Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

02 Feb 2020

The Sham Of The “Best Interests of The Child”


Being an advocate, it is hard to turn off the “ping” that goes off, triggering a call to respond to something that goes against an issue that you fight for.  Before I begin, I must state for my trolls…

THIS POST  DOES NOT REFLECT MY INDIVIDUAL SITUATION CONCERNING MY DIVORCE OR CUSTODY ISSUES IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.

I was doing what I often do, helping one of my daughters in determining what courses she should take for next year.  This particular daughter, has some big eyes.  She wants to do and take everything.  Initiative.  You have to admire that.  Once she has expressed everything she is interested, in an effort to help her whittle her list down to a more manageable and doable schedule, she still found herself in a bind with one or two courses that she wanted to take.

Admittedly, you probably will not find many kids who are willing to take on extra classes, just because.  But as I helped my daughter to prioritize what was important to her, I asked her what she felt especially strong about, passion.

I was about to present an option to her that I know she was completely unaware of, but I did.  Her school district offers after school courses, which, two of her choices that she was looking to enroll in, were actually available outside of school.  Meaning?  She could take the courses that would make the difference academically, and the extra courses she could take to help her decide if that is what she really wanted to do, without wasting valuable credits.  I have her curiosity and we are currently working on that situation.

But it is what I found on one of the pages of the brochure of the community education provided by the school district, that is what triggered me.

This is a snapshot from the brochure, and I have intentionally scratched out the instructor’s name, coincidentally, a family court lawyer.

Now unless you have been through the process of custody, you have no idea the what it is like to have the rush of bile into the throat upon seeing this.  If you have never gone through a divorce and are about to, you see it as an opportunity how to DIY (do it yourself) with important information such as the “sixteen factors” which do exist in the state’s law, but the “tools that can be used to aid in presenting your case to the court?”  I have a problem with that.

The timing of this class is unfortunate as well.  This was taken from the Fall brochure, but as I researched, the instructor is teaching another one of these courses in the Spring, so, in spite of the hope that lies ahead, it seems that at least someone is teaching “business as usual” instead of the great news of the new process that will hopefully be coming.

You see, the state in which this is occurring, is one of the latest, and one of the last, to recognize the rights of both parents in a declaration of 50-50 shared legal and physical custody.  For many, we still cannot understand why this is not a guarantee for all states, and still there are some that have not begun the process to legislate this.

Many states have approved, and more are in the process of approving, laws that guarantee the rights of both parents (when applicable) to legal and physical custody.  Prior to this, in spite of the “sixteen factors,” if both parents  met those factors equally, one parent still was likely to be given an award of full or primary custody.  Full meaning just that, primary meaning that children would get to spend overnights with the other parent, visitation if you will.

Back in the 1950’s, mothers were stay at home, so courts often ruled against the fathers for custody, simply because they were never around, BECAUSE THEY WERE WORKING!!!.  They were penalized for being the only one bringing in money, by not being considered for custody of their children.

I will spare the chronological progression through the decades, but needless to say, in the 21st century, it is more the rule than the exception, that in a two-parent family, both parents work.  So it would make sense then, that perhaps there should be an adjustment to the assumption of custody.  Only in recent years, have states begun the process of giving both parents equal rights of custody.

In Florida, also one of the states lagging behind correcting this injustice, in December of last year, the legislature filed a bill that would give equal custody to both parents, presumed, not by way of contesting and objections.  In the state where this “course” is being taught, the bill was filed back in May of 2019, still yet to be passed into law.

I will get to the opponents of the position of equal custody in a moment.  But first, the obvious argument to which their can be no objection to.  I challenge you to find a reason why equal and shared custody should not be presumed.  And here is the example.

Husband and wife, a.k.a. father and mother, never have any negative history in their family in regard to their parenting.  Both work.  Both play an active role in their childrens lives.  No history of domestic issues.  Regardless of what the current status of any laws in any state, if something happens to one parent, such as a debilitating illness or even worse, death, the surviving (or healthy) parent would then assume 100% custody of the children.  Why?  Because that person is the parent.  So, if that parent is to be assumed capable of taking over custody in the event of a tragedy, why should that parent not have the equal right to the children when both parents are capable?

