Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Inspired By…”

03 Feb 2018

Dad Edition 1.4


It was inevitable.  I have seen this happen so many times before.  I have even made several jokes to others affected by this moment… a daughter’s first date.

The days are passed, where my daughters looked at me more as some sort of superhero.  Of course, the super hero reference is more than coincidence as they both know how much I like superheroes.  Each of them have their own special skills, abilities, traits, and characteristics.  But as my youngest daughter let me know the other day, not to undervalue the role of a Dad as a superhero.  I may not be green, but unprompted, she said, “Dad, you are one of the strongest people I will ever know.”  She was of course making reference to the many physical challenges of my life, and my refusal to quit.

But now, as I enter the next phase of parenthood (full blown teenagers), just as superhero movies get re-boots, I am due as well.  Although I will still retain all the qualities that my daughters have known their whole lives, strong, smart, brave, there is a new one that I want them to pay special attention to.

My oldest is going to be going to her first dance soon.  I remember my heart dropping to the floor when she told me.  Of course, she relished in telling me this news, because I have always kept this type of future conversation very light, jokingly, maybe, that I wanted her to remain a little girl, never grow up.  But she is growing up.

When I talk to my daughters about this next part of their life, I talk to both.  Because it is important.  I have told them, it is important first and foremost, that they respect themselves first.  How they want to be treated, is how they will expect an interested individual to treat them.  My daughters should want doors opened for them.  If the dating continues… gasp… gets serious… gasp… that they refer to themselves as dating or… gasp… boyfriend or girlfriend, then the actions of the other must reflect the values that I want my daughters to insist on.  I told them that if hands are going to be held, then school books should be carried for them.  Of course, most importantly, treat my daughters with care and respect.

All kidding aside, I am very proud of both of my daughters.  I believe they both have a good head on their shoulders.  And I knew some day this day would come.  I am hoping that they have seen enough of my example to see how my actions, and that they should want to be taken care of the same way.  But here is an interesting, and differing view point of just a two year difference.

In having the conversation with my oldest daughter upon finding out of her first date, the first question that I asked, “is he nice boy?”  And she said yes.  I did ask her his name, and I did so, as I explained to her, this time was one time that I did not want to make a joking matter, and treat him with respect right from the beginning, which meant, calling him by his name, not “him” or any other nickname.

It was the next question that I got two surprisingly different answers.  I asked, “who is paying for the dance?”  She responded that they were each paying their own way.  I could not have been any more proud of her.  Having experience of being a teenage boy, going “dutch” (each paying their own way), was at least a psychological way to make sure that each knew that there would be nothing funny going on during the date, that otherwise might be assumed if paid 100% by the suitor.  Of course, I complimented my daughter on that decision, saying only that it was a good thing, because by doing it this way, it would allow them to enjoy only the moment they were in, going to the dance, without thinking about anything else.  Sure,  I am dreading dates #2 and #3 and so on, but at least I know right now, she is thinking respectfully of herself.

My youngest daughter took it from a different angle.  She is two years younger, but felt her sister was making a foolish mistake not saving the money by making the boy pay for the dance.  Of course, I would agree with her logic, because I have had frequent conversations with both about money and decision making.  And I want them both to make good money decisions.  I let her know that she made a good point, but then I told her this situation was a little more complicated than that.  I kept the explanation a bit simple by just saying, by her sister paying her own way, it did not make the boy feel or think, that there was any more interest at that time, and she would not expect that either.  This way, there was no pressure, they could just enjoy the school dance.

I am fortunate to have the relationship with my daughters that I do.  It is not the Norman Rockwell family photo type, as like many families, our family is no longer together.  But between the times that we were together, through the last 24 hours, I still take every opportunity to remind them about life, what they should want, expect, how to handle adversity, and hopefully to make good decisions.  One of the best decisions I made, was in hiring their “final” babysitter.  After having issues with several, we found “the one”, a teacher at their daycare, and for the next eight years, she became a role model for them as both a young adult and student.  This special babysitter was not only caring when it came to babysitting, but in her personal life, she balanced work, school, along with what was important to her at the time.

For now, I am starting to regret teasing my other dad friends about this day.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment
01 Feb 2018
3 Comments

How Can This Story Get Any Worse?


