Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Cancer Silences Yet Another


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The music world lost yet another influential composer, musician, singer, artist.  Humanity said goodbye to an individual who used his celebrity to make a difference in the world, whether it was for world hunger, gender acceptance, or world peace.  This post is about David Bowie, and will be written in two parts, because, upon learning about the surprise passing, I am reflecting on the influence he had on me as a musician and entertainer, but also the impact as a fellow cancer warrior.

From my early days of college radio where I started, I always had the reputation of being “Mr. Bubblegum”, a reference to my constant need to play popular music.  I had heard Bowie’s music on AM radio back in the 1970’s, but it really meant nothing to me.  That would all change with the very first radio show that I did.  I was thrown into a “classic rock” segment, protesting that I did not know anything about classic rock.  I relied on listeners who would call in to my debut show, who supplied me with many song selections, that miraculously, I had heard before.  I just never thought of the particular songs as “classic rock.”

One of the artists that I played a lot of songs from their catalogue, was David Bowie.  And for those of us who know his catalogue, his career produced a lot of hit songs.  But it was when I dug into some of the history of Bowie’s songs, it was when I learned that John Lennon actually sang on Bowie’s hit “Fame”, during the descending notes toward the end of the song, several of the “Fame”s were recorded by Lennon.  And that it when I learned to recognize more about music than just the notes and the sound.  There were actually stories behind many songs.  It was from this moment, that I know that I started to look deeper into the appreciation of the many genres of music that I follow.

There will be many collaborations that Bowie participated in, duets such as with the Christmas favorite “Little Drummer Boy” with Bing Crosby, and of course, Bowie sang along with Freddy Mercury of Queen with “Under Pressure.”  Fortunately, although many hailed the combination of Mick Jagger along with Bowie, the two of them strutting with each other to “Dancing In The Streets,” I would much rather forget.

But as many will say, Bowie’s death at a young 69, and from cancer, when no one was aware that Bowie even had cancer, came as a shock.  There are some celebrities who announce that they are battling cancer, and clearly, there are some who wish not to disclose it at all.  Ultimately, it is the individual’s business, and we need to respect that wish.  That does not make it any easier to accept.  For some of us, we are selfish, and we want to know why.  And I have mixed feelings about this.

One of the first things that I learned as a cancer counselor, is that there will be two types of patients, those that want to talk about it, and those that do not.  And how cancer is handled can be complicated.  Back in the 1950’s, people were actually ashamed to have been given a diagnosis of cancer, never mentioning the diagnosis.  In the 1970’s, more cases of cancer were being publicized, but hardly with any, hardly any success stories.

So, when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in 1988, I not only made it a point that I was going to beat cancer, I was also going to be quite vocal about it.  Following the completion of my treatments, my first wife constantly tried to encourage me to just “move on.”

But then you take my grandmother, who upon diagnosis of ovarian cancer, actually instructed her doctor to tell us all, that surgery was successful in removing the cancer, when in fact, she was in the terminal stages, soon to pass away just weeks after the surgery.  Only she and her doctors were aware of the prognosis, and how fast it was happening.  It was her wish, not to have people spending her final days, not hanging over her, all solemn.  This was not how she wanted to be remembered.

Then my father, who for most of his life, was fairly solitary, was engulfed in support from a multitude of people who had just come into his life, after he began a brief career as an elementary school bus driver, when he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.  My father could never grasp how he could mean so much to so many, in just so short of a time.

And then of course, there is the advocate in me.  If I had my way, mainly because I do not have the resources myself to do it, I do wish that every celebrity who faces cancer, or knows someone who has, would step up, if for nothing more, than to bring awareness to the fight, and what is needed.  After all, as a celebrity, you have the world’s ears and eyes.

But ultimately, I can respect Bowie’s decision to not reveal his cancer.  Cancer is awful, and no one wants to go through life being remembered for the thing that took life away.  Even as Bowie completed and released his final album, “Blackstar” just days before he passed, Bowie never let on what he was facing.  Though clearly, in his video for the song “Lazarus,” you get an eerie display of Bowie laying in his death bed.  Perhaps this was art imitating life, just as Freddy Mercury did with Queen’s last project which included, “Who Wants To Live Forever?” and  “I Was Born To Love You.”

As a fellow cancer patient, I am always saddened to hear when someone was unable to overcome their battle.  As someone who truly appreciates music, I am saddened that the world of music has lost a true genius.

As Joe Elliot of Def Leppard said in an interview with Eddie Trunk, “this is it, there will be no more David Bowie music being written.”

Sick For The Holidays


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For many, myself included, the holidays are more than just stressful.  They can be downright depressing.  The key for me all these years, decades if you will, is that I always believe the next year will hold better for me.

