Paul's Heart

Catharsis

I write for many reasons. It helps me to keep things organized in my life. Things that I write about help me to remember. I hope that many of the things that I share, inspire, provide hope, cause laughter, or provide comfort and familiarity. Writing is also cathartic.

The release that I get, from putting my thoughts down in a blog, in a diary, or as I have just finally completed, a book, is not only therapeutic, but more times than not, provided me relief when I needed it most. As I tell many, if you do not have a therapist, writing down your thoughts is just as good because it gives you the chance to process your thoughts again.

I am in a strange place right now in my mind, several things at the forefront, coming up in the next week or so. My younger daughter is about to start her freshman year of college, joining her sister now in her sophomore year, a time I never thought I would live to see. I am approaching bi-annual medical follow-ups for all of my health issues, with always the “what if’s” in the back of my mind. And having finished writing my first book, called “Paul’s Heart – Life As A Dad And A 35-Year Cancer Survivor,” as I edit the book, I am coming to a bigger realization, and more than just catharsis.

A therapist I saw back in the days that I was treated for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma often accused me of not recognizing the gravity or seriousness of what I was going through. I knew she was right, but I would still try to convince her that I was taking it seriously. But the truth was, for me to recognize how serious everything was, I would have to recognize and accept my mortality, which was in jeopardy. I felt my mind was in the right way of thinking, that I would get through my cancer. There was also the fact, that I knew that others had it way worse than I did. Some might not even survive. I was not planning on that fate. So no, I would not let myself take this episode in my life so seriously, because I expected to be fine.

Even as I wrote the book, chapter by chapter, as I recalled every detail, I still do not feel I saw how serious everything was that I went through. Sure, I knew all the dangers and crisis that I went through, and just as my therapist reminded me daily back then, it still did not hit me.

Now, with the book complete, I have read the whole thing in its entirety, although for the first time as an opportunity to do a final edit, several times. It has taken four decades, and being able to read through the entire manuscript, all the time periods and details, I can acknowledge just how difficult and dangerous many of the periods of my life really were.

For someone to pass by me on the street, without knowing me, would have no idea of the journey that I had taken over the last thirty-five years, the toxicity that I was exposed to with my treatments, and the health emergencies that I survived. But when you get the chance to read my book, soon I am hoping, I really did go through everything in the book. I may have made it look easy, I may have made myself “think” it was easy, but for the first time, I will say, it was far from easy.

My fight against cancer was hard, and not just my hard head fighting against me and the efforts to treat me. The unknown of what survivorship would bring, from discrimination to one health crisis after another, late developing side effects from my treatments, nearly as fatal as my fight against cancer, starting each day with uncertainty. The pressures of life and stress along with expectations and interference of others served as unnecessary and unwanted distractions. The fear of being the source of loss for the most important people in my life, knowing that my days of uncertainty and survivorship are not guaranteed.

I have no regrets about the decisions I made back in 1988 nor that I make today. Everything I do or write, are with the intentions of seeing another tomorrow, and are part of that plan.

I will continue to write here on “Paul’s Heart,” as I still have nearly 300 stories that I began to write and put to the side, and have many more to go. I will take a little time and then begin my second book. I am actually planning three more.

This is how I deal. Yes, some close to me cringe how open I am with my posts. But as I will never discover anything earth shattering or come up with a cure for something, if my words can make a difference to at least one, then this was all worth it.

The “Do Over”

The question is, “if you had the chance to go back in time, and re-live something over again, what would you want to re-live and would you do it?”

First, I need to offer a disclaimer and “nerd” alert. I am a huge fan of the television show “Quantum Leap” and the movie “Back To The Future.” So, to understand the above question, I would have to understand the ramifications and risks associated with going back in time. Even the slightest change in the past would have a major impact on the future.

For instance, though there is no known cause of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, if I were to relive any time period just before my diagnosis, and somehow end up not being diagnosed with cancer, on one hand that would be a great thing. But tragically, that would erase all that I have accomplished over the years, and take away the two most important people away from me, my daughters.

There are definitely things that I would not want to relive again, all losses of loved ones.

As my path through Fatherhood was not as I had originally planned, I did the best that I could and accomplished what I needed to. I have plenty of photos to look back on to relive all of those moments.

There is one moment in my life, that I do wish I could live over again, but this would come at a risk of changing history. Because there would be a slight/major change in the moment.

One of many stories I had written over the years was being performed (read) live, by professional actors. It was an achievement I never thought possible. The story was about the passing of my Father. But being recently separated at the time, I wanted my daughters to attend this moment with me, but was denied by their mother. I had promised that everything would be done to make sure they were prepared for, and able to attend school the next morning. I was still refused.

It was one of the most powerful and surreal experiences in my life that I do not know if I will ever get the chance to experience anything like that again. I do not know if getting to go back, have my daughters sit by my side for the performance, meet the actors afterwards, and listen to the kind words of audience members would change any direction of the future. But if I had one moment, to relive over again, this would be it.