Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Family and Friends”

02 Oct 2014

Beam Me Up!


For those of old enough to have remembered the “old days without” certain technologies, and at those time thought such technologies would never happen, I for one am glad those technologies had been invented.  I am glad that the flip “communicators” used in the 1970’s television series Star Trek became common as hand held cell phones.  By the turn of the century, nearly all of us were able to afford and use a similar looking communication device as Captain Kirk, the cell phone.  But even more impressive, growing up watching that television series, was the concept that one day, we might be able to see each other as we talk to each other.  Of course we were already broadcasting images and sounds across the television, but to actually have a conversation while looking at each other seemed impossible as Captain Kirk communicated with his ship mates on the planet below.

But then came camera accessories for the computer, which would eventually lead to programs like Skype, Tango, and Facetime.

Being away from my children, over a thousand miles away would be so much more difficult would it not be for this new technology.

My parents had a custody agreement, which back in the late 1960’s was quite rough on the fathers who virtually had no rights.  I do not know the exact orders that my parents had between them, but I do know that I only saw my father, every other Sunday, and for just a few hours.  He was not able to see me or my sister.  He regularly missed special events in our lives such as birthdays, special events in school, and more.  Sure, we could talk on the phone.  And we were living just two cities apart from each other, so there was no great distance.

In my father’s last years, we often talked about what happened in the past, and how he wished that things would have been different for my childhood.  But unlike technology helping with the future, technology cannot give us back the past.

But as I continue on through this second year of the divorce process, I am taking the lessons I learned from conversations with my father.  Yes, I am a huge distance physically away from my daughters.  Thankfully, with technology, and a court order, I am allowed to see my daughters at any time, no matter how far apart we are.

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Every night, we chat with each other on Facetime.  We talk about the day’s activities, homework, boys, and upcoming plans, and what we would like to do next time we are with each other.  We tell each other we miss each other, and love each other.  And I get to say goodnight to them.  Of course we use other technologies to keep in touch with each other from texting to videos, to just plain phone calls.

The same courtesy is given to their mother when the girls are visiting me.  As my friend Matt told me, I will miss a lot of events in their lives, and there are some that I will be able to attend.  And when I do, those will be extra special.  And those that I cannot, hopefully technology will give me the ability to share in those memories.  But with everything we currently have, I would have only myself to blame if I did not get to “see” or talk to them each and every day.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment
01 Oct 2014
2 Comments

Spouses Divorce, Not Parents


I first saw the movie “Kramer Vs. Kramer” starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep when I was a freshman in high school. It was about a man who was divorced and had to fight for custody of his son. As a child of divorce myself, though I was quite young, three years of age, I was pretty much shielded from the nastiness of divorce that was demonstrated in the movie.

Earlier this year, I saw another “divorce” movie, called “ACOD – Adult Children of Divorce”. It was a dark comedy about a child who unbeknownst to him, had been part of a study on the effects of divorce on children. He is then enlisted as a participant in a new study as an adult which only reeks havoc on the entire family. There were quite a few times that I did chuckle, but honestly, it is hard for me to find anything even remotely lighthearted in my current divorce situation.

The truth is, unless you have been through a divorce, either as spouse or child of divorcing parents, there is really no way for you to understand the complexities of emotions involved in a divorce.  I have heard many judgmental comments from both friends and family. Judgments come because people do not have facts or statements from the people involved. Let us be honest here. The divorce process is between the two spouses, not the friends, not the family, and not the children. As an outsider, you will hear only what each side wants you to hear. And as far as I am concerned, what I feel you need to hear.

But the biggest human flaw that I possess is that I do care about what people perceive about me. I have spent my entire life defending myself against bullies and those that tried to sabotage parts of my life. The divorce process is a bit more serious, especially in my case, because my divorce involves children. As I have said in previous posts, I am not going to discuss the exact details of my case, but I will shed some light as to some of the thought processes that I have made. In particular, child custody.

