Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Side Effects”

Holiday Memories – Santa’s Close Call


The Winter holiday season, while being one of the happiest times of the year for so many, especially children, and adults who take the meaning of Christmas to a whole new “Clark Griswald” level of Christmas, can also be some of the most difficult times for many.  And I am one of those.  In spite of what I had hoped for a turnaround with my “holiday attitude” once my daughters came into my life, my feelings around this time of year continue to struggle.  This is not to say that my holidays have been a complete failure at all.  It just means that I have a difficulty celebrating it either so early, or so extravagantly as many do.  But once the big day is here, I get through the day, with excitement thanks once again to my children, and then I go back to reality.  It has been this way now for nearly 40 years.  That’s right, I cannot even blame it on my cancer, which coincidently I was diagnosed with just before the Thanksgiving holiday twenty six years ago.  I cannot remember the last incident free holiday season going all the way back to 1976, on my 9th birthday this month, when my house caught fire from an errant spark of a match lighting my birthday candles.  From that point on, I dealt with one holiday death of a family member each year, or some other struggle, which took on a whole new meaning once I was diagnosed with cancer in 1988.

But as I said, I am not a total Scrooge or Grinch for the holiday.  I do have fond memories of Christmases gone by.  One memory that will always come first in my heart belongs to my oldest daughter, Madison.

Christmas 1

It was Madison’s first Christmas with us and it was going to be one that even at her age, she would appreciate the magic of Christmas and Santa Claus.  And I would do my best to make sure that it would be a very special Christmas for her.

December 2007 - 2

Yes, I did what many other Dads did for their children did and dressed up like Santa Claus.  But clearly, after insisting that she get some sleep, and not wait up for Santa, I had to have some sort of proof to her, besides the presents, that the big guy was in fact inside of our house.  And so, after we put Madison to bed, I went to work.  I put on nearly the entire outfit, red suit, beard, hat and then had my wife (at that time), take pictures and video of me, dressed as Santa, delivering gifts under the tree, eating the yummy treats that were left for me, and even stopped to have a little playtime with a dog who was always on Santa’s “nice” list.  My final stop, was into Madison’s room, to place one small gift under her personal tree (the amount of Christmas trees in my house is another post).  All of this was caught on film.  All I had to do is wait for the next morning for one excited little girl to find all the gifts left for her.  She wasted no time.

Of course I allowed her to open all of her gifts first before revealing that it was Santa who brought her the presents.  She was not disappointed.

Then we had the following conversation:

Dad:  Hey Maddy, you know Santa Claus was here last night right?

Madison:  Yes Daddy (very excited).

Dad:  Well, I had the camera set up to take pictures and video to see if we could catch him bringing your gifts.

Madison was very excited at that point and could not wait to see that Santa was indeed in her house.  Her smile stretched from one ear to the other as she watched the video of Santa putting the presents under the tree, eating the cookies and drinking the milk, and playing with our golden retriever Pollo.The still shots, like the one shown above, showed Santa in various positions inside the house as well.

Madison:  Daddy, why does “ho ho” (her name for Santa) have your sneakers on?

Yep.  I said I put “almost” all of the costume on.  I did not realize my camera person was going to focus on my shoes as well, so I did not put the black boot overlays on which would have hid my sneakers.  But the bigger point was this, from that point on, we realized just how attentive to details our daughter was.  You see, Madison, like many other small children, love to walk in their parents’ shoes, men’s or women’s.

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Yep.  She loved wearing mine.  And I took it for granted that a little girl, just because she was excited about seeing the big man in red, would not notice his surroundings.

Dad:  Well Madison, his boots must have been really dirty from climbing down the chimney and he didn’t want to make our carpets dirty.  He saw my sneakers, and must have put them on while he was in the house.

In ice hockey, we would call that one “an off-the-goal-post save”.

We still did the same routine every year after for a few more years, but those times, the camera was kept from the waist up.

As for Madison?  She still has those eagle eye skills for detail, and even just when she is on the cusp of not believing in Santa any more, she still holds on for one more year.

 

Happy Thanksgiving From Paul’s Heart


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Happy Thanksgiving to everyone following “Paul’s Heart.”  I am thankful for so many things in my life, and this blog is something I am not only proud of for the number of people I have reached, but am so thankful for all the support that has ever been offered.

This officially begins one of the busiest, expensive, stressful, and memorable times of the year.  For some, it is one of the most difficult times of the year to endure.  Many families are struggling financially or have suffered personal loss, and for some, this may be the first year that they are going through this holiday season under those conditions.

Others may be in situations that just seem outright sad, going through holiday struggles year after year.  “Paul’s Heart” had its origin twenty-six years ago when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  I have not had a “typical” Winter holiday season since, ever.  There has always been some sort of crisis, tragedy, or struggle to endure.  But that is what I do, I get through it.  I have to.  I have two beautiful little girls who depend on me, and enjoy the holidays.  They do not know why I have such difficulties with the holiday season.

I am not alone.  Many of my friends here are in a similar situation as me.  They are away from family and celebrating Thanksgiving with friends.  And no matter what the meal will consist of today, we will all make the most of our holiday today, and we are thankful for that.