You cannot argue that.  If that parent is good enough when “forced” into full time single parenting, that parent is just as good to have the right to be the parent with equal time shared with the other parent.

This is the exact scenario that is being argued and states are in the process of passing laws in favor of, making this thinking the presumed situation.  Or as advocates for shared custody would call it, literally, “the best interests of the child.”  And this is in agreement with psychological professionals as well, that as long as both parents exist, it is in the best interests of the children to have equal time with both parents.

There are two main groups that will be very vocal against this.  The first of course, will be the lawyers.  They argue that the children risk being exposed to domestic violence if the children are not given to one particular parent until the situations are completely researched.  In other words, assume the worst of one of the parent, until that parent can litigate their rights for equal custody.  And yes, children do need to be protected from abusive situations.  But not at the innocent expense of a parent and children.  Especially when there is no known evidence of any kind of domestic abuse.  The cynic in me will go one step further and say of course the lawyers will not support a bill like this, because financially, they have everything to lose.  Imagine, parents being given equal custody means no more lengthy drawn out and expensive court filings and modifications.  For the parents, this is a win because of all the money saved that can be used for the children.

And of course, the other group are the bitter spouses/parents.  The ones who feel entitled (i.e. only a mother can take care of children), filled with vengeance for a relationship ending in break-up, and a phenomenon called “the baby mama” (ones who get pregnant for the purposes of collecting court determined and ordered child support).  Obviously it is called that, as the male cannot get pregnant, and only the mother has full control of the situation.  Just looking at the descriptions of the above and tell me what you see missing.  The relevance of what role the children have in these selfish behaviors… NONE!  How is this in the best interests of the children?  It is not and everyone knows it.

Another group does exist, and is definitely for the best interests of the children, and that is advocates against domestic abuse.  We all know these situations exist.  We have also heard the nightmares of children services not responding or doing enough to protect children in harms way.  But to throw a blanket over the whole custody issue claiming domestic violence as the reason for presuming less than shared custody, to protect the child, then other children are harmed by being denied the opportunity of equal time with both parents, who are not exposed to that violent environment.  In other words, being punished for something they did not do.

We all experience this type of situation at one time or another in our lives.  We get punished as a group for something someone or some group has done.  An entire class gets extra homework because someone was talking during class.  Yes, that will teach the innocent ones.  All employees lose extra “break” time because a supervisor has an ax to grind with one employee.  Instead of the supervisor dealing with the employee, the boss makes all employees pay a price, which he hopes will result in those employees “correcting” the offending employee.

Do you see how awful this thinking is?  Punishing someone for something that they did not do?  Remove the parents from the equation, leaving only the children.  How is restricting a child from one of their parents, whom they have known the entire time that their parents were married, never witnessed any violence in the home against the other parent or themselves, with both parents more than capable of taking care of the child, in the best interests of the child?  It isn’t.

That is why, like the two states mentioned above are in the process of doing what so many have already corrected, and others need to come to the realization, in the families where children have two parents, that in the ending of that relationship, the children need both parents… EQUALLY!

I wonder if that lawyer is teaching that in the class.  Or does she follow the lead of the temperament of the “students” simply looking for less expensive advice, emotional support and “understanding” of their situation, and lead those how to follow the path if they feel sole custody is what matters and how to get the system to order that?

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics | Leave a comment
30 Jan 2020

How Road Trips Have Changed


“99 bottles of beer on the wall.  99 bottles of beer.  Take on down, pass it around.  98 bottles of beer on the wall.”  The things we did as kids to occupy our time on road trips.

Of course nothing beat harassing the driver in the car behind ours because they had to look at our stupid faces we made for however long they followed our car.

God help you if you got stuck riding on one of these things for any duration.

Ah… good times.

As a grown up, all I was worried about was having some good tunes to listen to, enough to last the length of time it took to arrive.  Because nothing was a better gauge of how much time you had left to go, than, how many CD’s you had gone through already, and still had to go.

Then, there are the road trips as a parent.  Along with all the necessary baby supplies, there was now the on-board entertainment.

With two children, all that was needed was for both to agree on which movie would be watched first.

