Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

18 Jun 2015

Cancer – Facing Fears Of Relapse


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The line from Indian Jones that everyone remembers, “Snakes, I hate snakes!”  Always followed up in other IJ movies, “why does it always have to be snakes?”

This morning I was asked, “what are you afraid of?”  The individual was quite shocked at my reply, “nothing.”  Sure, there are things I do not like, there are situations that concern me, but being afraid, fear, is an often paralyzing circumstance.

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In the cancer world, and this is just my opinion, I do not think the feeling of fear is as strong at diagnosis, as it becomes post treatment.  Of course, we do not look forward to a diagnosis of cancer, but I think the majority of us faced with this situation will make up our minds, “I am going to get through this.”  We may not be crazy about some of the diagnostic tests that we get put through, but there generally is no fear at work.

Oddly, fear hits cancer patients, and survivors, usually after treatment ends.  And it can be a crippling fear, the fear of relapse, or recurrence.  And this is perfectly normal.  After all, it was one thing to take on the beast once, and beat it.  It is another to worry that it could come back.  And if it came back, knowing what we went through the first time, and to deal with it again, would use stronger methods of treatment that we could not be certain we could tolerate, or worse, not work at all because perhaps our cancer was not curable after all.  This is a legitimate feeling.

So, how do you deal with it?  I could tell you it gets better, just that simple.  And of course you would probably roll your eyes hearing me say that because that simply will not erase your concern.  But I will tell you, it does get better.  I am proof.  I went through the first follow up scan… to the six month mark… to my first anniversary… to number five.  And to be honest, even 25 years out now, the possibility exists that I could still face it again.  But the nerves of that first scan, soon faded months later, and then completely within a couple of years.

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I have faced a lot in my 25 year survivor period, and the two years battling cancer.  And I could easily let fear influence my prognosis.  But I do not.  I like the above phrasing of the letters from the word “fear”.  I will use another instance of my life where I actually apply the phrases of “fear” to get through my trials.  And it works no matter what situation I have faced, or will face in the future.

As if cancer were not bad enough, I faced open heart surgery in 2008.  If fear would have any appropriate time or place, this would be one of those instances.  But…

1)  I “faced it.”  I was going to die without the emergency bypass.  Fear had no place in the decision making.  I wanted to live.

2)  I “explored it.”  I checked out my surgeons, options.  I studied what could potentially happen to prepare for the surgery, and for life after the procedure.  I made sure everything was in place for my personal life, should anything happen.

3)  I “accepted it.”  I was either going to get through the surgery, or I was going to die.  It was that simple.  Only two results.  I was going to survive and move on with my life, in which case everything matters, or I would die, and then what exactly could I do about that?  So the idea was simple.  I was going to get through it.

4)  I “responded.”  My surgical team and post care team were the best.  I put all my faith in each and every one to deal with the risks, and especially pain management.  I could control nothing that they were in control of themselves.

I have used this philosophy many times in my life, and not just for illnesses.  And accepting what I must face, instead of being afraid of it, is what gets me through every time.  Even as I approach my sixth decade of existence, there are still things that I have not had to face in my life.  And I will face everything the same way as I have succeeded before.

I currently have friends who are still going through treatments, dealing with relapses, and some who are knocking on that door of the word “remission.”  And these are definitely scary times.  But in time, one day turns to one week.  One week turns to one month.  One month turns into one year.  One year turns into five years.  Five years turns into ten years.  Ten years turns into twenty-five.  And so on.  And each day you face those fears head on, you succeed because you know you have to.  And it does get easier.  I have been there and done that.

Yes, I know you want the treatments to end.  Yes, I know you want to hear the word remission.  Yes, I know you do not want to hear “new disease” or “relapse.”  But the fact is, it can happen.  But what will you do about it?  You will fight it just as hard as you did before.  And you know how to do it, and get through it.  There is no room for fear.  You face it, explore it, accept it, and respond.

Posted in Cancer, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart and tagged , | Leave a comment
17 Jun 2015

I Love Rock N Roll


Wow.  I just looked at my recent posts and realized that my topics have been quite heavy and it was time to write something a little more on the lighter side.  So, this is going to be a post, not about dealing with cancer, or my divorce, although to be honest, both are affected by this topic.

I rely on music to reduce stress and get me through difficult times.  I use image and visualization, along with the music to get me beyond my difficult times.  And the great thing, for the most part, at least the way that I enjoy music as of late, it is free.

