Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Politics”

13 Jun 2024

In Time For Flag Day


I have a busy weekend ahead of me. My daughters are coming to visit me for our annual Father’s Day week. Tomorrow marks twenty-six years since I lost one of the most influencial people in my life, my grandmother, a two-time cancer survivor. I do not forget this day, because this date shares the same date as Flag Day, which falls tomorrow.

I took this photo on one of my walks, and was completely saddened by it. I saw it a couple of weeks ago, during of all weekends, Memorial Day weekend. Clearly, this flag should have been replaced. Ironically, it was being flown by someone who should have known better, a military veteran (the branch flag is flying behind it). But clearly, this flag should have been retired long ago as the condition clearly shows how tattered and worn it had become.

I have a lot of experience when it comes to our nation’s symbol. As a kid, I participated in Boy Scouts, where I learned the proper care for the flag, including how to fold and display the flag. On of my first papers I ever wrote, over forty-five years ago, was on Flag Day itself. Not to brag, but I got an “A” on it.

So with so much attention on the flag over recent years, and how I definitely feel it is being misused, misunderstood, and disrespected, I figured I would revisit my report, and perhaps make the report more current to remind everyone just how important our flag really is. Of course, I have a bit more writing experience under my belt since then.

The Flag

(photo courtesy of Wikipedia)

Most are not aware as there was a flag before the flag with the circle of thirteen stars. It was the “grand union” flag, the unofficial flag flown during the American revolution. Then in 1777 came the flag that most of us are familiar with, created by Betsy Ross, thirteen stripes alternating red and white, and thirteen stars arranged in a circle on a field of blue “representing a new constellation” (Britanica).

As states would join the union requiring more stars to be added to each version of the national flag, the formation of the stars would change to rows of stars until the 50th state had been added to present “old glory” as it is flown today.

(picture courtesy of Google pics)

So there is the history of the flag.

Care And Display Of The American Flag

Per U.S. Code, the flag should always fly “aloft and free.” The flag should never touch anything below it such as the ground, water, floor, or any kind of objects just sitting there. The flag must not be “dipped” to any person or thing (as in a nod to someone or something). It does not get flown upside down, unless a case of an emergency or signal of distress. Recent incidents of the flag being flown upside down do not meet that standard and therefore is disrespecting the flag.

If you are a flag purist like I am, retail is not going to like this part. The flag should never be used as apparel or as bedding, you know, like those swim trunks soaking up crotch sweat and other merchandise. The flag should not be used for advertisement purposes, in particular, being placed on anything that will be thrown out in the garbage afterwards. The flag should NEVER have any words written on it, nor should any artistic liberty be taken with the flag, you know, like combining the flag with another flag into one, changing the colors to represent a particular cause like sports teams using the colors replacing the red, white, and blue. It is completely unacceptable to merge the American flag with a flag as vile as the confederate flag, into one flag. No matter the cause, “thin blue line”, Black Lives Matter, whatever, simple put, get your own flag and leave the red, white, and blue alone. The flag should never be used as a costume or used to carry anything.

It is important to keep the flag dry, clean, and protected from danger such as harsh weather or other perils.

Now, what to do about that poor and tattered flag that I passed. I am sure the veteran flying that flag should know what to do. But here is how to properly dispose of a flag, no longer fit to be flying.

Proper Disposal Of The Tattered And Worn American Flag

The U.S. Flag Code says, “The Flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.” When an American Flag is worn beyond repair, it should be retired in a respectful manner.

It is common and dignified to burn the flag no longer considered to be flown in some sort of ceremony (per local burn ordinances of course). The Pledge of Allegiance and moments of silence are often spoken. The flag must be completely burned to ashes, then buried.

Veteran organization like the VFW (Veterans Of Foreign Wars) and American Legion will often take unflyable flags to properly dispose of them.

So there you have it, the proper way to treat, care for, and display the American Flag. If yours is worn, you still have time to get a replacement to fly, as you should. And if you truly want to show respect for the flag, treat her right. Fly her freely and aloft, nothing else.

Posted in Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation | Leave a comment
14 Mar 2024

20 Years In The Making


I have achieved many things in my life. I have survived many dire circumstances with my health. But there is one aspect of my life, that tops everything combined, being a Dad. And though March 14th is not a birth date, it became the date that would change who I was/am forever, the day I became a father.

Left unable to have biological children from side effects of my chemotherapy for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma back in 1988 (my radiation therapy gets a pass for this issue), and multiple failed attempts through fertility specialists, a decision had been made that if I were to ever become a father, it would be through adoption. While attending an information meeting on adoption, the influence from a newly adopted toddler named “Lily,” the decision was clear, adoption would by my only opportunity to become a dad. And “Lily” showed me it was meant to happen.