And then they become teenagers.  I was expecting to recall the old days of stupid and nonsensical songs.

I want to be clear.  I was blessed with two great travelers.  They started at a very young age with a 16 hour non-stop flight from China, each, and endured several trips, many longer than a six hour drive.  So, my daughters keeping themselves amused is not really a concern.

As I drive with them now, they keep themselves entertained.

And so began the escalation of the level of entertainment.  As my daughters peruse social media, one stumbles upon a particular crude meme, which by itself, stands alone as a conversation starter.  But as my older shows it to me, the gears between my ears go into reverse, and recalling the road trips of my childhood, I take what my daughters have given me…

Upon realizing what I am looking at, the challenge is issued.  How many words can we come up with that will rhyme with the sound “a-shun” to make a catchy slogan to go with the meme.

That killed about a good half an hour of time on that long drive, and provided a lot of words, and a lot laughs.  Then it was back to their phones while I continued the drive.

Out of the blue, I hear from the back seat where my older daughter is sitting, “so Dad.  Who do you think is the better whistler?”

By now I had been driving  four and a half hours straight, listening to “Roxanne” by Arizona Zervas for seemingly the dozenth time, not an exaggeration either and the song is ten times worse than the “Roxanne” by The Police.  Before I answered my daughter, I realized that I actually did hear both of my daughters whistling along to the song, that evidently my efforts to drown out the music, drowned out the whistling as well.

Regardless, I normally do not tune my daughters out for any reason, and having done so in this instance, I was still able to give an answer to my older daughter’s question.

Me:  You know I am not going to answer that question.  There is no “better than” ever, when it comes to you and your sister.

Sibling rivalry goes back centuries.  But over the last several years, I had been noticing a ramping up of “competition”, mainly stirred up in a one sided fashion, always the same daughter looking for the verification of a notch over the other sister.

Besides the fact that my daughters are both adopted, they are legally sisters, but come from different provinces.  They have different skin complexions, different shapes.  Even their hair is different in texture.  The bottom line, I love them both the same.

Decades ago, my mother had been a newspaper reporter for a local paper.  One of her fellow reporters had gone to report on a car accident involving a young driver.  My mother told me the story, how the while the reporter was interviewing the mother of the teenager, who sadly had been killed in the accident, the reporter had discovered that the mother had another child.  To witness my mother tell me what happened next, was pure horror.  The reporter asked, “so which child was your favorite?”  I was not even a teenager myself when I heard this story, but it has always stuck with me.  I could not believe someone could be so mean and insensitive to ask a question like that, EVER!  But before my first daughter was ever placed in my arms, regardless how many children I would have, I would never allow a question like that to be asked of me.

Over the years, I have been asked repeatedly about the “so who is better” by my daughters, more often by my older.  The comparison could have been about karate, eating habits, and of course school.  School comparisons are the hardest to be neutral about, because unlike comparing habits and activities, grades are black and white.  And at least once a year, maybe even twice, I am challenged about the difficulty or ease of school grades.  Both are good students, that is for sure.  But that is definitely where the similarity ends.  They have different study habits.  Both have different interests in school, and therefore have different academic plans.  And yes, grade results are different.  For the most part, they have not had the same teachers for their courses which also plays a role.  It is wrong for either to feel that one just has an easier time, or “comes natural”, and I remind them both of that.  But we are entering an even more difficult time next year.  One daughter has begun the SAT process, and my younger daughter will begin her testing next year.  So I will not only have grades to disprove in importance for comparison sake, but now will be results of the same test, taken by both, for the sake of their continuing education, which of course I am hoping for both.

This issue has its moment where it is a concern to me.  Self esteem development during teen years is tough enough without feeling good enough cognitively.  And if you are an older sibling, there is definitely that feeling that there should be an edge when it comes to grades and scores.

Or could it be more than just sibling rivalry.  What if, as parents, their mother and I actually created the situation that has at least one daughter striving to be different, or better?