My dislike of celebrating holidays goes well beyond the year I was diagnosed with cancer, although that holiday season definitely did not leave me feeling jolly.  But there have been more than a handful of serious events and tragedies around the yuletide time of year.  To be honest, I do not really dwell on it.  I move on from one year to the next.  I will say that I put a lot more effort into at least faking it, once my daughters came into my life.  Okay, perhaps “faking” is a bit strong.  I did enjoy seeing the innocence of the holiday return through my daughters’ eyes.

As I mentioned, and have listed elsewhere on “Paul’s Heart”, a lot seems to happen during this time of year.  A recent “memory” that popped up on Facebook reminded me of one such recent event.  Like I said, I have the ability to block out the events that happen during this time of year, as I did with this particular incident.

I was put into the hospital, in serious condition with my second bout of pneumonia in just 9 months.  This is one of those “gifts” that I have received from treatments for my Hodgkin’s way back when, resulting in a lowered immune system.  My earlier case I was actually diagnosed septic.  This particular time, I had it in both of my lungs.

In December, it is not only the month of Christmas, but in less than a week, I should be celebrating another birthday that I thought I would never see.  My stay in the hospital was longer than the earlier battle, and it took a lot more meds to get this under control.  But I did make it home for my birthday, and for Christmas.

I want to be perfectly clear.  I do not take each holiday season for granted.  I am part of a large society of long term cancer survivors who battle long term side effects and deal with these issues every year.  I have also said good bye to so many.

But there are so many, that will be heading into this holiday, either facing a serious illness, or worse, having lost a loved one.  And as all of us will tell you, it is not easy getting through this holiday as it is, especially this holiday because it was a holiday that was shared.

For those of you dealing with a new crisis, or having suffered a loss, I keep a place in my heart, and special thoughts in my mind for comfort for each and every one of you.

What You See Is Not What You Get


The very first day following my release from the hospital, following open heart surgery for a double bypass, as ordered by my doctor, I took my first of three walks around the block of my neighborhood for rehabilitation.  It was not to be any big deal, as I was taking several walks around the my floor of the hospital following the surgery.

But evidently, this was a big deal, to a co-worker of mine.  This co-worker of mine happened to be driving by me on their way to work, and felt the need to report to my employer that I “looked great”, and “there was no reason why” I should not be back at work.  Now, it was not to say that my co-worker did not believe that I actually had heart surgery, but my appearance gave him the impression, that in spite of losing 80% of my strength in less than a week, a very stressed cardiac system, and oh yes, a healing surgically repaired breast bone that would need months to recover, their opinion (not that it was any of their business) was that I was able to work.

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I know, it sounds totally ludicrous to expect someone to have a complete recovery from double bypass surgery in just days, and expect full participation in daily activities.  And yet, by one jerk actually stirring this pot, put me into a position of having to defend myself to various levels at my employer.

Over the last few weeks, I have had three friends be accused of “faking” their cancers.  Yes, “faking” their cancers.   My heart surgery situation was not the first time I ran into this ignorant behavior, as when I faced my battle with cancer, I had to deal with this behavior.  But as I read the stories posted by my friends, who have endured so much, being forced to publish personal information publicly, just to prove to one asshole, that their cancer was real.  It was not bad enough for me to see this happen to one friend, but it happened to another and another.

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Well, my friends really do have cancer.  In fact, at one point, one of them was given no hope.  Now I am just one of a dozen million cancer survivors, but just to protect people who cannot handle even hearing the word cancer, I put on a façade so that I do not make someone feel sad.  But it is up to that person to not make an assumption about my wellbeing.  I will try to look normal.  I will try to act normal.  Because, in spite of that not necessarily being in my best interest, that is what matters to certain people.

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I am not sure what drives a person to be so mean, as to question the health of another person.  Why, what business does someone even have worrying about another person’s health, unless they have been confided in?  But many in our society are just plain nosy, and when someone does not understand something, it gets completely dismissed as not being real.

Now, I am not naïve, there is at least some cause to this behavior, because at one point or another, we have witnessed someone actually faking a serious illness, or even just a sinus infection, just to get out of work or school.

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There are people who actually do “fake” an illness.  And there can be any reason that drives people to do this.  And dealing with Munchausen or hypochondria is a real issue as well.  There are also people who are just plain lazy and do anything to get out of working.

But for those who are legitimately battling a serious illness or injury, to treat them poorly or make accusations as to the validity of their health, which should only be of the patient’s concern, is unfair.  And to those who have faced this type of discrimination or harassment, you are not alone.  Sadly, this behavior of individuals treating those of us with disabilities is all to common, whether their reasons be ignorance or just plain malicious.  Though I know there will be a need to prove them wrong, no matter what the length (and I have done it several times), you do not need to prove anything.  For every jerk out there who says you are faking an illness, there are hundreds out there that not only believe you, but support you as well.

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