I will start on a small scale.  If I can find a place that offers free music, and great local talent, I will be there.  I have some favorite bands down here that will find me in their audience regularly.  I do not dance.  And although I do enjoy karaoke, I have not joined any of them on stage.  When I go to hear them, it is all about hearing good music, cover songs, or originals.  And I have no problem giving them plugs right here, Essence, The Steve Peterman Trio, and the Robert Williamson Band.

But when I am sitting in my apartment, I usually have either my radio on, or listen to my CD’s, and so that no one things I am that technically disadvantaged, I also listen to my Ipod.

The thing is, I have listened to music my entire life, and as I hit my fifth decade at the end of the year, I have been listening to a lot of music over these years.  And that means that the bands that I listen to are quite old.  In fact, many of them are still recording and performing.

But is it right for a band to call itself by its original name, when the band is made up of different members than what it originally started with?  I am talking beyond the “Mike Love” and “Beach Boys” split concerts, and of course, members of fifties bands appearing solo on cruise ships.

These days, it is very rare for bands to have retained all of their original members.  Two of my favorite bands are Green Day and U2.

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Green Day has been around since the 1990’s, and U2, well, I remember playing them on college radio before they became popular courtesy of MTV.  But both of these bands have retained their original members and are still going today.

Over the years, lead singers seemed to want more notoriety than just being front men for the majorly successful bands.  Many wanted bigger “pieces of the pie,” and in some cases, personal issues were the cause for departures of bands.

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INXS was a popular band in the 1980’s and 1990’s.  But with the suicide of lead singer Michael Hutchens, the band just waited for an opportunity to regain its success.  But you just could not do it simply by replacing Hutchens.  INXS had a sound.  So a television show was created, called “Rock Star” in which a new lead singer would be found, ala “American Idol” like competition to become the new lead singer of INXS.  And they found one by the name of JD Fortune.

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Fortune’s voice was perfect for the band to not only create new music, but perform INXS classics.  Alas, the relationship did not last long, and I have long not heard anything new from INXS.  But they are not the first, nor will they be the last to try to continue their history.

ASIA

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A supergroup consisting of members from already successful bands, they had two gangbuster albums, and then split up.  The group had a variety of other members, but it was not until the late 2000’s that the original band reunited, and yes, they were just as good as in 1982 when they debuted.  But the thing is, no one wanted to hear the “other” lead singer, John Payne, because we knew it was not John Wetton.  If we were going to pay for an “original” band, it needed to sound like it.

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Chicago

This band has seen numerous changes over the years, including the tragic death of guitarist Terry Kath.  But it really was not until one of the voices of Chicago, Peter Cetera chose to pursue a solo career, that the band had to look for the “sound” to replace Cetera.  And they found it in Jason Scheff.  With a similar sound to Cetera, joining relative newcomer Bill Champlain, Chicago was good for many more years.  In the late 2000’s however, Champlain has been replaced, but the band is still putting out the Chicago sound that has existed for nearly 50 years.  And yes, some of those band members are now approaching 70 years old.

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Eagles

Pretty much, the line up has been the same.  No one has filled in for anybody.  Sure, they have broken up, left, come back, but at least when you attend an Eagles concert, you know you are getting either Henley, Frey, Schmidt, or Walsh.

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Foreigner

This is a strange situation.  The band started off fairly large.  Then by their 4th album, ironically, they ended up down to just four members.  But health issues would force the “voice” of Foreigner to take leave.  Other lead singers tried to replace Lou Graham, but no one could sound like Graham, and Foreigner struggled.  That is until Kelly Hanson joined the band.  Now to be fair, currently the only original member of Foreigner is founder Mick Jones.  And for this reason, I have no problem with the band being called Foreigner.  With Hanson’s voice, and the instruments sounding like Foreigner, it is Foreigner.

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Journey

Everybody knows Journey.  But when Steve Perry left, no one ever gave Journey a second chance.  Perry’s voice was so unique.  Even finding a singer with somewhat of a similar voice, ironically names Steve Oteri, there was no sound like the old Journey.  Until the band discovered Phillipino Arnel Pineta, and they have been going strong ever since with original members Neil Schon, Ross Valory, and of course, Jonathan Cain.  Yes, they still get to call themselves Journey.  And continue to put out new music.

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STYX

Another one of my favorite bands, this band has had its share of tragedy as well.  After frontman Dennis DeYoung split for whatever reason you want to believe, the original drummer of Styx died.  But just as other bands have successfully done, they found the right musicians and the right “voice” to make up for the losses.

And finally…

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Van Halen

This is one of the stranger histories.  Lead singer David Lee Roth.  Lead singer Sammy Hagar.  And if you want to count former lead singer of Extreme Gary Cherone.  Then back to lead singer Roth, minus bass player Michael Anthony replaced by Wolfgang Van Halen.  Ugh.  For me, the only lineup I did not care for, was with Cherone (though I do like him in Extreme).