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Anyone who knows me, knows my children mean the world to me.  Which is why so many were shocked, when many heard the custody arrangement that was not only agreed to, was actually created by me.  The main reaction was, “Oh my God, how are you going to do without them?”  Believe me, it was not an easy decision to make, but one that I believed was going to be in the best interest of my daughters.  It was going to be an arrangement that I felt would give them quality visits with me and allow us to be father and daughters again.  To me it was not about how much, but rather what was it going to be like.

There are circumstances that I will not go into right now, because the process is ongoing, but with what I knew about the system, parents today will most likely share custody of their children, 50-50.  But as factors of my divorce were occurring on a daily basis I had made a decision that there was a likelihood that I would look to start my life over, and it would be out of state.  Needless to say, it has complicated things for my attorney, but it is still a decision I believe is the correct one.  A “shared” custody would not work between states because of both children are still in school.  Both of us had wanted full custody, but only I was the one being realistic that neither of us would get that option.  Which means that it was left up to me, to come up with some sort of idea.  But just as anything else I had come up with, was objected to with the attitude to let the courts decide.

And so was at court that I made the same suggestion of time with my daughters.  I sacrificed a lot, for what I felt was best for my daughters, what was going to give them the best quality of time spent with me.  I surrendered all holidays, but instead, asked to spend time with them during the rest of the time off of those holiday weekends.  But for two weeks over the winter break, and seven weeks during the summer months, they would travel to be with me.  And here with me, there would be no signs of divorce activity, no negative comments being discussed, and definitely no tension on my part.  They would get to spend time with me as “daughters and Dad,” something that had not happened in well over a year because of the divorce process.

To be honest, I have heard my share of criticism, and I understand where it comes from.  But for those who have offered that criticism, they do not understand what went on inside of our house as we kept our lives fairly private.  Yes, our daughters had already been through enough tragedy in their lives having been adopted, with basically no opportunity to ever know their biological parents.  But to argue that my ex and I should stay together for the sake of not making the children go through more difficulty is definitely the wrong thing to do.

From the time the divorce was announced, both of our attorneys had made the recommendation to remain in the house so as not to be accused of abandonment.  And so, that is how it was for nine months.  But the animosity and tension built every day.  We could no longer be in the same room with each other as the tensions built.  And the children witnessed this.  There had been several attempts to save the marriage, but it was clear during this nine-month period, it was never going to happen.  And to keep the children in this environment, was far worse to do to my children.  As they say, “better for children to be from a broken home, rather than to live in one” (from the movie Airport 1970 – Dana Wynter).

And so, my first visit with my daughters was ironically during Father’s Day weekend.  And I spent the entire weekend with them assuring that things were going to remain pretty much normal for them if not even better.  Mom was going to always be Mom and I made sure that I told them frequently how much their mother loved them, and Dad was always going to be Dad and I was always going to love them.  The children were going to get to have twice as much fun in their lives.  Most importantly for me, I was going to shield them from as much of the divorce and ugliness as I could.  While they were with me, all they were going to deal with was once again, being able to spend time with me.

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A month and a half later, I travelled to pick up my daughters, and bring them to my new home for the majority of the summer.  A wave of emotions came over me.  I was finally getting to spend quality time with my girls again.  There were no thoughts of pending divorce proceedings.  Some made reference to it being a “vacation” for the girls.  But the girls would be the first to tell you, “it wasn’t a vacation.”  Just like a couple of years earlier, I had them working on study books all summer long which kept them in condition for when the school year would begin.  The girls also had some simple chores to do.  And yes, we did have a lot of fun.

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But what the girls came away with as I returned them home was this, both of my daughters know, they have a home with their mother, and a home with their father.  As my oldest put it, “we have two places to live”.  And she says it so proudly.  There was no negativity of the divorce while they were here.  They were able to “see” their mother every day (just like I do when they are at home) via video calls.  This is a critical tool to have that parents did not have years ago to deal with absences.  From the time that I took them home, it will be over three months before I get to spend time with them again.  And I will not lie, my heart aches for the lost time.  I know I will miss certain events in their lives.  But seeing them every night and talking to them, helps with that pain.  And I do believe this was the best arrangement for them, as to avoid having them exposed to everything that has come up, and will come up in the divorce.  I have done what I can to make sure that sure that my daughters who are children, only have to deal with childhood things.  The rest is up to everyone else.