I swore I would never do this to my kids, and it happened.  Sure, they looked cute dressed alike, something that was once specific to identical twins, and hilarious unable to tell who was who.  But except for Hallmark Cards or Normal Rockwell paintings, I personally do not care for dressing children identical.  But they were cute.  As time went on, my older daughter would hear the question, “are they twins?” when clearly they are not, but it actually became an irritating question to her.  She loved her sister.  But it bothered her to be considered a twin.

Complicating the matter, was when the decision was made, and I need to state, not by me, and quite possibly not originally agreed upon by both of my daughters, that they would share a bedroom.  They each had their own rooms for the first three years, and then they ended up in the same room, “because that is what sisters do.”

Combining these two factors, I cannot help but wonder, dressing alike, sharing the room with each other, did we as their parents create, or at the least enable the competition levels of the sibling rivalry to escalate.  Admittedly, dressing alike did not allow them to stand out from each other, and having them share a room, when they did not need to, prevented them from developing their independence.  And now, there seems to be a struggle to stand apart, and the only way to accomplish that, is to have higher marks, or to be “better than.”

It seems like a monthly conversation that I have with both daughters.  I emphasize how much I love them both the same.  There should be no competition between them.  The things that they cannot control that one would have an advantage over the other, is their age, and the time that they were adopted.  Everything else is being determined by nature and nurture.  As they get older, their own individual interests have either developed, or are beginning to develop, and maybe those will change.

And besides loving both daughters the same, they will both get the same encouragement and support in their goals.  That should be important to any parent.

Posted in Adoption, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment
25 Jan 2020

A Question I Already Knew The Answer To


Reality is beginning to set in.  In just over a month, I am going to officially recognize 30 years as a cancer survivor of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  I will save that hype for a very inspirational post around that time.

This will be the last of my “30th Anniversary” posts, filling in the story line, as best as I can remember it.  After all, I did not have social media to document my every step of the way (we did not even have the internet at that point) and in all fairness, with the uncertainty of my future, dealing with cancer, documenting anything was the last thing on my mind.  I wish I had thought differently.

The truth is, I could have, and should have been celebrating this anniversary in just over a week from now.

I was warned at the beginning, to be careful about marking the final date of my treatment on the calendar.  Pyschologically, sure, it can give you that positive image of the end goal.  But the body is put through an enormous strain, physically and emotionally, that anything can happen during the next six to eight months.  All of a sudden, a date you had been counting on, gets pushed back for any number of reasons, such as getting sick, or blood levels not being high enough for the dosages necessary.  The only thing worse than the cancer itself at that point, is to be told your treatment is going to be delayed to allow your body to have more time to recover.  If that were not bad enough, then you have to see it on the calendar, and you must make that change to the calendar as well.  And that reminder will always be there.  It is unbelievably devastating when that happens.

With the diagnosis of any cancer, not just Hodgkin’s, the life is interrupted.  We have lost all control to roll through life as we had been, day by day.  We have a new schedule of events to follow, and there is often very little wiggle room to enjoy anything we once did prior to our diagnosis.  To the person not dealing with a cancer diagnosis, the answer to the simplest of questions is always obvious, you do what you have to do, to get through your treatments, and if that means giving up “stuff,” so be it.

It is not always that easy.  Like I said, with a cancer diagnosis, we give up control of our lives for however long the path takes.  It is easy for me to look back now, at some of my questions about “can I do this” or “should I do that”, because with a clearer head now, and a longevity to match, I can say that I definitely feel my decisions and answers were and still are the right ones.  But even my own experiences were not enough that one respondent to a reply I sent to a reader about a decision she wanted to make, blasted me as being judgemental, insulting, and dropping several F-bombs on me, finishing with their suggestion of me going on a final destination.  The question that prompted that response?

“I have heard that drinking alcohol during treatments may cause pains and headaches.  Is it really that bad if I have one here or there?”

Again, I have been at this a long time, dealing with survivors of all longevities, and current patients.  So along with the many other replies, I added my two cents.

