Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Education”

03 Apr 2020
1 Comment

Corona And Child Custody


***Disclaimer for my trolls… This post has no relation to my own custody case or my children.  Any similarities are definitely unintentional.

One thing “staying at home” is doing, is providing me more time to research, write, and respond.

A reader asked me to clarify, or go into more detail, as to the situation of custody in a medical crisis such as our country is currently dealing with.  I gave a short answer, one that is shared on legal web sites all over – that an illness does not prevent a parent from being a parent.  In other words, if you have a custody order in place, follow it.  Because that is exactly how a judge would enforce a custody issue or rule on contempt.

First, my position.  As an adult child of a divorce, and as a parent involved with divorce and issues of custody and visitation, I am always going to be an advocate for the child first.  I know what it is like to have grown up in that environment, and I know what I must do to avoid repeating those issues in my own situation.

So the next thing to understand, there are two types of parenting following a divorce:  co-parents and combative parents with agendas.

It is very easy to recognize the co-parents, because they would not worry about the issue of how to handle a custody or visitation during a crisis such as this pandemic.  Both parents would recognize the importance of assessing risk of exposure and cross-contamination, support each other’s abilities to care for the child(ren) – something that was never a disputed issue during the marriage either, and then of course, recognizing the natural need for the child to be in both parents lives.  Both parents will cooperate in sharing communications and updates as to the health of the child(ren) as well as sharing records so that both parents are informed.  In other words, the parents act as if the parents did not divorce.  As I have always said, and even told my children, parents do not divorce, only the husband and wife divorce.

Combative parenting is an entire different issue, and with more states recognizing the importance of shared parenting, often a custodial parent is likely to use an emergency situation as an attempt to justify violating a custody order, agreed by both parents, and ordered and signed by a judge.  The long short of this argument, and supported by case examples and family law attorneys, barring a child being hospitalized or that critically ill, the child(ren) can and should be cared for by both children.

It sounds simple enough really, “best interest of the child.”  But unfortunately it is not that simple.  A spouse who is so bitter, lasting into years, even decades after a divorce, often resorts to “violating” a custody order – denying a non-custodial parent the ability to have physical custody.  Intentional or subconsciously, a custodial parent decides  either that they feel in the right to make decisions on visitations, or perhaps sees opportunities to use the child(ren) as a weapon to intentionally cause emotional hurt towards the non-custodial parent.  Of course, this behavior is not only wrong, not only offensive, but hurts the children the most, not the intended target.

The only remedy for a non-custodial parent to deal with a custody violation, is to file a contempt complaint.  Parents need to remember, both sign this agreement, and the judge orders it and signs it.  There is no contesting what is written, it is black and white.  If there is a problem with it, then there is an opportunity to modify the agreement, but, in order to do that, there must be either a mutual agreement to modify it, or substantial issues being addressed to be corrected by the modification.  Otherwise, a custody violation contempt charge because “a child was sick” will be upheld.

Again, using this Corona virus crisis as an example, if the child does not have the virus, the child has the right, and must be allowed to see both parents.  If the child, or the non-custodial parent has the virus, common sense for what is best for the child and/or parent should prevail without requiring legal intervention.  That is what co-parenting looks like.

Of course geographical location may play a role in the decisions of custody exchanges, but again, cooler and responsible heads should prevail with common sense.  Obviously, if both parents live in close proximity to each other, allowing car travel between homes, there should be no issue with exchanges.  And even if the child were to have the virus, and the non-custodial parent would not, the situation still requires a decision based on the best interests of the child (keeping in mind both parents are able to take care of their sick child as they did when they were married), and then, exposure risk of the non-infected non-custodial parent.  But again, it is a no-brainer, you make the best decision, not a selfish one.

In the event, long distance travel is required, this is a totally different issue, but again, requires communication between both parents.  Using this crisis as the example, what is the virus exposure with the custodial parent, and with the non-custodial parent?  What are transportation risks (such as air or train)?

