boy.  It was established that the boy had been close to his grandmother prior to the mother’s death, and thus, it was in the best interest, and decided by the court, to allow the grandmother to see her grandson.

While it was a victory, it should not come down to a court to decide what is best for a child.  But some feel it is best to go that route as if to prove something so pointless, that the actions clearly are not only not in the best interests of the child, but only self-serving for the objecting parent.

Bottom line, if forced, the courts will order what is best for the children’s interests.

Look, I loved my grandmother.

PART_1413411433365_Image1413411433361

I only wish that she would have had the chance to meet my daughters.  My girls would have loved her, and currently would have been taller than my grandmother.

But every child, when given the chance to be with their grandparents, grows a bond that has a bigger impact on a child than one can ever imagine.  And I saw this every time that my daughters visited with my mother and my sister and her family.  And it is my hope that the arrangements that we currently have, allow our daughters to have those visits.  As a courts agree, it is in the best interests of the children.

Post Navigation