Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Family and Friends”

02 Jul 2021

“It’s Not The Heat. It’s The Stupidity.”


Not a surprise to those of us who live in Florida, we just began hurricane season a month ago. And we now have our first hurricane approaching, Elsa. Such a friendly name, a Disney princess in fact. Nothing like Katrina who would likely be a rushing spy, or Irma, a cranky old librarian (Harry Potter reference to Irma Pince).

A surprise to those who do not live in Florida, we just began hurricane season a month ago. And now there is a hurricane approaching.

For those of use who live here, having been through strong named storms, most recently Irma, we know how to prepare. More importantly, we know not to panic. But for those that vacation or migrate here for periods of time, it is a different story. But how we handle it as residents, and how they handle it as tourists, our priorities could not be more different.

A post this morning torqued me the wrong way, not easy to do, but if there is one thing that I fault in people, is not keeping perspective in life, the things that are important. The post read, “HELP! I am arriving on Wednesday! What is going to happen with the storm?” Social media did not disappoint with their responses. I chose to bite my tongue because I would not have been as kind as the smartass answers that were posting. “You’re going to get wet.” “Party!” Eventually the post was removed because I am certain the responses were getting quite extreme either in sarcasm or worse.

This is a photo from the aftermath of Irma several years ago. I was living 50 yards from where this photo was taken. Yet, within two weeks of the hurricane landing here, people were travelling here to continue with their plans to vacation. And then, they were shocked and pissed because their environment had not been cleaned up yet after just two weeks. The truth is, many in this particular area were still without power.

This was not the first time I saw this behavior. The year prior, the Everglades had a monstrous brush fire. That was more than twenty miles away from me, yet, I had quarter coin sized ashes falling in my parking lot. Vacationers would come in to the building off the beach, complaining about being showered with ash, and it was ruining their vacations. Living here, I was more than aware of the totality of loss that residents were experiencing, and I snapped. “What the hell is wrong with you! You are worried about your vacation? You do realized people have lost, or are losing their homes to this fire?!”

A close friend of mine used to quip during the summers, especially during heat waves, “just remember, it is not the heat, it is the stupidity.” I have now come to realize just how true this actually is. It is no longer “not the heat but the humidity,” but rather the stupidity and the drama that people seek.

Amusement parks have finally opened and are doing what they can, especially when it comes to mitigation efforts and staffing. Many are struggling to get back to full operating capacity with staffing. And of course, the griping and the sniping of the inconveniences to those who want their park to be open now and in full are sounding off. These people do not care about the problems that the park is dealing with, and they are dealing with them, it is an inconvenience to the individual consumer… DAMMIT! I can only sit here shaking my head.

Even on local levels, local residents struggle balancing their selfishness with understanding, and what they know to be the situation. Snack shacks at community pools and the shortage of staffing, have led to rudeness by adults waiting in line, not kids, but adults. I guess they would be happier with the snack shacks closed until they could be open. But wait, we have just been “closed” for over a year, and DAMMIT you want everything opened 100% just like it was prior to the pandemic.

Even our skies are no longer friendly. Statistically speaking, there have been more incidents on airplanes in six months, than there were all of the prior year. And of course, 65% of those incidents were sparked by morons refusing to follow orders of the attendants to wear the masks and properly. While they do not go into individual detail, that means there is still 800 cases this year, non-mask related, that people got out of hand with flight attendants. What the hell is wrong with people.

The US is in the middle of this ridiculous heatwave like we have never seen before. But clearly these behaviors were happening before the heatwave. Maybe my friend was right, it is not the heat, but the stupidity that is causing people to lose perspective of what is important.

Then again, not everyone has had to deal with life threatening situations to remember what is actually important in life.

Posted in Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation and tagged | Leave a comment
26 Jun 2021

Trying To Outrun The Inevitable


I was asked not too long ago, “when did you know that you wanted to be a Dad?” And when I answered “right after graduation,” it was not because I was looking to go out an populate the world right away. Rather, I had been so hurt by my father at that point, I wanted to prove to myself, that I would not make the choices that he did. I would be there for my children. I would be the father that I wanted, needed to have.