And then of course, there is also one other major factor to consider, as pointed out, any pre-existing condition that would complicate exposure to or infection of the virus.  I have often written about my exposure risks.  And even when I was married to their mother, I had to have a plan in place, in the event that either of my children would come home from school, “carrying” something home, like chicken pox, flu, strep or any other infection.  Even though I had been vaccinated long ago for these things, as had been my children, not having a spleen makes me super susceptible to any infection, and depending on the illness, could be fatal for me.  And for that reason, I had to have a plan if we received a note from school, that another student had a contagious health problem.

Ok trolls, you are on.  I am talking about my children now.

I have not seen my daughters since February.  I had plans to see them for the birthdays, and Easter break as our custody agreement states.  But given where my daughters reside, and where I reside, flying is our mode of transport.  We all live in areas dealing with this virus.  But with my health issues, I had to make the difficult decision, to postpone visitation plans, which my daughters understand, because they know my health background.  They have witnessed me be rolled out of my home at 4am into an ambulance, and hooked up to all kinds of machines and tubes.  They know my risk.  I am lucky.  I still have various means to communicate with my daughters, especially video.

My hopes are, that within a couple of months, this situation will be under control.  I am only listening to the experts, in other words doctors, as I have been nothing but disappointed in nearly every politician who has either blown off the concern, or skewed facts and decisions.

I want my daughters to stay safe.  I want to stay safe.  I have a custody order.  A custody order is an agreement, but when both parents can agree that an exception needs to be made, and is in the best interest, it can be done without the need of a judge to get involved.

For more information, I would refer you to the website for Fathers For Equal Rights (and I would apologize because custody issues affect both fathers and mothers, so this situation is gender neutral, and the information listed on this page applies to both parents).

Fathers4kids.com, go under the “visitation” tab, and refer to “visitation rules and guidelines.”

Or, you can just do the co-parenting thing, the right thing, and not worry about wasting all the time being combative.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By...
03 Apr 2020
1 Comment

The Difference Between Fear Mongering And Reality


Right up front, I must warn you, if you are the type of person who just wants to hear about unicorns and rainbows, believes only in the powers of “The Secret,” or just a simply denier that bad things never happen, you will want to skip this post.

The reality is that the world, not just our country, is facing one of its worst crisis in history.  Any attempt to minimize the severity of the Corona Virus, is pure irresponsibility.  That said, it is estimated that a fairly high number of people will contract this virus and face any number of symptoms from none to mild or moderate, and recover.  And under normal circumstances to go on carrying on about life in care-free fashion would not even raise an eye-brow.

But there is a decent percentage of the world’s population, estimated at 20%, that is known to have major issues not just surviving this virus, but suffering through it, clearly an understatement.  Without going through all the histology of the virus, real simple.  It is not the virus that kills, it is the pneumonia caused by the virus that takes the lives of those who are vulnerable or elderly.  But why?  Why does it affect this certain group of people?

First, I want to be clear, as one of this 20%, I am doing nothing that should put you at risk or inconvenience.  I have been doing my part since the warnings were finally given, actually a bit sooner because even I was aware this was going to be serious even though those with the powers that be, would rather have downplayed it.

So, I am doing my part.  I am social distanced, physically isolated for the most part.  I have taken control of my outcome as best as I can.  Now to understand why I am doing this.

In the beginning of this outbreak, we were warned who was considered vulnerable.  The elderly.  Those with cardiac issues.  People who had pulmonary issues.  Diabetics.  Anyone with high blood pressure.  And of course people with compromised immune systems.  Six boxes of vulnerability, and I check of five of them, because I do not consider being in my fifties, elderly.

In 2008, I had emergency heart surgery to bypass the major artery to my heart, damaged from radiation therapy for my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma years earlier.  I had a second surgery in 2019 to correct another vital artery, also due to radiation damage.  To this day, I know that yet a third surgery will be in my future to correct more radiation damage, to the valves of my heart.  And if that was not enough, I also have to be concerned about my carotid arteries, also affected by the cumulative and progressive damage done by the radiation.