Adoption is a very difficult and serious decision to make, because in most cases, the adopting parents, and in some cases, a mother making a heartbreaking choice to place her child for adoption, are making a choice for someone who has no say in the matter. A child is born unto one parent, and then one day, is in the arms of another, likely never to see their birth parent(s) ever again.

There are two types of adoption, domestic and international. Though laws are fairly strict in the United States as far as adoption are concerned, there are chances that a birth mother could change her mind about the adoption, perhaps even years later. For this reason, and this reason alone, I did not want the heartache of having my child taken away from me, even if it was to return to the birth mother.

With “Lily”, I was introduced to the country of China, the last time I had heard about that country was as a senior in high school, so, a long time ago. My memory of what I learned back then came to the forefront, as China’s “one child” policy had resulted in the need to place many children into other families. And there were many families around the world, not just the United States who were more than happy to build their families partnering with China.

I was originally told to expect to travel March 17th, travel plans had been made. Then two weeks before travel, our date was moved up to March 13th. The adoption process had been halted for a number of months due to the SARS outbreak of 2004, and when international travel had opened again, news could not come soon enough that we would be travelling. Moving up the date made it even sooner.

This is an actual picture from the window of the flight that was taking me to my daughter. Upon landing in Hong Kong, all of us traveling were given even greater news.

Thinking there would be a couple of days before we would all get to meet our children, we were informed to get a good night’s sleep, as we begin the adoption process the next morning, meeting our children, and returning to our hotel with our new family members.

The date was March 14th, 2004. There are many things in Chinese culture that are considered lucky or fortuitous, the color red, lady bugs, and something called “the red thread.” This “thread” is actually imaginary but carries one of the most meaningful connections between those who “hold” that “thread”. And though that “thread” will grow and stretch, it will never break. March 14th already was special to me, my late grandfather’s birthday.

From that morning on, my life changed, taking on a whole new meaning, a whole new purpose. Every decision that I would make was now because someone else was counting on me. To refer to parenting as an “experiment,” is an understatement as I grew up without the typical “nuclear” family, the only thing I knew about fatherhood, was what I would have liked to have and did not, as my parents divorced when I was three years old. My only examples of parenthood came from school friends when I would visit their homes.

But when my oldest daughter was placed in my arms, I never gave another thought to what I missed out on, nor what I saw my friends have. The bond between father and child began at that moment for me, instantaneously. While there is a clear difference between giving birth to become a parent, and through adoption, the emotions of that moment where it begins are the same. It took no time at all for me to want to bring a sister into my daughter’s life.

And that moment came almost two years later. With two daughters, I officially became a “girl dad.” And I was the happiest man on the planet. I felt a purpose, a responsibility, every decision that I made in my life, would have either rewards or consequences that would impact my daughters. There was pressure to make sure as they grew up, that they would learn everything they needed to be a responsible and respectable adult. Priorities were morals and manners, of course schooling, responsibilities and decision making, all the while, being a kid. It is said that 90% of our time together, will be before our children turn 18 years old. And boy did I want to make that time count.

Unfortunately, divorce changed the track a bit, but I did everything I could to stick to the original plan. And unlike my childhood where I barely saw my father, technology made it possible for me to stay in contact with them as much as I was able to do so.

And now, here we are, 20 years later. Both of my daughters are in college, independent of their parents, making their own decisions, with so many more to come. But instead of being in the guidance position, I am now in the advisor role. My daughters face decisions and come to me for assistance as needed, things that I may see that they do not.

My health issues have been well documented on this blog, and during their childhoods, my daughters have been through all of them. They are just now learning about my cancer past which gives them understanding why I have the health maladies that I do. But for me, these 20 years have given me meaning, purpose, drive. With the things that I deal with, these years are not guaranteed by any means. However, I want more, many more years, many more experiences. And my daughters are the reason I will continue to fight for those years and my health. I could not imagine where I would be today without them.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
18 Feb 2024

Debunking Three Myths


Up until a couple of years ago, there was a popular game that teens played among each other, as my daughters often challenged me to the game. It was an interesting concept, though I disagree with the one premise, the game did provide something valuable, an opportunity to learn about an each other. It was called “two truths and a lie.” This game is considered an “ice breaker” or conversation starter, and found not only in schools, but also in media such as Parade Magazine, even the Ellen DeGeneres show. You simply state three things, but two of those must be the truth, and the third must be a lie.

As a parent, I thought I had a pretty good edge with my daughters in this game, clearly knowing more about them than they themselves. It turns out that they were pretty good at finding things to tell me that I might be unaware of, one of the favorite topics, food choices. My youngest daughter was real good at getting me on that one.

So with that explanation, these are two of my truths, and one of the myths (I prefer to use myth as opposed to a lie because this is not something I say or believe, but rather what others believe.