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Posted in Adoption, Family and Friends
30 Sep 2014
1 Comment

Stephanie’s Words


Today is the final day of National Lymphoma Month. But for those of us who have battled lymphoma, every day will always be Lymphoma Month, because we have to live with it every day, even after the treatment ends.

My final post of September in recognition of NLM, I wanted to share with you one of the most inspirational stories I have ever heard. I am going to “split” this post with her original words and my commentary.

I first learned about Stephanie from her mother who had learned about me from a lymphoma support web site. Of course, I will always believe that some of the most important support you will have when facing any cancer, is the support from family. There will never be stronger support, than from that of a mother. That being said, when her mother had reached out to me, Stephanie had already completed her treatment, but was struggling getting back to living life. That is all I knew of Stephanie at that point and I encouraged the mother to contact me. After all, who knows more about surviving cancer than someone who has done it for decades?

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Soon after that, I heard from Stephanie. And while we did not really discuss her days fighting Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, we did talk about her emotions and struggles with getting back to a “new normal”.

I have known of Stephanie for well over a year now, following her survival, her advocacy, and her “new normal” as she has moved forward with determination as she returned to college to become a respiratory therapist, quite appropriate for her. I am proud to know Stephanie and her family. And I hope as you read, from Stephanie’s own words, that what was once a horrific and challenging fight with cancer, you will be inspired to overcome any obstacle, cancer or not, and to never give up hope.

I give you, “Stephanie’s Words.”

“I was a sophomore in college at West Chester University and was 19 years old when I found out. I had started to get deep coughs constantly and summer colds. Antibiotics barely phased me.

I went along to school and forced myself out of bed for each class because I was determined to succeed this semester. But each day was getting harder and harder to focus and go to class. I was still coughing, I couldn’t sleep, heart was constantly racing, I couldn’t breathe right walking to class, I had terrible night sweats for some odd reason because me and my roommate made sure our rooms were a cold temperature every night, and a rash all over my stomach that I swore was bed bugs. Creeped me the hell out! Also, sleeping at night on my back felt like I was suffocating. My heart would race fast constantly. I went to the health center at my college 7 damn times. 7 times. Of course again, I had bronchitis or an allergic reaction to something, they told me. I was once again loaded up with antibiotics. It wasn’t bed bugs by the way…

There was one point where I couldn’t even stand in the bathroom to do simple things as brushing my teeth or doing my make up. I couldn’t stand for more than 2 minutes without feeling tired.

I developed a few different skin irritations, which consisted of a yeast infection on my leg and ring worm on my arm. We thought (and doctors confirmed) that this was an allergic reaction to laundry detergents or something in my college dorm. I was, after all, a typical college student, living in the dorms, with every other typical college student from all over.

I started losing weight, I didn’t eat normally. I was getting weaker and weaker each day and started not caring about classes anymore and just rather lay in bed then go anywhere.

Winter break comes along finally and I get to go home and relax for a month. A couple days into break I realize I am really not okay and finally go to the hospital.

Me and my mom went to just get examined and get the hell out of there, but obviously that wasn’t the case. The X-ray revealed a mass that spread approximately 18-20 cm across my entire chest and into my shoulders. One doctor stated, “I’ve never seen anything this massive before.” My family’s world completely stopped as we all struggled to grasp the news.

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I was completely frozen from that point on. I remember them talking, my mom crying with black mascara down her face, the doctors asking if I’d like to see what the x-ray looked like and me responding with ‘no’ because I was so scared to face reality.

I was admitted and the hospital ran more tests to identify the nature of the mass. A thyroid issue? Lymphoma? Something else? We didn’t know for sure, but deep down inside our hearts, we knew it was cancer.

I ended up getting transferred to University of Penn Hospital, which I might add is a wonderful hospital. I got my biopsy there the next day. I died on the table, they brought me back. There were complications during the biopsy due to the size of the tumor and the pressure on my airways and that I was put in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) on life support.