Me:  I have heard this concern many times about alcohol causing pain, in fact, having the pain associated with the Hodgkin’s itself.  To my experience, it has not hit everyone, but a good majority.  Though I was of legal drinking age, alcohol was not as important a beverage for me to have while I was going through my treatments.  But Coke was.  And every time, and I did it, a total of twice, that I drank Coke during my treatments, I had extreme discomfort which I was warned to avoid caffeinated beverages, and decided to test that theory, and lost.  I did this with other things too that I decided to try in spite of being warned against, processed food such as cheese.  I finally decided it was not worth it.  So my suggestion to you, as someone having been there, done that, clearly you have been given the warnings, and you have been given responses both for and against.  Ultimately the decision is yours, but please do not take the answers to be a “permission granted” to go ahead and imbibe based on the informal survey.  You could be the lucky one who does not get the discomfort, you might not.  The question is, is it really worth the risk for just the months that you are going through treatment?

And then I got the beratement.

This situation comes up regularly though, and not just about alcohol.

With the growth of new hair, some survivors cannot wait to get back to hair coloring and other processes which carry their own cancer risks, and of course the questions seeking “permission” from others that it is okay to proceed.  Again, it is a personal decision that has to be made by the individual, and the fact that a person asks it, that person knows there is a risk.  Then the next question that has to be asked, “is it really worth it, or that important?”

Another question that I deal with regularly, is about whether to work or not.  I have written about it in the past in great detail, but briefly, again, an individual decision.  And though the only work I missed for the entire 8 months of chemotherapy, was two hours every other Friday for my injection, I thought this would be a positive thing for me.  It was a much needed distraction from the day to day dealing with my cancer.  I proved my determination every day.  I showed everyone, I was not going to be defeated.

But I paid a price.  It was a huge risk  for me to make that choice, and were I faced having to do it again, I would not work.  The reasons are simple.  The body is beaten up terribly from the chemo, physically already stressed, it does not need the added fatigue from a daily work grind.  Emotionally, I dealt with so many co-workers who believed that I was being given preferential treatment over them, although to this day, I do not know what it would have been.  I was never given any special favors from my employer.  But the stress from my co-workers added to my day to day struggles with the chemo, often were so difficult to get through my work days.  And then, there was also the risk of my health put in jeopardy.  Working with a large number of co-workers, most would not stay at home if they were sick with a cold, flu, or anything else.  Going through chemo, my immune system was already suppressed, exposed to all kinds of germs in our office and surrounding areas.  If I were to catch anything from them, it could lead to a delay or interruption in my treatments.

I was treated in a time before there were workplace protections in place, courtesy of the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA).  While yes, the distraction of a daily activity from your treatment schedule can be a good thing, if you are able to exercise your ADA rights, then do it.  And yes, the ADA is about to turn 30 years old as well.

So I talked about making choices during treatments.  My treatment schedule would go through the entire winter season.  I was an avid skier for many years.  And it was during my January treatment that I asked my oncologist about the possibility of me being able to ski.  I asked the doctor before doing so, because I had heard of increased risks of injury during treatments, especially broken bones.

I was a good skier, but more of a recreational and a slower procession down the hill kind of guy.  I was not really at too great a risk for any fall or injury.  But the doctor took it from a different approach.

Doctor:  Well, I don’t see a problem with you skiing if you have to.   But you have to ask yourself this.  You are obviously going to have to be dressed warm right?  Which means you will undoubtedly end up sweating a lot, and being Winter, you might catch a draft, sweated, and well, you know, end up developing a cold or something.  Is it really worth it, if when your next treatment comes around, and your blood levels are too low to give you treatment, because you wanted to go skiing?  I mean, it would probably only delay it a month, but will that month make a difference to you, just so you can ski?

Just like all of the other situations that I discussed above, we know the answers.  We just want someone to give us the guarantee that we will be fine, the schedule will proceed as planned.  Of course, we would be able to pin the blame on someone else, because “they said so.”

I would go skiing, just it would be the next year.  It was more important for me to complete my schedule as planned, the beginning of February.

Remember the other decision that I made earlier, that did come back to bite me in the ass, and in a hard way.  I came down with the flu, going around in our company because people came into work sick.  I was on the tail end of the illness when my final treatment, scheduled in February was to take place.  But my blood levels were too low to be given my treatment, and therefore, my final treatment would not take place in February, but hopefully March.

I was devastated.  It was supposed to be the end.  Instead, it would be another month.

See you then.

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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