  1. I love to attract drama.
  2. I am a shy person.
  3. I am a private person.

Now if you have followed “Paul’s Heart” long enough, it might actually be difficult to tell. But the fact is, two of these things are actually true about me, while the third, is more of a manifestation or a means for someone to justify how they feel about me as a person.

This first one really baffles me.

I have been told by a few people, that I “love to attract drama.” While I have had my share of intense events in my life, I certainly have never gone looking for them. When I ask for examples of the drama they refer to, I hear crickets chirp. I guess they must be comparing their lives to mine as far as things going on. They must be fortunate not to have anything nipping at their heels constantly. And for that, they feel I must go looking for trouble. I don’t.

I will admit however, that I have an unusually calm demeanor in dealing with crisis after crisis. But do I go looking for drama? Absolutely not. This is just one misconception that some people have expressed to me. I can say for certain, that when I face a crisis, I have a defense mechanism that kicks in, removing all emotions, allowing me to think rationally, recognizing that any kind of escalation in my emotions would likely make the situation worse. And so, I do not make it worse. I simply give myself time to think things out clearly and with direction. Ironically, I am a horrible chess player, but in life, I am able to think several steps ahead. But I definitely do not need to add anything more to my schedule demanding more attention of me.

I really do consider myself a shy person. Merriam-Webster defines “shy” as “timid, tendency to avoid, hesitant, or reserved.” Though I express myself through writing, speaking, and other performances, it is the individual one-on-one conversations that I can struggle with.

Through my school days, I kept to myself, often intimidated by the friendships that others had amongst themselves. Constantly moving during my school days did not help me to establish new friendships, only to move again as soon as I would finally get comfortable. As a co-worker, after some time and effort, I found myself being able to interact with moderate comfort. But really? Anywhere that I had a boundary, physical or mental, between me and someone else, is when I felt my most confident and functional. That became obvious as a radio disc jockey in my younger days, in a closed soundproofed room, broadcasting on the radio, no one looking directly at me. Recently, I had a former classmate call me out on social media following a post response which I considered quite neutral and factual, them stating aggressively and actually quite meanly, that I was still the same as I was in high school, still a “&(%*%” (fill in with any derogatory remark). Before I blocked any further access to me from them, I did make sure that those on that particular page were aware, that while I recognized the name, I never knew this person. I literally basically “hung” with maybe a handful of close friends in school. This person and I had never crossed paths because I was so shy.

But my biggest challenge came when I decided to run for a public office, our local school board. I did not prepare myself mentally, that campaigning was more than just saying “I’m running for school board.” I knew that I would have to give speeches, which I was okay with, because there would be separation between me and the audience. My problem came, when my campaign wanted me to attend “meet and greets” (candidates get the chance to mingle among the voters individually), and I was petrified. As a slate of five candidates, running for the five open slots against the five incumbents, I felt invincible. I had others behind me able to bail me out of any situation that I was getting boxed into. Not being a “politician”, I was not prepared for stumbling blocks that could be thrown at me. While I am a big “eye contact” person when I talk to someone, I found this to be a big problem when the eye contact was not returned.

After all of the speeches I have given, articles and stories that I have written, and other performances, I know that I can handle myself in public situations, but I still consider myself a shy person. This is a major challenge for someone trying to promote a book.

I am actually a very private person. I can hear the “I call bullshit” on this one from many. But I really am a private person, or at least, I want to be. And up until my diagnosis of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I definitely can affirm that I was a private person. There is one thing that prevents me from that privacy that I make the choice to live by. 

When I finished my treatments, I promised myself that I wanted to give back for the gift of life that I had been given. But as many cancer survivors know, because of treatments, I do not have the option of some of the more popular things I could do, such as give blood or donate organs. I wanted to help. I wanted to inspire. I want to give hope. To do this, that means I have to “share” my experiences, and if you have followed “Paul’s Heart” long enough, I am really quite transparent, some times to my own detriment. This advocacy that flows through my blood, would branch out to other issues such as patient care, cancer survivorship, adoption, public education, and of course, divorce related issues in regard to children. If I were not in the position I am in today, I would definitely prefer to going back to being a private person.

I am going to throw in a bonus truth. In spite of all of the difficult things that I have faced in my life, and continue to deal with, I really am a positive person. Sure, my cancer history, my divorces, and several other things that I have faced, are quite the downers. But I persevere. I come through every time, because I believe I will. All too often, many have counted me out, actually, they depended on me tapping out and quitting. But I don’t. Yes, I have many health issues that consume my attention. Of course, I missed being with my daughters during the divorce period as much as I was prior to the divorce. There are many things that I deal with as an advocate, and yes, they are difficult. But that does not make me a negative person because I make a choice, to deal with everything head on and to support others. I truly believe that things work out the way that they are intended to work out. And as long as I wake up tomorrow to do it all again, that sounds pretty positive to me.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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