Next thing I remember waking up to a tube shoved in the middle of my throat and being highly medicated.

I was there for four months after that. I was on an ECMO machine, a ventilator, emergency radiation, a medicated coma, then chemo, then blood clots in my ribs from too much heparin then given lasics, a bed sore, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t go to the bathroom normally, I had pneumonia so many times, My hair was falling out so much I eventually had to shave it, and I was throwing up and drugged up so much you wouldn’t believe it. I’m sure I had more problems, but it all seems like a blur now that I am reminiscing. I mean you’re reading this from a girl that was so drugged up and delusional that I was afraid of the computer screens in my room in the ICU. Apparently I was a tad bit nutty. Oh did I mention no food or water for two months? Two months. They placed a feeding tube in my stomach to survive. They gave me mouth swabs every time my mouth was dry. I remember a nurse left a damp rag near me and I grabbed it to try to suck every last drop of water from that towel to get a least a little satisfaction. She wasn’t too pleased with me after that…

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I had a stent and tracheotomy surgeries to try to open up my airways, but was still unable to breathe on my own and was on a ventilator, unable to speak so I mouthed words and phrases. Recently, the doctors have discovered fistulas on my trachea. They realized that when the chemotherapy did its job and shrunk the tumor, it also caused the tumor to rip 2 holes out of my trachea. This makes me susceptible to even more infections while I continued with chemotherapy and with the hope is that it will eventually repair itself, as there is currently no medical solution to correct the holes. The doctors at University of Pennsylvania Hospital have been researching cases like this in the US and around the world, and have never seen anything like this before. This made their decisions in treating me even harder to make.

When I was put in a coma, they didn’t move me as much as I was supposed to. When I woke up, I had a huge disgusting bed sore on my butt and dropped foot on my left foot. I felt the numbness starting in my right foot as well at the time but the more I moved around it went away, in my right foot at least.

I was forced to get up out of bed for physical therapy. Can you imagine just walking 5 feet and have to sit down because your’e tired?? Yeah, that was me. It was very depressing. I gave those nurses such a hard time for having to get up, but it was such a damn struggle all I wanted to do was rest and be left alone. I quickly learned if I wanted out, I gotta do what they say whether I like it or not.

I remember the most anxiety I had was weening me off the ventilator. I relied on that to help me breathe everyday and the first time I got off it was such a struggle breathing on my own. Learning to breathe to keep my body going sounds so ridiculous now but it was no joke on how scared I was. They would put the oxygen lower and lower trying to trick me and I knew it every time. I’d yell at them to stop because I felt I wasn’t ready but obviously I had no choice.

You know, hospital life wasn’t so bad sometimes. I mean I couldn’t go anywhere so I was forced to make the best of it. I made a lot of friends. The nurses were my supporters. The doctors were my supporters. I was the best case they’ve ever seen and I felt pretty special every time I heard I was making progress. Anyone would feel that way but you could actually see how much they care for their patients and it makes me smile. I heard their life stories, I even gave my own advice to them. The nurses were my main buddies. I will always love them. They delt with me and my crazy italian family? Seriously, kudos to you guys because I can barely take them sometimes!

I feel like living in the hospital strips your dignity in a way though. You can not make your own decisions. You are literally relying on people you barely know to make you better. I think that was the worst thing about being there. I had no voice. I couldn’t wash myself, go to the bathroom with out a bed pan, drink, eat, sleep without someone coming in the room or the machines constantly beeping, forced to go through every chemo, every walk, every surgery. I think my whole family saw me naked several times, not to mention the nurses and doctors. I had no choice.

Around Easter, I remember I wore my first wig. My mom came in and did my make up and dressed me up in my best sweats and T-shirt. Haha then she would leave to go get my grandparents to have Easter dinner with me.

I actually made friends within and outside the hospital with fellow cancer patients. That helped me get by knowing I wasn’t alone. I was the youngest patient in the MICU and that didn’t help too much to boost my confidence.