But the bottom line for me has always been, put out great music.  Perform good music.  And as long as you have at least an original founding member in the band, you may still use its name.  And if you need a vocalist that sounds like your history, I am okay with that as long as you are not lip syncing, and you actually sound like the band.

There are a lot more bands that I like that have gone through this process… Heart, Def Leppard, .38 Special, and more.  Is it better to be like Led Zepplin or the Beatles and to say, “not all of the original members, you don’t get to be that band anymore?”  Perhaps.  But then again, reincarnations of popular bands, even as either entirely new entities, or supergroups, have not been as successful as the bands I mentioned above.

Posted in Inspired By..., Recreation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
15 Jun 2015

Just Inconsiderate? Or Child Abuse?


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If you are reading this post, I would certainly hope not.

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If you are reading this post, I would certainly hope this offends you.

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Only until the turn of the century has attention been paid to this issue.  Admittedly, some of us who are a little “long in the tooth”, recall days of riding in the backs of pick-up trucks, sitting in the old station wagon in the back seat which faced the rear of the car, and of course, riding in the front seat with no seat belt on.  There are many who would argue, “we turned out alright, right?”  Sure we did.  But times have changed in regard to traffic and relying on other people’s driving skills.

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But one thing that unfortunately still exists, and as I witnessed recently, is an adult smoking in a car with a child in it.  Now while the age of the child should not make a difference, admittedly I was more enraged because the child was a toddler.  Sure, back in the 1960’s and 1970’s my parents (all 4 of them – I had two step parents), smoked while I was in the car.  I did not like the smell of it, but I was just a kid.  My opinion did not matter.

But something happened once we entered into the new millennium.

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As it became more and more apparent as to the dangers of second hand smoke, finally the concern for children was being raised by some lawmakers, which was not coming from the parents by the way.  But think about it, and this is not a lecture for someone who wants to smoke, but we can all agree, smoking causes cancer and other awful end-of-life issues.  And those who smoke, chose to begin willingly.  As for being able to stop “any time they want”, well the tobacco companies and lobbyists have done their best to make sure that smokers do not stop.  And with the popularity of vaping increasing, even amongst “new” smokers who simply took up electronic cigarettes because they have been lied to that e-cigs are not as dangerous, again more lies.  But bottom line, adults make the choice.  And as an adult, I can make the choice if I want to stand in the direction of second hand smoke or not, or be in a vehicle when someone is smoking.  A child cannot.  A child is never given the chance to say, “no”.

A child in the back seat of a car has NEVER made the choice that it wants to be subjected to second hand smoke, or begin their first risk towards lung cancer and heart disease.  But the fact is, in spite of knowing everything we know about second hand smoke, and as much as a parent may claim to love their child, some love their cigarettes more.

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If someone spanked a child, society would be in an uproar yelling “child abuse”.  And not to take it lightly, under normal circumstances, a spanking might just leave a minor red mark on the buttocks.  But why is it that we do not charge a parent with child abuse for smoking within the vicinity of a child?

Because, whether a lifetime smoker, or someone who has just picked up the habit, the attitude is always the same, “won’t happen to me.”  My dad smoked with half of his lung removed for lung cancer, and through his chemo and radiation therapy until the day he died, still in denial, “I didn’t think it would happen to me.”  Parents have many rights with their children, but subjecting them to something so toxic, and deadly, is not one of them.  So unfortunately, we now have laws created to protect our children.  Of course that does not mean that they law will be enforced, or even prevent a parent from smoking in the car with a baby (of course the window was open to allow the smoke to exit the car – because there is no way that any smoke reached the back seat…right?).

I will not sugar coat it.  Smoking in front of a child, is two forms of child abuse.  Physical because the child is exposed to the second hand smoke which will put the child at risk for lung cancer in the future.  Emotional, because our children are taught that smoking kills.  My daughters know that their grandfather died directly from smoking.  Imagine how upset they are when they see even a stranger smoking a cigarette, a cigar, pipe, or vaping.  My daughters have seen first hand, that people die from smoking.  And I will not just limit it to the car either, because even if you are at an outdoor picnic, on a porch, anywhere you can smell a cigarette (or any other product), that means you are breathing it in.  Just because they are not in the direct stream of the smoke, does not mean that they are not being exposed to it.

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We should not need a law to protect children from smoking.  But we do need to protect our children who have no say when they are exposed to something so deadly and addictive.  Exposing children to second hand smoke is child abuse.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By... and tagged , | Leave a comment

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