This is Larissa Boyce, 36 years old.  Twenty years earlier, she was sexually assaulted by someone she trusted, that her parents trusted, to treat her in her dreams of participating in gymnastics.    Originally, when I wrote last week (“Defining Insanity”), the number of victims of Larry Nassar, team doctor at Michigan State University, was publicly being stated at over 150.  Today, the number has climbed as high as 265 victims.

Nassar was sentenced severely enough, that he is expected to die in prison.  But sadly, there is going to be yet more court actions as further sentencing is forthcoming.  And that is what has led to the increase in the number of his victims.  In listening to reports, Nassar believed himself to be a “body whisperer” which he probably felt gave him the right to do what he did to all of his victims and that people just did not understand, that is what made his practice work.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

The whole point of my “Defining Insanity” post, was that no matter how extreme these stories get, we still keep ending up going through the same cycle over and over.  Victim makes an allegation.  Victim is discounted, often made to feel as if the problem.  Repeat.  Incidents made public.  Outrage.  Denial of knowledge of the abuse.  Repeated over and over again.

As was reported in Boyce’s case, Boyce, who was one of many children, non MSU students treated on campus, she was made to believe she was the problem.  Denial that Nassar did anything.  Boyce was made to believe that she simply did not understand what was being done to her.  No one would be notified.  This would stay within the four walls of MSU.  People she looked up to in the MSU Youth Gymnastics program had not only let her down.  But by being complicit, over 265 victims are now the latest count.

Defining insanity.  The Catholic Church priest sex scandal.  The sex scandal at Penn State involving Jerry Sandusky.  These were all major publicized events, and yet, here we are again.  The definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting a different result.

All it would have taken was for not just the first victim to be believed, but even within the first dozen victims if even that many were needed.

I have often found myself wondering about those adults in my childhood, especially teachers in high school, where comments were often made about certain teachers and possible inappropriateness.  Might the rumors have been true, and we were all just led to believe they were not?  Were fellow students being abused, and shamed into secrecy?  Were any of my friends made to think they were the problem?

And then there is the “how” this could happen.  That is an easy one.  It is all about “power”.  Because dreams are so high, yet success limited in numbers, opportunities are far and few.  And that power is held over heads to keep a victim compliant.  To have any success, keep your mouth shut.  And it does not matter what the pursuit in life is.  And this does not happen to just children.  As we are finding out with the “Me Too” movement, it happens to plenty of adults as well, female AND male.

How many is too many before a complaint is taken seriously?  How, with all the publicity, things like this still occur?  How do we keep letting abusers get into positions that enable them to feed their needs to abuse?

As a father of two teenage girls, this is my reality now.  And it should make no difference if I had sons either.  But I would hope, that if anyone would put my daughters in a situation that clearly was unacceptable, that my daughters feel they could trust the adults in their lives, myself, their mother, a teacher, a friend’s parent, as many as it took to deal with the situation.  But to do this, we need to believe their claim right from the beginning.  We cannot afford to be complicit and just blow it off.  Perhaps just even as bad, if we are made aware of such a claim of another child, not even our own, we still have that responsibility to act, even if not our own child.

Of course, there is the risk of the accused perpetrator being an innocent victim themselves of a vicious rumor campaign by mean and vindictive students or adults, retribution for a denial of an opportunity that was sought and denied.  And this has its own consequence as a career can be ruined, and a family destroyed.

But as an average human being, without training in recognizing and dealing with sexual abuse, we are not qualified to make the determination, which is a legitimate accusation, and which is not.

Think about it, and the investigations will reveal just how many people at MSU knew what was happening.  The number is now over 265.  How many people were told, then made the victims to accept the blame?  How many people knew, and then turned their backs?  If the victim count is 265… how many people knew?  And this is just the MSU situation.  There have been so many other institutions rocked by this type of scandal, and there probably will be more.

The question is, do we just keep doing the same thing, over and over again?  It is time to take the first complain seriously, whether our child or not.

Posted in Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation
29 Jan 2018

Does It Really Make A Difference “How” or “Why”?