When I was finally moved to the ‘healthier side’ of the building in Rhodes 5, that was the highlight of my life. I was finally moving forward and away from the MICU.  I had more freedom to move around! I actually had my family take me outside in a wheelchair to breathe I the fresh air and the sun on my face. It was cold out but god, if felt so amazing.

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When I finally was given the chance to finally go home in the middle of April, I was so incredibly happy, but I also had a major fear of my own home. If I were to slip and fall, I’d be done for. My body was still thin and frail, I could seriously harm myself. We decided to get a bed in the middle of my living room since I couldn’t walk up the stairs too well.

I spent a week home and then went in to get chemo for three days. I couldn’t wait to get back home right after I was done my third day so I had my dad pick me up. That night the chemo finally hit me and I threw up and never stopped throwing up till morning. We had to get a nurse to come and help us set up liquid zofran to help me with the nausea. She didn’t like that my pulse was so weak and told my mom to immediately send me back to the ER. Everything I drank, ate, smelled, was making me throw up over and over again. So that was my first trip back to the ER while being home. I spent a couple more days in the hospital until I was free of nausea. That was the worst time going back. I threw up in the waiting room, in the hallway because they were too full of beds, then consistently in the room and finally in my room in the hospital.

When I returned home I was back at watching tv and continually eating more. I’d get chemo again and then go home, thinking I’d be fine again now that we had a full supply of liquid zofran. I was wrong. I had another trip to the ER not as bad as the first time though. I waited it out there and then was discharged home.

Bathing at home was a challenge. I had to go up 15 steps to get to the tub and then get into the tub without slipping and sit on a stool on a rubber mat to wash myself. It was embarrassing to have my mom sit there and wash me because I was unable to do so myself. I couldn’t dress myself after either. I needed help with just about everything besides going to the bathroom.

When I was getting healthier, I was told my a friend of the family that she raised money for me to get a real haired wig in Cherry hill. Dyed to my liking and all. I cried. I finally looked a little more like my old self.

A couple weeks after that, I went to a graduation party for my friends brother and actually met the guy I’m dating now! I remember telling him that my name is Stephanie and I blurted out that I had cancer. He wasn’t phased a bit. He had his issues in the hospital from a car accident 6 years ago, so we had a couple similarities, one being that we are both miracles.

In July, the words I was waiting FOREVER to hear, was that I was finally in remission!!!!! Cancer free, tumor dead, but still unfortunately in my chest.

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So the next step was to collect my stem cells in case the cancer did come back, I’d use them and go through a high dose chemo and be in the hospital for a couple weeks.

After that, radiation. Now the whole process of radiation was very difficult for me. I was in a cold room, topless, and forced to wear a hard mask for 45 minutes and to not move an inch. Every single day for a month. It was absolute torture. I cried so many times because all I wanted to do was move that stupid mask off my face that kept me secured to a cold hard table. I had good days, I had bad days in there. On a good day, I was in and out and no waiting turns for the beam. On a bad day, the beam was in another room and I had to wait longer. I’d fidget, move around and then they’d have to reposition me which made me lay longer with the mask on. It was extremely difficult sometimes.

So after radiation was done on my last day, I had a proud moment with my family and rung the bell I’ve been waiting to do since I got there the first day.

From that point on I have had many ups and downs. I still continue to struggle with nausea, mucus build up overnight, physical and emotional issues with friends and family. Sometimes they can be understanding, sometimes they can’t. It can be very hard for someone who finally had their life together to have a rug pulled from under them and to pick themselves back up again.”

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I will post Stephanie’s entire story as a “page” on “Paul’s Heart”. There are a lot more details and it is quite graphic. But all the more, to hear and see everything that this young woman has gone through, to witness her triumphs today, you have to be inspired.

Stephanie, her family, and friends participate in the annual Light The Night walk for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. This is the link to Stephanie’s team page as they will be walking again in late October:  http://pages.lightthenight.org/epa/BucksCo14/TeamSteph.  Myself, I will be walking in our local Light The Night Walk next week.

 

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart

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