There are actually meaningful football games to day, unlike years past, where a team just shows up to play on Thanksgiving.  At least four teams playing have playoff implications.  I know where my eyes will be glued tonight.

 

PART_1417100861070_Image1417100860969   GO SEAHAWKS!!!!

And then, in the wee hours of the morning, another new Thanksgiving weekend experience for me.

5 - On Our Way To China

I will be on an early morning flight to be reunited with my daughters.  This will be our second Thanksgiving since the divorce was filed, but this is the first one that I have been away from them so long.  My mother has made this trip possible for me, and for that I am very thankful.

As we approach the Winter holidays, all I want is for my daughters to know how much I love them, how much I miss them.  And just as my past visits with them, that is all they will be told.  I am keeping everything about the divorce from our conversations.  I know this is not easy for them.  And it would be even worse for them, if they knew how one parent treated the other.  The children love both of us and this season is going to be critical to the children if that love is to survive.  And just like every other holiday season, I do plan to get through it, and hope the next year will finally be the time I get to say “Happy Thanksgiving” without following the phrase with “but…”

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.  Girls, Daddy cannot wait to see you tomorrow.  I love you.

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Comic Relief Just When It Is Needed


November 2010 - 37

“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”  Mark Twain.

With that, I want to introduce you to one of the most “powerful weapons” in the human race, my youngest daughter, Emmalie.

Typically, a biologically born child will have inherited characteristics of either parent.  But with Emmalie (and my oldest daughter Madison) being adopted, any traits that either daughter share with me, are purely coincidence.  Yes, there is what they have learned from me as they have grown.  Prior to the divorce we spent a lot of time together, doing homework, playing games, and my favorite, holding them in my arms when they were younger.  But their personalities were determined long before I had even met either one.

Through the adoption process, one of the things that I had to supply, was an autobiography about myself.  This would cover everything from my hobbies, employment, family history, and such.  Once all of the personal and legal information had been gathered and organized, the paperwork was then sent to the country of China’s Adoption Affairs office where the adoption process would continue through their end.

My dossier would go into a department those of us in the adoption world know as the “matching room.”   Where by some magic, dossiers are compared with profiles of at least ten children, most of them toddlers and babies.  At this point, a child is “matched” up with their parent.  The result is pure magic.

Both of my daughters share many of the characteristics and interests that I possess.  Only one characteristic either daughter have that I do not, but their adoptive mother does have, and that it artistic hands.

But Emmalie possesses one of the most important traits that I have, a sense of humor.  This child is notorious for causing an outburst of laughter at just the right moment.  She is a goofy and quirky little girl.  The smile that follows resembles the young child dinosaur in the 1980’s television show who regularly blurts out “gotta love me.”

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I had taken the girls to see Shrek 3 (all three movies were great and entertaining).  At one point during movie #3, spoiler alert, Fiona’s father dies.  However, prior to his demise, he had been turned into a frog.  And of course the punch-line that followed… here it comes… “he croaked.”  Well of course, everyone the theater had sat in silence at the king’s passing, in spite of the symbolic comment.  Everyone except for Emmalie, who immediately burst out laughing at the joke itself.

But that is who Emmalie is.

It should come as no surprise that during one of the more difficult times in all our lives, that once again, she would provide her patented comic relief.  During one of our recent nightly conversations, her spontaneous humor knocked me off my “chair.”

Emmalie routinely asks me questions that have nothing to do with nothing, and though she claims there was no motivation behind her next question, I actually do believe her to a degree.  The divorce has been difficult for all of us, but my estranged wife and I are doing what we are able to keep the impact on the girls to as minimal as possible.  And though I believe Emmalie felt she was just throwing out one of her zinger questions as me, there is a part of me that knows in my heart, perhaps there was more to her question than she was letting on.

“Daddy.  I have a question.  Are you going to get married?”

Besides the legally obvious situation, that my divorce is yet to be final, marriage is the last thing on my mind, if ever again.  This was my second marriage to have failed, and clearly, the process has left me with no desire to ever share that commitment ever again.

But I am in a relationship again, and so is my estranged wife.  All four of us, seem happy in these new relationships.  So I could not help but wonder, if perhaps my youngest had overheard conversation from my ex and her boyfriend about getting married.  I know I have never brought up marriage.

“No… Emmalie, Daddy is not going to get married.  Why do you ask that?  Is mommy talking about me getting married or is she thinking about it”

“I was just wondering Daddy.  It seems like you are really happy.  And it would only make sense that if you were happy, then you would get married again.”

December 2009 - 35

If only it were that simple my precious little angel.  But as I thought about her question, I realized that there was more to it than just Emmalie seeing her daddy happy with someone else, or her mother happy with someone else.  Emmalie is more wise than what she realizes, and for those who receive the gift of her wisdom, we are truly blessed.

It has been so long since Emmalie or Madison have seen either of their parents smile.  And now our daughters are seeing bother their father and mother smiling again.  Emmalie has let me know that she is glad to see me smile again.  But the smiles do not have as much to do with what it happen currently, but rather what we were dealing with in recent years, and the effect it had on our girls.

I love you both so much Madison and Emmalie.

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