My lungs also have issues from both radiation and chemo therapies.  The lower left lobe of my lung is described as “dead”.  My last test of lung capacity measured was at 76%.  I also have unidentified spots on my lungs that have been watched for years.  In 2012, I nearly died from aspiration pneumonia, because it turned septic.  Nine months later, I would have another round of this pneumonia.  I get the vaccine for pneumonia, actually several boosters, but those are for viral.  The pneumonia I fear and experienced was bacterial.  It was caused by damage to my trachea and  esophagus from radiation therapy.  This has taken a huge toll on my lungs.

The diabetes diagnosis is something I still have not really accepted, and feel diet related.  But, unscientific surveys among other long term survivors, show that many of us have an issue maintaining our A1C levels, the marker for diabetes.  And blood pressure?  Well for the last several years, lifestyle changes have helped me manage though occasionally there is an asshole or two, that will test my tolerance.

And as part of my diagnostics thirty years ago, my spleen was removed.  Years later, medicine would soon realize just how important the spleen was in defending the body against infection.

These are facts, there is no fear mongering.  I personally know what I am up against.  I have followed advice of the CDC, and various health networks.  I need facts to be able to get through this.  I do not need false stories, worse, false hopes.  I need to know how far this is spread, how close this has gotten to me.  I have made every sacrifice I must to avoid being afflicted, including being distanced from my children, the toughest part of this.

So, pardon me if I have zero tolerance because you feel slighted and inconvenienced and choose to follow the recommendations.  There are many like me, who began to isolate ourselves once the numbers became obvious this was going to get out of control.  It is not us that have kept the trajectory of the virus going.  It is portion of the 80% who felt this was not going to affect them, who had this feeling of invincibility, immortality.  Fifteen days to slow the spread, has now been stretched to forty-five.  Why?  Because too many just did not care.  It was those who also were the first to use the words “fear mongering.”  And they are also now the ones offering false information from inappropriately wearing face masks to hoping for Spring weather.

If you want to make this go away, do as we have been told.  Your chances of catching Covid19 or spreading it, are near zero if you follow this guideline of social distancing, stay at home, whatever you want to call it.  Incubation period is fourteen days.  There is no reason if we have all done our part, by the end of April, we should see a huge drop in cases.  That is a fact.  I just wish it was more than hope that everyone would do it.

I am not a fearmongerer.  I live in reality.  I have to.  My life depends on it.

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart
01 Apr 2020

Life Goes On… It Has To


It should not have been a big deal really.  We were not asked to do much.  We were just asked to do our part to slow the spread of a virus that is going to kill a lot of people.  Either some people just refused to believe it, some did not want to be inconvenienced by it, some did not think it applied to them, and some thought it could not happen to them.

I just happen to live in one of the states where people do not want to be inconvenienced by it, people do not think common sense applies to them, and definitely deny anything will happen to them, and if it does happen to them, “so what!”

That fifteen day period is over, and we as a country are even worse off, and now, because of the invincible and arrogance, we are being asked to give another thirty days in effort to prevent the worse case scenario from actually happening, deaths of hundreds of thousands in the United States alone.

I do not know, maybe I just cannot understand the thinking.  Fifteen days was just a little over two weeks.  How hard was it?  I did social distancing for over a year and a half through my cancer battle.  That was thirty years ago.  I am still here.  And I plan on being here for many more.  So for thirty more days, I can do it, and as I have stated before, I medically do not have a choice because of my late side effects from those treatments.

One major thing impacted by this virus was of course the economy, especially the restaurant and entertainment industry.  Social distancing has turned bustling restaurants in the peak of tourism seasons, into drive-through business only.  These businesses are doing all they can to hang on to get to the end of this.  If only those who were indifferent to this crisis would have taken the fifteen day request more seriously, who knows, we must have been on our way to resuming day to day activities.