Surely it has happened to you at some point in your life.  You spill a drink, and not just any drink, but one that will leave a huge and permanent stain, and definitely only get worse the longer it sits.

There are all kinds of hacks to clean up a spill that will cause a stain.  But they all rely on how quickly you respond.  If done immediately and correctly, perhaps there can be nothing noticeable remaining.  As the liquid sits, the stain will become more difficult to deal with.  And of course, to do nothing, well, say goodbye to the carpet then.

This is not just a metaphor.  This is a life saver.

Do you stand there and wonder how it happened?  Why it happened?  What you could have done differently so that the drink would not have spilled in the first place?  Does it really make a difference once it has occurred?

I was 22 years old when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  To my knowledge, I am the only person in my family history to develop this type of cancer.  I had five other family members who had battled a different form of cancer, all have passed away.

I am on several social media pages for cancer as well as life after cancer.  Usually two or three times a year, a discussion comes up wondering about the cause of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  While we know there are hereditary possibilities with certain cancers such as breast cancer, dietary influences when it comes to colon cancer, and of course smoking linked to lung cancer, there are no confirmed actual causes of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

There are similarities however, amongst many of us, in regard to our health histories that should not be ignored.

Please read this next sentence carefully, very carefully.  Most of us who have had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma at one time or another, dealt with the Epstein Barr virus.  THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!  This does not mean that everyone who gets EBV will get Hodgkin’s.  Like the lesson taught in school, “all mammals are animals, but not all animals are mammals,” the same applies here.  I have never been tested for the Epstein Barr virus, and with my Hodgkin’s having occurred almost 30 years ago, if I got the test done, I am pretty sure I would test positive for having had it.

But the EBV does often lead to another illness, mononucleosis, “mono.”  And again, though just as prominent among Hodgkin’s patients and survivors, many of us have had mono, though not as numerous as just having EBV.  Now the same rule applies as with the EBV, not everyone who gets mono will develop Hodgkin’s.  And considering how prevalent a diagnosis of mono can be, Hodgkin’s is considered rare with an average 50,000 diagnosis each year.  So, sadly, at best, EBV and mono appear, or are at least looked at as just coincidences.  Just as a matter of fact, I was diagnosed with mono at the age of 18, four years before I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s.

Agent orange is a mixture of an herbicide and chemicals, most popularly used during the Vietnam War, having exposed so many to its toxicity.  And for several long term survivors of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, another similarity, from exposure.

Then there are also conversations about “clusters” or “hot spots”, locations with higher incidents of diagnosis of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  In my early days of survivorship, I had first learned of this situation, concerning areas of Ohio.  I have since learned of other areas, from Los Angeles to Ohio to New York to Norway.  Again, there seems to be a causality due to exposure to chemicals such as Benzene.  There are many of us who lived near Three Mile Island (though I know some who lived closer to TMI than I did when the crisis occurred back in the 1970’s) so radiation is yet another coincidence.  I had even seen reports narrowing down a cluster to a particular high school.  But in the end, these are all just treated either as numbers, or coincidences.

Ultimately, if I really wanted to pinpoint anything, especially with Hodgkin’s being a cancer of the immune system, I would point a finger at stress, not necessarily as a cause, but definitely a trigger.  Like many other things I have had to deal with medically, my events were all preceded by higher amounts of stress than normal.  And what effect does stress have on the body?  It lowers the immune system’s ability to respond and defend.  At the time of my diagnosis, I could not have been under more stress – a challenge I would well exceed fifteen years later.  But again, I want to stress, no pun intended, stress does not mean you will end up with Hodgkin’s.

In the meantime, for those of us in this world of Hodgkin’s, are you letting that “stain in the carpet” sit longer, or have you just taken care of it and have moved on?  To obsess about the “how” or “why”, especially in the beginning of the Hodgkin’s journey can cost valuable time in regard to treatment.  And as most of us HD survivors will tell you, time is critical in treating Hodgkin’s.  And to obsess about the “how” or “why” in survivorship, will only mean that we are not paying attention to the things around us that should matter more.  Sure, it would be nice for closure, to have the “a-ha” moment that we could tie our Hodgkin’s to.  But in reality, I do not see this in my lifetime, which I am hoping for another 30-40 years.

 

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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