Hodgkin’s Lymphoma took that opportunity away from me. However, through adoptions, I was given that chance back again. And regardless that my marriage ended in divorce, that did not mean that my role as a father would cease either. In fact, I faced a similar crossroad that my father faced, when it came to his children. But I chose the other path.

As I often state, I will not go into details of my divorce, but the one thing that has been constant in the eight years since? I made the choice to stay involved with my daughters. Certainly it has not been perfect, or ideal, but I have done all that I can to make it work. Hell, even a pandemic could not stop me.

So, having followed through on my self-promise, as a father, and managing the multitude of health issues from the late developing side effects from the treatments of my Hodgkin’s, I have arrived at an even bigger stage of life, my daughters having grown up, and becoming women of their own selves.

All parents go through it, their “babies” growing up. So this is not something unique upon me.

My emergency open heart surgery, was the first time that I had been separated from my daughters, ever! It was the longest week of my life, with the night before the surgery, the most difficult, because prior, I was just supposed to have a simple catheterization to correct the problem, so my goodbye to my daughters was nothing more than a “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” But that next afternoon, turned into a “life and death,” a very risky surgery, something that I might not survive. All I wanted was to hold my daughters one more time.

Obviously I survived, but divorce would soon lead to time apart via custody agreements. But with the help of technology, Facetime, texting, and other media, I was at least able to make daily contact with them. But for my daughters, with the exception of an overnight visit with a friend, they have never been apart from each other.

A friend of mine warned me a long time ago, of the time coming, as his daughters got older, they would ask for moments when he was scheduled to spend time with them, that one or even both, might have either plans, of course to a teenager, they would be important to them. That would result in his visit with perhaps only one of his daughters, or both, or even perhaps none. I could tell it was hard on him. I would dread that time coming, and resist it as best as I could.

I do not know what I did that was different from my friend, but I managed to spend every available moment with both my daughters. But with one daughter now eighteen, she is now able to express her own decisions, and yes, now I am at yet another crossroad, and this one is not up to me to decide. All I can do is hope that I had enough of an influence, that decisions that affect both of us, will keep our relationship in mind.

While the term “empty nest” does not really apply here, because that would imply no children at home any more. I have many friends who have already experienced their children having moved on and are now on their way through grandparenthood. But I do have a few friends that are or have just gone through this similar stage, one child of multiples having gained independence, the feelings of “loss” are still just as painful. I am not looking for sympathy, but I do know that there is empathy for me.

I have had one of the best Father’s Day visits with my daughters. But for one, the time was cut short, as she chose to travel home before her younger sister, staying with me a few extra days. As we dropped off my older daughter to return home, it did not take long to realize someone else was being affected by this, my daughters. As I mentioned, they have been together basically their entire lives. This day would be inevitable when they would go off to college, but it is happening now.

You could see what this meant to them, all day prior to the departure. While they have always gotten along with each other, there was definitely some last minute bonding happening. Back at the house, now with just one of my daughters, this was a new experience for both of us. It is only a short few days more before my younger daughter heads home, and back to her sister, so this short “test run,” will help us to adjust for the future. The summer visit will be a true test, as it is several weeks, my older daughter has arranged other things during her summer, and is likely at best, maybe to only visit a few days. It will definitely be the longest time the sisters have been apart from each other. I see this as an opportunity to help them to establish a line and need for communication for when the actual college departures come in to play. I will do all that I can to make sure that they talk to each other frequently.

It is going to be an adjustment for all of us for sure. My daughters know that I love them both equally. The only advantage one can even claim, is simply by age. When it came to gifts, decisions on activities, help with homework, and more, both daughters know they can count on me. I had time with only one daughter by herself, way back, waiting to adopt my second daughter. And now, with visits, it will be my younger daughter who will get focused attention.