But there are things that definitely need to continue, along with the economy, and two of these things can have a profound impact.  Of course, both are issues that I strongly advocate for on “Paul’s Heart.”

If you are a long term cancer survivor, relying on routine tests to monitor progression of late developing side effects, or even cancer patients in current and active treatments, depending where you live in regard to the activity of the virus, your life may have been put on hold, so as not to risk your exposure to the virus.  Think about it, a human life, facing two doors, each with a tiger behind them, has to choose and open of those doors.  That is the situation being faced regardless of the seriousness or type of medical issue many face.

Patients now have to delay their follow up appointments or their treatments to reduce the risk of being exposed.  For some, like me, having to make a decision, does a developing symptom require any kind of delay?  Over the years, I have had several “false alarms” or “undiagnosed” events.  I have a very difficult task to figure out if it is severe enough to act.  Being as involved in the medical community as I am, I also recognize the need for the medical staff to direct their attention to this crisis if at all possible.

To deal with this, I do have a plan.  To first reach my personal physician by phone.  She knows me well enough, nearly 30 years, that she can ask me every question to determine the situation.  If she feels I need medical attention, the next phone call will be to the hospital and what to do from that point.

Another issue that needs to get recognized, child custody.  Of course it will vary state by state, but most states family courts have already declared that custody orders are not affected by this virus.  After all, both parents are capable of taking care of their child(ren).  As an example, Allegheny County Court in Pennsylvania is one such court that has made this declaration.  It really is a no-brainer.  There are plenty of nightmare stories, where a custodial parent will attempt to deny a custody visit from taking place because a child is sick.  ***I FORGOT – NEED TO MENTION I AM NOT REFERRING TO MY OWN SITUATION – FOR THE SAKE OF TROLLS***  Judges routinely faced with this situation will always rule in favor of the custody order because unless there is a history of neglect, there is no reason to deny a visitation, except in a rare and extreme situation (such as requiring hospitalization).

Now with a situation like we are currently in, common sense needs to prevail.  And this is a situation similar to mine.  If there is a geographical distance that has an impact, then there do need to be considerations.  But it is communication between both parents that will result in agreeing to put the custody order aside for the time being.  This is called co-parenting.

For instance, if travel is involved, especially commercial, does this increase a risk for the child(ren) either contracting it, or carrying it?  No responsible parent would ever be that selfish to put their family at this kind of risk.  While I want to believe that age has some sort of immunity, it is not something I am willing to risk my children getting.  And with my increased morbidity issues making me high risk, I cannot risk them carrying the virus to me.  It was the hardest decision in the world for me to delay any visitations until the danger is at least reduced in a major way.  The worst thing in the world, because of my health issues, is to have either of my daughters come down with this virus, and be unable to visit them.

Finally, and I know this from personal experience, the one thing that definitely does not carry on, just hanging in limbo, those families involved with international adoptions.  Both of my daughters were adopted during periods of virus outbreaks, one of those, SARS, caused a delay in the process, after we had already been informed our daughter had been matched to us.  All we could do was wait for travel restrictions to be lifted, the fear, not knowing if it would be weeks, months, or even years.  The other outbreak, involving bird flu, actually expedited the process in fear of a travel restriction.

These are definitely stressful times.  If you are reading this, not only are you likely the generation whose first major historical events were the Challenger disaster, or the terrorist attacks of 9/11.  But this pandemic, is something that no generation will forget.  Remember the days when we would hear our parents talk of the struggle walking to school 50 miles in the snow, barefoot, uphill and downhill, and backward, and we rolled our eyes?  I used to laugh at that until I got to do the same thing as my school district did not use school buses, so never had snow days.

But our children will have this story, having missed nearly half of a school year, instead being forced to do their learning at home.  And perhaps they will be the first to remind us of the good old days, when we used to have to bug them to get off their computers or phones.

Posted in Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment

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