I am sure all the while, we will be wishing my older daughter, my younger daughter’s sibling, would be with us.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects | Leave a comment
20 Jun 2021

Happy Father’s Day


If there is one thing in my life that I will say defines it, it is Fatherhood. All I have ever wanted to be, was a Dad. Along the way, I have been challenged in the most extreme ways from cancer to divorce, but nothing has stood in the way of the unconditional and never-ending love of my children. My daughters are the reasons behind every decision that I make, and the drive to keep moving forward.

Historically, prior to the arrival of my daughters, Father’s Day was just another day in June.

This is one of three photos that I possess with my father from childhood, none occurred on or around Father’s Day. In fact, I do not remember spending any time with my father for Father’s Day. To be clear, this was his decision, a result of the divorce from my mother. Another reason for my sadness of Father’s day, my grandmother passed away the week before Father’s Day in 1998. And then, my Father was memorialized on Father’s Day weekend in 2014 after passing from the effects of lung cancer. Admittedly, this was something that I requested.

Even with my daughters, Father’s Day seemed to take a back seat, as with other holidays, because I was expected to work. I had a 40-hour/week job, but if offered overtime, so I was expected to work it, even on Father’s Day, the one day that should have been about me with my daughters. I was supposed to just be grateful for the few hours I had to spend with them once I got home from work.

To be clear, there is no one more important to me, than my daughters. When faced with emergency open heart surgery back in 2008 due to late effects from the treatments that cured me of my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, it was the fear of never seeing them again, them having the possibility of experiencing what one of their close friends experienced, losing a parent, that really pulled me through.

Unlike my father, I was there for my daughters for Father’s Day, with the exception of three, two of those were beyond my control, and the other was purely for everyone’s health and well being. A process with my divorce led me to miss two Father’s Days. And in 2020, Covid19 and all the uncertainties left me no other choice, than to keep my daughters safe, and that meant not having them travel to see me. Those three years, came and went, each time, leaving me with a broken heart, no other options available.

But just after the last time that I missed spending time with my daughters for Father’s Day, I made sure that they knew every Father’s Day, they are my priority. They are the reason I wake up every day. They are the reason I look forward to every tomorrow.

This Father’s Day is more than just having lost last year’s time together. For years, I have had friends prepare me for the time when my daughters would get older, and the likelihood that visits with them would be less frequent because they had their own things to do a la Harry Chapin’s “Cats In The Cradle”. In all honesty, for my one friend, he got much less years than I have in regard to that situation. My daughters know how important Father’s Day is to me, as important if not more than, our visit at Christmas. Father’s Day is the day, I get to celebrate and cherish all of the memories from the thousands of photos I have taken of my daughters over the years, opportunities that have lessened from the demands of the teenagers.

My daughters have a biological father, somewhere. But I am the only Father they know. And whether they are six, eighteen, or forty two, they know I will always expect this day to be ours, together.

Yes, their mother and I are divorced, and unlike my Father, I made the conscious decision, to stay in their lives, to be active in their school and interests, to be one of their two main role models, to guide them with their decisions toward their future. Each and every day, I make an attempt to reach them, through various means from phone, to Facetime, to text, a reminder that every day to them, that I am thinking about them. That I miss them. That I love them.

There are so many fathers that I do hear from, that for any reason, are not getting that opportunity this year, perhaps for several years now. For some, it is their first year without either their children, or their father. My heart breaks for them, because I understand the many different issues surrounding the emptiness of this holiday as an adult child of divorce, a divorced parent, as well as someone who lost their father.

The time with each other is only temporary. It can be a few years, or decades. But it is only temporary. That is why it is important every year, on this day, you celebrate if you are able to still do so with each other. And if you are in the unfortunate situation, having been alienated from your father or from your children, you DO NOT EVER give up! Time will heal. I got that chance to do that with my father before it was too late.

I do not know what Father’s Day will look like in 2022. But after having lost Father’s Day last year due to Covid19, this year will be more special than ever to me and my daughters.

Needless to say, as few photos there are of my father and I, my daughters will never have that problem.

Happy Father’s Day.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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